I locked all the house doors and took all the spare keys with me. He left his house keys with me last night so I knew he didn’t have them. Took a deep breath and climbed up the stairs, trying to get ready to face him again.

When I reached our bedroom door, I heard the shower on. Collected all his clothes he left on the ground, unwrinkled them and placed on the bed as I sat there, waiting for him. He took a very long shower. I was about to go inside the bathroom when I finally heard the shower turning off. When he walked out of the bathroom, he was all dressed up and pacing towards the door, ready to leave, I bet. And I had to use my best arguments to convince him to stay now.

I ran to the door and stood in his front when he was about to open it. He was always averting my eyes, and that was killing me.

“Jimmy, just… don’t leave yet.” I let my palms slid on his chest like I could bring him back to me but I knew it wouldn’t be that easy this time. “Look… We’ve been together for more than a year. I slept on that damn hospital couch for two months, waiting for you to wake up. I took care of you like I never did with anyone else, not even with myself. And right now I’m here, just asking you one thing. One thing. Please, stay here and talk to me, that’s all I’m asking. Don’t run away again.”

He finally raised his eyes to mine and I made sure he could see my despair and my concern. And I could see all his sorrow.
He tried to turn the doorknob even when I was standing there and I held his hand in mine.

“You’re gonna have to hurt me very badly if you wanna get out.” I turned to the door, locked it and placed the key in my pocket. “I mean it.”

I knew he could get the keys of his room, of his house from me whenever he wanted, I could never stand a chance if he really wanted to steal the keys. But I had to try it. I just had to.
He took a very deep breath and moved out of the door, heading to sit on the bed.

“Why do you need me here anyway?” he grumbled.

“We need to talk. I need to understand what happened last night. Why did you leave? Why did you go to that… place again? What’s wrong?” I never hid my concerned tone.

“Everything is wrong. And I’m just dumb enough to figure it out after a year I first met you…”
He was going to attack me until I give up, wasn’t he?

“Okay, right, everything is wrong. There’s nothing good in your life right now. So the next step is to start thinking about a way to fix things. And not about your next fix.”
He shook his head and snorted a laugh in a mockingly way.

“It’s too late for that now…”

God… this tough love technique wasn’t working out with him. So it was time to go for the sweet and lovingly begging technique.

I paced towards him and sat on the floor to make eye contact, holding his hands on his legs. I knew exactly how was to be that hopeless, that numb and that mad at life and everyone. But the hardest part is to find a way and the words to make that feeling go away. I had to figure out how, like Brian somehow did to me. And all I wished is that he was here right now to back me up.

“Babe, listen to me. That voice in your head telling it’s over, I had that one too. It was over and over again tormenting my mind through almost all my life. And it went louder this year, until I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I would be doing a favor to the world if I’d just get it over with. So I had it all prepared. I filled the syringe with four doses, enough to give me a fatal OD. And I could just simply have pushed the plunger entirely. But I didn’t, I couldn’t. I have no idea what held me that night but something did. Call it a bigger force, God, or whatever. I’m actually grateful for that now. But I don’t want you to get to that point.” I held his hand tighter. He seemed to be listening at least. “Just be wiser than me. Fight this. If I won this, if that voice in my head is almost mute now, you can do this too. You just can’t give up before even trying. Give a chance to yourself. Let’s go to Hawaii, they will help you there, you won’t need to get through everything I went through, you won’t be sick all the time and it’ll all be over before you know it. Trust me on this, just once.”

He was silent for a while. His eyes weren’t telling me what I wanted to know. I hadn’t gotten through to him like I always did before.

“I’m not strong enough.”

“Yes, you are. You just need to give yourself a chance. I’m here to help you with that.” His eyes ran from mine but I caught them again when I shook his hands. “Please, try for you. Try for me.”

I could tell he was fighting too much with his thoughts.

“I guess I can try.” He gulped hard and a frown built on his forehead. “What’s next then?”

“I’ll try the impossible to book our flights for tomorrow instead of 28th. It will be a long shot at this
time of the year but I can try. In the meantime, we should try to keep you clean. The first night is always tough, but there’s always a way to minimize the symptoms, we can get you some methadone tomorrow. I’ll be here with you all the time. Do you think you can do that? Do you think you can try to stay here with me tonight?”

He massaged his face and shrugged. Then nodded.

“Is it gonna hurt?”

