I was shooting my third dose of that chilly winter night when I decided it was too silent to bear my mind. I turn on the radio and let the stupid songs fill in my ears but not really my thoughts. I couldn’t hide from them anymore. I couldn’t just pose as the renewed and flawless Jimmy everyone expects me to be. I felt too much pressure on my shoulders.

So I had this constant need to let the thoughts fly away for a while. That happens exactly between the time you force the needle inside your vein, push the plunger lingeringly to let the major ecstasy last longer and a few more minutes of complete peace and silence inside your head until they come back, one by one. They always come back to torture me. No matter how many times I shoot up.

“…You love this shit more than you love me…”

Yes, you do. And you just keep proving it over and over again to yourself. For how much long will you be able to lie to me like this, huh? How much more can you take? Two more kicks? Maybe three? On the forth you’ll probably be hanging by a thread.

Throwing out your second and only chance like it was nothing. NOTHING.

“…She deserves someone that can make her happy, understand her and love her every day…”

Yeah, that’s right, Jimmy. I just gave you a description of me so you can feel completely bad about yourself. I’ve always been there for her. Where were you when she was withdrawing, huh? Where were you when that guy tried to rape her? Huh?

You were drowning your sorrows in a full syringe, weren’t you?

Just like you’re doing now.

You disgust me.

“…So... can you do that? Can you be that man?..."

You know you can’t. Just stop trying, man. She loves ME. And that’s the only reason you didn’t ask her today. Cause you can feel it when she kisses you and when she’s making love to you. You can feel she’s not completely there.

And you know damn well where she is.

It wasn't just my conscious voice yelling and scolding at me with that British accent now. Not even my own. It was Emily, it was Brian, it was everyone I love. And they were so loud in my head this time, as if I knew exactly what they wanted to tell me or what they were thinking. I couldn’t even hear mine anymore. I turned up the radio volume but it wouldn’t overpass them. Was I going insane?

“…How many times I’m gonna have to ask you to break up with him?...”

That’s right. I’ve asked her too many times. In fact, I asked her again tonight. But you know what? It’s not even necessary anymore. You’re doing the entire job by yourself.
You’re losing her. All. By. Yourself.

“…Yes, Jimmy. I fell in love with him. Deeply. I won’t lie to you anymore...”

Why did you even bother to ask me that? You knew. Since that time I called his name while making love to you. You knew this was coming!
Can’t you see you’re the only obstacle to my happiness? Are you that blind and selfish?

“…Promise me we won’t need anything else but each other. Promise me it’ll be enough, Jim…”

Yeah, you broke that promise. But you know I did that too.

You’ll never be enough, Jimmy. You’ll never be good enough.

You’re not Brian. And you’ll never be him. Stop trying!

“FUCK THIS!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I just opened my car door, feeling suffocated, and stepped out. I had no idea where I was, my sight was too blurred to pinpoint and my mind was too slow to remember, but I could see beams of light around me, even though it was very dark. It seemed like other cars around. And I bet they were doing the same as I was in that filthy dead-end street.

I didn’t have a jacket with me but I felt very warm, like there was a blanket covering me inside. I was getting dizzy while glancing around so I just sat to the floor and let my back and heavy head rest on the outside of my car.

A few tears slid from my eyes (no one was looking anyway) when I realized how I despised myself. I once had everything in my hands but nothing compared to that fast-as-the-speed-of-light moment when I’m shooting that thing inside my veins. So yeah, I don’t deserve shit. That’s exactly the end I deserve.

After all of this… I still couldn’t wait for my next rush.

This spot in hell’s where I belong.

---

Several knocks on the door, very early in the Christmas morning.

“What the hell…” a very drowsy Matt appeared on his door, on his boxers only, and grimaced at me. He better not try to throw his temper at me now. I haven’t slept all night pacing around looking for Jimmy. I would definitely call him to a fist fight if he asks for it.

“Hey… Is Jimmy there?” I cut to the chase, trying to look inside his house through the door but he went out and closed it with a frown.

“No... not really… Why should he… be here exactly?”

I had to face the ground. Matt would probably think it was all my fault he was gone. But this time, it just wasn’t.

