‘These mist-covered mountains
Are a home now for me
But my home is the lowlands
And always will be
Some day you'll return to
Your valleys and your farms
And you'll no longer burn
To be brothers in arms’

Remember that voice, Emily?

That voice in your head you had to tear down several times in your life? And it was always born again out of the ashes every time? Yeah, that one you thought you had smothered for good in the ashtrays of your mind when you last stuck a needle in your arm. Exactly that one.

It’s back, isn’t it?

At the moment she heard how he was found in his locked room by one of Jess’ friends minutes after they had shared their very last conversation, it clicked.

She was the one to blame for this. She was the one to blame for not telling him what he needed and had the right to know. And now he would never know, would he? Maybe she could’ve saved his life this time. Maybe that was the only shot she had of winning the fight over him. And even so… she made that decision that changed everything.

The wrong one.

You know I would be back sooner or later, right? You can’t kill a part of you. I will always be here, Emily.

That weight. She would have to deal with it and carry it for the rest of her life. That was the most expensive price to pay for all her mistakes. That was her karma.

Always. And Jimmy won’t.

“Emily? Are you alright? Wanna go back? You don’t need to do this.” Brian’s sweet and worried voice travelled through her thoughts and prevailed over them thankfully. She blinked a few times and she was fully aware of where she was now.

She was dressed in black, standing in front of Jimmy’s parents’ house, replaying her last talk with him several times and her feet wouldn’t move anymore. She wasn’t ready to face all of them. She wasn't ready to see him for the last time.

But she had to.

“No, I’m fine. Really.” She took a deep but shaky breath and nodded. Brian noticed how pale she looked and how terrified she was of entering the wake. He knew it was a bad idea but she insisted on coming.

When she could finally walk again, they crossed the front door after Matt opened it. He only greeted Brian with a silent hey man. He didn’t even look at Emily. It was stamped on his face what he thought about her. She didn’t need to look into his eyes to feel the coldness and the accusation tone he would always treat her from now on.

They both walked through the room and Emily was relieved when she noticed she wasn't really the center of attention when she arrived. Everyone kept talking and only some people looked when they crossed the door to the living room. Jess and Zack were those people.

They hugged each other, tightly, and Jess held Emily a lot longer than she was expecting on her arms. She seemed very worried with her friend.

“How are you holding on, babe?”

Emily shrugged. “I’m… I’m hanging in there.” Then she nodded and diverted her eyes, trying not to make Jess even more concerned. “Where are your friends? Mei? I don’t see them around.”

“She… couldn’t come. She’s pretty bad. Kim stayed with her in case she needs anything.” Jess’ eyes saddened and Emily nodded, understanding how Mei was probably feeling now.

How hard it must’ve been to find him…

Zack looked like crap. Worse than anyone else.

“We… went there yesterday. To his house. And he wasn’t there… I never thought I… wouldn’t have another chance to…” Zack gulped his tears, setting his palm on his mouth, but he couldn’t help it. The tears were filling his eyes against his will.

“He would probably yell at you, man. Like he did to all of us. You know the last conversation I had with him? He said I wasn’t even close of a friend for him anymore and he threw me out of his house…” Brian pursed his lips, angry but at the same time feeling as guilty as he never felt before. He also didn’t have the chance to make things right with his best friend. And that was burning all his insides.

“Even so… you guys were trying to… to bring him back and I didn’t do anything. I thought he was okay. I failed as a friend, Brian.” Zack’s eyes were lost in the ground now. Jess was worried about him too after hearing those words.

“We all failed, man…” Brian tapped his shoulder giving his best comforting gaze to him and walked away with Emily.

But it didn’t comfort him at all. Not even Jess’ closeness and loving arms were working this time.

“Those are his favorite uncle and aunt. And those two are his sisters, Kelly and Katie.” Brian was walking through the place and pointing discreetly at Jimmy’s family members to Emily.

“I… I never had the chance to know his family before…” she shook her head and the disappointment with herself was getting bigger at each step through the house.

Matt was in a corner, his black aviators on, with the twins around him. Val had one arm around him, caressing his back. Michelle just crossed her arms when she gazed at the two people that walked out on her last night and left their eyes quickly. Brian felt it like a break up glance.

But Emily never thought her disappointment would get that bigger when she caught a glimpse of the look on Jimmy’s mom’s eyes when she found hers.

“What is she doing here?” Barbara asked to her husband, outraged and Emily felt like trash.

“Look, I don’t want trouble. I just came to say goodbye and then I’ll go.” Emily tried to sound as soft and polite as possible but she knew the chance of her presence being accepted there was none.

