December 27th

“Do you still love your life?”

A very distant and blurred voice emerged in my dreamless sleep abruptly.
I had heard this question before. I knew that voice. I just didn’t have that answer.

“John? Are you there? Is it you?” I asked around all over my mind, as it seemed, and the blackness insisted to surround me. There was no one there anymore.

They all had left.

Of course they would…

But I had to try again.

“John… please… talk to me again! I really need to talk to you!” I sounded stupid even inside my own head. Trying to reach an imaginary friend? Really, Jimmy?

Yeah, for some unknown reason, some part of my mind used to give me insights and advices when I needed after and during my coma. And for some more obscure reason, that part of me was gone now. Like the others would. It was just a matter of time.

As I was still lost in that dark and bottomless pit that was my mind, a perfume begun to fill the empty space, turning into a bright white light path around me.
That perfume.

Until the light path finally stopped moving around me and took a form. It was her again. The mysterious girl I had dreamed before. And I had complete certainty who she was now. Unfortunately she wasn’t naked this time.

“At least someone didn’t abandon me…”

“I would never do that.” She whispered and it sent shivers all over me.

“Just… just tell me you’re coming tonight. I wanna be able to trust someone again. I wanna be able to love someone again. It has to be you. I felt it in your lips.” I let my fingertips brush her mouth for a second. “Maybe… you’re my second chance.”

“I can only be your second chance if you let me.” It wasn’t just her mouth speaking to me. Her eyes were sending signs. Signs I wish I could understand.

“I will… I’m ready for this. I’m ready to move on. I can’t keep living like this.” I sounded desperate.

“Then I will be there. Trust me.” She smiled beautifully and turned her back. And I could actually see the skin of her back. It looked as white as milk. Not even a slight trace of the tattoos I had seen on her last time. Exactly as she told me.

When I was about to call her name, my eyes opened up to stare at my bedroom ceiling.
It was really just a dream. But a big part of me wished it had really happened.

---

“Good morning, Ems. Feeling better?” Jess pulled me out of my thoughts suddenly as I stared at my full bowl of cereal. I was playing with it for a few minutes, with not a slight intention to eat it.

“I guess not.” I finally let go of the spoon and pushed the bowl to Jess direction, who had just sat by my side and was looking at me with concern.

I was nauseated the whole day yesterday. Nothing could stop in my stomach. The emotional stress of these past days was probably taking over me now.

“You didn’t eat anything yesterday. Try it again.” She sent the bowl back to me and I shook my head.

“No, Jess… really… I can’t…” I stood up and walked towards the window.

“You can’t just keep dwelling on it, Emily. He’ll come to his senses… eventually. You need to take care of yourself now.”

“I don’t know, Jess… I feel this weight in my chest since I left him. I’m not sure if I did the right thing. Maybe I was wrong again. Maybe he still needs me.” The doubts were killing me.

“Well, if he wants you back, he’ll miss you so much that he’ll finally notice he made the wrong choice. You never really know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Maybe your absence will open his eyes.”

I caught her eyes and thought about it.

“Yeah… it’s a possibility, right?”

“A strong possibility. So here’s what I think you should try. Go there tonight, talk to him, friendly, and ask him again if he’s coming with you to Hawaii tomorrow.”

“You really think he might’ve changed his mind in just a few hours?” I was hopeless.

“I do… You see me, for instance. I have a recorded video, a recommendation letter and my curriculum lying on top of my piano this whole week. And I’ve changed my mind about sending them to the California Philharmonic auditions a thousand times so far. I have no idea what I really want. So yeah… we’re all capable of changing our minds all the time.”

“Yeah… maybe you’re right.” Hearing Jess talk finally made my stomach protest for some food. I walked back to the table, grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and gave it a bite. “And you should definitely send that résumé. I can’t wait to see you back on stage to make me jealous again.” I winked at her and left the kitchen by the time Zack was entering the room.

We greeted each other and I went upstairs to get dressed with a permanent thought in my mind. I had to confront Jimmy one last time. And it has to be tonight.

---

“So… did you send it?” Zack threw the question on me before my body could even have a chance to digest my breakfast. That was not fair.

“Not yet.” I was dry as possible with my future husband and I hated that.

“You remember you have until the end of the week to send it, right?”

“Yes! Zack, can you please stop bringing up that subject every time we sit here to eat? It seems like it’s all that matters to you lately. Like it was more important to you than everything that’s been happening…” I know it sounded like that but I didn’t wanna fight with him now.

“Jess, if you don’t wanna do this, then don’t! You don’t need to. I just want you to be happy.” He shrugged, peacefully.

“I dunno, okay? I really don’t know yet…” I let my head slid through my palms to hide my face. “I can’t really think about that now.” I felt as overwhelmed as Emily somehow.

