My heart was racing in my throat as soon as I headed out of Jimmy’s house with my bags in hands. I was damn frightened of leaving him alone like this but… something about the glare in his eyes could tell me everything he couldn’t. He really wanted me to go. Or better, he needed me to go.

I was actually hurting him. The more I tried to make it better, the more I made it worse. That glare told me how my desperate want to help him was only bringing him more pain and distress. His speech about living on his own terms put me out of tracks for a moment but then I got it. That was exactly what he wanted all this time and I was too blind to see it. He was trying for me, only. He never wanted my help. He never wanted to get clean. I wanted those things for him. And that’s where our road together ends.

Trembling from head to toe I walked across the street to Brian’s car. I knocked on his door and noticed he was sleeping on the driver’s seat. Poor guy…
He woke up in a jolt, frowned at me and then opened his window.

“Hey, is there something wrong?”

“No… I mean… I don’t know.” I pursed my lips, trying to think about words to summarize all the insights I had on that last conversation with Jimmy to Brian. And that was a really hard thing to do, apparently.

He looked outside and saw my bag hanging in my hand.

“He threw you out too?”

“No, not really. I left.” I looked to the ground and then back at him again. “He doesn’t want help, Brian. We got it all wrong. I got it all wrong.” I felt defeated somehow.

“What… what are you saying?”

“He told me he wanna keep living that way. He’s not gonna quit. And we can’t force him.”

“Are you… are you saying you’re giving up? Now that we’re almost there you wanna quit??” he was perplexed and didn’t get my point exactly.

“No, I’m not quitting. But I understand some things now. And one of them is this, you and me, here, busting our asses off to force him to do something he doesn’t wanna do. The last thing he needs right now is us, Brian. We’re toxic for him. We did too much more harm than we think we did. He needs space. He needs his other friends, maybe his parents, and we can just try to find ways to help him from outside. But we should just step away for now. That’s what I felt while looking into his eyes this whole day.”

He thought about my words, brushed his hair in weariness and confusion and came back to my eyes. He looked as defeated as I felt.

“We can’t just leave him alone here, Emily. You saw what happened last night. He’ll do it again if we let him.” He showed genuine concern.

“We can’t force him to stay clean. He needs to want it. We can just stay here for all those days watching him and then what? He’ll find a way to escape our sights. He’ll always find a way, Brian. There’s really nothing we can do now.” It hurt to say that, but that was what my heart was shouting.

“No… I don’t believe that loser speech. You can do whatever you want but I’m not leaving now.” He was determined and I wasn’t up to another fight right now.

“Okay. I need some time to sleep and reorganize my thoughts. Tomorrow morning I’ll bring someone here to talk to him. You knew Susan, my sponsor.”

“Yeah, she might be helpful.” He didn’t sound so sure of what he was saying. He looked very tired himself. “Do you wanna crash in my place?”

“Yeah, I really don’t want to wake up Jess and Zack with all these bad news on their door. I’ll go there tomorrow. And here’s Jimmy’s keys.”

We exchanged keys and I thanked him with a nod.

“Want a ride?”

“No, I’m exhausted but I need to walk and breathe fresh air right now. It’s just a few blocks away. Call me if anything happens.”

“Yeah, you too.”

We traded a one last glance and I turned my back to tread on that extremely dark night by myself. With that churning feeling I was leaving such a huge part of me behind.

---

5 am – December 26th

Freedom.

Oh yeah… That word never sounded tastier in my mouth. I was finally free from all those restraints they’ve been trying to put on me. Except that Brian was still parked in front of my house, so I knew I had to confront him next as soon as I leave my house again. And I needed to score. Badly.

So I just dressed up in black, put on a hoodie trying to look a little less cold turkey than I already was and left through the back door, leaving the lights on. When I turned the corner, I glanced quickly at my street and saw Brian’s car still there. I had to shake my head. Never thought my best friend could be that stupid besides the cheating bastard I knew he was.

I didn’t need my car to find the closest alley where I could buy some good dose. And it didn’t take long until I found that place and met with my sweet white perdition. The only thing I still loved and truly loved me back.

