“Wow, Jim... That’s some... great news!” Mei tried to show her best grin for that announcement but her effort was too much. She wasn’t happy to know he was proposing her. “Congratulations!” But she had to play that role. She was his friend after all.

He smiled in appreciation.

“I didn’t tell anyone but you and... Brian. You two are the only people I trust now, other than Emily. And well I’m a little nervous right now. It’s almost midnight and I still didn’t plan what I’m gonna say to her. And I definitely need to say the right thing tonight.” Jimmy had his palms sweating again as he stood up. He couldn’t sit still now.

He was having doubts about all of this through the week, since that day he couldn’t show up on Emily’s sobriety anniversary. He knew the odds of her answer not being what he wished for. He also knew she wasn’t completely in love with him like he wanted. And he wasn’t prepared to face the fact that she was happily sober and he was far from that. But the ring in his pocket was screaming louder than ever now. If he had bought that, it was a sign from his instincts, from his heart… Right?

“You shouldn’t worry too much about that. The words will come out once you’re finally standing in front of her. Believe me.” Mei half-smiled, trying to say the right thing. But she really wished she didn’t have to be that person right now.

She started to have feelings for Jimmy a while ago. She just cared too much about him, without any apparent rational explanation and that usually meant she was falling in love. But it didn’t matter anyway. All he could see in front of him was Emily, and her compassion, and her way of taking care of him. Everyone else was way behind to top that inside his heart.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right…” he walked towards the window and moved the curtain to take a look at the night sky. The dark landscape usually inspired him.

As soon as his gaze landed outside, he found two people he loved too much apparently having an argument, instead of only the peaceful and starry night sky he was looking for. He couldn’t hear what they were saying exactly, he could only hear their voices echoing in the distance, speaking loudly. Emily seemed angry. Brian was gesticulating.

Jimmy felt a twinge in his heart. Just now, he had figured out something. His conversation with Brian two weeks ago about the ring was a test. Even if he hadn’t really planned it that way. And there was the proof, right in front of him, that his best friend had failed him again. Just like that time he found his bandana on her bedroom or when they both escaped to be together behind his back.

He knew exactly what they were talking, he didn’t have to hear it. He could even tell what words and what tone Brian would choose to convince her not to marry him. And Jimmy knew Brian might have the exact right words and everything else he was lacking of now.

“Jimmy, are you listening to me?” Mei invaded his thoughts and he finally looked back to her at the sight of Emily pulling her hand out of Brian’s hold and walking away.

“Yeah I… I’m sorry, I was… distracted with something. What did you say again?”
She noticed he looked different now than a few seconds ago. Disturbed.

“Nothing important…” she smiled and he didn’t insist on knowing what it was. He just sat back on the couch and kept staring at the floor.

Million things rushing through his neurons.

---

Emily let go of the hold in his arms just to let her arms fall by her sides, astonished. She was experiencing a mix of strong feelings in her stomach, it was churning weirdly. She wasn’t sure if she should feel like the happiest woman in the world or like the most unfortunate one. But one thing she knew for sure, she wasn’t expecting this. Much less tonight.

“How did you...? When...? I mean... Are you sure?”

“God, if I’m sure... He asked me permission for it, damn it! He told me he knew about my feelings and... I told him I couldn’t imagine anyone better for you...” Brian brushed his hair back in despair, regretting every word he said that night. “How fucking stupid I am! I thought I could handle this! I thought I could just get you out of my heart, of my mind, of my life for good but... it turns out I can’t, Emily. I can’t!!”

“Brian, I...”

“No! Just listen to me for once! I love you, alright? And I know damn well how much you love me, I can see right through your ‘perfect’ disguise, no matter how many times you run away from me. You’ll never be complete with him. It will always feel like something is missing, exactly like how I felt with Michelle these past few weeks. Let me know if I’m wrong but I know I’m not.”

Her head never stopped shaking while he spoke. She knew every single word he said was right, she couldn’t lie to him at this point of the game. But there was more at stake.

“Please, Brian, don’t make this any harder than already is. I’ve explained my reasons a million times to you. I’m tired of this game. If he’s really asking me tonight, I’m gonna say yes, cause I know it will make him happy. Cause I know I can help him that way. I need to see him safe and back on his feet again. I owe it to him. That’s all I need to feel complete again. Please, just try to understand me…” she seemed very tired of that same argument all the time and at the same time very sad to be in that position.