“I gotta be honest with you. It is. But if you handled two months in coma, you can handle this.” I tried to be as assured as possible. He needed that safety.

“Okay… let’s do this.”

That was the first time I felt like smiling that day.

---

Matt was staring for too long at his cellphone, ignoring the several missed calls from Val and only expecting for Kim’s number to appear on the screen. It was almost dinner time and she hadn’t called yet, as she promised she would, and that was bugging him a lot. When his phone finally rang, he ran into almost everything that was in his way to get to it, having that slight hope it was her. But it was Brian instead.

“Hey man, what’s up?”

“Hey. I don’t know if you heard about Jimmy and…”

“Did you find him?”

“Yeah, we did find him. In a freaking alley, with I don’t know how many junkies there, getting high all night. He reached the bottom this time, Matt. And he’s all against me and Emily now. We need to do something.”

“I’m not very surprised that he’s against you and Emily and you shouldn’t be either. We all saw that coming, man. You two keep messing with his feelings.”

“What? Yeah, okay, I screwed up last night, I told her about the proposal that, by the way, YOU were supposed to stop me from doing it. But I don’t think he knows I told her. Where the fuck were you anyway?”

“I was tired and went to bed early but this is not about me. We need a better plan.”

“What do you suggest, genius?” Brian was very ironic. Matt always thought he had the answers for everything and that was very annoying in his opinion.

“I can make some calls and try to find the best clinic for him here, in California, closer to us. I’ll tell them it’s an emergency and we should take him tomorrow morning. What you think?”
Brian took a deep breath.

“I think it’s the best option we have so far. We can’t get sooner flights to Hawaii, so we better act here and now. I’ll talk to Emily.”

“I think it’s best if we keep Emily out of this, okay? We’ll be there in the morning to pick him up and that’s it, she won’t even have time to protest. We need to do what’s best for him now.”

“Okay, you’re right. I’ll be here to keep him from running away until tomorrow. Emily is talking to him inside the house. He just threw me out but it’s fine, I understand him...”

“Anything you need, call me. I’ll be there at 9 am tomorrow.”

“Deal. See you.”

As soon as Matt hung up, his fingers dialed Kim’s number automatically. Now he had a very good reason to call her. But she took forever to answer.

Dear God ringing

“Mei, can you please tell him I’m in the shower or something?” Kim brought her loud cellphone to Mei in her room but she didn’t pick it up.

“Nope.” She only shook her head.

“Oh c’mon! You’re still mad at me?”

“Yeah, kinda. You could’ve sent me a text or something…”

“Oh god, I explained this to you a thousand times! It was a heat of the moment thing, we didn’t even have time to breathe or think straight. Well… maybe we did, when I asked him what we were doing and he tossed his ring on the toilet…” Kim remembered the scene and the passionate look on his eyes and almost lost track of thoughts again. Mei had her arms crossed, not very surprised with any of her words “We just couldn’t make an announcement for everyone like: Hey, we are about to fuck senselessly until morning! Don’t wait for us!”

Mei pursed her lips and changed the way of that subject:

“You gotta talk to him… You left him like that, he must be thinking he did something wrong!”

“I’ll wash your clothes and clean your bedroom for a whole month! Please! Pick up for me!” Kim was almost on her knees.

“It’s just… hard to see your friend dumping you over a guy, I won’t lie to you.” Mei walked out of her bedroom and then came back quickly. “But I might forget about it if you just PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE AND TALK TO HIM!”

Kim puffed air and finally placed the phone on her ear.

“Hey… Matt.” Kim motioned for Mei to leave her own room and she closed the door on her friend’s face, which made her frown and get even angrier.

“Hey… I just wanted to tell you Emily found Jimmy. He’s in a pretty bad shape, as Brian told me. And I guess we’re gonna have to do something about it now. Quick.”

“You mean he’s… back on drugs again?”

“Yeah…”

“Oh god… that’s terrible, Matt. I’m sorry.” He voice was much friendlier now.

“We’re gonna talk to him tomorrow and let’s see what he wanna do.”

“Let’s hope he accepts help this time.”

“Yeah... Can I ask you something?” he cleaned his throat and Kim waited for his next words. “Why did you leave like that? I mean… did I… did I do something wrong?” Mei was right. He was blaming himself. That was the last thing she wanted.

“No, it’s not you, Matt… It’s that I… when you left the bed to go answer the door, your phone buzzed in your nightstand. It was Valary. And when I noticed the several missed calls from her last night and this morning, it all came to me.”

