Just Before You Go

Jimmy and I were completely silent for the entire cab ride to the hotel, and then all the way to the festival grounds. He wouldn’t even look at me. Which was fine, because I really didn’t have much to say to him.
I spotted Blair and Tyler right away. They looked to be bickering about something—maybe there was something in the LA air that made people want to get at each other’s throats.
For the first time in over an hour, I spoke, “Can I catch up with you later?”
He looked down at me, disdain boiling behind his crystal blues, “Sure.”
I wasn’t sure how to bid him farewell, so I waved like a weirdo. Fights are strange; they rip people apart and turn them into strangers.
He hardly acknowledged my half-assed attempt at a goodbye, darting into the crowd and moving himself far, far away from me. I was relieved…and absolutely sick with heartache.
So, what do you do when your heart is hurting? You attach it to something else. Blair Peterson could have my whole heart, that was fine by me.
“Hey,” I greeted her awkwardly.
She and Tyler cut their argument immediately. She put on a smile and said hello back.
My eyes found Tyler, who was looking even rougher than Brian had looked earlier that morning. His lip was split open and it looked deep enough that it likely could have used a stitch to pull it back together. He had the same black bag under his eye that Brian had, but Tyler had a rather nasty gash sitting in the midst of the blue and black.
“Sup?” Tyler asked casually.
I tried not to stare.
“Are you marveling at his piece of shit face?” Blair asked with a subtle grin. “It’s hard to miss.”
Tyler rolled his eyes, wincing a little as he did.
“It’s like I said,” Blair continued. “That’s what you get for sucker punching people.”
Tyler retorted smugly, “It’s hardly a sucker punch if you have it coming. That fucker’s had it coming for weeks.”
“You are so fucking dramatic,” Blair groaned—obviously their fight was going to live on. “He literally touched my arm and you flipped out like some rabid hyena.”
“He shouldn’t be touching you,” Tyler shrugged.
It was Blair’s turn to roll her eyes, “Okay, Dad.”
Tyler shot her a meaningful look. I wasn’t sure what it meant, but Blair seemed to. She nudged into him softly with her shoulder, a sympathetic smile toying with her perfectly plump lips.
“I’m going to get more drinks,” he told us both. “And maybe some ice for my face.”
Blair just nodded, waiting to speak until Tyler had vanished.
“Boys,” she said flatly to me.
I laughed, “Brian’s looking a little worse for wear, too.”
“Oh?” Blair hummed, sipping at her half a beer.
“Tyler broke his nose,” I smirked.
I honestly thought Blair would laugh. I thought she’d have some witty remark, like the banter she’d had with Tyler about it. But her face was less than enthusiastic. Her eyes saddened and her face fell.
“Is he okay?” was all she asked.
I nodded oddly, trying to feel her out. Maybe Brian was right, maybe she was a lot of work.
“He’s fine.”
Blair sighed loudly, shaking her head a little, “Tyler can be really overbearing…I’ll make him apologize to Brian later.”
“I’m sure it’s not necessary,” I assured her. “Brian’s a big boy.”
“It’s not right,” she told me firmly. “Tyler…Forget it. Look, I was just going to duck out of here for a smoke. Did you want to come along?”
Given that my options were to follow Blair Peterson around like a puppy dog or reluctantly return back to Jimmy’s side, the choice was obvious.
“Yeah, sure,” I smiled.
We made our way through crowds and crowds of people. Some I recognized, most I didn’t. I was totally out of my element here. There were musicians littered everywhere—and I could name only about a handful of them.
“You know you can smoke in the tent,” I told Blair oddly as we passed dozens of smokers.
She nodded, “Yeah, but I don’t like to. I try and not inflict cancer on nonsmokers whenever possible, you know?”
God, I loved her.
We finally made it out and into an empty parking lot. She lead me through rows and rows of vehicles until we finally landed ourselves at the back of a small, black truck. She pulled down the tail gate and hopped herself up onto it.
I looked at her with great suspicion.
“It’s Justin’s,” she laughed. “My drummer.”
Feeling less weird about it, I pulled my body up to join her. We sat there for a minute as she smoked, we kicked our legs like children.
“So, no Jimmy today?” she asked curiously. “Or is he off raising hell?”
“Oh, probably,” I sighed. “Who knows.”