9 am

I was going back to my house, very recovered from the previous night, hoping I wouldn’t find that BMW still parked in my street. I really thought I had given him enough time to think about what he was doing and he would just get tired and leave. But apparently I was wrong. Instead of going away, he had called the whole gang of interventionists to stay at my door, just waiting to inquire me and put me against the wall again.

Not this time, fellas. Not this time.

At the moment I saw Matt’s car, I placed my hoodie on and made my way back to where I came, expecting they wouldn’t see me. But yeah, I was wrong again. When I accelerated my pace, I heard Matt’s loud voice calling my name.

I pretended I didn’t hear and kept walking away, faster now. But before I could turn the corner, I felt a pull in my arm.

“Jimmy, wait… c’mon…” he stepped in front of me and when I turn to the other side, there was Brian, Emily and some other woman I didn’t know who was. Probably Emily’s thing.

I was trapped.

“Guys… I just wanna be alone, okay? Stop worrying about me. I’m fine. Look!” I let my arms wide open and turned around for everyone to see. I was alive. Isn’t that what they wanted? “All good. Now please…just go take care of your own lives…” I started to walk but they all came to my direction to stop me this time and I had no option but to stay.

“You’re not fine, Jimmy. You need help. We wanna help you. Please, just come with us, we’ll take you to this nice clinic downt…” I interrupted Matt.

“I don’t wanna hear about this you need to heal crap anymore, Matt. I accept my faith, alright? I accept who I am. I don’t wanna quit. And you should all accept that too.” I pointed to all of them. I was losing my temper.

That was when I saw Emily shaking her head to both Brian and the woman beside her disguisedly. She probably already explained them my wish and warned them about it.

“Do you really think it’s worth to trade your whole life, your friends, your family and the people you love for this?” the unknown woman finally spoke towards me, which made me stare at her right away. She had that kind of voice that could draw your attention even on a crowded and noisy place.

I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breath. She was annoying my thoughts. She was… she was making me have second thoughts and I didn’t want that. I’ve made up my mind.

“You know what? You don’t know shit about my life. So go ahead and ask those two standing right beside you.” I pointed to Brian and Emily. “They have a lot to explain to you before you judge me.” I had this urge to hurt them like they hurt me. So I had to keep remembering them what they’ve done.

“You can’t keep blaming the others for your own mistakes.” The woman dared to answer. And I swore I was about to get violent if I couldn’t get rid of them in the next minute. “You gotta take responsibilities, Jimmy. Start fixing things. That’s the only way you’ll be able to feel good about yourself again.”

“That’s where you’re all wrong. You’re assuming I’m not feeling good. That I’m not happy. But guess what? I couldn’t be more satisfied right now. I have the perfect secret for happiness and you’re all just trying to take it away from me. I’m not gonna let you do that anymore. I’m done! Don’t come back to my house, I don’t wanna see any of you there. I’m sick of all of you. Just leave me the hell alone!!”

This time I finished my speech and walked past Matt, who tried to hold me again. This time I pushed him away with a lot of strength and he frowned at me, in a mixture of hurt with anger and surprise.

“GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF OF ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!! ALL OF YOU!!!” I screamed from the top of my lungs while he wouldn’t let me go. And those words finally made him loose his grip as I walked away.

I guess he finally understood my point.

---

Afternoon

I sat on one of those benches surrounded by giant green trees on the hidden places Huntington Park offered and waited for her, the only person I could trust enough to speak to by then and that I knew that would listen. Maybe she would understand me. Maybe I would understand me.
I had no idea what I was doing anymore. I just needed a friend right now.

My head was down, facing the leaves, when I heard them cracking under someone’s shoes.

“Hey…” her voice made me raise my head. I could definitely hear concern on that short greeting. She must know by now how Jimmy has lost his mind, right?

“Hey…” I wanted to say how glad I was she could come but… nothing positive wanted to come of out my mouth. I had nothing good to offer inside of me.

Mei gave a few shy steps towards the bench and finally sat by my side. I sensed her perfume again and it made me promptly remind of that dream I had.

“So… the proposal didn’t work out, huh?”

