When I Was Your Man

Matt’s hands were trembling when he pulled up in her driveway. He almost stalled the engine when his fingers weren’t able to turn the key. He needed to talk to her, and soon. He took some more deep breaths, his head leaned against the steering wheel to calm down. I got this, he reassured himself, then allowed himself to go back to the talk he just had with Val, their mutual best friend a few minutes ago.


“Oh, hey Sarah,“ Val spat as she got out of her car, “care to explain what the fuck you’re trying to do here?“ Matt nodded, glad she was here to support him. “Matt loves me, and I know he misses me,“ Sarah whispered. There was a crazy flicker in her eyes that told him she actually meant what she said, and he felt sorry for her for a second. Well, until he remembered what she’d done to him of course.

“Here’s where you’re wrong,“ he heard himself say, and Sarah banged her fist against his chest. He let out a surprised “Ooomph“. It didn’t really hurt. “Come on, why don’t you just fucking leave? He’s been with his girlfriend for the past months, and now he’s alone for the first time and you seriously think this works?“ Val laughed, and Matt joined her.

“Yeah sorry but just fuck off, Sarah. It’s not gonna happen.“ She let out an angry huff, then turned around. “See you in court,“ she huffed, and Matt knew for sure it wasn’t the last attempt he’d seen from her.

“Thanks for coming,“ he said to Val, then motioned for her to come inside his house. She got a sleepy Estelle from the backseat of her car and placed her onto the giant sofa Matt bought at a vintage store, then they finally talked. In a way, it felt humiliating to Matt that Valary had to play such a huge role in their relationship, and that they somehow weren’t able to work out all things themselves, but she’d reassured him that was how things went.

And she was right, Matt thought as he remembered the countless fights between Zack and Gena during which he had to mediate. And he didn’t even want to get started on Brian and Michelle.

“I think she’s scared,“ Val said, clearly talking about Karma now. “I think she just doesn’t want to lose you over that being unable to conceive. You know, you might notice in a few years or so.“ To Matt, it made perfectly sense. Maybe he didn’t make it clear enough in the past that he wanted her no matter what. Maybe he should have focused more on her than on trying to handle the situation himself. He did not know. But he was determined to change that. An open talk, something they never did, was the best thing he could think of.

Matt dug his nails into his palms before finally getting out of the car. His legs felt heavy, almost as if he’d done three leg days in a row. But he needed to do this, and he couldn’t wait for another day. They’d just made their relationship public, there was no way she could change her mind in such a short amount of time. And Val was right, the only thing that drastically changed was that she got her second opinion on her fertility. He knew it beat her up, but he didn’t think she would doubt she was perfect for him. Because she was.

The doorbell rang, but she did not open. Matt smashed his fist against the door, fully knowing she had to be home. Where else would she be? She had nowhere to go, after all.
“Karma, I know you’re home. Open the god damned door,“ he called out, using his stage technique in order not to hurt his voice screaming.

Why the hell am I even doing this, he wondered, there are no concerts planned anyway… Well, yet. I hope to change that.

He was almost about to turn around and leave when the door finally opened, revealing Karma in her sweatpants and with a puffy red face. “Come on, let me come in,“ he said softly, “I’m sure there’s more to it.“

She didn’t say anything. She just motioned for him to come inside. I got this, he reassured himself once more before sitting down on her elegant couch. His fingers fiddled nervously with the hem of her cushion, and Matt was surprised how calming the sound of it was.

“You’re scared,“ he pressed out.
“Yeah.“
“But why? It’s all going well, Karma.“
“It’s not. Anyone could give you more than this. I… I notice the way you touch me, like you’re scared I’ll break or something. I know, I look terrible. But that’s me. I… This will be a part of me for the rest of my life, I guess…“

Tears started to run down her face, and Matt placed his hand on hers. She was right in a way, sometimes he felt like he was treating her way too rough. She was just a tiny human in a fragile frame, and most bones stuck out.