She cocked an eyebrow, sensing my hesitation, “Everything okay?”
I wasn’t really sure how much I should divulge. This seemed like a conversation that I should have with Jen…but then, Jen was particularly judgmental—especially when it came to all things Jimmy. If I told her what was going on, and Jimmy and I later made up, she’d hate him all over again.
But Blair seemed like a good confidante. So far, I hadn’t seen anything rattle her cage—she’d literally stepped over two grappling men. Maybe she was exactly who I needed. She was passive and seemingly apathetic, which meant that she might have valuable perspective that I was simply lacking. My stupid brain was always getting in the way.
“Can I ask you a hypothetical question?”
She laughed a little, nodding her head, “Yeah, but I’m sure it isn’t hypothetical.”
“So…” I started awkwardly, dismissing her calling me out. “Say you meet this guy, and he’s…he’s really wonderful. He’s kind and he’s crazy smart…he’s funny. It’s never a dull moment with him.”
Blair smiled fondly, listening intently as I continued on.
“And you think that, you know, there could be a real future with this person…They could be the real deal…But then they tell you that they never want to get married. They don’t really care if you have aspirations, they just want you to come along on their ride…Regardless of what that means for you.”
She tilted her head, frowning sympathetically at me and I trailed off.
“I’m really not, uh…” she hesitated, taking a long puff of her cigarette before tossing it to the ground. “I’m not super experience in the whole relationship field.”
I nodded.
“Here’s the most important thing, though,” she continued. “In this scenario…Do I love him?”
“Very much,” I pouted.
She shrugged, “That’s all that matters then, isn’t it?”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I wasn’t sure what the right answer to that question was. Should that have been all that mattered? It really didn’t feel that way.
“They were supposed to start touring in October,” I told her. “But he dropped it on me this afternoon that they’ve bumped it up significantly and are leaving at the end of next month.”
She looked at me weirdly.
“I was going to go with him,” I continued. “In October…But sometimes I think that Jimmy doesn’t understand that I’m not a rock star. I don’t have endless amounts of cash and the ability to just drop my life to travel around the globe.”
“Right,” was all she said.
“And what about my job? You know what I mean? I get it, I’m just a bartender…but…what about when I find a real job?”
She laughed, “Last time I checked, that is a real job. Don’t sell yourself so short.”
I couldn’t love her any more. Her eyes were beating into mine, trying to be helpful—trying to understand me. The way her hair rested on her shoulders made my throat dry. She was painstakingly beautiful…and confident. And sure of herself.
Why couldn’t I be those things?
“Would you drop your life to follow some guy around?” I asked her pointedly.
She considered this deeply, turning to look away from me, “I’m not sure.”
“That’s helpful,” I teased carefully.
She smiled at me, “Do you really want to know what I think?”
I nodded, “Yes, Blair Peterson.”
And then she touched my fucking arm. I nearly fainted.
“I think that…if you really love someone…you’d follow them to the seventh circle of hell if you had to. Don’t get me wrong, I stem from Jimmy’s world…So…I can kind of tropes around the globe without leaving much behind…But…”
She was searching for the right words.
“Okay, hypothetically,” she finally said. “If I had a rock star boyfriend and they felt the need to invite me along on their tour…I’d go. I’d make it work.”
“Even if it meant leaving your work behind?” I asked seriously.
She nodded, “I’d expect the same from him, though. This isn’t some one way street because we’re somehow lesser, Aria. I think that’s an important distinction that you’re missing here. If Jimmy asked you to come along, it isn’t because he thinks your life is so disposable that it won’t make a difference…That isn’t Jimmy. Even I know that and I hardly know him at all.”
I was fighting back tears. She was saying things that I already knew to be true…but no one else had validated them for me. It was as if she was reading my soul before my very eyes.
Brian really knew how to pick them.
“If I was dating another musician,” she continued, more softly this time. “And I had to head off on a tour and he had the choice to stay behind or to come with me…I’d hope he’d come with me. And if he didn’t…well…”
“Well what?” I asked desperately.
She shrugged, “Then maybe they don’t love me like I thought…It’s all about choices. There’s nothing wrong with weighing your options. You have every right to want to fight for your own standard of living, Aria. But…at what cost? Is it worth it? Are the things you’d be keeping worth the things you’d lose? Those are the things you need to think about.”