“Nah, it didn’t… But I should’ve known better…” I shrugged and looked down. I felt normal around her. She didn’t treat me like a sick person or a manic depressive weirdo like the others.“How was your Christmas day?”

“Not so Christmas-like. I was homesick. Never spent a holiday away from my family in Germany so… yeah.”

“Oh… it must be hard for you. Being that far away.”

“Yeah, sometimes it is. But I heard you weren’t having the easiest times either, right?” I saw her face turning to me and I could feel her eyes wanting me to stare back at them. But I wanted to hide my emptiness from her as long as I could. The last thing I needed right now was her pity too.

“Yeah... it was more like what Christmas in hell would look like.” I snorted a painful laugh.

“I heard about this morning too. That you send your friends away and refused help. They are very shocked and… confused, I guess.”

“Well, I wouldn’t expect less. They wanna force me to live the way they want me to live. I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of hiding my feelings…”

“And what are they?”

I inhaled deeply and moved my head to face her, just to see if she was ready to hear it. Then I looked away again.

“I wanna live like I always did. I don’t wanna change to fit into this new reality. I can’t change, Mei. And I know this is gonna coast all my relationships with everyone I love. I’m already losing everyone. And someday you all will just get tired of my stubbornness and turn your backs, I’m sure. And I’ll never learn…” I shrugged.

I faced her again and noticed she didn't get critical or offended by my words as I thought she would be. Or if she was, she knew how to hide her feelings very well.

“You know, Jimmy… You’ve won a second chance. You know that most people don’t get that shot. So I think you should give a little more thought about your decision. Life is too precious to be considered in just a few hours of desperate conclusions, don’t you think?”

I heard her words staring into her brown eyes. She wasn’t judging me, she wasn’t begging me to do what she thought was right. She was just saying her opinion. And surprisingly, it meant a lot to me.

“Yeah, I guess I need more time to think about it. But right now, what I need the most is for them to stay away. I need a break from their pressure, you know? I gotta relax some days, enjoy life again, and then think about what to do next.”

“Yeah, that is definitely a good way to organize your thoughts again. I can help you with that. Just tell me where you wanna go, what you wanna do. I was hoping someone could show me around town one of these days. What you think?” she smiled slightly and that made my heart pound a little faster somehow. It’s been a long time since I felt that with someone else other than Emily.

“Yeah, we could definitely do that. But… I already talked to some old friends and… I’m throwing a party tomorrow. In my house. That’s the best way I can think of having fun like the old times. You should come.” my time to smile, inviting her to my eyes again. But she wasn’t so happy with my invitation somehow.

“I don’t know… I’m not much of a crazy party person.”

“It’ll be just a fun New Year’s celebration. Nothing much.”

Our eyes talked for a while and I hoped she could see I wanted her there. And I needed her there.

“Okay… I’ll think about it.” She smiled again. This time a bigger smile. A brighter one.

Hypnotizing one.

So hypnotizing that when I noticed my heart jumping in my neck, I was already tasting her lips and her striking smell was invading my nostrils like crazy. She backed out at first but then she let me in slowly. And as our tongues danced, my bad thoughts were melting away from my mind one by one. But when Emily’s image crossed my sight, something pulled me back instantly.

I stepped away and ended the kiss abruptly, standing up and shaking my head. Mei’s face was unreadable.

“I’m… I’m so sorry, I…” I brushed my face and my hair, not really knowing what to say. “I’m feeling so lonely and…”

“It’s… it’s okay, Jimmy, really. It’s fine. You don’t need to apologize.” Her cheeks were very red and she wasn’t facing me anymore.

Fuck!! Why do I always have to screw everything up? The last thing I wanted was to push her away too.

“I… I should go…” I gave a few steps waiting for her to look at me again but she never did it. So I turned my back and walked away. But not before turning again to remember her. “My house, tomorrow, 9 pm. I’ll be waiting for you.”

Turned again and finally left.

Notes

well... the chapter title says it all...
Were you expecting this sudden kiss? xD I bet one of you was =p hahaha

This is for you Meeei, as I promised, hope you're feeling better today! <3

Tell me about what's coming neeext...
Well... yeah... it's ending! You know that. So... get tight on your seats and enjoy the rollercoaster ride =p