Enough

When I woke the next morning, Zack wasn't beside me. I shifted from my side to my back and realized the shower was running. Without thinking too much about it, I quickly got out of bed and briskly walked to the guest room where my clothes still lay on the floor beside the bed. I quickly changed out of Gena's clothes, tossed them into the dirty clothes hamper and then ran down the stairs and into the living room. I grabbed my personal belongings and walked out of the house, shutting the door quietly behind me.

The next few hours were long. I was constantly checking my phone for a text or call from Zack. Half of me was relieved that his name never popped up, whereas the other half was hurt. I didn't know what I was expecting or hoping would come out of this. A part of me knew he loved Gena, I knew they belonged together. And yet, another part of me was selfishly happy when I found out Gena rejected Zack's marriage proposal.

"Not rejected," I reminded myself, "just postponed."

Four days passed and I still hadn't heard from Zack. I broke down and texted him a simple "hey" on day number three, but here it was nearly 24 hours later and I still hadn't receive a reply.

Had Zack hated me for kissing him? After all, he was happy with his life. He was - is with Gena and I kissed him. He cheated on her and it was entirely my fault. No, he kissed me back; it couldn't be entirely my fault. I initiated it, yes, but he continued it.

Maybe he just got caught up in the moment like I did and now he regrets it because the moment was over. I was beginning to think the moment was never going to be over for me. He probably regrets it now and that's probably why I haven't heard from him. He just didn't know how to tell me it was a mistake, but it's okay because I already knew it was. I already knew it was wrong to do, but it only felt wrong because of Gena. I don't know why all these old feelings for him came rushing back to me, but they did. I couldn't help that.

Another day passed and it had been a total of five days since I last seen or heard from Zack. Gena and the rest of the girls were due home from Paris in four days. Normally that wouldn't make me nervous but under these circumstances, I was. I wasn't sure if Zack had already told Gena what happened, if he was waiting for her to get home to tell her to her face or if he just wasn't going to tell her at all.

Zack was definitely going to tell her. He had no reason not to. He wants to marry her, and even though this might screw up her trust towards him a little, it wouldn't be near as bad if he didn't tell her and she somehow found out later. There was no doubt in my mind that he was going to tell her. Then, Gena was going to do one of two things. She was either going to kick my ass or she was going to tell the other girls what happened and then they were all going to come kick my ass. The only thing I would be able to do is let it happen. I mean, I would deserve it, I know that, I kissed a man who was practically engaged to be engaged. And I don't think I could win a fight against four angry women.

I sighed. I could also hope and pray that Matt would be home if Gena came for me. There would be no way he would let her or them attack me, even if he did disapprove of what I did. But if he wasn't here, at least Jake taught me one thing: how to take a good beating.

I consumed myself in “What If's” and “Would've-Could've-Should've's” until I decided to get up off the couch and do something about it. I slipped on my shoes. I was going to Zack's so we could talk this out. If he wasn't there I was going to wait or if he refused to open the door, I was going to wait.

I grabbed my keys and headed to the door. I wrenched it open, full of determination but stopped dead in my tracks when I came face to face with Zack.

We just stared at each other. His green eyes pierced mine and all of my words and determination left me.

"You're going somewhere," he said, looking slightly relieved. "I'll come back." The tone in his voice told me he was looking for any reason to not be there. He turned and began to walk away.

"I was...coming to see...you." My words tripped out of my mouth.

He turned back to me and slowly made his way back towards the front door. "Okay," he said. "Is Matt home?"

I shook my head, "It's just us." I allowed him to come in and he did. He kept his back facing me for a minute or two and then turned to me. "Zack I..." I started but he had opened his mouth and spoke too. We both shut our mouths, but I opened mine again. "I’m so sorry." I told him. "I texted you."

He nodded. "I know. I just needed more time."

I nodded too and we both just stood there. Zack sighed and paced in a small circle before turning back to me, running his tattooed hand through his jet black hair.

"Why, Beks?" He asked me. "You told me in high school that you just wanted to be friends. You said we had too much of a good thing to ruin it on something that might not last."

I shook my head. "We agreed on that, Zack. Not just me."

"No, Bekah, I wanted to be with you! I loved you. You made that decision for us. I just went along with it because I didn't want to lose you."

I shook my head. All these years I thought we both agreed to just be friends, had I remembered it wrong? It didn't matter if I did or not. "You got over me though. You and Gena worked things out and now you're happy and I messed it up. I'm so sorry, Zack." I confessed. "I don't know what came over me. Those old feelings just came back out of the blue. We can just be friends - I promise it won't happen again."

