‘Dance across the seasons
To a place that no one knows
Where angels fear to tread.’

Brian’s eyes were closing after the long waiting on the car. The street went very dark and his car was barely the only one parked in there. It seemed like a dangerous street. Even if she would refuse to talk to him, she would at least have to accept his lift home. He could never let her walk alone there.

When the restaurant lights went out, the staff begun to leave. And when he thought he had missed her, she was the last one to get out, watching both sides of the street a little alarmed.
Brian thought he would have to follow her with the car but then she crossed the street right in front of him and glanced at him through the front window, shaking her head.

“It’s not yours, if that’s what you’re worried about…” he knew she was kind of mocking him but he was actually a little disappointed to finally know the truth from her lips. Deep inside, he wished it was his.

He didn’t answer. He hated her way of saying that.

“I’m not gonna let you walk around these dark streets alone. Can I drive you home at least?” he spoke to her when she stopped by his window.

“You’re waiting here since… 1 pm?” she was perplexed.

“Yes. I couldn’t risk to let you run away again.” he glanced deep inside her eyes when he said that and she promptly slipped away. “Look… I didn’t come here to push you against the wall or force you to come back if you don’t want to. I’m just here to talk.”

She brushed her hair back with a little desperation burning in her eyes as she looked around but never to him. She shook her head again and closed her eyes before finally setting them back to his, like she was almost forcing herself to accept.

“Okay…”

Brian stepped out of the car and opened the passenger door to her. She hesitated a little but finally went inside.

They drove in silence except for the times she was telling him the way to her apartment, which wasn’t so far away. After he parked in front of her building, she faced him.

“Do you wanna go inside? I can make you a coffee or something…”

“Yeah, sure.”

She was finally letting her guards down to him again. He grabbed the box he had brought with him and went out of the car.

When they stepped inside her apartment, he instantly noticed it was very small and old. Probably what her salary could pay. But as soon as he turned his head to the dining table, there it was, something that froze his insides for a long moment.

A bottle of vodka standing right in the middle of it.

And she noticed his surprise.

“Don’t worry, it’s untouched.”

Emily placed the water to boil and sat in that same table. Brian still couldn’t move from the door. His shock still hasn’t gone away.

“C’mon, I don’t bite, only if you want me to. You can sit.” Her lips built that beautiful half-smile of hers and he couldn’t help but snort a laugh at his own remark stolen by her.

He could finally breath again. Took his jacket off, placed the box on one of the chairs and sat in front of her. Between them, only the bottle.

“Why… why would you keep a closed bottle of vodka in your table? I tried hard but I can’t find a good explanation to this.”

She shrugged.

“I leave it there just to be sure. Cause if… if all of this becomes too much to handle, it reminds me I still have a way out.”

“You mean… end your life?”

“Yes.”

He could only shake his head and feel very sorry for her. He was right. She was as depressed and ruined as they all were. Even more, Brian would say.

“I bet it’s not the only thing you keep here as your way out. Right?” her eyes dropped quickly. “Where is it?”

Her face contracted and her eyes closed like she was in pain. She had a flashback of that night when she was looking for Jimmy’s stash after she caught him shooting. She asked him with that same tone Brian was asking now.

“Where is it, Emily?” his brows moved together, showing all his concern. She hated that memory so she would just spill it.

“Bottom drawer in the kitchen.”

He promptly stood up and went for that drawer, finding the syringe and four heroine doses. He shook his head again, grabbed the stuff and went straight to the sink, where he tossed it all away. He went back, grabbed the bottle with his eyes always stuck on hers and took it to the kitchen sink to pour it down the drain.

She couldn’t believe that after all those months, he still was the only person in the world who knew her that well.

“Are you done saving me?” she mocked when he sat back on the table facing her.

“I’ll save you as many times as you need. You wanting or not.” His charming but serious traits made her speechless this time. Her insides shook as powerfuly as the first time she fell in love.
She still loved him as deeply as ever.

“So… what brings you here, on the other side of US, besides saving me?”

He didn’t pronounce a word for a few seconds. Thinking if that was really the right time to give her that stuff. But his flight back would leave early in the morning. He couldn’t lose time now.

“I came to bring you this.” He finally got the box under his jacket and placed it on top of the table, pushing it towards her direction.

She frowned a little and kept trading glances between Brian’s enigmatic eyes and the mysterious box in front of her.

“Go ahead, open it.”

When she did it reluctantly, she kept staring at those things trying to understand what that meant.

“What… what is all of this?”

Brian pulled the keys out of the box first and showed one of them to her.

“Here’s the keys of his house. He left it in your name.” then he picked up the other key. She knew from what that belonged to. “And here’s his Impala’s key. He left it to you either.”