“You’re worried about Jimmy…” he said it and it made me stare back at his eyes. He went right on the spot.

“I just have this… heavy weight inside my chest, you know? It’s some kind of anguish. Like something very bad is about to happen. Emily is feeling that too, weirdly. And… well, I don’t know, maybe we were jinxed by some kind of bad curse and I think we need to find a way to protect us.”

“What are you talking about now? You’ve been watching that Supernatural thing too much lately…” he chuckled and I remained serious. He wasn’t getting my point.

“It’s not like that, it’s… I feel like I need to do something. I’ve been thinking about this and… I think I need a tattoo to cover my scars.” There. I said it. I wasn’t beating around the bushes anymore.

And he made the most helpless face in the world in response.

“Babe… we went through this before. You can’t handle the pain. Just… try something else. I’ll take you out, let’s see some live music on some pub on Main Street and get our minds out of things. You’ll feel better.”

“No, Zack… you don’t understand. I need to do this. I need protection. Not just from the outside things I can’t control but… from myself either. I need something to remind me of all the harm I did to myself and that can make me think a hundred times before doing it again.” I was facing my wrists, analyzing my scars, thinking about how much I hated to see them every day and get a constant reminder of my mistakes.

“Look… Jimmy’s gonna be okay, alright? Don’t worry, Jess. He’ll get some sense and notice he’s only hurting all of us and himself. I know my friend. He gets a little crazy sometimes but he knows… what’s right in the end.”

I couldn’t see difference between right and wrong when I had that razor blade in my hands. But I wouldn’t tell him that. I couldn’t blame him for not knowing what was like to lose purpose in life. And if it depended on me, he would never know how that feels.

“Maybe I should go ask Jimmy to make a tattoo with me. Then I could try and talk to him.” That was the whole idea in the first place.

“Forget about the tattoo thing. Just go talk to him then. Share some experiences. Maybe he’ll listen.”

I rolled my eyes to him and decided to agree. He didn’t have to know what Jimmy and I would talk.

We finished breakfast and later we went there. It was midday. All the windows from Jimmy’s house were closed. We rang the bell for half an hour and nothing.

“He’s probably out.”

Yeah… or out of his conscious. We would never know.

“Shouldn’t we… check if he’s okay?” I tried to see through his living room window but the curtains were closed.

“You heard Matt. Jimmy doesn’t want us to bother him. Let’s come back later…”

I looked into his eyes and pursed my lips. I didn’t wanna leave without knowing from him but there was nothing we could do there except if we wanted to be arrested for trespassing.
All we hoped was that he was okay. Wherever he was.

We just went back home defeated and more worried than before.

---

10 pm

I scanned the crowded room from the top of my stairs for a few seconds, analyzing how my house got full of people so suddenly. I didn’t know half of the faces there. And most of them would say they were celebrating someone’s birthday.

Yeah, maybe we were celebrating my birthday today. I could finally see beyond my obsession for Emily. I could think about myself as one whole person again. And from now on, I knew I had a long road to wash her away from my system completely but at least I gave the first steps. I thought I was reborn that day I woke up from the coma but I was wrong. Today was the day I could finally feel alive again. And truly free. And I had to live it like it was the last one.

I would set the rules and the tone of my life now. No one could take that control away from me. And that’s how it is supposed to be.

I kept searching around as the people passed by me, bumping in my shoulder and not even realizing who I was. I liked it that way. But something was still missing in that whole scenario. Someone was missing.

“Hey, Gary!” I called out for the guy standing by the door. “You brought my stuff?”

“Hey Jimbo, of course I did! You’re my most loyal customer now. I can never disappoint you, my boy.” As soon as I reached him, he showed me his hand and passed the sheer envelopes and a few pills from his palm to mine in a hand shake.

I smirked at him and promptly gave him his money.

“Look at that table over there. They are going wild on it!” Gary chuckled loudly and I had never seen that many people snorting that many rows in so little time. “It’s a contest, who snorts the rows faster without passing out wins. I’m making millions on dope thanks to them!” yeah he was definitely exaggerating on the millions thing.

Before I could go back to my room to get my fix, I decided I should apply to that stupid contest. I knew I could easily win. I had to show these motherfuckers I was back at the game.

“Who says you can start a contest like this without fucking calling me in!!??” I shouted for the group around my center table and the guy who was being the ‘judge’ of it was the person behind all those unknown people showing up in my house tonight. My old friend and party-planner Mark.

“Haa!! Ladies and retards, here’s the one and only man of the year, who resurrected from the ashes, your host, Jimbo!” his tone was all ceremonial as I walked around people cheering his words even if they have never seen the man he was talking about before and bro-hugged him.

“Don’t make that big advertisement out of me. I like the anonymity I have so far.”