Barbara was standing right in front of Jimmy’s coffin, as if she was a shield protecting her son from the enemy. Emily. And she laughed ironically at Emily’s words.

“You came to say goodbye, huh? How noble of you! And I see you brought your friend…” she pointed her hurt eyes at Brian and he averted, ashamed. “He wasn’t talking to us because of YOU. I didn’t even know what was happening to my son… because of you. And he’s lying in that…” her voice cracked and she had to breathe again “…because of you. So…” her rather painful grimace mixed with a lot of loathe towards Emily scarred that scene and her words permanently on her mind. “It’s very clear to me you’re not welcome here.”

Jimmy’s father held her back and tried to calm her down muttering something but she ran from his arms and walked closer to Emily, who was still static, only feeling the warm rivers of tears climbing down her cheeks.

And she whispered facing her deeply. “Get out!” It sounded like a scream on Emily’s ears.

“Please, I just… I just need to say goodbye.” She could’ve kneeled to her and begged. That was how her supplication sounded like. And Barbara never blinked once, never showed any signs she would back out and let her get near her son again. Even if it was too late to bring him back.

Emily held the crucifix necklace Jimmy once had given her on the night they met on her pocket and felt her heart squeezing painfully. She needed to give this back to him. It belonged to him. She couldn’t leave without having the chance to say goodbye and say… she was sorry for everything. Just one last time.

“Get. Out!” Barbara raised her tone at enough volume to make everyone stop their chats and look at the two women standing face to face.

Only Emily’s desperate sobs were heard echoing through the room now as all the people around watched, confused.

“Okay… that’s enough… C’mon, Emily, let’s go.” Brian stepped in between them and held Emily back carefully, trying to take her out of the room.

But she seemed lost in her track. So desperate to even confront the cruelty she was being treated with. Her sadness had reached the unbearable point. She was being forbidden of the only thing she needed to try to have some peace of mind. The last piece of her broken heart that survived through this was now dying slowly as she tried to fight Brian’s hand off of her.

“I need to… Brian… please… tell her I need to do this. I need to talk to him, to say goodbye… just one last time. Please…” everyone was still hearing her beg and fight against Brian’s chest, completely hopeless and almost out of her mind, but no one dared to do or say anything. They had to respect Barbara’s wish, they were inside her house after all.

Jess couldn’t hold her tears watching her friend falling apart at the seams like that.

“Shh… Let’s go…” he held her tight against him and against her will. And finally was able to make her walk outside, with a huge struggle.

When they reached the front porch, instead of letting herself cry on Brian’s arms and get some relief, she pushed him away with all her strength, getting rid of his arms promptly.

“LET ME GO!”

He frowned at her harshness. And when he caught her teary eyes, he saw that exact same fire that was burning him torturously and painfully on her gaze. It was blinding her. It was destroying her just as it was destroying him.

“Just give this to him, please…” she grabbed the crucifix out of her pocket and delivered it to Brian.

“Em…” he tried to hold her wrist but she pulled her hand violently away.

She shook her head as her face traits contracted in pain and ran away without saying a word more.

“Emily, I’m sorry for this…c’mon… don’t… don’t go. Come back here!”

He tried to go after her but he stopped half way. He knew he couldn’t stop her from doing what she wanted to do. And just watched her go.

When Jess arrived outside to check on her friend, she only found a desolated Brian out there.

---

‘Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I've witnessed your suffering
As the battle raged high’

Every corner I looked at reminded me of him. Every inch of that darkening sky, clouds almost touching, in the verge of creating thunders everywhere. Every single detail about that neighborhood and that city had his smell, his hurt eyes staring at me. I’ve walked for endless hours, aimlessly, and even that simple act reminded me of how he used to wander around to clear his mind.

Something to clear my mind.

What I needed the most right now.

As I treaded to that dumpster alley some junkies called drug store, a very strong storm erupted from the enraged skies to maybe help me wash my soul. But I couldn’t really believe that one storm would do the trick this time.

It was a lot to wash out of me.

So I kept going, determined pace towards that damned place. The one I thought I would never have to come back again.

I bought two doses this time. Two syringes. It was an old habit to buy doubled, I guess, for me and him. I know I wouldn’t survive if I take it all. I had no resistance anymore. So I just hid myself in one of the cabins of Huntington Park and ended that five months sobriety illusion to give place to that marvelous and demonic feeling of floating on nothing at all with just one hit.

The absence of feeling was all that I wanted now. But I didn’t get that sensation this time. Though I couldn’t feel anything alive around me, I still felt his presence. It was like I… had just injected his essence within my veins.