“It’s not true. And you can only fool yourself thinking he will be happy by your side, knowing you can never love him like you love me. You said that yourself! If you marry him, you’ll make him and yourself miserable for the rest of your lives, is that what you want?” he tried to make her see that whole situation by a different angle, which she knew she was neglecting.

Emily glanced at his eyes and showed how much pain he was causing with those words now. He was playing low. And she had no arguments left for that kind of talk.

“Just... stay away from my life, please...” her voice cracked with tears.

“No! I can’t let you do this to us! Emily!!! Look at me!!!” she tried to walk back to the house but he held her wrist once, bringing her closer to him and finally sliding his hand to hold hers. “Please, babe... Don’t.” his lips brushed her ear almost insensibly. But she felt that very deep inside her. As hard as it was for her to resist him standing that close, he was using that as his last resort.

She looked once inside his eyes, intensely, like almost in a verge of changing her mind and choosing those arms as her home, but no. She just shook her head again with tears running like a river down her cheeks and pulled her hand away from his, like it was burning her skin.

He tried to hold her in his arms again but it was pointless. He could never force her to choose him. What was he thinking? Deep inside, he already knew her answer even before telling her.

“Just... stay away...” she pleaded in a very plaintive way. She promised she wouldn’t break his heart again. But he was forcing her to do that one more time.

“Em.” He mumbled one last time and suddenly the warmness her skin brought to his soul just abandoned him in the cruelest way.

The only thing he had in hands was his glass of whisky, and that’s what he just shot in the street with all his strength. The noise of the broken glass sounded exactly like his heart exploding in his chest. He had to scream with the top of his lungs to the stars and the sky above him, to release a little of the pain of rejection he was feeling once more. But nothing could really erase it now.

He had lost the war.

---

Few minutes to midnight

“Hey did you get the champagne? Where’s Matt? He was supposed to… Baah, nevermind. I’ll get it.” Johnny grumbled, pacing quickly to the kitchen, when they were gathering in the living room to finally start the Christmas feast together in the big table.

“Hey! I’m supposed to open the champagne, remember!!!” Zack ran straight to the fridge, passing by Johnny in a hurry, surpassing him. “The first glasses are mine and Jess’, man, I told you that.”

“No, you didn’t! You told Matt, probably.”

“Where’s he anyway?” Zack asked as grabbing the specific expensive bottle of champagne he had chosen himself for that night and the two new goblets he bought just for their toast.

“I don’t see him around for hours now. Maybe he went to sleep or something. He was looking like crap because of Val.”

“He wouldn’t just go to sleep before eating… Well, anyway… we gotta go back to the living room, it’s almost time.” Zack had red spots on his cheeks. Sweat was almost visible on his forehead. He was nervous as he never was before a concert.

Johnny noticed that and held him back.

“Hey, man, relax, alright? She already said yes, right? There’s nothing to worry about.”

“I know, it’s just… now it’s official! I’m not even sure what I’m gonna say to her… I… my mouth feels dry and my mind is just…” he was hectic.

“Breathe, just breathe. I learned this breathing technique while doing Lamaze classes with Lacey that I carry for life, c’mon, count with me, one…” he inhaled and Zack followed his instructions.

“Where’s the fucking champagne!!?? I need alcohol!! NOW!!” Brian screamed from the kitchen doorway, with bloodshot eyes and a demanding drunk stare at his two friends. “What the fuck are you two doing standing there, staring at each other like you’re about to kiss? Are you proposing Johnny instead?” Brian laughed of his own lame joke and was almost taking the bottle out of Zack’s hand when a firework exploded loudly outside.

“Keep your mouth shut, Haner! It’s time!” Zack took a deep breath, brushed his hands on his dress shirt, fixed his belt and hair and never let Brian take the bottle, ignoring him completely.

“Oh boy… Do I need to be a fucking bride to get something to drink around here?” he mumbled more to himself and the three of them left for the living room.

Brian dragged his body to the threshold and stayed there, watching his both friends going back to their women and all the joyful atmosphere circling the room. He wished he was unconscious not see what was coming. His misery was eating him alive along with the liquor.

The fireworks started to burst loud and unstoppably outside. Zack was holding Jess as close as possible to him when he finally popped the champagne open and the explosive noise made everyone start greeting each other through the room excitedly.

The first goblets to be filled were Zack’s and Jess’.

