Just Before You Go

I wasn’t sure if Dean hadn’t seen the kiss, or if he’d figured it was a dismissive type of problem, ultimately never bringing it up to me. It was hard to say for sure, but if he didn’t have a problem; I didn’t have a problem.
We went to a movie, it was an action movie and I was completely distracted. I couldn’t tell you a single actor in it—I didn’t have even a general idea of the plot. All I had done, throughout the entirety of the film, was run over Jimmy’s words in my mind.
I’ll quit everything.
I wanted to know what ‘everything’ was…at least I thought I wanted to know. Maybe that was one of those don’t ask, don’t tell types of things—perhaps it was better left unknown. But his offer had interested me enough that I couldn’t stop obsessing about it.
I’d missed him—I’d felt it in my entirety, from the moment I awoke until the instant I was asleep. But, of course, he occupied my dreams every night. There was no escape for me.
But could I really let bygones be bygones? Seeing Jimmy in the hospital one time was enough to curb my appetite for danger. I didn’t really believe he could change.
People couldn’t change…could they?
Suddenly the theatre was bright and people were moving from their seats. Had I really missed the entire movie?
“What’d you think?” handsome Dean smiled at me as we waited our turn to leave.
I shrugged, “It was alright.”
I had no idea if it was alright.
“Favorite part?” he asked curiously.
I squinted, taking my time to answer, “You know, I really can’t pick just one.”
He nodded, “I loved that fight scene right at the end. I thought that was really well done.”
“Yeah, for sure!” I agreed hesitantly.
We made it back to his car and I tried my hardest to be present. He was cute, after all, and I hadn’t decided if I’d forgiven the man who really owned my heart. I wasn’t sure I could.
“What’s on your mind?” Dean asked knowingly as he pulled the car forward.
I sighed, “Oh, nothing. I’m just a little distracted…Sorry.”
“By that guy, I assume?” he hummed.
I played dumb, “Which guy?”
He snickered, “The guy that kissed you back at the bar. I assume he’s a friend? An ex-boyfriend, maybe.”
“You saw that, huh?” I managed.
He nodded. To my surprise, though, he didn’t look angry or upset. If anything, he looked amused.
“That was my ex,” I said, tripping over the last short little word. “I shouldn’t say ex…we weren’t really dating.”
“Kiss all your friends like that?” he smirked.
“Can I ask your opinion?” I sighed, desperate for any perspective.
“Sure.”
“Say you and I went out on a couple of dates,” I started hurriedly. “And they were really good dates. We got along really well, we seemed to relate easily…the sex is phenomenal. But then you find out some…less than great things about me—”
“Like what?” he asked.
I eyed him, “Does it matter?”
“Yes,” he chuckled.
“That I have some…problems,” I tried vaguely.
He shook his head, “Need more.”
“A drug problem,” I groaned finally.
“Gotcha,” he said with a nod.
I sighed, “Would you stay with me?”
He considered this for a second, and I felt almost attracted to him. Had I never met Jimmy, this was totally a guy I would have pursued in some capacity or another. Yet, there I was, quizzing him about my relationship with someone else. What a woman.
“I’m not sure,” he said finally. “Probably not. That seems like a big headache.”
My heart dropped a little, “Yeah.”
“But, I don’t know,” he added thoughtfully. “If you like someone enough, isn’t it worth seeing it through? In my experience, real connections don’t come around too often.”
This sentiment really wasn’t helping to clear things up for me.
“If you like him enough to talk about him on a date with another man,” Dean chuckled. “I’d say you should probably stick it out.”
“Even if he’s an addict,” I said flatly.
He shrugged, “Maybe you’re worth quitting for.”
“I’m not,” I laughed. “But thanks…you know, for tonight.”
I instructed him to take a left and soon we were on my block, I told him to pull over straight away. I wasn’t quite ready to be home yet—I needed more time to be alone with my thoughts.
“I’m sorry I’m distracted,” I said awkwardly as the car pulled to a stop.
He shook his head, “Don’t worry about it.”
“Friends?” I asked politely.
“Sure,” he smiled. “Friends.”
I thanked him again, feeling a little like I should offer him money but decided against it, and then climbed out into the street. It was a quiet night, and for that I was glad. Dean drove away and I knew, for a fact, I’d never see him again. The thought didn’t bother me at all.
As I walked, I considered the way Jimmy looked in the hospital—pale and afraid. It was a sight I never wanted to repeat. I had to be stronger than my desire to be near him.
But my mind moved quickly to the tattoo down his chest and the way his muscles would tense when I kissed my way down the word. I thought about his crooked smile and the sound of his laugh. I thought about his perfect blue eyes and the way they seemed to tear right through my soul—leaving me exposed and vulnerable.
He made me feel better about who I was—even if I felt a little like a failure.
Turning up my walk and headed for my door, still no closer to making a decision, I was stopped short. On my stoop was a Jimmy, looking sullen and defeated.
He perked up a little when I said hello.
“How long have you been here?” I asked, cautiously slowing my stride.
He shrugged, “Since I saw you at the bar.”
I felt a ping of guilt.
“How was your date?” he asked, venom dropping from the d-word.
I sighed, taking a seat next to him, “You know it wasn’t good.”
He shrugged again.
“You’re really messing me up,” I told him seriously.
He looked at me seriously, “You don’t know the half of it.”
“I don’t know what to do here, Jimmy,” I breathed. “I don’t know how to trust you.”
“You can’t,” he said knowingly. “I don’t trust me.”
I nodded awkwardly, completely at a loss of how to respond to that. Was he not trying to convince me that he was worth sticking around for?
“I know that I fucked up,” he said finally, frustration ringing through his voice. “I should have told you the truth…But I really didn’t fucking want to. You know? It’s not something I like to talk about…It isn’t something I like about myself.”
“Yeah, but—”
He cut me off, “I should have told you. I know that.”
I pursed my lips to keep from saying something stupid.
“I like who I am when I’m around you,” he mused, looking up to the moon. “I guess I figured that if I could pretend long enough that I was a good person…maybe it’d stick.”
“You are a good person,” I insisted softly.
He shook his head, blinking away from the moonlight and back to me, “All I want is a chance to be the person that I want to be. I don’t want to be this guy forever. I want to be better.”
My heart was fluttering, “I get that.”
He looked at me sharply and then fumbled around on the stoop beside him, “I made you something.”
“What are you, a craftsman?” I teased, desperate to lighten the mood before my chest kicked out.
He scoffed, turned, and handed me a black CD case. I took it, unsure what it was. I was just about to ask when—
“It’s a song I wrote,” he said. “It’s—well, just listen to it. If you feel like calling me after, then…you know…I’ll be around.”
He went to leave but I just couldn’t let him. There was no way my heart, or my poor judgement, was going to allow it.
“Jimmy, don’t go,” I said sadly.
He turned on his heel, looking down at me with pain in his face.
“Stay,” I finally sighed. “I’ve had a terrible night…I could use the company.”
He smiled quickly but stopped himself. He gave me a nod and awkwardly marched himself next to me again, pulling me to my feet and following me to the door.
Before I could let him come in, I knew I had to say something. I had to make myself clear.
“I can’t do it again,” I told him weakly. “If you ever overdose again, that’s it. I can’t handle that kind of stress, Jimmy.”
“I know,” he frowned.
I tried to smile, “I want you to live your life. I’m never going to tell you what to do…but please, if you care about me at all, just keep me in mind.”
“You’re always on my mind,” he said truthfully.
We went in—and didn’t speak another word about what had happened.

Notes

Thoughts? Feelings?

Did she make the right choice?

xx