Woke up in a jolt. It didn’t take long until I felt my stomach churn and the whole room spinning around me quickly. I never felt that dizzy and sick before, not even after those crazy drinking nights in the beginning of the band. It was probably the heroine I tried for the first time.

I was just looking for one thing. I just needed her. Then it would be okay. I would feel better.
But the only thing that remained from her was her scent. All over my bed and my pillow, all over me. All over my heart.

Part of me hoped she was in the kitchen, making us breakfast. Maybe taking a shower in my bathroom. But the whole house was dead silent for someone to be there besides me.
She left. When I needed her the most. When we needed each other the most.

I turned to her empty side on the bed and brushed my hand in the sheets, trying to have the feeling of her skin in my fingertips. But it wasn’t warm like her. It wasn’t soft like her. Fuck… what am I doing…

When I let my nose fall in her pillow, I noticed a paper on top of my nightstand, under my cellphone. I promptly grabbed it and it had my name on it. With her handwrite.

You saved me again. Thank you so much. But you remind me of him.
Everybody I love, dies. So please, don’t try to find me.
Good-Bye

I read it a hundred times until those words could get into my brain. But they weren't. Not this time.
I refused to understand it and to accept it.

I was staggering a little but getting better when I grabbed my clothes and rushed out straight to Zack’s house.

I had to stop her.

---

“Mei?!” Kim knocked on her bedroom door not so loudly. Maybe she was still asleep and the last thing she wanted was to wake her up after she spent the entire night awake, without being able to sleep. “I made us a sandwich. Are you awake?”

There was no response. Not because Mei was sleeping. But because she didn’t want to answer. She didn’t have the strength on her chords to speak. She couldn’t get up from her bed for hours. She just wanted to be left alone.

She wanted her mind to leave her alone.

But that wasn’t as easy as was to fool Kim pretending she was sleeping. It was impossible not to keep replaying all the moments she had with Jimmy, all the signs he’d given and she was blaming herself she didn’t get but most of all, why she didn’t go there earlier. Maybe she could’ve prevented this. Maybe she could’ve really saved him.

Maybe she could be hanging around with him while he showed her the city by now, as he promised he would. Maybe they could be kissing. Maybe she would be confessing her secret love for him.

But those fictional images only happen inside her mind now, to torture her. They can no longer be true.

The taste of his mouth when he wasn’t answering her that night was prevailing over the taste when he kissed her. His pale, lifeless form was more evident in her head than the sound of his voice and his contagious laughter. All the good times were momentarily forgotten to give place to those brutal minutes she spent trying to resuscitate him with no success. And she had no idea when that would stop.

She had no idea when she would be able to breathe properly again. When she would be able to step out of her room without starting to cry.

Would she be able to overcome this? Would she be able to… live a normal life again?
The only possible answer that appeared on her mind was not right now.

Kim left her friend’s bedroom door and ate her sandwich alone, facing the other plate, with the untouched one. She couldn’t think of more words to say to her, she had said everything she could, every word of consolation she had on her extended vocabulary. But words couldn’t erase the pain. And couldn’t bring Jimmy back.

She began to question why no one was cogitating whether this was all an accident or he… he had tried to end his life on purpose. He didn’t leave a letter or a message or anything that she know of. Would he feel that unloved to decide to leave without even thinking about how many people he would hurt?

She’d rather think it was an accident. As the medical report said. But they would never know, would they?

Her eyes moved to the telephone when she finished her food. She hadn’t spoken to Matt since that day when he promised he would talk to Val before they could get together. And as she heard from Jess, she was there on the service, hugging him and comforting him as she never could. She was busy doing that to her friend instead. And she would never ask to change anything on that scenario. But she couldn’t decide whether she should call him or not.

What if she picks up? What if… he just tell her he’s back with Val? What if she lost him at the moment she didn’t show up on the day he needed her the most? Well if he’s not capable of understanding that her friend needed her more, he’s not really the right guy for her. Only his muscles were. – she had to giggle silently at that thought.

She placed Mei’s sandwich on the microwave and went to get ready for work, without calling Matt. She had to go on with her life now, as hard as it felt like.

---

My hand was spanking Zack’s door impatiently until I heard the keys noise.

“Where’s she? Where’s Emily?” Jess showed up at the door with wide eyes at me and I didn’t wait any longer to go inside and search everywhere in the house.

“Sorry Brian… she picked up her stuff two hours ago. She didn’t say where she was going as much as I insisted. And there was nothing I could say to make her stay this time… You know how stubborn she is. We can’t stop her from doing what she thinks it’s right.”

“Right?? You think running away from all the people who…” I shook my head and blew air violently. I couldn’t lose time arguing here. “Do you think she went to Hawaii alone?”

“No, I don’t think so. It was the last place she would go now. She said everything here reminds her of Jimmy. She had to move on.” She shrugged, looking very disappointed.

“I’m gonna go the airport, check if she’s got that Hawaii flight just in case. If she’s not there then… then she could’ve gone to anywhere else…” I walked away and left the house as quickly as I entered and closed my eyes when I remembered. I didn’t even ask about my friend… “How’s Zack doing?”

“He doesn’t really wanna get out of bed and he’s not talking to me… I’m worried about him…”

“He needs some time, Jess. He’ll be okay.” I got inside my car and turn on the engines as I spoke, very rushed.

“How are you?” she asked and I was about to press the gas pedal when I set my sunglasses on and shrugged, shaking my head.

“I just need to find her.” I gasped those words, looking at her and she stepped back.

