Just Before You Go

“There you are!” Tyler groaned, his arms out passed his sides. “I’ve been looking for you for a god damn hour!”
Blair cringed, looking at me like I might be able to bail her out of trouble. It was amusing, to say the least. She straightened herself out, her arms still dangling off the side of the truck. She’d tucked her green eyes behind a giant pair of sunglasses, and now looked more like a vampire queen than a human. Maybe she wasn’t human. Her jet black hair hung around her face, highlighting those perfect cheekbones.
“I came out for a smoke,” Blair stifled a grin as Tyler finally placed himself before us, hands on his hips.
And she had. But she’d smoked nearly her entire pack since we’d originally climbed into the back of that Dodge. We’d been talking for so long that we hadn’t noticed the time ticking by. I’d learned enough about her that I was now certain she was my one true love. Everything she’d been through, everything she was…I was so thoroughly impressed by her soul.
Her parents had passed away when she was young and she’d been raised by a less than stellar guardian. She said that she’d been taking care of Tyler for so long that she’d forgotten what it was like to be her own person. Apparently he had some issues, she hardly got into specifics though. But she was sure that he was so dependent on her that if she took a step away, he’d crash and burn. I couldn’t imagine that kind of pressure, and I was genuinely sad for her. She carried that burden with admirable strength, though. You would never guess she held the weight of someone else’s world in her hands.
“Despite everything…I wouldn’t trade him for anything,” she added with a smile. “He’s my heart and soul…Broken or not.”
And that was a sentiment I could get behind.
Jimmy wasn’t perfect. He wasn’t always understanding or empathetic. But he was my best friend and he was the reason I looked forward to waking up each morning. I loved him…and that should have been enough.
“Smoking what?” Tyler groaned. “An entire carton? A god damn field of tobacco?”
“It’s loud in there,” she told him seriously, pointing to the beer tent lazily. “It’s quiet out here.”
“Austin just called me,” he told her. “We gotta go.”
She made a face.
“Blair,” Tyler insisted.
She frowned at me, reluctantly climbing out of the back of the truck, “What’s so important that we have to rush home? Doesn’t he know that we have lives?”
Tyler scoffed, “You have a life?”
“Well no,” she half-laughed. “Because Austin’s always shitting all over it. I hate that guy.”
“Yes, I know,” Tyler groaned in response.
She tapped her hand against the tailgate, “So? What’s so important? It better be good if you think you’re dragging me out of here.”
“We got an offer,” he told her, a subtle grin. “He wants to discuss it.”
“An offer for what?” Blair asked suspiciously.
Tyler shrugged, “Didn’t say. Just said it was important and to meet him at the studio. I think he’s mostly concerned about getting this album finished honestly.”
“But it’s Monday,” she stated firmly. “Monday is the day of rest.”
Tyler shook his head, “That’s Sunday, Blair.”
“It could be Monday too,” she argued. “You don’t know.”
Tyler laughed, waving up at me in some half-assed attempt at a rueful goodbye. He was egging her on but she wasn’t having it. She looked up to me with sorrow, shaking her head at her life. Then, as if by magic, a light bulb went off inside her head.
“Oh, shit,” Blair scoffed.
She climbed back into the box of the truck and pried open the back window. Like some kind of beautiful snake, she slithered through the opening and into the back seat. She rummaged around for a minute before climbing back out the way she’d gone in.
“Give me your arm,” she instructed me.
I’d never argue with Blair Peterson.
“This is my house number,” she told me, glancing up at me quickly before scribbling the last four digits of her number. “Call me if you ever want to hang out or something.”
“Are you making friends?” Tyler gasped playfully.
Blair rolled her eyes, tossing the pen carelessly into the box of the truck, “Shut it, Brody.”
I was in awe of her writing. It was better than an autograph—which I’d never had the nerve to ask her for.
“See ya,” she waved coolly before heading off with Tyler.
My eyes were still glued to my arm when Blair’s voice calling my name interrupted.
“Hey!” she called again, a little giggle hiding beneath her voice. “Go find The Rev! There’s time to be broody later, you know? Tell him I said hey!”
I waved at her in acknowledgement. The Rev. It still made me laugh to hear it. It was fitting, I guess—he embodied his nickname. But I couldn’t picture him as anyone other than my Jimmy. Blair turned herself back around, walking the distance with her best friend.
Tyler was loudly questioning Blair about her ability to life coach other human beings. She gave him a shove, but I could feel there love from where I sat.
I assumed, then, that if Haven was being called off, that meant that her drummer might be back for his truck soon. With that thoughts anxiously nagging at my brain, I hopped out and made my way back into the beer tent. I knew I’d have to find Jimmy…but what could I possibly say? Were there words to express how full of regret I was?