“After we left your house last night, he left me in his house and drove away. And he hasn’t come back ever since.” I tried to hide my uneasiness but I bet it was stamped on my eyes.

“Did you guys fight?” Matt’s frown only grew.

“I don’t know. I wouldn’t call that a fight but… he didn’t seem happy to me.” I would never tell Matt what happened. He would start jumping into conclusions and that was the last thing I needed now. People against me.

“Well… He’s done that before, you know. He disappears sometimes. And we never know where he’s been. Once he spent a week away, never returning our calls and so… We thought he was dead.”

“So… what am I supposed to do now?”

“I think you should wait. Once he clears his mind, he’ll be back.”

“I don’t know, Matt… He was weird last night. I don’t trust him out there. I don’t want him to do something stupid.”

“Let’s wait today, okay? If he doesn’t show up, we start searching.”

“I’m gonna keep looking. I still didn’t go to Brian’s. Maybe he went there…”

“I doubt it. But if you find him, give me a call, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” Matt was almost getting inside his house when I decided to ask. “Hey Matt, where were you last night? You disappeared on us!”

He showed me a smirk that he tried to hide quickly and answered.

“I was lying down. Didn’t feel like partying…” he pursed his lips and got inside. I could tell he was definitely lying, but not down.

My next stop was at Brian’s.

---

“Who was it?” Kim asked, all dressed up with her dress from last night and ready to go. Matt just regretted he had left her alone for five minutes and she wasn’t naked anymore.

“It was Emily. Jimmy is making one of his disappearances again and she’s searching for him.”
Kim opened her eyes wide and frowned after.

“He does that a lot? Disappear?”

“Pretty much…”

“Oh so… you’re telling me we shouldn’t worry about him?”

“Well… yeah.” He knew he sounded insensitive but he knew Jimmy. Kim gave an unsure nod, moved her eyes from his and found her purse in hands.

Why was she acting awkward after all we shared last night? – Matt questioned himself then.

“Hey… where are you going? Let’s have some breakfast in bed.” He smirked.

“Hmm I… I don’t think it’s a good idea, Matt. I’d…” she didn’t seem at all like the daring woman he undressed last night. She seemed guilty and shy now. “I’d better go. I’ll call you later, okay?” she fixed her heels one last time and walked towards the door.

He heard that sentence before. And it sounded as much as a lie as in the other time.
He didn’t say anything back. He had no idea what he had done wrong to make her go away. So he just paced to the door and opened it. She half-smiled to him and vanished without a goodbye kiss.

Matt turned his back and leaned it on the door, beating his head there several times and whispering:

“FUCK, FUCK, FUCK…”

---

I hesitated a hundred times before finally ringing Brian’s doorbell. Because of Jimmy, I had to be on his door too many times lately. But I knew I had to find him. And I knew Brian would be the only one worried and involved enough to help me.

He took a long while but I finally heard the door opening. He was probably too hangovered right now.

“What the fuck do you want now? It’s eight in the morning!” he couldn’t even open his eyes to the clarity outside and his voice was very hoarse. He was only on his boxers too.

“I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t important, okay?” I brushed my hair back. I should’ve known better he would treat me that way. “Jimmy left me in his house last night and didn’t come home yet. I wondered if he’s…”

“Nope, he didn’t come here. He didn’t even talk to me last night. At least what I remember of it…” he frowned, trying to think. “Wait a minute… Wasn’t he supposed to…”

“Yeah, to propose me, as you warned me. But no, he didn’t. Instead, he asked me a very different question and didn’t actually enjoy my answer. We didn’t even have time to fight…”

“Okay, spare me the details, my head is killing me… When you find him you give me a call…” he was about to close the door on me when I had to step closer and speak louder and clearer.

“Hey! I just told you he’s gone! Why people don’t seem to give a shit about it? He’s not in his friends’ houses, he’s not anywhere! I would never expect you wouldn’t give a damn about your best friend like the others!”

He let his head rest on his door and puffed a violent gush of air. He stared at me for a little while, upset still, like trying to decide between the hate he was feeling and his friend sake, and seemed to finally understand how serious I was.

“I’m gonna go get dressed and we can go look for him.”

