Strawberry Fields Forever

In the corner of Huntington Beach’s shabbiest bar, Matt was nursing his seventh beer of the evening. He’d debated whether or not to go to Johnny’s, the guys’ and his favorite bar, but he knew the guys were probably going to be there. After the incident, they’d told him about their meetings for months, but Matt never came, so they gradually stopped asking.

If he was honest, Matt missed the past times more than ever. He loved to remember the evening he went out with Brian, Jimmy and some of their roadies to a hotel bar in France. It ended up in Brian falling off the table, Jimmy emptying a whole pint of beer in his face and them lying around in the elevator, almost getting hit by the doors. Those were the good days, Matt thought as he took a big gulp.


It was plain and simple: He loved Amelie. He’d fallen for her at an astonishing pace, but now he was sure. There was nothing he could do about it, but it felt good to at least admit it to himself.

The thought of not having a future together made his heart ache. To him, the age difference would not have mattered. He was certain they could have found a way. But as it was, the future held dark times for both of them. How would they meet? When? He did not see any way to pull it off properly.

Brian was right. He should have let her go right after that first mistake. What had he been thinking in the first place? He didn’t know. Probably not at all, which was the whole point. He’d gone too far by taking her virginity, but it had been just so tempting.

He sighed. Maybe, he thought, if he called Brian he could talk him out of it. And then he would finally let her go and start healing right away. He’d lost his wife forever, so it surely couldn’t be harder to let go of an almost lover that just couldn’t be.

It took Matt two attempts to dial Brian in his inebriated state, but when he heard himself slurring into the phone, he was almost surprised at how drunk he was.


“Brrrriaaaaaan,” he heard himself say, “whatchaaa doinnn?” Somehow, he had to laugh at how funny he sounded. "Thisss isssexy Mattyyy but you c-can call me horse cock or God, duuuude!" He burst out laughing. Everything wasn’t as bad anymore.

“Uhm, we’re at Johnny’s, but what the fuck are you doing?” his brother in-law’s voice sounded thin through the phone. He sounded sober, and he was definitely pissed. WHATEVERRRR I'M FEELING SO GOOD TONIGHT! Wonder if Skinny still has that mic somewhere, I should perform! “Sssssssssskiinyyyy Pete’s,” Matt replied. He hadn’t been this drunk in a long time, and it felt liberating in a way.

“Oh God, fucking Matt is at Skinny’s,” he heard Brian say to the rest of the guys. “YEAH HELLOOO,” he screamed into the phone, "HOW ARE YOU FFFFUCKERS!" The others at the bar looked at him with a funny expression.

The people at Skinny Pete’s Bar weren’t exactly those you wanted to meet in a cul-de-sac in the middle of the night, but they weren’t those you crossed the street to avoid during the day, either. Most of them were lonely, and that was something Matt had in common with them.


“Matt, I'm coming. Don’t fucking move.” Brian sounded pissed, but Matt couldn’t care less. What wouldn't I give for a good snort? “H-hey, Skinny,” he called out to the bartender, probably louder than he had to.

Skinny Pete, whose real name nobody knew, was an all-around known town drunk. It astonished everyone how he could still have his bar going when he was beyond drunk all the time. It was well known that once he got up, he walked, or rather staggered, over to the nearest gas station and then downed a bottle of spiritus just to get himself going.

Anyone was able rip him off in his bar, but somehow, he always got his money. People paid him either out of respect or out of pity. Mostly both.

”Yeah,” Pete slurred as he placed a dirty glass full of tequila in front of him. “It’s on the house, Shadows.” Matt downed the drink, thinking about the words Pete chose. Shadows, he’d called him. And Pete was right in a way. He wasn’t himself anymore. His stage alter ego was taking over again, but he wasn’t sober enough to bother anymore.

“Pete, you still got some?” he asked, craving anything other than alcohol. In his past, Matt had done way too many drugs. When Jimmy committed suicide with drugs and alcohol, the guys and he had sworn off the drugs forever.

Now everything was different, and the dowdy bar and the alcohol reminded him of the many good times he’d had, and that despite those years of excessive drug use, everything had turned out strangely alright. So one more snort couldn’t hurt, right?


“Yeah man,” Skinny said as he took away the glass. It fell down on the floor, but it didn't break. When Skinny bowed down to pick it up, he needed three attempts. "Good ol' Walmart quality," he laughed and revealed the three rotten teeth still left in his mouth, two in the corners of his upper jaw and one grinder on the left side.

His thin fingers were black and half-dead from all the drug and alcohol abuse. “You know, ‘s gotten so much more expensive over the years,” Pete said, “and I haven’t sold anything to one of you in YEARS, so I can't be that cheap anym-, oh, hey, Synyster!” His dark fingers waved.

Suddenly, Matt felt arms being wrapped around his chest from behind. “Let’s get your drunk ass out of here,” Brian said as he threw Pete a fifty dollar note onto the filthy counter. “Keep the change.”


Outside of the bar, Brian sat him down onto a bench. Matt realized he couldn't walk on his own anymore. “Didn’t think it was that bad, man,” Brian murmured, placing his arm around him. Matt’s head was feeling heavy, so he let it fall onto Brian’s shoulder and inhaled the scent of his fake leather jacket. It made him want to throw up.

“She’s still here, right,” Brian said, more of an observation than a question. Matt knew he didn’t have to answer. His bandmate knew him well enough.