“But… I told you it’s over.”

“But you still didn’t talk to her about it, otherwise she wouldn’t be calling you on Christmas night and then in the morning and then hundred times during the night.”

He was silent for a while.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I need to talk to her. We need closure.”

“Then we can… pick up where we left off.” They both smiled at the phone, thinking about how hot their morning was about to start when the doorbell rang. “Let’s do this right, Matt. I would hate to hurt somebody else in the process, you know?”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t like that either. I’ll talk to her. Then I’ll call you, okay?”

“Okay. Keep me posted about Jimmy, alright?”

“Yep, I will, don’t worry. See you then?” she could feel his dimpled smile through the line.

“See you.”

And now her heart was much quieter. So was her conscious.

“Mei! Come over here…” when her friend opened the door and got inside her room, she showed a concerned glare. “It’s Jimmy…”

---

Night – 25th December, 2009

‘She lights a candle
But she doesn't know why
She wants to save me
But I'm barely alive
My soul is thirsty, I just wanna get high
And make her go away’

Why… why was I doing this?

Someone remember me, cause I didn’t seem to hear my thoughts when I was throwing up all my empty guts in the toilet for the past half hour. I never thought I could feel that sick. But if there’s something I learned in life is that things can always get worse, no matter how fucked up they seem.

“Jim… please, just let me in… It’s okay.” she knocked on the locked bathroom door.

I couldn’t answer. I knew if I try to talk to her, I would be treating her very badly. And I couldn’t just push away the only person that cares enough to stay by my side right now. Maybe she didn’t love me enough but she was still here.

Why… why was she still here? – Another stomach contraction and even my vision blackened this time.

Then I remembered. I must have something hidden in one of those vials inside the cabinet. I stood up from the floor, my legs trembling and weakening at each step I took towards the sink. I ignored my pale and morbid reflection in the mirror and opened the cabinet door, checking every single medicine I had there. Opened all the vials like crazy, throwing it all around. Like an… obsessive… addict.

Addict. That’s right. I didn’t need a mirror to see what I really am now.

I checked everywhere, all the stuff I had in that bathroom. And it was completely cleaned. There was not even dust I could snort on. Yeah… she was definitely prepared for this. And I wasn’t.

“James? Are you okay? Why is it so quiet in there?”

By the sound of her voice I threw the last empty vial I checked in the sink and closed my eyes. I wasn’t sure what was consuming me more, the sickness or this fury inside me. Was I… was I hating her now? Because she just called me by my name, something she only did when she was truly in love with me?

“Just leave me alone…” I mumbled to myself through gritted teeth.

I let some water refresh my face, brushed my teeth and finally drag myself out of the bathroom, to find Emily sitting in the ground, her back in the wardrobe, facing me. I never saw her that concerned than on these last hours we were stuck in that room.

Why couldn’t I just feel like it was enough? Why?

“Feeling better now?”

“No. Never felt worse in my whole life.” I let my body slid on the bathroom door and sat on the floor close to her. “I was checking on every vial for any trace of a damn pill or something I could snort and feel better there. It’s funny how… how I can see clearly who I am now.” I sounded defeated even for my own ears.

“No, it’s not who you are. It’s a condition you’re in. And you’re getting out, you gave the first step. Don’t push so hard.”

“You sound like a therapist or something…”

“Not really. I told you exactly what I heard from my sponsor the first time I met her. Her name is Susan. She’s been sober for thirty years now.”

My eyes widened quickly.

“I like her name. Very strong one.”

“Yeah, she’s a very strong woman. She’s been through a lot either. You should know her.” By the intention of her voice, I knew where she was taking that conversation.
I breathed violently. My temper was shortening.

“Stop it… I’m not doing this.”

“I can call her to come here and talk to you. She might open your eyes.”

“Emily… I told you I’m not…”

“I guess she’s giving a lecture on the NA center today. Why don’t we just go there and…”

“STOP IT, OKAY?? I’M NOT GOING TO A PLACE LIKE THAT EXCEPT IF YOU WANT ME TO JUMP OF A CLIFF AFTER.” I stood up quickly and felt my head spinning but I didn’t give a damn. I just wanted to release all that rage on whatever was in my way.