“Are you a prophet, Blair Peterson?” I half-joked.
She laughed, “No way. I’m stumbling around as blind as the rest of you…But…I’ve never loved anyone. Not like that. And so, I think that if I did…It would be worth fighting for.”
I nodded absently, my mind stewing and brewing with regret and remorse. But also with afflictions. I was beyond confused.
“Can I ask you something?” she spoke softly.
I hoped it was about Brian.
“What was your plan before?” she asked oddly. “I mean…You said you were going to go in October. What’s different about going in October or going now?”
I shrugged, “I have no money saved. I couldn’t afford my rent while I was away…I couldn’t even afford to eat.”
“I’m positive Jimmy would have a plan for the latter bit,” she said seriously, lighting another cigarette. “Usually merch tables pay something. You’re right, probably not enough to cover rent back home though…You were planning to save enough money to cover rent though? That was the grand plan?”
My plan suddenly felt stupid under the direct supervision of Blair Peterson. I nodded shyly.
“What I would do,” she told me with her eyes wide. “If I were you, and I wanted to go on the tour. I’d get rid of your apartment…or house…or wherever the fuck you live.”
I laughed.
“Just get rid of it,” she said so casually that it almost sounded like a good idea. “Throw your shit into storage. Then you don’t have to worry about anything.”
Why didn’t Jimmy pitch any of this? Why didn’t Jimmy have these solutions? Did he just not care enough to think about it?
Why didn’t I think of it?
“Jimmy didn’t…” I paused. “He didn’t really fight for me to come when I said that I couldn’t…”
She closed one eye and narrowed the other, “Did you give him a chance to?”
I tilted my head at her, which made her laugh.
“When I get worked up, all logic is out the window,” she told me happily. “There is literally no talking to me once I’m all up in my head.”
I sighed, “Sounds familiar.”
“You should talk to him about it,” she smiled. “Jimmy’s the world’s nicest guy…and you seem like a pretty cool chick. If I were him, I’d fight to keep you.”
My cheeks beat bright red. If I were the romantic type, that would be when I’d kiss her. Is it bad that I kind of wanted to?
“Why don’t you date?” I asked curiously, likely overstepping my bounds. “You seem like you’d be the world’s most understanding girlfriend.”
She chuckled, “Maybe. I’ve never really been a girlfriend…I’m not sure what I’d be like. But I just haven’t found anything that seemed even remotely worth any of my time. I know that probably sounds really narcissistic…I swear I’m not…I don’t know, I just…Music is the most important thing right now…and then there’s Tyler…It’s just complicated.”
“Complicated, why?” I urged.
“Like I said earlier, Tyler is remarkably overbearing,” she sighed. “Anyone that sniffs around me…It’s never good. It’s honestly more trouble than it’s worth.”
“Sounds like Tyler needs to learn boundaries,” I told her sincerely.
She nodded, taking a large drag of her smoke, “I’d need to find the perfect guy before I’d be willing to square off with Ty about it.”
Opportunities.
“What’s your perfect guy?” I asked in my most girlish voice.
She smiled absently, staring off into the distance, “I don’t know…”
“Sure you do,” I laughed. “Everyone has a dream guy. Who’s yours?”
Please say Brian. Please say Brian.
She pondered this for a minute before laughing lightly, “He’s need to be intelligent. And articulate…I love men that can actually communicate with me. I love creative types, but he wouldn’t necessarily have to be a musician. Though, it would probably be easier if he was. I need someone patient and understanding…like Jimmy, I have a crazy life…so he’d need to be conscious of that. He needs to be funny…and strong…maybe a little cocky—for whatever reason, I like that. Beyond all that bullshit, though,” she hesitated with a smile. “He would just need to love me. Really love me…I’ve never had that…and it’s really the only thing I’d want. The rest is just semantics.”
I wondered if she knew that she was describing Brian.
“If you know someone like that,” she teased, leaning into me and nearly causing my impromptu death, “please send them my way.”
Not only had she essentially solved my problem, but she was touching me. And totally pining for Brian, whether she knew it or not.
But my partner in crime wasn’t around to hear the new details of my devious plan. I was sad all over again.
I just hoped it wasn’t too late to fix what I’d broken.

Notes

Blair <3

xx