When I left Jimmy’s house, I had no idea where I should go next. I was damn exhausted and couldn’t make my fucking eyes to stop crying. I was lost.

I knew he wasn’t showing up tomorrow. I didn’t know what else to try. It was all useless.
So I walked to the only person that could make me see clearly again. The only person that could understand me and help me make the next plan, even if there wasn’t many plans left. The only person I always need. My feet always seem to drag me to him. No matter what.

I rang his doorbell and as I tried to wipe out my tears, someone opened the door. And it definitely wasn’t who I expected.

“Hi… It’s Emily, right?” the blonde woman asked me and when I could finally see through my smudged sight, I recognized her. Michelle. Great…

“Yeah, I… I know it’s late but I was wondering if…” I kept my head down and tried to make my voice sound normal and not cracked but it was almost impossible. And she didn’t even let me finish my question.

“Brian is in the shower now. Maybe you should…” and it was her time to get interrupted now.
Brian appeared right behind her, drying his hair with a towel.

“Emily, is everything okay?” he walked towards the door quickly and our eyes finally locked. With just one look, he recognized all the pain and turmoil that was going on inside me.

“Can we… can we talk?”

He didn’t even look at the woman standing in the threshold, looking apprehensive with what he was about to do next. Brian just walked through the door and left her behind to walk a few meters with me.

“What’s wrong?” that soft worried voice was everything I needed to hear now.

“Everything is. I just went back there tonight to try and convince him to take that flight with me tomorrow and he was… throwing a party. Can you believe that? He’s… he’s having fun while we are here…” I sobbed and had to breathe again. “I don’t know what else to do, Brian. We tried everything. Everything. What’s next? Please… tell me you can help me figure this out. Please. I can’t do this alone.”

“Yeah, of course I’ll help you, Em. Just calm down and we’re gonna talk about our next plan. Let’s… let’s just get out of here.” I saw him looking back at the door, at her, but he didn’t say anything. He just grabbed my arm, pulled me with him to his car and we drove off.

---

It was past midnight. She remembered as it if had happened a minute ago. He said he would be waiting for her at 9 pm on his house. And if she had decided it was best not to go, why she kept replaying that conversation and their strange kiss several times in her mind? Well, Mei couldn’t help. Her mind had a life of its own.

She could still go. She knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep now. But she seemed too worried about Jimmy’s complicated situation with Emily. Mei didn’t wanna make things even more complicated. It was a fucked-up triangle as it is, it didn’t need to turn out as a… romantic square because of her. That’s the kind of drama she didn’t need in her life.

But what if… what if he was really done with her? What if there was no more drama left and she was only creating these possibilities so she could run away from her own romantic life? She didn’t wanna let her guards down. She didn’t wanna get hurt again.

Mei paced around her room back and forth and when she realized what she was really doing, she looked at the mirror and faced herself all dressed up, with make up on, a bright red lipstick and high heels.

“I’m going, aren’t I?” she asked to the mirror, in German. And to give her the biggest jolt, someone answered back, in English.

“Yes, you are.” Kim stated from the door. “Get out of here before you drive me insane with this heels knocking on the ground back and forth. I need concentration for my night reading, woman.”

Kim smiled when she saw her friend turning to her and measured her from head to toe.

“This will make him ask ‘Who’s Emily again?’” Kim smirked pointing at her and Mei’s cheeks reddened.

“Shut up…” Mei got her purse, placed her cellphone in and passed by Kim to finally walk towards the door.

“Your curfew is at 5 am, missy!”

“It’s 1 already. I don’t think so, mom!” they both laughed and before she would disappear behind the door, she winked at her friend.

---

“…and that’s what he said… And I told him to be there tomorrow. But I know he won’t. Somehow, deep inside, I know we already lost him. But… we need… to keep trying…” my eyes begun to water again but this time I was able to control it. “We can’t give up…”

“I know… we won’t, Em.” I was facing the table of that dinner Jimmy and I used to hang around when we started dating and the next thing I felt was those slender soft fingers touching my hand.

I didn’t pull back this time. I needed his touch so bad lately. But it only made me think more about those words Jimmy spoke to me.

“I think we need a massive intervention this time. Like… we should call his parents. We should call everyone he knows that is important to him. We need to try to say the right words and…”

“We shouldn’t be there, Brian.” Now she pulled her hand from his. “You know that.”

“He needs to forgive us, Emily. Or this will eat him alive. He needs to know we are his friends no matter what.”

“I don’t think he’s ready…” I pursed my lips in sadness. “Do you think he’ll ever be… ready to forgive us?” my eyes landed on his and he took a long while to blink and open his eyes again to me, breathing deeply.

“I have no idea…” he shook his head and looked down, as sad as I was.

