When I Was Your Man

“I can’t believe you let them all die!“ Karma exclaimed and played shocked. They were at Matt's house after him having spent weeks at her's, mainly because he finally needed to pick up some more clothes since they started leaving the house again.

Before, when Karma was having issues and Matt was there for her, he didn't need much more than sweatpants and fresh t-shirts every day but they planned dinner with the guys, Val and Michelle in the evening - and then Matt realized he had nothing to wear, not even fresh boxers. He grinned at the sight of his dead plants. Yeah I could have come home at some point, but eh… Those damn plants in my house have always bothered me anyway, so all’s well, right?

“And what the hell is that, Matt?“ He heard her voice from inside the kitchen. Yeah Mom, he thought with a grin, then walked into the kitchen. Oh yeah I could have… put those in the dishwasher, he thought as he saw the dirty plates he’d carelessly put in the sink assuming he would return the next day… Which he never did.

“Ew,“ he commented as he saw the fungi growing all over what once was a mediocre spaghetti sauce with meatballs. Okay, I have to admit it, Matt thought to himself, I'm a messie. But I'll be much tidier when we finally move together. I swear! He grinned again, knowing exactly that was not going to be the case. But eh, I can pay for a cleaning lady or something once in a while.

“Come on, I really don’t care… I’m probably selling this house anyway,“ he said rolling his eyes. From her facial expression, Matt could tell she was surprised. “Wait, you’re selling this house?“ She asked, looking shocked. Uh, yeah, I’m almost always at your house?

When he didn’t respond, she added, “And where are you headed then?" Uh, I thought your house? Matt felt like he was punched in the gut. Her saying that - it had to mean something right? It had to mean she didn't want to move together. Fuck, what do I say? She looked confused, and Matt wasn’t so sure she would like his suggestion. “Earth to Matt! Tell me you’re not moving into the city,“ she said louder than she needed to.

Matt chuckled for a second. Karma always ranted about their friends and members of other bands moving into the city, namely Los Angeles. To her, the city was dirty, unexciting, and most of all not home. He knew she definitely didn't want to be some kind of Beverly Hills celebrity, and he didn't either.

“God damn it woman, what would a man my age do in the city? It’s hard enough in the suburbs,“ he forced a chuckle, hoping this would distract her from the topic of moving. He’d just bring it up another time, in a more subtle way, and then he'd see where they were going with it. He practically lived with her anyway, he was sure he didn't need to ask to stay a couple more weeks before officially moving in. But... why? I mean, I live there anyway... Why did I have to bring that up?

Karma's face lit up after he said that. “Haha, and no-one would seriously consider letting a devil like you move into the city of Angels,“ she laughed. “I’m your devil,“ he husked in the voice he knew she loved so much. “Your Shepherd of Fire", he added, then pressed his lips on hers. It was crazy what it made him feel after all those kisses they shared. It kept feeling like the first time over and over again.

Karma melted into the kiss, then knocked the cap off his head. Her fingers tangled in his hair but Matt just couldn’t relax. Why didn’t she get the hint? She must have gotten it. She doesn’t want me to move in… But why? I thought we were that far… Maybe we're not. It's been only months but God, it feels like years...

He pulled away breathlessly, and her confused look met his face. “Matt, what’s wrong?“
“Why don’t you want to move together?“ He blurted out. Her face turned into a frown. She was obviously expecting this conversation. “Matt, I… I never said that…“
“But you did get my hint, right?“
“Yeah…“
“So why don’t you?“

“I just… I don’t know if I’m ready for a step like that… You know, I’m having all those issues and… I don’t know… I just…“
“Tell me the real reason, Karma,“ he said sternly, knowing she was just beating around the bush. “Honestly I don’t know, I just… Want to know that you could go back if…“

“If you wanted me to,“ he completed her sentence, feeling like a retard. “Yeah, kind of,“ she said, her hands finally leaving the place on his arms where they’d rested.
“I… Why?“ He managed to get out. His throat felt constricted, and hearing her say that made him feel like he got punched in the throat. Why would she want to have that back door?