“They gotta know their host, man! I know, I spread the word of your party for way beyond Huntington Beach borders, but look at this! Hundreds of people having fun because you made it happen. This is life!”

“I just offered my house and bought booze enough for less than half of the people here. I didn’t do anything.” He chuckled at my remark.

“Wanna show these beginners how it’s done?”

My smirk and pointed eyebrow showed him my answer.

“C’mon, c’mon people, we’re starting another row, literally. Spread your dope here and try not to pass out. Who finishes faster wins!”

“What do I win with this?” I whispered to him.

“Oh my friend… there’s hundreds of chicks here wanting to give Rev a blow. You just point out and I bring her to you.” He winked and tapped my shoulder as I laughed and shook my head. He was hilarious. “Alright, that’s it. Let’s start this shit! On my count!”

I set the three coke lines in front of me and looked around at the three suckers with their threatening looks at me. I should teach them how to respect the host!

“3…2…1…GO!!!!!”

I had years of practice. They couldn’t stand a chance. I loved the feeling of it burning my nostril and sending that rush straight to my brain like electricity. I was so used to that euphoria I didn’t have to stop before I finished the lines in probably less than 20 seconds.

I stood up in a hyped jump, with my arm up to sign I had won, and started laughing uncontrollably. Mark kept my arm up like I was a boxing champion. And everybody cheered again.

“And that’s how it’s done, people!!! Learn with the master!”

The girls were already coming out of nowhere to be around me. I felt at the top of the world again. A few of them wore Avenged tees and those were the ones I had to stay away from. I really didn’t need another Emily showing up in my life again.

“The champion is all yours ladies.” Mark said seductive and went back to his contest, leaving me aside.

As some girls were trying to engage in a conversation with me, my eyes never left the front door. She wasn’t really coming tonight, was she?

It was a dream, you moron. They never come true.

I couldn’t hear a thing they were saying and laughing about. I just needed to get out of there and go to my room to prepare my stuff. So I excused myself and they protested.

“I’ll be back, girls. Don’t worry. It’s my house.” I winked at them and sneaked away.

Tossed all the stuff I just bought in the mattress, cooked my dope and after I shot up, I just lied down and enjoyed the primal ecstasy that always made me disappear completely to go back to my senses slowly. And that was when I heard my phone buzzing in my pocket.

Zack’s number. Nah, I didn’t have time or head for their crap now. I let it ring until it stopped. And I promptly received a voicemail message.

I wasn’t gonna listen. It was ruining my high, I knew it. But I was kinda curious so I just called the voicemail. And it wasn’t Zack’s voice. It was Jess’s.

“Hey Jimmy, how are you? It’s been a while since we don’t… talk, right? We couldn’t find you in your house today so I decided to call you but... yeah, I guess you don’t really wanna be reached by us... I miss your jokes and your wise classes about tattoos, you know… Speaking of that… I was thinking if we could hang out one of these days and go make a tattoo together. Yeah, I know, you’re probably wondering why would I want to do that again. But I’ll explain my reasons to you when we meet. Just tell me when. I’ll be waiting for your call. Just take care of yourself, okay? Bye.”

That message made me smile, surprisingly. Her words were true, I could tell. She wasn’t making up some excuse just to check if I was eating all my meals at the right time. And I really wanted to know what was that tattoo thing all about. I should call her.

But not tonight. No… I had to forget about them right now. I had a party to rock.

I checked myself at the mirror quickly, set up my hair and left my room again.

As soon as I showed up my face outside, Mark called me from the door.

“Hey man, there’s a chick waiting for you outside. She said she needs to talk to you.”

I climbed down the stairs and reached him among the crowd.

“Brunette with an accent?” my hope reignited.

“Nope. Red hair, no accent.”

“Oh fuck… what is she doing here…” I puffed some hair violently and saw Emily outside. She caught my eyes and now I couldn’t just hide.

I had to face her again someday, right? Sooner or later I had to… finish my speech to her. We needed closure. We needed to be honest with each other finally. If the universe chose it would happen today, so be it.

---

Jimmy walked towards her and Emily came towards him with arms crossed. Her face, an enigma to him.

“Hey…”

She nodded ironically, without answering him as she licked her lips. He was there, partying this whole time, as his friends were dead worried about him. She couldn’t believe.

“I can see you’re having your fun.” She sounded disappointed and surprised at the same time with the amount of strange people inside his house. And of course, she noticed his glassy eyes.

“I had to start living again. Tonight is about that, actually. We’re celebrating life here. And freedom. You should try some time.” He wasn’t abandoning his sarcastic tone with her and she had to smile just as ironically as he was.

“Right.” She shook her head, facing his front porch ground. “I shouldn’t have come. How could I have possibly thought you could’ve changed your mind…” she turned her back to him, ready to leave, when he held her arm.