“I tried, man,” he heard Brian say, “but it really sucks to be the bad guy. She seems really nice and I didn’t even want to do it.”

“You did what you thought was right,” Matt retorted, and he knew Brian had his best interests at heart.

“I’m sorry for being an ass,” Brian said.
“Yeah, eat a bag of dicks and we’re good,” Matt chuckled. He couldn’t stay mad at Brian for long. “Where are the guys?”

“Home. I told them I wanted to talk to you alone.” Matt let out a sigh. His vision was blurred. The fresh air made him aware of how much he had to drink.


“You know,” Brian cleared his throat before continuing, “If you really want something, you’ll find a way. And if you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.” He made a meaningful pause. “Are you trying to go all Aristotle on me?” Matt grinned, his vision blurry. He didn’t need to see the guitarist to know what a smug grin he was having on his face. Brian wasn’t the best when it came to giving advice, but strangely, what he said made sense.

“Actually, that’s a quote by Michelle,” he said proudly, “That’s what she told me back then when we started having this thing going on and we weren’t sure how to call it. I didn’t wanna ruin our friendship, but she wanted something real.”

“Now you got that,” Matt remarked.

“Yeah. It’s never been easy, but we made the effort. Hell, Matt, we’ve been terrible husbands for a long time. What you said about those groupies, it was true. And I’m not gonna do it anymore. I swear. I’ll make this work with her. And you should, too. How long does one study, huh? Four years? And a semester is 3 months.

"You can visit after one and a half, and if you guys really want this, she can spend the breaks with you. Not too bad, huh? And after that, she’s free to go wherever she wants. She could even transfer to some American university after a year or two. I’m trying to say… You CAN make it work.”


Matt looked at his guitarist in surprise. He’d been expecting him to say anything but this. “But, I’m so old…”

“Fuck you, Matt. There’s that excuse again. Big age gap relationships can’t work? Who says that, huh, society?” He spat that last word. “Thought you didn’t give two shits about paradigms.” Matt swallowed. He knew Brian was right.
“So, we good?” Matt chuckled at that question, but then shook hands with him.


“Alright man, I think I should really get you home,” Brian laughed and led him to his car. In silence, Brian drove Matt home. “I’ll call you tomorrow, alright? How about a beach day with the guys and then a barbecue? We’ll all get to know her and then I’ll take the little ones, so you can have a quiet night to talk, and, YOU KNOW” Brian suggested with a wink.

“Thanks Brian, I appreciate it.”
"Anytime. And I'm glad I don't have to be the asshole anymore. I just... I thought it was right, you know? It's gonna be hard for you and I thought I could still spare you all that. Hell, she could have been after your money or whatever. I just wanted to protect you, and her, too."
"I know, man."


In the dark house, Matt rummaged through the bathroom as he took a painkiller to brace for the hangover the next day. He stared at himself, not really sure who he was seeing in the mirror.

In his mind, he could hear the applause from his last concert. “Sevenfold, Sevenfold!” the crowd exclaimed. Women were throwing their bras onto the stage while Shadows let out a satanic growl. A pit started forming. A woman had a large sign that spelled “M Shadows = Rock God”. That was the life.

Suddenly, the melody he’d been playing on his guitar over and over again started playing inside of him. He quickly grabbed a notepad, for once thankful that he had them lying around in almost every room.


“I’m way up, a God in size,” he wrote.
“Beyond the reach of mortals I shed my human side,
Father, oh Father,
I stare at my reflection have I lost that boy inside
On a paradigm?”


That’s my chorus, he thought. That is it. Excitedly, he sat down on the ridge of the bath tub to think about the rest. He feared their relationship would come to an end, which was why he didn’t dare start it yet. What did it mean to be a man, after all? To Matt, the answer had always been to love a woman with all his heart. After that evening, he knew he had to let go of those fears to be one again.


“What’s it really mean to be a man?
Think about your answer but please understand
While it’s natural to fear I’ll make it disappear forever”


Who’s writing now, Matt wondered. Was it him? Was it his darker alter ego? Could he really combine those two people inside of one? The “God” that Shadows thought he was, that would live forever as a legend, and himself, the father and lover he was, were they really one? And was it alright to let the stage persona come through from time to time?


“I have to question if these thoughts are mine, I’ll live forever but did something in me die?
I’m clawing my skin but I can’t feel it inside
I know the agony of pain would hurt so much better
I’m way up, so far up. Have I lost myself tonight?
Father, oh Father, have you lost that boy you used to know?”


He laid aside the pen, knowing he wasn’t finished, but it was a good start. He could hear himself singing the song already, so all he had to do was fill in some words that made sense and then write it down. He pulled out the phone and very quietly sang into it, recording himself singing.
He let out the highest notes, knowing he would remember them the day after. Pleased with himself, he stripped down to his underwear and brushed his teeth.

Without giving it a second thought, he walked across the narrow hallway and past his bedroom. He was giving in. He was letting go of those doubts. He was giving it a try. It was for the best. Matt stood in front of her bed for a long time, admiring the way her soft hair was spread out on the pillow.

The moon illuminated the room with a very dim light, painting her features soft. Her expression was peaceful, and he had to resist the urge to wake her up just for a kiss.

As careful as he could, he lied down next to her. She let out a grunt as she turned around. “Matt?” she mumbled. “Shh,” he whispered. He pulled her into his arms and she sighed, half-asleep.
And then he just said it, plain and simple as he meant it.

“I love you.”

Notes

Hope y'all like the update :)