While I melted my broken heart in front of him and tried to hide my tears, I felt his strong and warm skin touching my shivering body and taking me into his arms just a few seconds after as I never thought he would dare. I felt so protected, so safe there. But it wasn’t about me this time.

“Come on in, I’ll make us some coffee. Shh…” He held me tight for some seconds and led me inside when I still couldn’t control my sobbing.

He grabbed the bag from my hands and closed the door. I ran out from his embrace and felt like I had lost all my source of heat. I was so cold and lost again but at least a little calmer.

He motioned to his kitchen and I followed him still a little disconcerted. He pulled me a chair on his dining table and went to boil the water.

When he was back, he grabbed my hand in the table and I told him everything. And it didn’t make me feel better at all, I felt hopeless.

“He just watched me leave. He knew he couldn’t ask me to stay after breaking our promise. Or maybe he was just too high to care…” I shrugged, brushed away a few tears that were blurring my vision and looked into his worried eyes. His hand was still caressing mine unstoppably.

“So you really threw the stuff away?” I felt a little of doubt on his tone and I didn’t like it.

“Of course I did. I felt like it was burning my hand. Why would I keep it, Brian?” I snapped, annoyed.

He only nodded in reply. He still had to learn how to trust me.

“I don’t know what to do now. I never thought I wouldn’t be… strong enough to help him, you know? I just… I thought it would be easier this time. I thought he was free from this like I was…”

“We all thought he was okay, Em. Don’t start blaming yourself now. And now that we know, we will get him help, okay? He’s gonna get help. It’s good that you found out.”

My turn to nod, letting my head rest in my arms in the table when a phone rang on the living room.

“I’ll be right back.” He stood up and walked to the phone as I watched through the door. And I could hear his conversation too.

“Hey… yeah I know, I should be there half hour ago, sorry… Well, something came up and… can we just leave it for another time? Tonight is just not a good time…” he was on his back and when he was only listening to the other line, he looked back to me and smiled slightly. “I know, I’m sorry again, okay? I’ll call you.”

I had completely messed up his plans, hadn’t I? It was probably a girl he just dumped over me and I hated to get in his way again. I should’ve gone elsewhere.
When he walked back I stood up, ready to leave.

“I should… probably go now. I need to find a hotel room to spend the night and figure out what to do tomorrow.” I paced towards his living room where my suitcase was and he came after me, holding my wrist.

“No way, I won’t let you go out to search for a hotel room when I have plenty of rooms here. You’re gonna stay here and we’ll figure out what to do tomorrow. Together. You’re not alone in this.” He let his fingers entwine mine.

Our gazes got lost in each other for some seconds as he still was holding my hand. I could truly feel how much I missed him when our eyes met this time. And that’s exactly why it was a bad idea to stay there through the night.

“I don’t know. This is wrong, Brian. I really should go. I just ruined your plans, apparently. I shouldn’t have come here in the first place…” My eyes found other direction to the ground or I wouldn’t be able to talk again.

Then he just pulled my chin up to him and made me stare into his comforting eyes again.

“Hey, it’s okay, really. Don’t worry.” He assured in a whisper and how could I refuse that sweet assurance? On the contrary of him, I trusted him. With my life.

When I finally agreed with my head, he grabbed the suitcase from my hand and led me towards the stairs.

“C’mon, I’ll show you my guest room…”

I half-smiled and followed him.

---

Yeah, you did it, Jimmy. You wanted to be inside her heart again? All you could do was to push her away and make her leave your house instead. Well done, dude!

You managed to fuck everything you had so far in one night. You knew she wouldn’t understand. You promised her. And yet you blew it, cause you know what? She’s right. You love to get high more than you love her. More than music. More than anything else.

“NO! I FUCKING DON’T!” I punched the closest wall I found and didn’t feel a thing, I was still sedated. But my anger with myself wasn’t diminishing. It was increasing in fact.

Stop lying to yourself, Jimmy! Stop hiding behind excuses! You do it because YOU LOVE IT and you won’t ever leave it. There will always be the next excuse just waiting in your mind to be used.

There will always be the next FIX.

I had to throw another punch in the wall. Like I was beating my own conscious to the ground until it would shut up. But it sounded indestructible. It sounded like it would always win.

Nothing satisfies you anymore. Nothing is like it used to be. Stop denying the truth!

Another fist full. And a huge hole in my wall. Fuck, it still wouldn’t stop!!

You wanna shut me out? Right. Go ahead. Pick up the phone and dial your dealer’s number like you always do when you wanna get rid of me. Cause that’s the easiest road. To keep dozing yourself until there’s no more pain and no more voice left.

No!!! I’m not doing it!!! – a very loud roar came from deep inside me.

Go ahead! Do it! You know you want it. Your escape is just one phone call away.

“Shut the fuck up…” I mumbled as I got lost in my path and decided to go buy a bottle of vodka.

