When I Was Your Man

The last days were very hard for Matt. He felt like he was walking on eggshells whenever he talked to her, and she didn’t let him touch her at all. Not that he really wanted to in a sexual way, but he did feel like holding her, or at least holding her hand without her flinching. He knew she hated herself for doing all that to her, for leading to that permanent result. He tried to show her that he loved her, tried to mend her.

But recently his thoughts had been circling about a scary thought: What if she didn’t even want to be fixed? He knew, of course, that it wasn't true, and that he should just give her the time that she needed, but it was hard for him.

After ten days of knowing there was no chance of her ever having children, it surely felt like that to him sometimes, like she didn't want his help She barely ate. Her already slim figure was diminishing, leaving her bony and weak. It reminded him so much of how she looked when he left her, vulnerable and hurt.

It hurt to even look at her, not that she returned his looks. It was as if she was staring into some kind of window to another world, one that she could see. A world where, possibly, they were happy with kids. Or was it a world in which she was alone, in which she granted her what she thought she deserved for ruining her body - solitude. Losing his love. Giving in to those sad, sad feelings.

He was going crazy over not knowing what was going on in her mind. Matt knew he had to do something, but what on earth could possibly be done to make her love herself again?

He almost lived with her these days. He just never really went back to his own house. Even though she said it was alright and that he didn’t have to sit with her all day, he just couldn’t bring himself to leave her. God only knew what she might try if that diagnosis made her hate herself so much.

That way, he could at least make sure she ate something. It wasn't much, and he had to practically beg her to do so, but at least something. Matt knew that it was different this time, that her entire situation just made her unable to eat. It wasn't because she thought she was too fat like last time. But he couldn't help but notice how much it reminded him of back then, back when he failed her. And he was determined not to fail her this time.

She was sitting at the kitchen table as he approached her, playing around with a bunch of carrots on her plate. She hadn’t touched her steak at all, not to mention the potatoes.
“Hey,“ he said, managing to keep his voice steady. She didn’t reply. Matt took a deep breath to calm himself down. “You know, I’m thinking we should go outside just for a little,“ he tried to motivate her.

“I’m not thinking we should,“ she said, her voice sounding weak. “Come on, the sun is shining. It’ll make you feel good. Just, let's just sit down a little. Or take a short walk. Just thirty minutes or so. We could feed the ducks Jimmy loved so much.“

Her eyes lit up at the mentioning of the ducks. Matt knew she always met Jimmy at the park during the nights, and Jimmy swore he had some kind of connection with the ducks, which did not make sense but it was funny nevertheless.

They'd put a video of him goofing around, being pretty much Jimmy-y with the ducks on YouTube, and their fans loved it so much. Matt cherished those recordings they had of Jimmy. They made him seem so alive. Even if their memories slowly faded away, those videos or even photos were enough to make them come back.

He'd been thinking a lot about his friend during the last weeks, wondering what Jimmy would do or say. He always knew how to cheer people up. But then Matt realized he wasn't Jimmy, and even if he jumped around and did ninja karate, rapped about grapes, or invited Karma on a nightly quest to find the Knife Master, it just wouldn't be as funny as if Jimmy did it. So evoking some beautiful memories would have to do.

She didn’t say anything. Her head hung low but he knew he won, she would go outside with him. “Come on,“ he said again, forcing a smile, “let’s go outside and feed them, huh?“ Karma nodded slowly. Matt offered her his hand and slowly led her to his car. Every step they took felt like she had to force herself, but Matt knew he had to get her outside at some point. She couldn’t sit around and pity herself all day. But at the same time it really hurt him to see her like this, and to have to force her.

Some minutes later, they were walking through the city’s park. Karma was holding his hand much too tight, but Matt didn’t care. All that counted was that she finally left the house for once. It meant that she was finally on a good way, didn’t it?

The walk to the pond was short, and Matt didn’t really know what to say to her. He’d made his decision to stand by her, and he was going to stick with it. She was the woman of his life, and even though they had only been back together for some months there was nothing he was more sure of.

He remembered all those nights, all those tears he’d had to cry when he lost her. He just knew that what they had was beyond a regular love, beyond what he had with any girl, beyond what his friends and their wives had. It was special, and she was special. Matt knew that he didn’t want to lose much more time. He was sure of his intentions, and he wanted to keep Karma forever.

It was strange because the time was not right, because she was at her worst. But it only reaffirmed his decision. He wanted her forever, and in his head he already dreamed of walking down the aisle with her. They were thirty, after all, it was not too early. She needed to do better first, but then he needed to ask her. And it would be great. He couldn’t wait for it.

Finally, they arrived at the pond, and Matt pulled out the plastic bag with the old bread. Then suddenly he froze. Fuck, he cursed himself for not thinking about that possibility. His eyes widened as he realized he should have checked the pond beforehand. Of course that stupid duck had to have ducklings at the worst fucking point possible. And make Karma think of her own disaster.

Karma’s eyes teared up at the sight of the plushy baby ducks, and he knew exactly she was being painfully reminded of her own infertility. God damn it, that fucking duck never had kids, he thought to himself while handing her the bag absentmindedly. He thought she was going to run back to the car, but instead she sat down onto the muddy ground and the little fearless ducklings waddled closer, all surveilled by a stern looking mom duck.

“Aren’t they cute?“ She thought aloud, and Matt sat down next to her even though he was wearing his most expensive pair of jeans that day. Let’s face it, I can afford half a million of those jeans… “You know, I’d really hoped I’d be like her one day,“ she said with a wary smile when she fed mom duck a large piece of bread. “I know, but I promise you you will,“ he said decidedly. She swallowed audibly.

“Karma, I swear to you we will make it work. I’ll love our kids, and you will, too. There are so many possibilities, and it doesn’t even mean that they can’t be ours. There’s a good chance you could bear a kid that’s got mine and Val’s DNA for example. Or we pick a different female donor from a catalog,“ he explained having read up on those options a lot during long nights.

“And,“ he added with a chuckle, “I sure hope you remember that you once told me you wanted to adopt a little Chinese and call him Adolph!“ She laughed, remembering all their drunken conversations during their first attempt of a relationship. “I know but I keep thinking I should go for an even more unfitting name like Franz Josef or Günther,“ she chuckled.

Matt grinned when he remembered the German fans they’d once invited into their hotel to party. They’d had the most German names you could think of.

“And you really think we’ll make it that far?“ She asked.
“Yes, I do. You’re the love of my life, Karma,“ he said, meaning every word.
“I love you, Matt.“
“And I love you.“

He leaned over and had to smile seconds before their lips finally met. Her hand squeezed his as firm as a vise. His heart pounded in his chest, reminding him again of how many feelings there were inside of him, all for her.

Suddenly, she pulled away. “Oh my God,“ she shrieked, “that stupid ass duck shat on me!“ Matt burst out laughing, realizing he had been cock-blocked by a duck.
“That’s Jimmy telling us to stop being so gay,“ he managed to breathe out during laughters, and he could tell Karma’s laughters were real, too. It seemed as if the spell was finally broken.

Notes

Hey guys sorry it took me so long to update :)