“How can you have that much hate for a place you never went to?” She stood up too, coming closer. And I could tell she wasn’t picking up a fight. But I was. “Please, you’ll feel better. You’ll see you’re not the only one in this road… Please. They teach you how to understand your flaws and how to see you’re just human, that you are allowed to make mistakes sometimes.”

She came closer and closer and she was about to touch my arm when I diverted and stepped away. The pain in my muscles was starting to hit me hard again and that combined with her annoying insistence would make me burst out if she didn’t stop.

‘Now I'm hitting the wall
And she begs me to quit
And she drags me to church
But I'm scared to commit
And I'm losing my mind
Cause she hides all my shit
She won't go away’

“Jimmy, all I’m trying to do is to help you but you gotta let me help you, okay?”

“Stop talking for a minute, please.” She kept going. Her words were scrambled in my head. My head was killing me and I didn’t know how to make it stop. “Please.” I didn’t know how to make anything stop. “SHUT THE FUCK UP, FOR GOD SAKE!!”

When I noticed what I was doing, my hand was in extreme pain. My knuckles were not only red but bleeding out this time. I punched the damn bathroom door for countless times. Until the pain in my hand was the only thing I could feel. The other kinds of pain were much less present. And the room was dead silent again.

---

After I put some ice on my right hand, I felt drained out. I finally was able to sleep for some time and woke up with a great smell of soup invading the room and some muttering outside.

“…yeah, I think he needs to talk to someone. He doesn’t understand his problem, Susan. It’s like I’ve been talking to a wall this whole time. And I’m getting desperate now, you know. I feel powerless, I have no words left. I can’t get through to him… Okay, I’ll be waiting for you here. Thank you so much for doing this. I just hope he’ll listen to you…”

My eyes filled with tears somehow. She was trying so hard to save me and… I didn’t wanna be saved. That energy, that will to live I had while I was in coma was completely gone now. I felt like I was already dead inside. And I had no idea how to tell her that.

I didn’t wanna keep trying. I was trying only cause she asked me. So what was the point of talking to someone by this time of the game? Nothing would change.

When Emily walked back to the room, I closed my eyes quickly again and pretended I was asleep. But I noticed the soup smell was getting closer now. I heard her placing the plate on my nightstand and I decided to open my eyes. She showed me a half pitiful smile.

“Hey… how are you feeling?” she sat by my side on the bed and held my hand.

“A little better than before, I guess.”

“Do you think you can eat? I made a soup my mom used to make me when I was sick. It used to work like a miracle to me.”

“Okay… I can try… in a while.” I just turned my back to her and tried to fight the churning in my stomach that was starting now.

When I closed my eyes, I felt her warmness touching me and lying behind me. Her arm fell on me and pulled me against her slowly. Her hot breath in my neck made my heart jump with no reason. And apparently that was the only thing that could make me feel alive now.

“I don’t wanna go to a meeting with you cause I know I’ll be recognized there. Then the press will be at my door next day.” I finally was able to say something truthful to her again.

“We can always hide you with a beanie and glasses…” she mumbled close to my ear and I had to hold her arm on mine. “I mean, there’re ways you won’t get recognized.”

“It’s not only that… it’s because I’m not able to keep a promise either. I can’t commit to something like that, Emily. And I can’t even look at myself in the mirror and face the monster I became. I can’t talk about my life to other people knowing they probably have sadder and rougher lives than mine and I’m just a…” I stopped there. I didn’t know what I was anymore.

“Jim… it’s not how it works there. It’s not a ‘who has the saddest life’ competition. It’s about sharing and understanding your problems through other people’s life experiences. It’s about helping each other. Getting inspired and letting the heavy lift out of your chest.”

“I wouldn’t feel comfortable…”

“You don’t need to share. You can just listen. I almost never talked with anyone in the beginning. Then later on you feel compelled to go there and challenge yourself. And it feels so good once you finally do it. Cause no one’s problem is taken for granted there.”

I let her sentence fly inside my thoughts and I ended up falling asleep again.

---

4 a.m. – 26th December

‘And all I ask of her is…’

“Just… pray for me. Cause I really can’t do that right now.”

My whole body hurt in an excruciating way. I had no position in the bed. I was gripping the pillow so hard my hand was getting weak. It was way more than I had asked for.

“Tomorrow morning I’ll talk to Jason and ask him where we can get some methadone. It’ll ease
the pain and you’ll be able to handle it until we leave to Hawaii, okay?” she caressed my forehead and felt my temperature. “In the meantime you can take some Tylenol for the fever.”

