When I Was Your Man

The next days proved to be very uneventful. Matt had countless appointments with the police department, and Karma did, too. Both Sarah and Trey refused to cooperate with the police, and that Alex that groped Karma’s sex back in England was nowhere to be found yet.

When they were not at the police station or meeting up with the band, however, they spent time with each other. Their relationship progressed fast, and after two weeks back at Huntington Beach it felt like they were together for ages.

Matt spent all the nights at her place, seeing as his house never felt like home to him, anyway. Maybe that was because the one special person he called home was missing. Matt didn’t know. All he knew was that now, his home was with Karma. It felt inappropriate in a way, that he already called her his home. But there was nothing he could do. He didn’t want to go back to his cold and uninhabited house, not without her. And she had the most amazing house anyway, with a whirl pool on her balcony and a boxspring bed. He felt good in her presence, and the feeling was mutual.

They quickly developed a routine of cooking together in the evenings, then sharing a glass of wine or two over dinner. They communicated openly, and Matt felt like he was finally in what he could call a serious relationship. Even though they had only been together for some weeks, it didn’t feel rushed to him. When he dated Sarah, for example, he always felt rushed. But with Karma, there was a genuine happiness.

Matt hummed as he peeled the potatoes, feeling a little like a housewife since Karma was not there and he was not used to cooking. But he wanted to start preparing some food for when she came and surprise her, because why not?

Her meeting with her lawyer started at five, so Matt knew he wanted to have the food on the table by seven thirty. It would take about an hour and a half, and then another hour to drive home from downtown LA, maybe even more depending on the traffic. He unlocked his phone to check the recipe again. Matt leaned his phone against a picture of them taken on their first date when he took her onto his buddy’s yacht.

He knew how much Karma liked those cheap empanadas from Taco Bell, so he decided to make some of his own. A Mexican fan he kept in touch with after visiting him when he had cancer, Juan, was very happy to share a family recipe.

Matt had invited Val over as a surprise, knowing Karma dearly missed the time they used to spend before they went to Big Bear. Brian called earlier and informed him that they’d booked a studio for next month so they could record.
A few minutes later, Matt decided to just say fuck it. The phone rang one time, two times…

“Hello?“
“Val!“ Silence.
Then he heard her chuckle. “So, do you want me to pretend I don’t know what this is about?“
Matt laughed. “Yeah please help me with those empanadas? See you in five?“ She laughed. “Yeah, see you in five.“

He hopped into his car and picked her and Estelle up. Luckily, she didn’t live far from Karma’s house. But when he was about to pull into Karma's driveway again, he stopped dead on the tracks.

“Something wrong, Matt?“ The woman next to him asked, and Estelle started to gush. ”Somming Wong Ma, maaaa, maaa,“ she tried to repeat her mom’s question.
“Her car is here,“ Matt thought aloud. “And you wanted to surprise her, right?“ Val said, but Matt was sure she didn't understand.

“That, too. And… It’s pretty strange that she’s back actually.“ He glanced at his watch. It was barely after six, so there was no way she could have been in LA for her appointment. The drive was at least an hour.

“Well, let’s go in, right?“ Val walked in right before him, leaving Estelle in the car for him to deal with. He nodded, then took Estelle by the hand and led her inside the house. He had a bad feeling in his guts. Nevertheless he knew he couldn’t just wait outside.

“Karma?“
She sat there at the kitchen table, Val had placed her hand onto her back to comfort her. “I’m so, so, sorry…“ she mumbled. Fuck. I suck at comforting people. How the fuck am I supposed to help? HOW?

“What’s wrong dear?“ He said, placing Estelle onto the ground. The little girl ran off, and at that moment Matt didn’t really care where to. Karma was all that counted.
“My doctor called me on the way,“ she sobbed, “it’s true. I won’t ever have kids… That’s the second opinion…“

Matt felt a wave of sadness hit him with full force, but managed to keep his calm for the moment. Now was not the time to think about himself. But then again, when is? God knows I’ve been hoping for a different diagnosis… Matt shoved his doubts aside determinedly.

“I… I’m really sorry, Karma,“ he heard himself say. “But I love you and I will stay with you no matter what,“ he added. Val shifted in her seat, looking as uncomfortable as possible. “Look, I’ve been telling Matt if you want to, I’ll donate my ova,“ she said finally, “I mean.. if you ever decide to try a different way..."

Is it going to feel like it’s our child? Matt swallowed as he thought about the option. If it’s Karma having the large stomach, it will. But… maybe it still won’t work. Maybe we’ll have to have someone carry it for her… God damn it. Why am I even thinking that far when we’re only together for such a short time?

Matt excused himself, then walked out of the room. He wasn’t sure what he needed, but standing in there hearing the two women sob definitely wasn’t it. He sat down in his den and poured himself a glass of scotch from the mini fridge. He then realized Estelle was playing with his picks.

He smiled as he pulled her onto his lap. It was nice having the little one for an hour or two, but for a lifetime? Was he meant to be a dad? Would it feel much different with a kid of his own?
He cradled his head in his hands. It was too much to handle. But also, he felt like they were discussing their options so much earlier than they needed to. Then again, it felt like they couldn’t discuss those soon enough, knowing that this situation would not change.

There would not be any miracle. She would not surprise him with a stick any time in the future. It was going to be doctors appointments and all the likes. He would have to jerk off to some porn inside a chamber at the doctor’s instead of, well, the usual thing you did to get someone pregnant.

Is that what I want? Then, Matt thought about Val’s words right when Karma told him. A part of him had known it was real although the other part, the one not wanting to believe it, was much stronger. He’d been denying this possibility ever since he learned it was there. And now he couldn’t anymore.

Could another woman ever make me as happy as Karma does? I guess not. And fuck, it must be even more serious then ever to me if I’m thinking about all that already.

And then he realized it. It was not the thought of kids, or the thought of Karma not being able to have any that scared him. It was the realization that no matter what, he only wanted all that with her. And he understood that sometimes, things could terrify and amaze a human at the same time.

Notes