I breathed in relief, nodded and entered his house to wait on his living room.

---

"We've searched everywhere, Emily. I don't think he wants to be found." Brian finally spoke after the awkward silence that was built on his car since the time we left his house.

After an hour or so of going to everyone’s houses and bothering people on Christmas morning, my heart was squeezing more at each empty street we drove through. We didn’t stop to his parents’ house so they wouldn’t get too worried, we just drove by and checked if his car was anywhere around. It wasn’t.

"Maybe he's... well, there's a part of me that refuses to believe he would go there but... now I think that's where he is. It's a junkie street at the end of South Gate. We used to go there to score. It's the only place we still didn't look." I glanced at Brian very seriously and worried and he got that message. We had to check there.

As he drove, Brian decided to ask:

“If he didn’t propose, what did he ask you anyway?”

“Now you wanna know?” I threw him a corner of the eye look and looked away. “He asked me if I could ever love him the way I love you…” had to clean the lump in my throat after saying that.

“Oh…” that not-so-surprised exclamation was the only thing that came out of his mouth.

Nothing more came after that. We quickly arrived to that street I was talking about and Brian stopped the car near.

“Wow, there’re a lot of cars in there.” Brian analyzed.

“Yeah… there’re a lot of junkies in California. Welcome to your worst nightmare.” I stepped out of the car and begun to glance around for Jimmy’s Impala.

I couldn’t see the cars parked in the end of the street so we had to walk there. The sidewalks were full of syringes, needles and little tubes besides the normal trash. There were a few people sitting or lying in the ground, even though it was cold. We could see people passed out in and outside their cars, moaning or talking nonsense. But when my eyes actually caught that unique Impala parked in there, I started to feel my heart beating in my throat.

“Brian… his car… over there…” I pointed as he seemed to be distracted with the vicious landscape around us and I saw him gulping hard.

We sped up towards the car and when we arrived there, we could see Jimmy was inside, on the driver’s seat, probably sleeping or passed out. I would only know when I open the damn door. Thankfully or not, I wasn’t sure, it was unlocked.

“Jimmy! Wake up!” I gave a few gentle slaps on his cheeks but his eyes were semi-opened. I knew that meant he was high as outer space and not just sleeping.

Syringe and heroine doses were spread all over the passenger seat. I checked his arm and saw at least four recent marks in there. He was freezing, he was pale. But his heart was beating and he was still breathing.

“Damn it, babe… Why are you doing this… why…?” I mumbled to myself, concerned as hell and tried to focus on what to do next. “Brian, can you help me take him to your car? He’s very cold here, he might have hypothermia.”

Only then I glanced up at Brian and saw how shocked he looked like. He was motionless, just trying to cope with what he was seeing in front of him.

“Brian, please, you saw me like this before. Don’t panic now, okay. I need you here!” I tried to get his attention back to focus.

“Okay, okay… he’s breathing, right?”

“Yeah, I think he’s okay… He’s just too high. C’mon, help me out here.”

We both moved him with difficulty to the backseat of his car and I noticed he was getting more conscious as I sat beside him. Brian sat on the driver’s seat and steered the car out of there, to stop closer to his car.

“Ems…? Is that…you?” he drawled as his eyes fought to open and his head moved anxiously
in my thighs. “I don’t… I don’t wanna hear them anymore… please…”

“Calm down, okay? Shhh, everything is gonna be okay now. Shhh…” I caressed his hair and he seemed to be quiet now.

“Is he okay?” Brian asked with a shaky voice.

“I dunno, Bri. He spent the night shooting up. Let’s just drive him home now, okay? We’ll figure out what to do then.”

He helped me drag him outside the car and leaned Jimmy’s arm on his shoulder to take him to his car cause there was a heater there. Jimmy could give a few steps by himself, he was coming back slowly, but he was still in a different planet. Where angels fear to tread.

---

“God, this is getting out of hand, Brian. After using that much he’s probably… hooked up again.”

I drag Brian to a place distanced of the couch on Jimmy’s living room and whispered after we placed him on his couch.