“It’s useless, Emily…”

‘Pray for me, cause I don't want to
Pray for me, if you love me
Cross your heart and hope
that I won't die before
the best day of my life’

“You know… I’ve been trying this for you. It’s only for you I’ve been puking my guts out and handling this pain in my muscles like I was about to die. I’ve been playing the nice guy, the one who wants to fight his demons and turns into another survival statistic and it’s all because of you.” I spat the whole thing while I was standing up and going to the bathroom. I was getting sick again and leaned on the door, hoping it would just go away.

“What… what are you talking about?”

“When I was in coma, the pictures I had of you and me starting a family, having kids and living together never left my thoughts, not one day. That was the main reason I had this strength to come back, I guess. I had this perfect image of life inside of my head with you. But life isn’t always like you expect it to be, right? Sometimes people just don’t love you back and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”

“Jimmy, I never said I don’t love you. Why you keep saying that?” her hand touched my back and I sat on the floor against the bathroom door again.

She held me the Tylenol with a glass of water and I rolled my eyes before taking it and swallowing.

“That’s who I am, Emily!! And you don’t love this version of me. You only loved this screwed up, junkie part of me when you were just as screwed up and hooked up on heroine as I am. You can’t accept this is my way of living now!”

“Jimmy, things have changed, okay? Your heart is weaker, for God’s sake! You can’t keep having that same lifestyle as before. It’ll get you killed before you even begin to think about starting a family with me. I can’t live with the thought of losing you every day!”

“So this is not about you wanting me to be someone else?”

“No! I want you to be healthy and safe again!”

“And what if I say I can’t actually be healthy and safe? What if I say I don’t want to try anymore?”

A long trace of silence permeated the room. I saw the perplexity that was overflowing her eyes right away when I finally told her the truth. I felt like dying inside but I was lucid enough to know what I was saying.

“Then this is my cue to pack my stuff and leave. For good. Cause you’re breaking our deal and… you’re… you’re giving up…” she sounded out of breath and lost. “And I don’t know what else to say to convince you. I tried everything, God, I’ve tried…” her eyes were full of tears now and her voice was disappearing and cracking. But I couldn’t back out on my speech now.

“I can’t do this, Emily. I don’t wanna stop living my life.”

“I thought we were in this together. I thought…”

“No! You’re in a very different page than I am right now. Let’s be honest.”

“So… that’s it? What about all the stupid love speeches? That promise we would be enough for each other crap? It’s all gone now? You’re just gonna throw that all away?” I stood up again and paced around the room, impatiently.

“I love you. I do. But I’m clearly not enough for you. And if you can’t accept me the way I am, I feel like I have to move on. I have to find someone that does.” Her surprised and hurt eyes were never more glued in mine than now. Her mouth was ajar.

I just kept going cause I knew I was doing the right thing. She was the love of my life but I had to set her free permanently this time. For my sake and for hers.

Yes, I was really breaking up with her. Again. And for the completely wrong reasons, I know. But that was the only shot I had of keep living like I wanted to. And I was feeling strangely better physically somehow.

“Okay. I’ll start packing then.” I could tell she was done trying. She was so surprised she had no words anymore.

She just pulled her bag out of the closet and started placing her stuff there again as I watched. I blocked all kinds of feelings I might have in the meantime. Cause I knew she would stay if I showed any signs I regretted my decision. And I could never regret this time. I had to let her go seek her own happiness. Cause I already knew what my true happiness was…

“Is this really what you want?” she couldn’t hide her teary eyes anymore. It was getting harder and harder to let her go. Like an organ was taken out of me.

“Yeah.” I gulped and just answered without looking into her eyes, or I would just burst. “And just tell Brian he can go sleep in his house. I don’t need babysitting.”

“Just so you know…” she mumbled, her bags in hand, ready to leave my room and my house. “I’m not giving up on you!”

She didn’t stay a minute more. She crossed my bedroom door and then I heard the front door slamming. And so it slammed my heart into pieces.

I was alone again, as I feared the most. With the thoughts. With the cravings. But very assured I did the right thing.

It was time to taste how life worked without Emily. And without a care.

‘Just pray for me tonight’

Notes

Well...long time to post, longer chap! ;)
Soooo... wanna know your thoughts about this.
Please...try to listen to the song?? =p


Song by: Sixx:Am - Pray For Me