“Bring her back, okay?” she said one last thing and I drove away.

It was starting to rain.

And I was beginning to think I was too late. As always…

---

As the cab drove away to the airport, my gaze was lost in the rain drops outside. It was a very cold morning that one, untypical for a day in California. But that was the only thing untypical about this whole thing, wasn’t it?

Here I am again. Running away from my mistakes. And from the people I love.

Like I left New York once, I’m leaving the place I thought I could call home. But how could I stay after… after everything? How could I face everybody? How could I… face Brian again? How could I tell them now?

And I could never stay knowing how guilty I was for not telling Jimmy the truth when I had the chance…

I had to hide the box behind my back as soon as Jess came rushing through the door on the room I was staying at Zack’s place. She caught me by surprise, I thought she was out with Zack.

“We went there and… he didn’t answer the door. I guess he wasn’t home…”Jess shrugged and crossed her arms, looking sadder and concerned with Jimmy.

“Yeah, it’s probably… it.” I gave a few steps back, to try to find a place to toss it away from my hands but then she frowned at me. Damn it, she noticed it.

“Hey, what are you hiding in there?” she walked further and I gave the same number of steps back.

“It’s… it’s nothing, Jess. Really.” My cheeks reddened, I felt it, and there it goes my lie.

“C’mon, Emily… you know you can trust me.”

I pursed my lips and we stared at each other for a few seconds as I decided what to do. Yeah, she’s my best friend. I had to trust her.

“Well it’s a…” I brought my hands to her sight and her eyes widened a little when she saw what it was. I even saw the beginning of a smile rising on her lips. “…yeah, a pregnancy test.”

“Oh god, how long have you…?” she was very surprised and excited at the same time.

“It’s just a suspicion. I thought I was still having problems with my period because of the drugs and I was even thinking about going back to the pill but… I’ve been having morning sickness for almost a month now. It’s… I don’t know, it’s the worst time possible for this, isn’t it?” I brushed my face and shook my head.

I didn’t know what to think or what to feel about this. On one side, I bet Jimmy would be happy about it and this could make him start thinking about quitting again. On the other side, he would just be too stubborn to quit and I would have to raise a child by myself, cause I could never stay with him that way. Every girl’s dream.

“It’s the best time possible, Ems! Can’t you see? A baby can change his mind, Emily! You gotta tell him!”

“You don’t know that…” I grumbled and let my body fall on the bed, exhausted as I always was lately. “Besides… I don’t even know for sure yet so… let’s not rush anything.”

“What are you waiting for to know it for sure?!” she stretched her arms in my direction and before I could grab it and stand up again, I took a deep brave breathe and locked myself in the bathroom with the test in hands.

When it showed me the result, deep inside I knew it already. I had a part of him inside of me for a while now. Too important part to hide from him now.

I need to tell him. And it’s gonna be tonight.

I went out of the bathroom with a serious face and Jess was very apprehensive. Then I couldn’t hold my stupid smile when I caught her eyes. Her grin didn’t even fit her frame. And she came to hug me with all the love and care she has for me.

“Aww babe, I’m so happy for you.” She spoke into my ear as we hugged and I was almost out of breath when she finally let me go. “So… you’re going there, right? To tell him? Tonight?”

“Yeah… It’s the only card I have in my sleeve this time. Do you really think it’s…”

“I do! Just tell him. It’ll change everything, Ems. Believe me!”

I nodded with a half-smile and…

Yeah, I know. I should’ve listened to her. And I didn’t. And that’s it. I didn’t tell him because I wanted him to quit for himself. I wanted him to keep trying for himself. I didn’t want to use our baby as an excuse for us to be together. But he had made up his mind about me as I found out that night. He thought he was setting me free but I was forever connected to him. And that is completely my fault.

My biggest egoistic mistake.

I can never forgive myself for that. That shame would never go away. And that’s why I can never go back to Huntington Beach. And I can never see neither of them again.

So I just left Brian’s house as soon as possible with my heart aching, left him a note, took my stuff from Zack’s place as Jess tried to talk me out of it and decided. I was going to a place they would never find me.

I traded the Hawaii tickets for another one to another place and lost a lot of money, but I didn’t care. I just had to get out of California.

Pick up the pieces. And start over with what’s left of me. And with what’s left of him inside of me.

---

Sat on those airport chairs, defeated.

Facing the planes leaving and landing for several hours. Not really knowing what was next.
Feeling as alone as I never thought I would feel in my life.

She wasn’t in that plane. And they couldn’t tell me where she was. If she was here.

She really left. And took my broken heart away.

---

As I watched the plane leave the ground, pass through the gray clouds and finally reach the blue sky, I hoped and prayed, as I never prayed before, for one thing. That she would have the exact same blue oceans as her eyes, comforting and magical as they always were to me when I looked into her father’s ones.

Susan will have your eyes, babe.

---

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Notes

Waaai, wait, before you hit me, let me tell you there's still an epilogue to come ;)

When that will come?? I don't know for sure but I'll try my best to write it as soon as possible. It might be longer than other chapters but it's a close up, it need to have all the lose ends tied, so... longer =p

It was a long ride, two years!! But it had to end. And right now is the perfect time to do that ;)
Thank you so much for sticking around and commenting. For those of you who didn't show yourselves, make an appearence now just to tell me your last impressions. How do you like the twist in the end? And thank you anyway! ;)

Will write my final considerations in the end of the next chapter!
Don't give up yet =p
Love yaa <3