Would he forgive me for doubting what we were?
The tent was crowded and I had serious trouble finding anyone familiar. But, eventually, I found Brian and Johnny. They were drinking alone at a picnic table, laughing about something.
“Hey,” I said as I leaned against their table.
Brian looked at me weirdly, a short, “Hello.”
“Jimmy’s not here,” Johnny told me. “If that’s who you’re looking for.”
“Of course that’s who she’s looking for,” Brian scowled at his friend. “Not just short, huh? Stupid, too?”
Johnny tried not to laugh.
“Where’d he go?” I asked, scanning the crowd for my boyfriend’s head.
Brian raised one eyebrow at me, “He left, Aria.”
My heart stopped, “What do you mean he left?”
“He left,” Brian said again with a bit of a head shake. “Said he wasn’t in the mood.”
I assumed Brian knew what had happened. By the look on his face, it was safe to assume that Brian wasn’t particularly impressed by it either. I was humiliated.
“Thanks,” I muttered as I escaped.
I literally ran until I hit the road. Then I frantically waved down cabs like a crazy person. Eventually, one took pity on my theatrics and offered to give me a lift. I was reciting my speech over and over on the way back to the hotel.
But each time I tried, I’d come up with news questions…new concerns.
Why did everything seem so simple when it was all theoretical? Why was it so difficult to commit to something? I was the worst.
I paid the guy quickly and then dashed into the lobby and up the stairs. There was no time for the elevator. As I lingered outside my hotel room door, the panic returned.
The only way passed it, was through it.
So, I pushed open the door and forced myself into my discomfort.
Jimmy leaned around the wall to take note of who had disturbed his privacy. He didn’t look pleased to see me. He leaned back right away, directing his attention back to the television. I tip-toed to the bed, unsure if I was welcomed enough to sit.
He glanced at me and then back at the tv.
“Can we talk?” I asked weakly.
He scowled in my direction, “Haven’t we said enough?”
My own words stung like a son of a bitch. Message received.
“I’m sorry,” I told him sincerely. “I may have overreacted…definitely freaked out.”
He wasn’t listening. Or, if he was, he wasn’t showing it. Jimmy was maybe more broody than Brian. He was hot and cold—and if you hurt him, he let you know. I knew.
But he wasn’t totally blameless here either.
“Can you look at me, please?” I choked, leaning into his view.
He huffed, flipping off the television and chucking the remote back onto the bedside table.
“I think I need to explain myself,” I started.
He interrupted immediately, “Can you save it, Aria? I’m seriously not in the mood for some woe-is-me bullshit. You said all I ever needed to hear this afternoon. Your shit’s packed by the door, I tossed some cash into your wallet for the cab. Get home safe.”
My jaw was on the floor. Jimmy could be cold, but I’d never seen him this arctic. I didn’t know what to do. I froze.
The strongest part of me wanted to go off and tell him what a heartless son of a bitch he was. But the realistic part of me just wanted him. All of him. Any of him.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I told him as courageously as I could muster.
He narrowed his eyes at me.
“Listen to me,” I instructed him firmly. “I was wrong today. And we need to have a conversation about what’s happening. You owe me that much, don’t you think?”
“Owe you?” he scoffed. “I don’t owe you shit.”
I was failing.
“Jimmy,” I urged. “I love—”
“No, no, no,” he rushed, shaking his head at me and leaning forward just a bit. “Don’t.”
“What do you want me to say?” I asked desperately. “That I’m an idiot? Because I am. That I’m being ridiculous? I am. I know these things. I’m not proud of the way I acted earlier…but you weren’t exactly an angel yourself there, Jimmy. You sprung this huge bombshell on me and seriously didn’t anticipate a reaction?”
He was unflinching.
“I panicked,” I continued. “I really and seriously panicked. Your life is intimidating.”
He scoffed.
“It is,” I insisted. “Everyone knows who you are. There are parties every weekend. You get told to go and tour the country on a moment’s notice and you’ll go. It’s…it’s crazy. This hasn’t been my life—it’s been yours. You’re used to it now, I’m sure. But I’m still adjusting. This is all new to me…I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love you.”
He softened just a little.
“I can appreciate that it’s weird,” he said quietly. “But…It is what it is, Aria. I can’t change it…and I don’t want to. This is my life.”
“I know that,” I frowned. “And I’m trying my best to get on board.”
He nodded awkwardly, “We have problems deeper than my career, Aria. Those won’t be solved by ignoring them.”
“I know that too.”
He looked away from me, “I don’t want what you want. I will probably never want what you want.”
“Maybe that’s okay,” I tried reluctantly. “I think you’re misunderstanding my intentions here, too.”
He didn’t understand.
“I’m not itching for a ring at the moment,” I smiled a little. “I don’t even know if marriage is something I want. Just hearing that it will never happen for me was…a little hard to swallow.”