Her eyes were swimming quickly through the things as her thoughts got lost. She couldn’t focus although she knew what was all of that. She couldn’t understand why Brian chose to do that now. And when she asked herself why Jimmy would leave all of that to her, she remembered that day they heard him talking to that lawyer in the studio. Now she understood that squeeze in her heart and why he chose to talk to the lawyer alone. He had it all planned out. Hadn’t he?

“He asked our lawyer to keep this paper and deliver it to you if something happen to him. Don’t worry, I didn’t open.” Brian showed her the sheet and she took a while to reach it.

She stared at the paper in her hands for long seconds. But nothing in this world could make her open it. She felt numb and unprepared at the same time for whatever was written on it. Brian understood when she put the paper aside with tears forming in her eyes.

“And here’s…” when her watered eyes caught the little red box made of velvet, she didn’t need him to explain what that was.

“I know what that is.” After that sentence, her tears finally flowed down her cheeks.

That was the thing he hated the most. To see her like that. To put her through this. But he had to get rid of that burden too. They both had to close that chapter, even if it hurt too much or even if they knew it was a chapter that could never be totally surpassed. But he could tell it was too much for Emily right now.

She held the box and caressed it while her tears never ceased. And when she finally had the courage to open it, the water for the coffee was boiled.

---

As they both drank the coffee, she stared at the engagement ring Jimmy never delivered to her. So simple and beautiful exactly as she would want it. Jimmy definitely knew her taste. But Jimmy didn’t know the way to her heart.

Why did he change his mind that night? Why didn’t he propose to me?

It would forever remain a mystery to her. A very painful mystery.

“Do you think he… did it on purpose? I mean, it happened just after we…”

“No, Emily, I don’t think that. He would never do that to you. He loved you too much. Mei told us his phone line was off when she found him. He was trying to call someone to ask for help. He didn’t wanna die.”

“What if he just… didn’t wanna be reached and pulled the phone off?”

He didn’t say anything to that.

She looked at the piece of paper still unraveled and with those assured words from Brian, she opened it slowly.

It wasn’t exactly a letter. The sentences were divided in verses. And when she begun to read the song, she felt Susan kicking hard. Her tears blurred her vision to the point she couldn’t read or see anything in front of her.

‘Gave you all I had to give
Found a place for me to rest my head
While I may be hard to find
Heard there's peace just on the other side’

She was blaming him all this time for never leaving anything to her, not even a note or a goodbye letter. And now she finally had it in her hands. His unique way of saying goodbye to her was through a song. And it hurt so goddamn much.

‘Left this life to set me free
Took a piece of you inside of me
All this hurt can finally fade
Promise me you'll never feel afraid’

How can I promise you that? How am I supposed to do this alone now, Jimmy?

Her sobs were very audible and her hand was trembling holding the paper where she let some tears pour down.

‘So tell everybody
The ones who walk beside me
I know you'll find your own way
When I'm not with you tonight’

Why was he so sure I can find my way now? I’m completely lost.

Desperation was taking over her.

“I was… I was supposed to tell him I was pregnant when he broke up with me. I should’ve… I should’ve told him despite of it!” She stood up and walked from one side to another nervously. “Things would be different now! He would still be here! He… would still be alive!!” she barely even noticed, but her hands were closed in fists, so strongly that the paper with the song was being crushed. When she realized her act, she let it fall in the table.

“You don’t know that. It would happen sooner or later since he wasn’t willing to give up his lifestyle for his health.” Brian was trying to bring some sense back to her. But her pain and guilt was taking over her thoughts.

“We should’ve done something, Brian…” she stopped right in front of him with arms opened wide and their eyes traded a long deep and meaningful glance.

“We did all we could…” his voice disappeared, he only whispered while he stood up and brought her to his arms. “Come here… shh… It’s not good for you to dwell on the past like this. Your baby needs you healthy and happy.” He held her tight against his chest, caressing her hair, as her body quivered with sobs in his arms.

“I don’t think I can do this alone, Brian. I can’t… I can’t raise a child alone.” She looked up at him, her weary glare showing him how bad she wanted to give up.

“You’ll never be alone if it depends on me.”

She stared at his lips so close to hers. Those noble and caring words made her realize she was thinking she was alone, she was forcing herself to be alone, but she wasn’t anymore. She didn’t have to be.

“I’m sorry I left you that way, I… I had no idea what I was doing, I couldn’t think straight. I regret I did that everyday. You needed me there, I needed you and… I just ran away with my cowardice.” She caressed his chest with her left hand and rested her head where she could listen to his heartbeat.

That sound meant everything to her. He was still there. He was plainly alive.

“It’s not important now. I found you. And I’m not planning to let you go that easily again.”

And he still loved her.

