So Far Away

We spent our last day in Hawaii hiking around the island. It was such a beautiful place, I never wanted to leave. I thought things would be awkward between us but it wasn’t. It was just like two friends spending a fun day together. When night started to fall we made our way back to the resort to start getting our stuff packed so we could get a good night’s sleep since we had to be up early to catch our flight.

“I can’t believe when this trip started I wanted to murder you in your sleep,” I said as I sat down on my suitcase to try to get it zipped. It still wouldn’t close and I groaned as I opened it again and tried to cram the stuff in tighter.

“I hope you didn’t actually consider that.” He moved behind me, his strong arms reaching around my body and pulling the zipper closed with ease.

“Only once or twice,” I teased, turning around only to be taken off guard by how close he was to me.

“Well I guess we have come a long way then.” A smile tugged at his lips and he reached out to brush a stray bit of hair away from my face. Our gazes locked and he leaned in ever so slightly. I looked away quickly, clearing my throat as I stepped around him.

“So uhh we need to double check that we have everything packed.” I moved towards my carry on bag so I could make myself look busy until this weird tension lifted. Matt gently grabbed my arm.

“Everything is packed. How about we go sit on the beach for a while? Soak it all up one last time.”

That wasn’t such a good idea. Alone with Matt with the waves and the breeze and the smell and the way on the last day of a vacation you want to cling to everything you can about the place. It seemed like the perfect recipe for something more to happen with us. And like I’d said before, I wasn’t ready for anything else to happen. But I couldn’t think of a way to turn down the request. So I swallowed down the nerves and followed Matt down to the beach.

We walked for a while, getting away from the busiest part of the beach and so it was dark enough to see the stars better. After finally finding a suitable location we sank down onto the sand. I tilted my head back, staring up at the twinkling lights far above us and focused on how the ocean breeze felt in my hair.

“The stars are so beautiful tonight,” I murmured.

“Almost as beautiful as you,” Matt said softly.

“Matt...you can’t say things like that.” “When it comes to you I can’t help what comes out of my mouth.”

Sighing, I turned my attention skyward again. My mind was a jumbled mess, which was nothing new. My thoughts and my feelings had been all over the place lately.

“We’ll never be here again. In this place, in this moment. Why not make the most of it while we’re here?”

“Because I don’t know what I want! The fact that I feel anything for you scares the hell out of me. The thought of giving what’s left of me to anyone scares me to death.”

“You can live the rest of your life in fear.”

“Why not? If it keeps me from getting hurt again I’m okay with it. Why are you pushing so hard?”

“Because I want you to be happy. No, I want to be the one to make you happy.”

“I don’t feel like I deserve to be happy. Not after everything that happened.”

“That’s ridiculous. Nobody deserves to be miserable for the rest of their lives over a mistake. You don’t even remember anything that happened that night. No one will blame you for moving on with your life.”

I stayed silent, staring at the light of a boat far out on the water. I knew he was right. But was I willing to give things with him a chance? It still felt wrong to even be considering letting things go any further with him.

“Just stop pushing me. I told you I didn’t want to talk about this until we’re back home.”

“You can’t keep putting off the inevitable.”

“So now it’s inevitable that we’ll be together?”

“Yes it is.”

“You’re so full of shit, Matt. You have no id-”

I was cut off by his lips meeting mine. His hand on the back of my neck kept me from pulling away. And then I didn’t want to pull away anymore. He broke the kiss, moving his lips down to my neck leaving a trail of kisses down then back up to my lips. He pulled my bottom lip between his teeth and I couldn’t deny the feeling of lust it gave me.

“Come here,” he whispered and pulled me even closer. I settled myself down on him, straddling his lap as his lips met mine again. The kiss blazed through my entire body, setting every nerve on fire. His hand wrapped in my hair, tugging slightly, and earning a moan from my lips. He took advantage and soon his tongue was battling with mine again. My arms around his neck pulled him closer until our chests were pressed together. His hands moved down to my ass, squeezing. My hips involuntarily jerked against his. One of his hands moved up under my shirt and the feeling of his hand on my bare skin had me pulling on his shirt, bringing him as close to me as possible. I could feel him growing hard through his jeans and against my better judgement I rubbed my core against him for a second time. He hissed and his hands that were traveling all over my body suddenly stopped moving. He rested his forehead against my collarbone, breathing hard.

“Too fast,” he whispered.

“I told you this was a bad idea. It’s too easy to do things without thinking of the consequences when you’re on vacation. Once we’re back to reality both of us might feel completely different.”

“I can see right through your excuses, you know? You are grasping at straws trying to cover up the fact that you want this. It’s not going to work. Sooner or later you’ll have to face these feelings you’re trying so hard to deny.”

I was standing on the beach in the same spot Matt and I had been that night. Jimmy was a few steps ahead of me when he suddenly turned around to face me. “Matt is right, you’re lying to yourself,” he said.

“You’re actually on his side?” I asked in disbelief.

“No. I’m on your side. I want you to be happy. You are being too stubborn to realize what could be the key to your happiness is right in front of you.”

“It could also be the key to more devastation.” I tried to turn away from him, having this conversation with him made me feel sick to my stomach, but he grabbed my shoulders to stop me.

“Do you remember that time I made you go skydiving with me?”

“Of course I do. I was so scared I thought I was going to die.”

“You were terrified but you jumped anyway. You knew the ground was down there to catch you. Sure it could have gone badly and the thing that was supposed to catch you could have killed you. But you put aside that thought and trusted the ground. Think of this the same way.”

“It’s different.”

“No it isn’t. All you have to do is put aside your fear and jump.” Suddenly he vanished into thin air and I was left on the beach alone. A groan of frustration fell from my lips.

“Are you okay?” Matt asked, his mouth so close to my ear I could feel his breath. I must have actually groaned out loud.

“I’m fine, go back to sleep.”

He yawned then wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. He was already fast asleep before I could protest.

Notes