“It’s not going to get any easier to,” Jimmy told me gravely. “What if we stick together for the next ten years, Aria? And then you decide you want to get married? And what if I still don’t want that? Then what?”
“We deal with that later,” I shrugged.
“No,” he said flatly. “No, that’s not how this shit works.”
“I don’t care,” I enthused. “I seriously don’t care. Marry me, don’t marry me. I don’t care.”
He rolled his eyes at me.
“I just want you,” I told him desperately. “That’s all I want. I know that I freaked out…but it’s part of who I am. I overthink everything. Can you not love me the way that I am? The way that I love you the way that you are?”
He sighed dramatically, “Don’t do that.”
“I thought a lot about it,” I finally spoke again. “And I talked it out with another female…and she says I’m stupid if I let you go.”
“What female?” he asked nosily.
“Blair Peterson.”
He laughed, “Of fucking course you talked to Blair.”
“She put some things into perspective for me,” I smiled faintly. “And she was right. I love you. And that’s enough.”
“For now,” he noted.
“Forever,” I corrected. “It’s enough forever.”
He relented. His muscles relaxed and his face cooled. He was studying me, as he always did. I wasn’t sure what he was looking for this time. Sincerity? Security? I couldn’t be certain. But I was certain that my heart craved him.
“I’m going to give up my house,” I told him matter-of-factly. “And I’m going to come on tour with you.”
His head tilted ever so slightly, “But you said—”
“It doesn’t matter,” I insisted. “I’m not going to give you up that easily.”
A smile barely graced his face.
“I’m coming back to you,” I added cutely.
“Don’t quote me at me,” he snickered. “It’s euphoric.”
I sighed with my entire body, unsure of whether or not I’d succeeded in smoothing over the current kinks in our relationship. I wasn’t even sure if I was actually fine with never getting married—but I told myself that I’d have to be. It was what it was.
But I was certain that I was making the right decision by forfeiting my current life in exchange for one with Jimmy. I could live in Jimmy’s world forever if it meant never leaving his side. We were intertwined now, and it would take a chainsaw to sever that bond. Even then…
“Come here,” he smirked, gesturing me with both hands.
I climbed into his side, resting my head on his chest. His heartbeat was faint, like always. But it lulled me to peace.
“I don’t want you to give up the things that you want,” he said, running his fingers through the ends of my hair.
I shook my head lightly, “I’m not.”
“You know,” he replied breathily. “If ever I was persuaded to give into the combines of societal encouraged marriage…You’d be the one to get me there.”
“Don’t,” I warned tiredly. “Don’t give me that half false hope crap. It won’t do either of us any favors…”
He sighed softly, resting his chin atop my head, “Sorry.”
I closed my eyes, the rhythm of his chest soothing me. It was okay. It was all okay.
“I’m not totally opposed to the baby thing,” he added with a laugh.
My eyes widened, “I beg your pardon?”
He cackled, “What? Marriage is something that humans invented to give themselves some sort of weird validation that their relationship means something. Like it would mean any less if some piece of paper didn’t bind them together. It’s fucking stupid. But…procreating? That’s natural, man. That’s the entire universe. And if I was going to continue the human race with anyone, it would definitely be with you.”
I wasn’t sure what to do with that.
“Not now, obviously,” he added, that adorable little lisp clinging to his consonants. “But one day maybe. If that’s something you wanted.”
I decided to take what I could get.
“You’re weird,” I told him.
He nodded, “I know…but you love it.”
“You’re not wrong,” I smiled, cozying back into his chest.
“I’m sorry we fought,” he hummed. “I’m sorry I’m not always the person I should be.”
I glanced up at him, to find his eyes fixated on the window. Sometimes all I wanted to do was crawl up inside that head of us in an effort to explore every recess of his mind that caused him to wander. I’d give anything to really understand him.
“I’m scared of being stuck,” he told me quietly. “I’m afraid that I’ll never be who you want me to be…Or who I want to be.”
My eyes fell back down to his chest.
“Life is fucked up,” he scoffed. “I’m fucked up…But I’m working on it.”
“So am I,” I confessed fondly. “We’ll figure it out…But for now, I like you exactly as you are. Qualms and all.”
“Forever, right?” he asked me gently, kissing the top of my head.
I smiled, “Forever.”
“Cute,” he laughed. “Real cute.”
“I love you a lot,” I said seriously, looking up at him to find his eyes now fixated on mine.
His face lit up, “I definitely love you more.”
The rest of our night was made up of arguments about who was loving who more. And, that, I figured, was a far better thing to bicker about than the fate of your relationship. I’d made it back, and I was naively suspiciously that things might actually work out. Perhaps forever could be achieved after all.

Notes

Forgive me now?

Happy new year!

xx