With closed eyes, she searched the way to his lips all the way up on his neck. His cologne made her heart beat faster. And when her lips parted for just an inch, he took her into a slow and inviting kiss, so they could show each other what they truly felt. There was no use for words.

“We’re gonna go through this, Em. Together. Please, just come back home with me.”

She went back to rest on his chest after shaking her head.

“No, I can never go back there again, Bri. Your friends, his family, they all hate me. How could I ever look into their eyes again?”

“They know you were trying to help him now. They didn’t know much about that before. No one hates you, Emily. Everyone will be so glad to know you…” he looked down to her belly and felt that little sting of jealousy again, but happiness prevailed. “…you have a piece of him growing inside you and soon enough, running around us crazily.”

“I don’t want anything, Brian. I don’t want money, I don’t want them to worry about me, I can get by on my own. I don’t want his car or his house either, you can just take it all back to his parents.”

“They gave them to me to bring them to you. He left you that and a great portion of his money on a bank account in your name. But you gotta go there and sign some papers first.”

“I told you, I can’t go back. I won’t go back there. I’m staying here. I don’t want anything… I just…” she was holding her tears again.

“It’s what he wanted, Em. Don’t refuse it.”

She was silent to that. And after they grew apart from their long lasting hug, they sat back on the table.

She looked at the song again, observing Jimmy’s handwriting and every detail the paper held. By the end of the song, there was a footnote that she hadn’t seen before. It was erased, it could be just a draft, but somehow it caught her attention. She cleaned her eyes as she could and brought the paper closer.

It’s not your fault.

Somehow, her heart could breathe again. Even if it was just for a little while.

---

“Is Kim coming with us?” Jess asked Mei when they were making their way to the tattoo studio.

“Yeah, I called her, she’s at Matt’s of course. She never gets out of there anymore. I wonder when she will tell me she’s moving in with him.” Mei rolled her eyes with a smirk. She knew Kim wanted to be there for her and take care of her on those last difficult months of grieving. But she also knew Kim needed to live her own life now.

“They’re pretty serious, huh?” Jess raised one eyebrow.

“Yeah. I’m so glad they worked things out after Val left. If Matt wouldn’t have called her again, I don’t think she would’ve called him ever again.”

“Her pride, right?” they both chuckled.

“Yeah, that one!” Mei noticed the CD Jess was holding in her hands and pointed at it. “Hey, what’s that in your hand?”

“Oh… you’ll see what it is when it’s my turn to sit on the table.” Jess winked at her and she shook her head to all that suspense.

Jess didn’t wanna tell them her tattoo idea so far. She only told them it was something that she was planning to do with Jimmy. But he never had the chance to reply her voicemail. She doesn’t even know if he even listened to it. She would never know.

When they arrived at the studio, Kim was there waiting with Matt, Zack and Johnny, for their surprise.

“What…” Mei was about to ask when Kim took her glasses off and shrugged.

“I told Matt your idea, and he told the guys. They all want to make a tattoo of Jimmy. So I thought we should all do it together.”

Everyone nodded in agreement to each other and they went inside the studio. It would be a busy day for the tattooers.

“And you Kim, did you figure out what you want?” Jess asked her while they were waiting.

“Nope. But something came up to my mind, this morning, in the shower.” She glanced at Matt quickly with a smirk and then back at her friends. “Maybe I should just… draw a horse.”

Jess and Mei traded glances, frowning and a little confused. Then Mei changed her glare, with eyes wide open, like having an insight. Jess was next, and now they were both with eyes and mouth wide open while Kim was chuckling discreetly.

“No…” Mei let out, amazed.

“Is it… is it true?” Jess questioned, as stunned.

Kim looked to both sides with cheeks flushed before bringing them closer to her like she was about to tell the big secret. And she was.

“As true and real as the ground we are stepping in.” the girls shook their head, in a mixed of disbelief with amusement.

“Hey, where’s Brian anyway? He’s not coming?” Johnny shouted out, interrupting the girls’ elation.

Zack faced the ground while everyone else traded looks. It was pretty evident he knew something. And Jess noticed his behavior right away.

“Zack? Did you call him?” Jess asked.

“Yes, I did. And…” he breathed deeply. “He’s in Georgia.” Staring deep inside Jess’ eyes, he pronounced the state name.

Everyone frowned at the sudden info but Jess, who shook her head with surprise.

“How did he…” Jess whispered.

“What? Wait a minute, why the hell is he there?” Matt threw the question with that loud voice.

“Don’t, Zack. Please.” Jess tried but he was too hurt to care. He couldn’t believe she hid it all this time from him.

“He went after Emily.” They were all surprised again. But Matt.

“Oh God, that Mexican novel again… “ Matt grumbled and Kim, now seating by his side, elbowed him.

