From: Karma
You were right, I did want that. Even more actually. Can't happen as you know. I'm truly sorry for thinking you'd do that to me. But I knew you wanted it just as much.

Matt stared at the text. He knew what to expect. But somehow, reading it made it even worse. What the hell do I reply, he wondered, and how will she react to whatever it is I reply?

He put the phone away, knowing he wouldn't know what to respond anyway. Should he consult Val? He didn't know. It was all too confusing. His mind felt empty and full at the same time. Full of thoughts, yet not a single one could be fully grasped.

In a way, Matt felt like right after their first night. He was certain he would never forget that one drunken mistake in his bunk during the Taste of Chaos tour.

I’ve been such an asshole, Matt thought at the bittersweet memory, I never thought about the consequences of my acts. Maybe that’s what she liked about me, after all. That’s why we got together for sure.

Matt was sure if he’d been a little more grown up back then, he would have never had Karma. It was not a rational thing to do. And if he had never had her, Avenged Sevenfold would still exist. It pained him to even think about it.

Had I been any more supportive of her, then maybe I wouldn’t have broken up Avenged. If I’d said I supported her no matter what, she wouldn’t have had to lie to me and tell me she wasn’t working on her career anymore. We could still be together. He sighed as he took another sip from his beer.

He knew Karma wasn’t entirely innocent, but he was to blame, too. She would have needed an understanding boyfriend, not someone who tried to talk her out of everything she wanted to do.
She wanted both, and she never made it a secret. I pushed her so hard she had no other choice than to lie to me about all that.

And that thing with Brian?

He snorted as he thought about it. It didn’t really matter anyway. It was one stupid kiss, and Karma didn’t like or enjoy it. He believed her, and he believed Brian, too. It was long forgotten.

Back then, it was just another point for him to just say fuck it and break up with her. And Sarah. His insides twisted painfully at the thought of her. The devil, as Karma called her even way before Matt and her were a thing.

Sarah just appeared at his doorsteps on the day of the fight, and Matt felt confused. He knew it now that there was no way to justify what he’d done but he was confused, and angry. And of course, after all, he was just a man, and she was there. All dolled up and dressed sexily for him.

He'd felt terrible afterwards. There was this urge to throw up, and he almost didn't even make it into the bathroom in time. He couldn’t live with himself knowing he’d betrayed Karma.

Matt remembered how he’d laid awake that fateful morning somewhere on the road between Virginia and their next venue, right after she left his bunk to walk back to hers. He didn’t regret anything back then.

He just thought she was a good lay for the night. The tension was there for months, and he was enough of a prick to act on it. The only thing Matt worried about was that she might have been too drunk - which she probably was. She cared about the band. She would have never given in to him without all that alcohol in her system.

I wish I could still be so careless, Matt thought. But on the other side, he knew that the thing with Karma and ultimately losing Avenged - or almost, depending on if they were reforming or not - made him grow up. And that it was a good thing. He could not walk through life without ever thinking of the consequences of what he did.

But I think too much and risk too little. In a spontaneous state of bravery, Matt pulled out his phone and typed.

To: Karma
You’re right. I did. Still do actually.

He hit send. He waited for a few seconds. Then he hit himself square in the face. What the fuck am I doing? Why the hell did I write that?

His phone vibrated again. I have to look at her text at some point, Matt reminded himself. His hands decidedly grabbed the small thing. His face fell.

From: Karma
You know I'll hate myself for telling you this, but I keep thinking that maybe we should do it. One last time. For closure and all. To let go.

Fucking for closure? Yeah sure, as if that ever helped it. Matt thought for a second. His younger self would have done it in a heartbeat. How much did he have to lose, ultimately? He was already in love with her. That one time wouldn’t change it. He was ready to work with her even though he wanted to be more than just friends. That wouldn’t change either.

And of course, a quiet voice inside his head whispered, there’s always the possibility that she likes it, too. More than she should. Fuck it, he thought. I’m done being the good guy and taking everything into consideration. See where it got me.

To: Karma
Me too.

It took all his strength to hit the send button. Matt was glad he already had some beers in his system. Her response came seconds later.

From: Karma
Tonight. Let’s say 9? Park the car down Weaver Street. One time and you leave.

Matt almost spit out his beer when he realized what he was doing. Did I seriously just arrange a sex date in less than two hours? And what the fuck happened to me? From booty caller to booty call in less than two months. She fucks me up.

The open beer landed in the trash can despite being half full. He didn’t want to smell of alcohol when he came. And he had to drive, after all.

To: Karma
Good. No one can know and we'll never mention this again.

His fingers typed the response on their own, almost as if he never wanted to be reminded of their night. Ever. Somehow Matt thought it would make it easier for him.
What an utter fool he was.

It took Matt longer than usually under the shower. He washed his body carefully, and after that, he applied a trace of the cologne she used to love so much. Then he washed it away again, thinking it might be too much. He reapplied it and decided to wear it for good.

He stared into the mirror, realizing that his hair was longer than it was back then. For some seconds, he wondered if he should cut it. The sides he had shaved for the music video for This Means War had grown out and a couple of days ago, he’d had them all cut at the same length.

I’m thinking too much again, Matt reminded himself. Now is not the time to think.
He had to remind himself of the not-thinking part a couple of more times, especially when it came to dressing himself. But he quickly decided on jeans and a plain black t-shirt. He didn’t want her to think he’d dress differently for that.

He quickly brought himself to a release before he left the house. If he was getting Karma, he wanted to make sure to spend as much time as possible inside her.

Ever since seeing her again for the music video, he’d quit all of his affairs, which would make it harder to last anyway.

So that is what I’ve become, he thought with an amused smirk as he got into his car, a booty call for a girl. Never thought I’d be that. That’s karma, I guess.

Notes

Hey guys sorry I couldn't give you another update on Matty's birthday. But I promise you, I honored that birthday in my story ;) Once you read it, you'll know it ;)

I know this is essentially just a text message conversation but I promise I'll update again later tonight or tomorrow at the latest. And we all think we know what's coming right?

Love to all of you,