"You don't get to make that decision. Not again." Zack said.

I was confused. "What?"

"I get to make the decision about what happens this time." He told me.

The confusion didn't leave me. "Zack...you're with Gena."

"I know," was all that escaped his lips.

I rolled my eyes, frustrated. "So then the decision is made! What do you mean you get to make the decision this time? Do you just want to slam the gavel or what? I don't understand!"

"I don't know, okay? I didn't come here expecting you to actually open the door."

"Then why did you come?" I asked him, shoving my hands on my hips.

Zack chewed at his lip. "Just to be able to say I did if you asked."

"That's great. So what, you don't want to be my friend anymore? Is that it? I'm sorry Zack! We can go back to pretending it never happened if that's what you want. You don't even have to tell Gena if you don't want to because I swear I won't say a word!"

"Beks, shut the fuck up." Zack said. It wasn't a yell; instead it was just his normal, calm tone.

I closed my mouth, opened it again to protest but decided against it and closed my mouth once more.

"I love Gena," Zack started.

I interrupted him. "I know. I..."

"Rebekah, shut the fuck up." Zack said slowly. I listened to him. "I love Gena," he started again, shooting me a glare while he said it. "I love her, I do but I just don't think it's going to work out."

I opened my mouth to reply but he glared and I shut it again. "I asked her to marry me and she said no. She said she wasn't ready." He paused. "We've been together for what, ten or eleven years? How do you not know if you want to marry that person or not? Like, what is she waiting for Beks? So, no I don't think it's going to work out. I don't think we're going to be lucky enough to last like Matt and Val, I just don't think she and I are meant to be together."

"Zack, you're just missing her. That's all."

He shook his head. "That's not it, Beks. I don't love her like I used to. The moment she told me she didn't want to marry me...I just kind of distanced myself from her. I think deep down she feels the same way I do."

I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything for a long moment. "Why are you telling me this?" I asked him softly.

Zack stared at me, taking in all of my features. I watched his eyes travel across my face several times before he spoke. "Because you're not the only one who has been feeling those old feelings again, Beks."

He said the words, but I didn't understand them. "I'm...you...what?" I sputtered.

"We came back from tour and I saw you and I don't know what changed, but something did. It was like a switch was flipped on. Beks, I was hardly able to keep you off my mind." He wet his lips, still staring intently at me. "And then we had our movie night, and I invited you into bed with me because of your nightmare, but also because I wanted you near me. And then you kissed me and it was like fire for me. It consumed me and I wanted more but..."

"Gena." I finished with a nod, still registering what he said to me.

"The next morning you were gone. I thought you regretted it and didn't want to face me. Then you texted me, but I wasn't sure what to say to you because I was feeling so conflicted. Because I love Gena but I love you too. I loved you in high school, and I was able to shove those feelings deep, deep down until they were forgotten about but now..." He paused again. "I can't stop thinking about you."

I didn't know what to say to him. I never expected those words to fall out of his mouth. I stood there, unable to form a word in my head let alone my mouth. Zack stood patiently in front of me, waiting for me to say something - anything.

"Zack, I don't know what to say. I mean...you're with Gena and I..." He interrupted me.

"I'm leaving Gena." Zack told me. "Or she's going to leave me once I tell her everything. But either way, it's going to happen."

"You're leaving Gena?" I repeated and he nodded. "For me?"

He didn't answer immediately. "No," he said finally. "This is what's best for me and Gena. You just kind of helped me realize that."

Before I knew what I was doing I was embracing him. I shoved my face in his chest and half exclaimed, half sobbed, "I thought you hated me! I thought I was going to lose you!"

Zack squeezed me tight and pressed his lips to the top of my head as he ran his hand through my hair. "I could never hate you."

I stood there, hugging him and taking in his cologne for what seemed like hours. Zack loved me. And I loved him. If you would have told me this was going to be my life a year from now I would have told you that you were crazy. Honestly, if you would have told me this was how things were going to be two weeks ago I would have told you that you were crazy.

I pulled away from Zack. "What now?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. I really, really want to kiss you again but I can't do that to Gena. Not again."

"No, I know." I told him. "I feel awful about that."

"As soon as she comes back, I'm going to tell her things aren't working out. I'm going to be completely honest with her, Beks. She deserves it." He told me. I nodded. "And then I want to take you out on a date."

"A date?" I asked, raising my brow. "Don't you want to wait a little while before jumping into something with me?"

Zack shook his head. "No, I've waited since elementary school. I'm good on the waiting part."

Notes