---

As she walked the very small distance to Jimmy’s house, her heart was throbbing faster and faster. He wanted her to be there tonight. She could feel he needed her. His lips said much more than he thought while taking hers into that kiss. It meant something, she was certain of that. With that thought, her path went faster with her heart beats and a huge smile spread across her lips.

Oh god, I must look like a teenager…

When she arrived on his house, the real image of how a Jimmy party would look like confirmed her mental picture. It was wild. Lots of people doing all kinds of things, including a snorting contest, which she pretended she didn’t see when she came inside the house.

Her attentive eyes searched everywhere for Jimmy. Only people bumping on her and laughing, or dancing with the loud music. And when she was almost reaching the stairs, some guy she had never seen before stopped her.

“Hey, where are you going?”

“I’m… I’m looking for Jimmy. Do you know where…”

“Oh… I see… brunette, accent. Where are you from again?” the guy smirked and changed his stare. He was… about to hit on her? Really?

“Germany. Jimmy said he would be wai…”

“Yeah, yeah, he’s upstairs. He told me you would show up. Just go ahead…” she nodded and climbed up. But she had to look back just to make sure the guy wasn’t drooling on her butt. And yeah, he was…

Men…

“Hey! Knock first!” he shouted when she was already on the second floor and she nodded again.

Why knock if he was waiting for her? Maybe he had another woman there. Or women. Or drugs. Or drugs and women.

Fuck, stop rationalizing woman!

(LISTEN WHILE YOU READ)

Mei knocked three times and called out. “Jimmy? Hey, it’s me, Mei!”

Not a single noise came back. She tried again.

“Sorry I’m late! Are you in there?”

“Jimmy?”

She knocked again. And with no response, her heart was beating faster but differently now. That knot in her stomach was starting to rise.

“Hello!! Jimmy?? Are you in there??? It’s me!”

Mei tried to open the door this time and when she noticed it was locked, her eyes widened. Her breathing quickened. The worst came across her mind.

“Hey! Open the door!” she stomped her palms on the door, getting desperate. When her ears seemed to get closer to the door, she heard something. She frowned and glued her ear on the door.

She could hear some kind of… dial tone?

She knew right there something was not right. She tried to calm down and decided she had to go inside that room not even if she had to break into it. With all the strength her body held, she let her shoulder bump several times on the door and nothing happened. It needed someone stronger. So she ran to the stairs again and searched for that guy. When he looked back at her, she shouted and signed for him to come quickly.

“Hey babe, I knew you would call me, it was just a matter of time…” she completely ignored his stupid smile and dragged his arm towards the door promptly.

“C’mon, you need to open the door. I think Jimmy’s in there and he’s not answering.”
The guy changed his traits and frowned, knocking on the door loudly, calling Jimmy, and nothing.

“We need to go in. Just break the fucking door!” she demanded, trying to control her trembling legs and the huge lump on her throat

“Step away from the door.” and he started bumping his shoulder. One, two… on the third, it cracked.

‘Well, you found me…

The dial tone volume increased. Now they could see from where it came from. From the floor, in the direction of Jimmy’s loose arm on the bed. He tried to call someone, she thought. And he was passed out on the bed with a bottle of pills and syringes spread on the mattress.

but I don't know… why

“Oh Jesus Christ…” she came in quickly and for a fraction of moment, she was frozen to her feet. It was a lot to take in. The guy beside her looked just the same, shocked. “Call an ambulance!” she demanded again in a whisper, the only thing her brain managed to rationalize then.

He wasn’t just sleeping this time.

You wanna save… me...’

The hardest scene Meike ever had to deal with in front of her. But she couldn’t let her emotions get to her now. She ran to Jimmy, kneeled on the bed and checked if he was breathing and his pulse on his neck. None of it was there.

Shit, it was a bad sign. She knew that. But his body was still warm. A little bit of hope burned on her eyes and spread to her heart.

‘Well, God is great and God is good

“Jimmy c’mon… Don’t do this to me. I need you here. I need you.” She whispered in between sobs and breathes while she tried to shake his head, his chest, everywhere, to wake him up.

But God didn't help me when he could’

Then she remembered. She had first aid classes back in Germany. She could try resuscitation.

‘And love dances slowly… by...’

As she tried desperately to pump his heart back and to bring air to his lungs, only one thing was rushing through her mind unstoppably: that was a goodbye party. He was saying goodbye in his own way. And she was too late for their farewell. She was too late to save him.

‘I… I can't feel anything
My arms are numb and I'm hoping
You noticed the line I left off
All that you'll find inside
Are bells and butterflies
But I'll be smiling when I die’

Their last conversation, their kiss were repeating over and over inside her mind in a loop. She never thought, not in a million years, that the next time she would be touching her lips on his would be to try to save his life and not to be kissed back.

Why didn’t I look back after he kissed me? Why didn’t I… why didn’t I tell him how I felt? Why didn’t I come here earlier?