I felt so close to him, even more than when we made love. His warmness was caressing me in a way no one ever did before. Suddenly I felt energized again, my soaked clothes were magically dry, and he was whispering something I couldn’t really understand at first in my ear.

I never wanted that feeling to end. Until the moment I realized what he was saying:

“Just let me go, Ems… Let me go.”

My skin was freezing again, out of the blue. I could feel the wet clothes gluing in my body.
God… where was that warmness? Where was he?

My whole body started shaking and my teeth chattering. I was coming back to my senses.

He’s not here, Emily. He’s gone. For good. You’re just high.

I held my legs against my chest to try to get warm again as I let the tears warm up my face.

“I need you back… please, it’s… it’s not fair…” I mumbled to myself. “God, it’s not fucking fair!!” this time it exploded out of my throat. It was a profound scream of my soul.

The storm was at its peak, I could hear it outside, when I turned my head and saw the other heroin dose along with the other syringe. My hands were itching to grab it and just do it. Just to hear him again. Just to feel him again. Just to let him come and take me with him.

But then I remembered…

I had a part of him inside of me.

Someone had to stop me. Someone that could take those thoughts out of my head.

I didn’t want Jimmy to take me. I wanted Brian to save me.

With contradictory thoughts rushing through my brain unstoppably, I grabbed the stuff, stuck in my pocket and ran back to the rain. I wasn’t really steady to run but I tried my best, leaning on the walls.

I just had to find him. I needed to erase his pain either. I owed it to him.
The long walk to his house ended and I saw the lights on inside. I knocked desperately and violently until he finally opened it, with those alarmed dark eyes staring at me.

‘And though they did hurt me so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms’

I didn’t wait for him to speak or ask anything. My mouth attacked his at the moment I set my arms around his body and jumped against him in a very impulsive act. I pushed him back inside the house and my foot slammed the door shut.

He tried to stop me and at the same time he was trying not to hurt me, but I couldn’t care less. I needed him as I never need before.

I dragged him towards his stairs and before we could start climbing it, he managed to pull out of me to breathe.

“What the…” then he caught my eyes deeply, holding my head still. And shook his head in disbelief. “You’re high…”

“Yeah.” I nodded quickly and went back to his lips roughly.

He could make me forget about everything. He needed to make me forget about this too.

“I need you to save me again.” I only stopped kissing him to mumble those words against his lips. “Please…”

He gazed right through my soul and when he let me see the pain in his eyes, I sensed he was giving in. He needed me too.

When a single tear flowed down from my eye, his breath quickened and he was the one to attack me this time, hungrily.

I jumped on his body and he carried me upstairs while we never stopped kissing crazily. He let me fall on his bed and lied on top of me harshly, locking my both arms on top of my head as he lowered his kisses to my soaked shirt and my hard nipples.

Before I noticed, he had ripped off my shirt and my bra. He stared at my naked forms for some time with so much passion but with so much pain either. Those tears that were forming in our eyes weren’t from pleasure this time. They were from deep sadness.

None of us were making noises. We wouldn’t be able to concentrate on what we were doing if it wasn’t for the dim light and the meaningful silence surrounding us.

As I helped him get rid of his now wet clothes thanks to me, I sat on top of him and tried to stop thinking about Jimmy as I contemplate his enigmatic face. It was an impossible task. Everything about Brian reminded me of Jimmy.

He let his hands slid down my navel to reach the buttons of my pants. When he moved his fingers to my back, he touched the stuff in my pocket. And faced me darkly and questioningly.

“Is this…?” he didn’t take the stuff out. He just kept his hand there.

“Yeah… wanna try it?” I didn’t know why I had that idea. I had no idea why it came out of my lips softly like that. But one thing I knew. It could make him feel better. For at least a few hours.
I could see his chest move faster. His grasp in my hips was tightening. Like he was trying not to surrender to his need. But his eyes were saying otherwise. His eyes were begging me to help him forget. And I had to help him, just as he always helped me.

“It will make you feel better. I promise.” I went to his ear, whispered it, and then back to his lips.

“Just once.” He whispered while I kissed his neck and caressed his hair. “For Jimmy.”

“Just once.” I answered back and kissed his cheek before I stood up and went after the things I needed to cook it.

I didn’t feel guilty about giving it to him this time, even though I begged him to stay away from it before. My rationality was a little blocked by my desperate need to have someone to share my pain and my pleasure either. Just like I used to do with Jimmy.