“But I love you, and I’m sure I can get used to it. And we can work on this together. You were good until we received the news, this is just a minor setback. You’ll overcome that eating disorder, I just know it. Someday, it’ll be just be something from your past. A time you don’t like to remember, but you’re gonna be so glad it’s over,“ Matt whispered while his fingers softly rubbed against the back of her hand.

She smiled for a second, then her lips turned upside down again. “And… kids? I… I can’t. It’s something huge. It’s a concession. It’s not like you’re not getting the dog you always wanted. It’s final. And I’m scared one day you’ll decide you can’t stick to that anymore. And I wouldn’t even be mad. See, I’d choose someone else if I were you…“

Matt swallowed. A part of him was glad he knew now why she was acting like this, but on the other hand, how could he convince her he wanted her when to him, it of course was a huge bummer that she couldn’t have kids. But there are so many possibilities…

“Well. I’m glad you’re not me. Karma, I said we’d do this. No matter what. We CAN have children and it’s gonna be just like our own. We’ll never know the difference. Maybe we can even…“

“I know,“ she cut him off. Her delicate fingers ran over his scruffy cheek. “I’m sorry. I kinda just… panicked when you said you wanted to move in. It’s such a large step. And if you change your mind later…“ She didn’t dare finish the sentence.
“I’m not gonna change my mind, Karma,“ Matt said calmly, realizing it was the truth after all. “Then let’s do this. Sell your house.“ She threw him a smile, catching him off-guard.

“Karma, if we’re moving too fast, I can keep it for another year. Or two. It’s not like I can’t afford it…“ She laughed, and it felt freeing in a way. Finally the tension seemed to be leaving the room. “You know what, let’s try it for a couple more months and then you can sell that house. It doesn’t even have a jacuzzi, so…“

“No, I mean… What the hell was I thinking buying a house like that?“ He chuckled, glad he was able to finally convince her. She smiled, and Matt felt a pang of happiness in his chest at the thought of having managed to make her feel better.

“I’m not leaving you, Karma,“ he said, suddenly back to that serious topic. “What we have is very special and I’ve loved you for a long time. This is not going away, no matter how many obstacles we may face. This is real, and I’m here to stay.“

She smiled as she pulled him closer. “And I’m here to make you the happy man you deserve to be. I’ll do anything, even if that means a thousand injections so I can have a kid or whatever. And you know I fucking hate injections!“
He laughed before kissing her soft lips. “Me too. But if you get a lot of them I’ll ask for the same amount. I don’t care what they’re giving me. You’re not alone in this,“ he chuckled. “That must be real love, huh? How fucking cheesy we’ve become…“

He didn’t say anything. He just claimed her lips in the fieriest kiss, holding on to her small frame. Everything felt like it was falling into place, and Matt knew he meant exactly what he’d said. Every word. Karma and him, they were meant to be and they both knew it. From day one, when she was just a tiny girl interning at a law clinic, to this, it had been a long road. But to Matt, it felt like it had to be exactly this way. This is what I’ve been wanting. Her. And forever.


“Matt?“ She said after what felt like hours of comfortable silence while he stroked her back with soft motions.
“Mh?“

“I started the pill when we started sleeping with each other more regularly,“ she stated. He was confused for a second.
“Why?“
“I told you… There was that off chance. There still IS that 0,9 percent chance. And I didn’t want to challenge it not knowing where we stand. I stopped taking it now. I…“

“You don’t have to explain. I’ve been an asshole pretty much all my life, I know. And you thought even with that weak chance, you didn’t want to challenge it with me, not until… now. You would have wanted it from anyone but me.“

He sighed, knowing that she was still clinging to those 0,9 percent as if her life depended on it.
But the chances were so slim they weren’t really there. Matt was more realistic. He knew there would be no baby, at least not in that way. No matter how often he slept with her.
And she, too, would realize that soon enough.

Notes