So Far Away

The next morning, well actually afternoon, we woke up to a storm raging outside. The weather forecast showed it would continue all day so we planned to binge on pay per view movies and order in food.

“No horror movies,” I said as we were trying to pick out a movie. He ignored me and started a horror movie anyway. “Matt, I hate scary movies!”

“Shh the movie is starting.” He smirked as he turned his full attention to the screen in front of us.

Twenty minutes in I had my hands covering my eyes. Something was jumping out every five seconds it seemed like and I was already tired of Matt laughing at me every time I flinched at the scary parts.

“Come on, it’s not that bad.” Matt pried my hands away from my face just in time for a loud scream to pierce the air that made me fall over, landing halfway on his lap. “Well shit if you wanted me to hold you all you had to do was ask.”

“You’re an asshole.” I tried to sit up but Matt had other ideas. He tightened his hold on me and with one hand dug his fingers into my side. The fucker knew how ticklish I was from all the times he’d seen Jimmy mess with me. “I will kill you!”

“You’re tiny, you can’t hurt me.” He continued his assault and I continued fighting as hard as I could but it was of no use. He was right, I was tiny and he wasn’t so I was no match for him.

“Matt please…” I had tears streaming from my eyes as I squirmed around. I finally managed to yank myself from his grasp but I didn’t realize the edge of the bed was so close. I tumbled over the side and Matt tried to catch me, which only resulted in him falling off too.

I landed on my back with a thud and he landed on top of me, catching himself on his arms so he didn’t squish me. “Oww fuck,” I grumbled.

“Are you okay? I didn’t know you were going to dive off the bed,” he sounded concerned but I could tell he was on the verge of laughing.

“I’m fine, but can you please get off of me?”

“Oh yeah, sorry.” He got to his feet and grabbed my hand to pull me up too. “Hold still, your hair is caught in your necklace.” His fingers brushed against the bare skin of my collarbone as he gently freed the jewelry from my hair.

“Got it,” Matt murmured and brushed my hair back away from my face.

He froze with his hand still touching my cheek, staring down at me with an odd expression on his face. I took a step back, feeling awkward, but I didn’t make it very before Matt grabbed my shoulders and pulled me to him, pressing his lips against mine.

My hands went to his chest to push him away but he didn’t budge. His hand moved to the back of my neck and then my hands curled, grabbing handfuls of his shirt and pulling him closer to me. Once he realized I wasn’t pushing him away he moved to deepen the kiss. When his tongue brushed against my lip asking for entrance, I was suddenly snapped back to my senses.

I took a big step back out of his embrace. “Matt…” I trailed off, knowing I should say something but words were failing me.

He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No you probably shouldn’t have.” I sank down on the edge of the bed, my fingers resting against my lips that were still tingling from the kiss.

“What’s going through your head right now?”

“I’m thinking it’s time to order some food. Pizza sound good?” I grabbed my phone and googled pizza places nearby that delivered, pacing around the room as I did so.

“Jerri wait a second.”

“So pizza it is. What kind do you want?”

He sighed deeply. “Pepperoni.”

-x-
An hour later we were finishing up our pizza and beer sitting at the table on our balcony. It was still raining but the roof lent just enough protection to keep us from getting wet. The silence between us was painfully awkward.

“Are you mad at me?” Matt finally broke the silence to ask.

“No,” I said simply.

“Then why the silent treatment?”

I stared down at the waves crashing onto the shore. “I just don’t know what to say.”

“So you’re mad.”

“No, Matt, I’m not. I’m just confused...conflicted...I don’t fucking know.” I dragged a hand down my face, frustrated that I couldn’t put the jumbled thoughts in my head into words.

“Talk through it, tell me what you’re thinking it doesn’t have to make sense. I just need to know what is going on in that head of yours.”

“I guess I’m shocked that you kissed me, I mean I know we’ve been getting closer but I wasn’t expecting that. Maybe also a little guilty because I think I liked it more than I should have. Even guiltier because it would be fucked up for me to let anything happen between the person who was just as responsible for breaking Jimmy’s heart as I was. Confused because well why wouldn’t I be? It’s like there is a war going on inside my head and I don’t know what side is winning. I can’t deny that this week getting to know you has been amazing. I feel like I could be close to you like I haven’t been to anyone since Jimmy. But am I just latching onto you because being around you fills the void that Jimmy left? Or is there really something worth pursuing there?”

Matt’s lips twitched into a small smile. “So you liked it when I kissed you?”

“Is that the only thing you heard? Typical.” I couldn’t stop myself from rolling my eyes at him.

“You’re thinking too much into it. If something feels good, there’s nothing wrong with exploring it.”

“I’m sure the same could be said about cocaine but when has that ever had a good outcome for anyone? I just don’t think I can go there, not with you.”

“I don’t want to accept that,” Matt said as he moved his chair closer to mine, his hand reaching out to rest on my knee.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, not now. We’ve got another day here then the trip home to get through and I don’t want things to be awkward between us. We need to put this conversation to the side until we get home.”

He started to argue but I put my hand over his mouth to stop him. “That’s the best I can give you right now.”

Notes