In that way, we’d have a little bit of Jimmy with us both tonight.

‘There's so many different worlds
So many different suns
And we have just one world
But we live in different ones’

I brought the syringe filled with the sacred venom back to the bed where he was lying, watching every move I made, and straddled him again. I leaned in his chest slowly, staring profoundly into his widened eyes, and tried to calm him down with my soft kiss.

He held me tightly against his skin, letting his fingers tread all over me as I lowered my kisses to his neck. Where I intended to replace my lips for the sting of the needle.

“Close your eyes. Relax.” Those soundless words in his ear made him tense his muscles under me but he did what I asked. Then I moved his head to the side with kisses on his neck again and when I saw the perfect vein standing out, I picked up the syringe and let it sink in his skin very slowly. “For Jimmy.”

He didn’t even flinch. Right then I knew he trusted me with his life. I pushed the plunger lingeringly and I felt him relax almost at the same time. He tried to fight the urge to close his eyes but he let it roll back with the euphoria. He moaned and gasped loudly. His mouth became ajar. And my whole body was pulsing in desire to witness that.

When I finished it, I tossed the needle away and placed my finger there for a while to not bleed out.

He was out for a while so I began to spread kisses all over his chest to make him feel the most of it. All the prickling and tingling sensations taking over his nerve endings. I let my fingers slide up and down his dick and he was promptly moaning again, getting harder at each move I made.

My lips went back to his and he was still very slow to respond to me when I whispered. “Can you feel it? How powerful it is? How can it easily take over you entirely and make you… simply forget?”

My hands never stopped moving on his length while I spoke and when I looked back at him, he had his eyes semi-opened and just nodded slowly at my questions, panting loudly now. He was coming back.

“It’s… it’s crazy… but good…” he moved his hands up to my body and as he caressed my skin, he finally reached my breasts and kneaded them like there was no tomorrow. “So…good… Like I rule the world...”

I enjoyed his touch for a while but I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed him inside me. I got rid of our both underwear and when I realized he was ready and awake enough to start the action, I let him sink on me with no rush, enjoying every inch of that skin to skin contact we didn’t have for such a long time.

My hips danced and thrusted on top of him as his hands guided me. When I started to feel that overwhelming heat in between my legs, I had to close my eyes. And every time I did that, I saw him. It was like he was watching us here.

It still felt like I was betraying him.

‘Now the sun's gone to hell
And the moon’s riding high
Let me bid you farewell
Every man has to die’

I opened my eyes abruptly and I came across to those deep brown eyes frowning at me, worried.

“Are you okay?” in a drawled whisper he asked.

He must’ve noticed my traits. And I couldn’t hide it anymore. Not even behind the heroine haze. It hurt too much.

This pleasure hurts too much. What was I thinking?

I didn’t answer him, I just let him pull me towards his chest and I kept moving, never wanting more this to end and at the same time to never let go of him.

He became quieter as he held me tight and used his fingers to brush my hair softly, like trying to show me everything would be okay. But then it was unbearable. I couldn’t prevent my tears to fall on his skin and my sobs to be heard when I felt I was getting close.

Everyone I love, dies. Everyone. Brian was surely the next one.

I craved my fingernails in his arm and went faster. C’mon, I knew he could make me forget. Why wasn’t it working this time? Why?

When I least expected, he pushed his body over me and we traded positions. Now I had no option but to stare at him while he thrusted harder and quicker. My tears were still flowing as he never moved his eyes out of mine. And when I locked my legs around him, I knew that would be the last thrust before I could hit the climax.

My mind finally had what it wanted, even if that lasted for just a few seconds of post-orgasm feeling. I closed my eyes and Jimmy's image was gone during those seconds. It was all peaceful and blank.

At the moment I opened my eyes again, I felt Brian letting go and his warm liquid flushing on me. And he was just waiting for that moment to fall apart in tears.

He felt that same guilt too.

‘But it's written in the starlight
And every line in your palm
We're fools to make war
On our brothers in arms’

We held each other for hours. We cried everything we had to cry that night. And eventually the sadness made us fall asleep.

Notes

You might know Brothers In Arms from Dire Straits as a war song. And yeah it is a war song. But when I speak about war, I can only talk about one kind of it, the one I know best, and it’s the internal war with yourself. This song could be about an internal fight too and that’s whyI used as the background of two very hurt people making love to forget their pain and their guilty. Hope I made sense... =p

The chapter title is inspired on this song: Chance of Rain – Linkin Park and on a conversation I had with a certain person xD

So... yeah, I went crazy with this one, didnt I?
Tell me your thoughts