Why he is not… waking up…? Damn it! Why he won’t… breathe again?

Why, God? WHY???

‘This is just a courtesy call
This is just a matter of policy
This is just an act of kindness
To let you know that your time is up’

Her arms were trembling from exhaustion. Her tears were blurring her vision completely. But she wouldn’t stop until the ambulance would arrive. Even if she knew, deep inside, she would never see those blue eyes opening up to her ever again.

‘This is just a courtesy call
(Why'd you want to save me?)
This is just a matter of policy
(Why'd you want to save me now?)
This is just an act of kindness
(What'd you want to do it for?)
To let you know that your time is up’

When the paramedics arrived, they had to remove Mei from the bed. She was in shock, she couldn’t move, her head wasn’t thinking straight. And as she watched them working on Jimmy in slow motion in her head, even after several shocks they gave on his chest, his body remained static and lifeless. Exactly like she felt right now.

‘This is just a courtesy call
(Why would you wanna save my life?)
This is just a matter of policy
(I know you did all you could)
This is just an act of kindness
(It's been comin' for a long time, long time...)
To let you know that your time is up…’

The medics shook their heads after several minutes of procedures and that sign was enough for everyone on the room to have their hearts ripped off.

It was over.

---

2 am – December 28th

“So who’s gonna tell his parents about this massive intervention?” Emily asked, as they planned their next action for tomorrow morning on Jimmy’s house.

“I could tell them.”

“I think it’s best if Matt would tell them. I guess they are not very fond of us after everything that happened.”

“Yeah, you’re right…” he looked down, disappointed with himself but continued. “We all should say why he’s important to us, we have to prepare a speech. And we should say it looking inside his eyes. I once saw that in a movie, it worked out.”

But life isn’t really a movie, is it? – They thought together.

“It’s a good idea. He has to listen to everyone, one by one, until we can break the barrier inside him. Until he can let his guards down and let us help.”

“If that doesn’t work out, I don’t know what will.” She could feel he was just as lost in unsuccessful plans and worried thoughts as she was.

“It will, Brian. It will work out.” Emily smiled for the first time that day, placed her hand on top of his again and their fingers begun to play.

As the silence took over, their eyes started to talk loudly. It was a long time since they couldn’t make love through their glances and now that it was happening again, their hearts were pounding a little faster than usual. Brian could never feel that with Michelle. And Emily felt that once with Jimmy, but that feeling was much stronger with Brian now.

“I missed talking to you… like this, you know.” Emily dared to speak. “I can’t eat properly, I can’t sleep, I’ve been so tired lately and… being here, with you, just makes it all go away.”

He let his fingers press hers tighter, feeling his ears being caressed by her words. His eyes even shone brighter as he half-smiled. He loved when she spoke what she really felt, without lying, without pretending, just letting pour what’s on her heart.

“You know… Michelle and I, we are just... killing time together. We pretend we’re trying to have a relationship again but… it’s useless. We’re both fooling ourselves. We didn’t even hit the bed yet.” He thought it was the right time to confess things to her too. And by the look on her eyes, she was surprised.

“Wow... that’s… that’s too much information.” They chuckled. “But you left her in your house alone. I felt kinda bad for her.”

“Don’t worry. I’m done pretending. I guess she got my message.”

Their eyes connected again and Emily was wondering. What message was that? That he wasn’t over her yet? That he was pretending to love Michelle and… he still loved her?

Her thoughts were interrupted by Brian’s phone ringing, which made him jolt on his seat. They both thought right away it was Michelle, wanting to know where he was. But it wasn’t.

“Matt? Why the hell are you calling me that late, man?” Brian frowned at first and as he listened to the other line, his eyes were widening slowly.

Emily noticed right away how pale he became as he stared inside her eyes and kept listening and listening. She mouthed a what to him and he wouldn’t say anything still.

“Okay... I’m… I’m gonna let her… let her know. I’ll see you later.” He hang up and stood still, not even blinking. Not taking a one single breath.

“What? What is it? Brian...?” she was predicting it already. That knot in her stomach was bigger than ever now.

“It’s... It’s Jimmy...” his lazy eyes saddened like she had never seen before. And it hit her hard. Like a stone on her head.

Emily felt the walls closing in on her, exactly like that time when she last hit a stage, exactly like when she was so high she couldn’t even stand up straight. There was not enough air in the world that could make her to breathe now. She just stood up from the seat in the dinner and walked all stiff to the street. Brian took a little longer to process everything, but he ran after her outside, after leaving the money for their bill on the table.

When he arrived there, he saw her leaning on a wall in a position that looked like she was about to get sick. And yeah, it didn’t take longer until she was puking her guts out. He held her hair until her stomach was empty and she was blue. When she finally ceased, he brought her a bottle of water. Before she could take it, she fell apart in his arms.

He fell apart in her arms.

Jimmy was dead.

Notes