Jess kept shaking her head to her fiancée. Begging him not to tell them the whole information. And with that Zack kept his mouth shut. He was mad at Jess but he wouldn’t go that far.

“Who’s the first to get in?” someone called out from the door and Jess was bravely the one to stand up and walk there. Zack promptly stood up after her but she held Mei’s hand, pulling her up too.

“Jess… you know you can’t handle it! Why do you insist on it?”

“I need to do this, Zack!”

“So I’m going inside with you.”

“No! I’m choosing Mei to go with me this time.” She pulled her friend’s hand and dragged her to the woman waiting for them.

“But…”

“I’ll be back in a while, blueberry. Don’t worry.” She winked at him and disappeared inside the room. Mei mouthed a ‘I’m sorry’ as she was dragged.

“So… Jessica, what’s it gonna be?” the tattooer smiled at her.

“It’s Jess and… I wanna write the last sentence of this song exactly as it is written in the CD here.” Jess showed the woman her Led Zeppelin IV, her very favorite song from her very favorite album ever. Stairway To Heaven.



“Oh! That is a good one! Where would it be?”

“I wanna write ‘To be a Rock…’ in one wrist and ‘…and not to Roll’ in the other with the same font as it is in there, exactly in the place to…” she glanced at Mei quickly and smiled. “…to cover my scars. I need a reminder to never try that again.”

The tattooer checked her wrists skin to see if it was healed enough and when she agreed it was, she begun to draw the sketch.

“I love your idea, J.”

“I wanted to tell Jimmy about it, and discuss how valuable is life with him but I didn’t get the chance.” Jess pursed her lips and Mei caressed her shoulder.

“Yeah… I know what’s like…” they both felt the heavy air again but before it could get too bad, Mei remembered she didn’t tell something to her friends. “Did I tell you that… Jimmy kissed me?”

“What??? No!!! He did???”

And that’s how they chatted through the whole tattoo session. Remembering good things about Jimmy. And Jess never felt a thing, miraculously.

Mei was next to have her tattoo done. She wrote the sentence down in a paper and the tattooer quickly drew the design as she wanted it.


When Mei’s tattoo was almost ready, Zack came rushing inside the room, concern stamped all over his face.

“Why are you taking so long? Is everything okay? Are you okay, babe?”

Jess laughed, showing her wrists in a wave to him.

“You’re done!”

“Yes, and not a single drop of pain on me this time. Guess I’m caloused from pain afterall…” she half smiled and he held her tight in his arms. He knew what she meant by that. They suffered enough through this last year.

“Yeah, I guess we are…” he whispered in her ear and caressed her hair, as intense as the first time they hugged.

Mei smiled at them as the motor noise rang in her ear and she felt the little burn on her back. Then she looked away, sad. Remembering why she didn’t have what they have.

“Babe… you found out about Emily somehow and…”

“Yeah, I’m sorry… I saw the picture she sent you that other day and I had to tell him. He’s my friend, Jay. I had to do something.”

Jess pursed her lips.

“I understand you… I hid it from you for the same reasons you told him. She needed space. But maybe is a good thing he’s going after her. She’s alone in there. And I don’t think she’s going well without us. I’m actually pretty worried.”

“He’s probably convincing her to come back. After the baby is born, of course.”

“I hope so. Cause Jimmy’s parents have the right to know their granddaughter, she knows that.”

Mei heard their chat and somehow it saddened her. She knew Emily and Jimmy were deeply connected. But now, with a daughter, that connection was forever. And all she had was… that tattoo and the kiss. She would have to learn how to live with that.

“What will be your draw?” Jess asked him and his eyes dropped.

“Brian and I had this idea so I’m gonna wait for him to make that one.” he half smiled.

“Okay, we are done here!” the woman announced and Mei stood up from the gurney to walk towards her mirror. And she couldn’t be more satisfied.

“Wow Mei!! It’s awesome!!”

“Yeah, I don’t think anyone will have that one…” Zack spoke with sad words and Kim came in to be the next.

“You abandoned me again but it’s okay, I was busy with my man screaming in pain in the other room. You just need to entertain me here while I make my little horse, ok?”

Zack frowned and the girls laughed.

“Horse? Why?” Zack questioned and the girls laughed even more.

“It’s a looong, long story, my dear Zacky V.” Kim answered for them as they giggled and sat on the gurney, trying to figure out where to place her tattoo.

After their session was done, they all went out to celebrate their new ink. They were laughing again with all the stories they were sharing. And most important of all, they finally felt like a family again. Even when a very important member would always be missing.

Notes

nana... not the end yet my dears!! hahahaha

Part 3 to come ;)

Yeah, I told you it was gonna be long! So bear with me! =p

What do you think so far??
Jess tattoo means a lot to me. Planning to make that one this year still ;)

Love yaa <3