“You mean…”

“I mean his body needs that shit now. We should anticipate our leaving to Hawaii. He can’t control it. It’s more powerful than anything, Brian. You have no idea what it is like not to be able to have control. He needs a clinic now!”

“What if… what if we try the same thing we did with you. We can help him detox here, before the trip.”

“I don’t know if he would be willing to go through what I went through then. And I don’t know how much more his heart can take. My heart was healthy back then, it was different, and still, I almost died… We can’t risk it.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Why don’t we just try to keep him here, clean, as you try to anticipate your flight for… tomorrow maybe?”

“Well… I can only try but… it’s Christmas, Brian. It’s almost impossible to get a plane by now.”

“Okay. Let’s wait for him to wake up. Maybe he agrees to go to a clinic here.”

“Yeah it’s not the best idea but it’s all we…”

“What is he doing here?” Jimmy’s voice came out of nowhere and was lower than ever. It made me stop talking and promptly turn to face him.

He had finally woken up and was sitting on the couch, his elbows holding his head down. I glanced quickly at Brian.

“You disappeared, man. We’ve searched for you like crazy.” Brian tried to explain in a soft voice.

“Get out…” his words were calm but he was about to burst. I could tell.

We both walked closer to him and he still kept his head down. I was hoping he wouldn’t but he was finally turning against us. And I knew if that day would come, it would be the end of the line.

“Jimmy, you need help, okay? We’re your friends. We’re not your enemies.”

“Don’t you ever dare to say you were my friend this past year. You weren’t even close.”

I looked at Brian again and I noticed he was trying hard to find the right words there. But this would be impossible now. Jimmy would finish each and every attempt to speak to him.

“I know, Jimmy, I… I’m sorry. Please, believe me, I’d take it all back if I could. All I can do is just ask you to forgive me.”

“Just… shut up!” he snapped his head at him finally. “You don’t mean any of it.” His lips were barely moving. He was as cold as I never seen him before. “Get out…”

“Listen, Jimmy, I…”

“Get out of my house.” Their eyes locked and I was getting ready for the moment I would have to set them apart.

Brian didn’t try to speak again. He just kept staring on his friend’s cold petrified eyes.

“GET THE FUCK OUT!” Jimmy’s sudden shout was heard by the entire street easily as he stood up and pointed rudely to his door. I even had to close my eyes in fright.

Brian stood up too and never looked back before finally crossing the front door and slamming the door shut. I heard Jimmy’s deep breath and then he turned to me. Carrying his blue hurt eyes as his bomb.

“What are you waiting for to go after him?” his voice was back at the soft and yet perverse tone.

"Stop it.” I tried to reach closer. He pointed to the door again and I stopped.

“Just go ahead. Pack your bags and go. I don’t give a shit anymore. It all makes sense now. You two deserve each other...” he had so much contempt flowing out of his words.

“No, Jimmy! You can try to push everyone away as much as you can. But I’m not leaving you like this. I’m not!”

I thought I was finally penetrating that hatred wall in his heart when his brows twitched a little. But I was wrong this time.

“Fine. You can stay wherever you want. But I’m gonna do whatever I want with my life either, I’m gonna live the way I want to. And you’re not gonna stop me this time.”

He climbed the stairs, getting rid of his clothes from last night as I watched, speechless. There was not even a little bit of the Jimmy I first knew left on that body. He was completely changed, like something sharp and bitter had taken his soul. And this time I had no idea what could be my next plan.

I ran outside and saw Brian leaned on his car on the other side of the street, with hands on his pockets. I rushed to him and stated:

“I’m gonna try to lock him inside until we get that plane, and that is a promise. He’ll try to push us away with everything he got, but we won’t answer to any of it. And I’m gonna need your help here if he tries to leave. Can you do that?”

“Yes, I’m in it.”

“Okay. I’ll bring you something to eat later. Call the others to take turns with you.”

“Right. Anything you need, I’ll be here.”

“We’re gonna get him out of this, okay? We will.”

Brian nodded, with a very pale expression as his gaze fell to the ground and I went back home. Prepared to handle everything I knew Jimmy would have to go through now. Wanting or not.

Notes

Oh boy... Are they gonna succeed on their plan of keeping him inside?

Tell me whats on your mind ;)