“Merry Christmas!!” the sentence most spoken and heard while all the people hugged and smiled and laughed and kissed and…

---

“Matt… I think it’s… midnight… now…” Kim had no more breath to speak. She was feeling her heart pounding heavily on every cell of her body, pulsing for the ecstasy he was providing her while he prodded her fast and hard on top of his bed. “We should be there…” she gasped, letting her head rest back on the pillow as his mouth lowered to her breasts.

Now they were listening to lots of muffled voices speaking together downstairs.

“All I need right now is here…” he mumbled on her ear and decelerated his hip pace, holding back his orgasm and hers for the tenth time. He really didn’t want it to end. “Merry Christmas…” he stopped completely to regain air as he held himself on the headboard of the bed.

“You better stop fooling around and give me my Christmas present once and for all, would ya...” she complained with urge and he held her thighs higher to restart his movements, deeper this time, with a chuckle.

“I’m here to please…” his seductive tone made her entire body throb.

He knew damn well what she wanted. And their fuss started all over again. This time for real.

---

“Our first Christmas together, huh?” Jess mumbled into Zack’s ear while he hugged her tight and took a long while to let go. “I never thought I would feel that happy again, babe. And it’s all because of you. Thank you for loving me.”

Zack gulped a stone in his throat and let her go. She was the one doing all the talking and he had no idea how to start his speech now. She had stolen a few of his words, weirdly.
Jess kissed him tenderly and as he made it last, he was thinking about the words he should say. But his mind threw blankness at him. He was panicking.

“Hey, I gotta give you your present… Wait here.” Jess ran from his arms and he held her hand.
“No… that can wait. I gotta give yours now…” Zack moved his shaking hand to his right pocket and showed her the silver ring to her amazed and glaring gray eyes. “Jessica Lockhart, will you marry me?” he was short and sweet like that.

People were still rushing and hugging around the room but the world had stopped moving for Jess when she saw how beautiful that engagement ring looked and how perfect it looked while her perfect man was holding it. She would never expect he would do that today. In fact, she thought he had forgotten about it. And now, the man of her dreams was standing right in front of her, asking the big question officially and she was speechless. She remembered she didn’t even say yes or no and he was still waiting, apprehensive as hell, for her reply.

“Please?” he had to beg so she could get out of her hypnotic state. She had to chuckle, as her eyes watered completely.

---

“Kim… I need to tell you something…” Matt whispered, out of breath.

“What…” she answered just as puffy. She was close and she had to concentrate.

“Brian is not the right man for Izzie, you know…” she chuckled as he pushed harder inside her, showing all his power and contracting muscles to her. “Matt will always be the right man for her. I hope you know that.”

She giggled more and only stopped because the violent climaxing feeling was taking over her entire body at once. There was no stopping, no turning back, no delaying this time. The most appetizing sex of her life was coming to an end.

Her body shrunk in his arms and he made sure their eyes were very locked when she finally let it happen. She was gasping air and tugging at his hair, letting her eyes roll over her head, as he gave his last push and felt the same relief she just felt.

“I know you are, Matt… I know…” she gasped those words on his ear and he embraced her
tighter, even when his arms were giving in.

They could both feel each other’s heart racing through their touching chests now. And nothing else around mattered anymore.

---

“My answer has never changed, blueberry. Of course I wanna marry you.” As soon as she finally accepted, the hugest grin spread on Zack’s lips and as relief filled him, he stole her in a hug and held her in the air.

Everyone noticed what was going on now and clapped their hands to that beautiful moment. Even Brian tried to smile, gulping his envy, but didn’t succeed.

Emily held Jimmy’s hand and smiled glaringly up at him. He had told her about Zack’s proposal before.

When Zack finally let her down, he noticed he was still holding the ring that belonged to her now. He was looking right in her teary eyes when he pulled her right hand up to his sight and slid the ring slowly on her long finger.

“I love you, Jess.”

Another very tight hug came, this time from Jess. She was mumbling love words on Zack’s ear as Johnny and Jason began to make threatening jokes about marriage.

A few people laughed, others told them to stop. But everyone seemed to be having a great time. Brian was still watching everything by the couch now and not a single smile appeared on those thin lips.

Emily was the first to walk to the couple and congratulate them with a hug.

“I’m so happy for you, J. For you two. You deserve the best, always. And let’s agree you’re perfect for each other.” Emily said it while hugging her best friend and Jess couldn’t stop grinning. Her cheeks were hurting already. “Wow, let me see it! It has treble clefs on it, on my god, Zack, it’s perfect!”