“Emily, wait, we should talk…”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Jimmy. You’ve clearly made up your mind. My opinion doesn’t matter anymore.” Her disappointment and sadness were as visible as never before to his eyes now.

A song started to blast from the stereo and, strangely, it wasn’t party like. It worked as a tense background for their arguing, even if they weren’t really paying attention to it.

'Tearing me apart with words you wouldn't say
And suddenly tomorrow's a moment washed away
Cause I don't have a reason and you don't have the time
But we both keep on waiting
For something we won't find'

“You’re wrong. Your opinion will always matter to me. I need to move on but a part of me will always love you, Emily. I can’t just cut you out of my skin.” He softened his stare when she looked up at him and he finally let go of her arm when she gave signs she would stay and listen.

“You love me but you wanna move on. I’m… I’m really confused here so… enlighten me.”

They traded meaningful stares for endless seconds, trying to read each other’s mind. But they both didn’t have that power anymore.

He would have to say it. Say it all. With full words what that moment meant to him. He was sick of lies. He had enough courage to say the words he needed to say now.

'All I ever wanted, the secrets that you keep
All you've ever wanted
The truth I couldn't speak
Cause I can't see forgiveness, and you can't see the crime
And we both keep on waiting for
What we left behind'

“Well… I was born to be in pain and miserable. It’s just who I am. And that’s why we hit it off, cause you thought you weren’t capable of being happy just like me. But it’s not true, we can all see it now. You can be everything you want, Emily, and you can make every single guy in this world the luckiest and the happiest man. So…that’s where we grew apart. I can’t keep doing this, getting in the way of your happiness with him. It’s killing me. You deserve a man that can make you feel special, and I can only bring destruction and self-loathing to our lives. Please just, go be with Brian, he’s something I’ll never be. The right man for you.” Jimmy looked relieved when he finished. Emily looked desperate.

Her eyes filled more with tears at each word he said. She had things to tell him too but now she had completely lost the track of thought. It all led him to think that way, that he wasn’t good enough for her. She was the one to blame for this. And she knew she couldn’t change his view at this time of the game.

'The light on the horizon was brighter yesterday
With shadows floating over, the scars begin to fade
We said it was forever
But then it slipped away
Standing at the end of the final masquerade
The final masquerade'

He wasn’t just breaking up with her this time. He was giving full permission and allowance for her to stay with Brian. And instead of being relieved about it, Emily felt like smothering inside. She had important things to say to him but now she wouldn’t know how to say them. She didn’t even know if she should say it to him, even if she was aware it would change everything. She had a huge impasse inside of her.

“I don’t believe in soul mates, Jimmy. I believe you have to make an effort to take care of the ones you love and to show you care. And that’s what I’m doing here. I’m trying again cause I told you I wouldn’t give up on you. And I won’t.” her tears were flowing like a river. “Our plane leaves tomorrow at 9 am. Please James… just be there.”

Yeah… she couldn’t say it now. Tomorrow would be the right time, if he shows up.

She turned her back and didn’t wait for his reply. She had never been more scared in her whole life. Cause that heaviness in her chest just seemed to increase at each step she took away from him. It was like she had bricks on her ankles, preventing her from walking. She was dizzy, physically tormented. The feeling was even worse than last time she left him.

He just stood there, watching her disappear down the street.

What united them in the first place was separating now. Heroine was.

It was separating them for good this time.

'Final masquerade'

---

After I watched Emily crying and leaving like that, I knew my night was completely ruined. The last thing I wanted was to hurt her but I couldn’t avoid it. I had chosen my path. I had made up my mind. Maybe someday she would understand.

I turned my back as well and climbed the stairs back to my room. It was like I couldn’t see anyone in front of me anymore. All I could think of was to erase my memories one by one from this past year and never let it reach this point we’ve got. But there was no such thing as erasing, right?

There was only one magical eraser I knew. And I was going straight to it as soon as I get in my room. I didn’t have a slight recollection I had just shot up a dose. Or maybe I just didn’t care. I just needed to do it again.

“Hey man, where are you going?” Mark shouted from downstairs.

“I’ll be right back. If the brunette with an accent shows up, tell her I’m upstairs… And tell her to knock first.”

Mark showed his thumb up and I stepped inside my room finally. Closed the door behind me and locked myself in this time.

Notes

Oh maan…I had a few speeches for this chapter ready since I started this story, two years ago :O
Just can’t believe I can finally use them properly. I’m so proud I got that far with this story and… nervous about ur opinions =p

And the song… to me, it’s always that song playing in that last part. It fits perfectly in my head. Give it a listen ;)

God… I have jitters, I have butterflies, and I might die of anxiety before this story ends hahaha Need to know your thoughts as sooner as never =p

What you expect from next chapter?