“I don’t know, Matt. I like having you around but sometimes I need space. Don’t forget we’ve only been together for some months, it’s not like we’re married. I want to be sure this is exactly what we want before taking the next step, one after another,“ she said.

“But…“
“You want that happily ever after, and you want it now,“ she said before he could complete his sentence, and he nodded. He’d been dreaming of asking her to marry him. He did not think she wouldn’t like that, let alone not even to move together in the near future. They were meant to be, after all! Everyone knew that. He'd waited so long to get her, and it almost broke him. He made so many unforgivable mistakes, yet he managed for her to forgive him. This was what he didn't deserve, but somehow got anyway. This was what he wanted to keep, for the rest of his life and at all costs.

Matt knew he wouldn't get to have a normal, biological family with her. Maybe they wouldn't even have the time to have an adopted or in vitro fertilized one, seeing as they were busy touring, Karma alone and with the band, and Matt with the band and various other projects he had. Any other woman could stay at home, and they could just try to get pregnant while Matt was around. It would be easier. But he didn't care. It was all worth it. Like she said, he wanted that happily ever after, and soon.

“I know that. But I need some freedom, too. I can’t have us move together so soon. We need to get up and running first, I mean all our relationship has ever been about was the get-together phase and then you having to comfort me.“ He nodded, having realized that. But he thought it had made them much stronger than the average couple.

“Look, I’m not saying I don’t want all this but… not so soon,“ she said. To Matt, it didn’t make much of a difference. To him, it felt like she was saying she didn’t want him. He knew he was overreacting, and overthinking. That it wasn't rejection, just a major setback. But it felt much different.

“Do you not believe we can actually make it?“ He asked, his voice sounding much thinner than he wanted it to. “Matt, I don’t know. I’m not saying it can’t happen but… I guess it means we’ll have to wait and see. But I... I'd love to try as hard as we can. I just, I can't move together so soon. You're around all the time anyway, it won't change much. It's just... It feels good to know there's somewhere you can go when we possibly don't want to be around each other so much.“

“Alright,“ he pressed, “thanks for giving me a heads up.“ She threw him a forced smile which he was not able to return. “Call you tomorrow?“ She then asked, and he just shrugged. Did it really matter?

Karma left Matt to deal with the mess in his house but he couldn’t move. He did want that happy ever after, and he wanted it soon. To him it did not make much sense to keep waiting and waiting when everything was going so well. He knew she was right, that it was one step at a time, but it had been feeling so right and perfect in the past few months that he'd somehow forgotten that they needed some time between all those steps.

Why am I dreaming about marriage and she’s talking about freedom… The doorbell sounded suddenly, and for a second Matt thought it was her about to tell him she’d been joking earlier. But in his guts he knew she meant it just like that.

Maybe she was right, and he was rushing things after all. But to him, it didn’t feel like it, maybe because he’d been chasing her for years, maybe because he had loved her for so many years now. It wouldn’t feel rushed, it would feel like coming home, like something he deserved after all those years of enduring pain just because he couldn't have her - or because he told himself he didn't deserve another chance.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe I only want that so soon because I’m so scared of losing her again, and taking the next step is just some kind of reassurance that I'm doing it right this time.... It’s not the end of the world if she doesn’t want us to move together after such a little time being together…
He opened the door only to reveal a large handful of jiggly, perky breasts. He didn't even need to look at her face. ”What the fuck, Sarah?“ He breathed out. Her hands moved to grab his before he even realized what was going on. She placed them onto her breasts. He reacted after a few seconds, pulling his hands away as if he was touching the hot stove.

“I know you’re missing me,“ she purred, “and that you didn't mean to send me to jail. I got out on bail anyway, and I know you're gonna tell them you love me and you wanted me when we go to court because of that thing," she said with a smile.

“Care to leave me the fuck alone?“ He retorted. “I saw her leave you here, and you’re alone now. It’s got something to do with me, I just know it,“ she smiled. Suddenly, another car pulled up in his driveway. Alright, just fucking peachy.

Notes

Hey guys, finally back with an update. I'm so sorry, I can't believe it's been 8 days!