Jimmy was watching Emily’s reaction and half-smiled, his thoughts still running wild and changing at every second. He hugged Zack and then Jess, congratulated them and took a sit at the table with Emily. After that, everyone hugged the newest happy couple and took their seats at the table for the feast.

Later on, after the gifts exchange, Emily couldn’t stop staring at Jess’ happiness on the other side of the room. Zack couldn’t take his hands off of her and she couldn’t stop looking at her ring, marveled.

Emily let her gaze run back to where her hand was, holding Jimmy’s and she wondered when he would ask her. Maybe he was saving that for later, when they were alone. Or maybe he was just waiting for the perfect time. Or maybe…

Jimmy stood up and her heart skipped a beat. She was holding her breath when he glanced down at her and said:

“Do you want some soda?”

His blue eyes showed nothing but quietness to her. And Emily had to disguise her disappointment right away.

“I... No, I... I don’t, Jim… Thanks.” Her eyes begged for him to just do it and make her the happiest woman in the world just as Jess. But he just paced away to the kitchen to grab his soda.

Now the only person she could see seating in front of her was Brian, who shot her a killer look, drinking his tenth glass of whatever had alcohol on it. She was even scared by that look, she had never seen him showing so much hatred and hurt through his irises before.

As soon as Jimmy walked back with his soda, Brian stood up, turned his back and left the room.

---

We drove back home in complete silence. It wasn’t a long way but it sure felt like it when I still wasn’t sure about what to do with that ring weighing in my pocket. Emily’s eyes glowed so much when she saw Jess’ ring. For a moment, I even thought she let a tear escape. And that made me wonder if I should just throw all my insecurities away and make her smile like that again. I wonder if she would smile like Jess did if I was the one asking her and not… Brian.

“You’ve been quiet all night, babe… Is there something wrong?” her sweet voice overlaid my thoughts and my head snapped at her.

“Huh? No, not really. I’m just… tired.”

“Okay…”

She glanced at me like she expected something. And of course she did. She knew about my plans and the fact that she heard that from Brian annoyed me too much. And she thinks I didn’t see her teary eyes after she went back from that talk with him, but I could see, feel and understand much more than she thought I could. I could even read her thoughts sometimes and that’s what I was about to try now.

As soon as I parked the car in front of my house, I turned off the engines and when she was stepping out, I held her hand. It was now or never. I had to know the truth.

“Emily, wait…” I took a deep breath, letting my eyes penetrate hers completely and just let that haunting question out of me once and for all. “Will you ever love me like you love him?”

Her breathing quickened. The glare in her eyes faded abruptly. A frown built in her forehead. She wasn’t expecting that question, I bet.

“What… What kind of question is that, Jim?” her eyes begun to water. “What am I doing here, living with you, kissing you and making love to you if I don’t… love you?” she was outraged.
Even more than I thought she would be.

“That was not what I asked and you know it.”

I was terrified of her answer. And by her frightened glare at me, I was sure she was too. We were both delaying the truth for so long that we even got used to the lie. But we couldn’t just keep living that lie for our entire lives, could we?

“I can’t believe you’re doing this…” she shook her head, hiding her tears with her fingers at the same time as she left the car, slamming the door. But her eyes alone could tell me all words couldn’t.

I watched as she paced quickly and heavily towards the front door and when she stopped in the middle of the way, she turned to me. She let her arms fall to her thighs in waiver and shrugged.

I could never say she wasn’t trying to be that woman I fell in love with back when we met. She was trying too damn hard. And that was unfair with her, with me, with all of us. I can’t change my ways. She couldn’t change her feelings. That’s just how it is.

I took one last glance from her as she waited for me to get out of the car and I just turned on the engines again and left. I needed some time to think.

And I needed something to numb my broken heart. Cause in the end, she will always love him more. I will never be up to her expectations. I will never be that man she expects me to be.

But most important of all: I’ll never be sober and I’ll never be Brian.

Notes

I inspired this Christmas celebration on the ones we have in Brazil so… I know theirs must be different but I really like ours here, so I adapted, hope you don’t mind xD hahaha

Well... a lot of happenings here... and a mean cliffhanger, I know =p
Jimmy is finally realizing whats wrong in all that scenario huh? And sadly it's not what he hoped for... =/

What's coming next??? xD
Stick around to know ;)