I had to drink half of it until I could finally black out.

It won again. It would always win.

---

4:03.

That was the hundredth time I had looked at my phone clock. Waiting for the day just to rise. Waiting for a call I would never get. Or a call I would never make. Wondering what he was doing now. Wondering what I should do next…

I was tossing and turning in that comfortable bed for hours that it even felt hard. Empty. So cold without one of them there by my side. Knowing I was too stuck on them both but only allowed to choose one. Why was I even thinking about that again anyway? I had more important worries now.

But the thought of him sleeping alone in his bed, just two doors away from mine, without me next to him was just impossible to bear. I needed him to solve this. I needed him to help Jimmy. I needed at least to fall asleep next to his warmth, cause maybe that would bring me the peace and the wisdom I should have tomorrow to take care of Jimmy. I should be the strong one this time.

So I just threw my blanket away and treaded to his bedroom. The door was semi opened and no noises were made while I got in. He was sleeping peacefully, his face was only lit by the moon outside and I remembered how I loved that landscape. It soothed my heart.

All this time apart and I still felt butterflies in my stomach when I approached his bed and carefully laid myself down next to him. He moved a little to my presence, but still didn’t wake up. In fact, he let one of his arms pull me closer to his chest, like that was the only place I belonged on earth. And I wanted to stay there forever when I brushed my nose on his bare chest, drinking in his cologne, causing a vivid and wild flashback inside my head. All the moments we shared together went by in a minute. And with his steady breathing breezing on me, I finally managed to find that peace I was looking for to sleep.

---

I woke up with the morning light shifting through my curtains and something very warm lying close to me. Fuck, did I really drink that much to end up with Michelle in my bed?

Then my eyes went from almost closed to wide in a matter of seconds to those vivid red locks of hair spread in my pillow. Her scent coming to greet me right away. My arm resting right above her belly as her hand lay on top of mine.

I have the woman of my life lying right beside me and I’m not even supposed to touch her the way I wanted. God… that was unfair.

I tried not to move much not to wake her, but she stretched her body and awoke before I could even take my hand out of hers. It was wrong, I know, but it started to feel so right when she pressed her fingers on mine and dragged my hand to embrace her from behind as she turned her back and rested it in my chest. Fuck… we were cuddling now.

She breathed heavily once and I remembered why she was sleeping in my house. But I couldn’t really recollect why she was in my bed. Or when she came to my bedroom.

“When did you come here?” I muttered into her ear and she quivered, closing her eyes.

“Couldn’t sleep. I had to come...”

I was desperate to ask her why but I let go. I didn’t wanna go there now.
We stayed in silence for a while as she drew her fingertips all along my arm and hand skin. I never dared to try anything more than that.

“Do you think we… we can convince him to quit this time, Bri?” That question made me completely brush those thoughts about her out of my mind and brought me back to reality. My best friend’s harsh reality.

We have to be there now. Fully and entirely for him. We can’t just get carried away again here as all the times before. It doesn’t make sense anymore. It would only make sense if Jimmy was okay with it. And I’m pretty sure he’s not.

“I don’t know, Em… I’m not even sure if we should go there together, or tell the others first, I… We need to think this through carefully or he will turn against all of us.”

“Yeah I know… I know.” She held my hand tighter, showing uneasiness. “I made him promise me I would be enough, and it’s clear as water to me I’m not. And then… I just don’t know how to keep him away from this. I can’t play the super-Brian on him. I’m not strong enough like you are.”

“You’re helping him the way you can, Em. You’ve always been there for him. And it’s not about that. Maybe he needs a vacation to spend some time off of all this pressure he’s feeling, you know…”

“Yeah… you might be right.” she nodded, turning to face me, her face a little brighter. “Maybe I should take him to a trip somewhere, try to keep him away from all the temptations here until he’s healed. He needs a clinic far away from here.”

I thought about it for a moment, staring at her eyes. I was delighted to see her having that epiphany but why do I have that sting in my heart after she said she would leave with him to far away?

“You don’t need to go far, I guess. You might need us. He might need us.”

“Here he knows all the dealers’ names, their numbers, where they are… We can’t fight that, Bri. It’s impossible to get clean here in California, believe me.”

I tried not to show my disappointment but I knew she was right. This place was a temptation itself.
If they had to leave to save his life, it was the right thing to do. It would be so hard for me to stay away but it’s for a good cause. I couldn’t protest.

“You don’t think it’s a good idea?” she was probably wondering about my long pause and my serious face.

“No, I… I think it’s the best idea we could come up for him. He needs help. Here is not the right place for him to get that. But… can you handle it? It won’t be easy, you know it.”

“I know, Brian. But I don’t see him trusting anyone else on this, and I don’t trust anyone either. I know every single feeling he’ll have, I know how hard is to handle withdraws. He needs me by his side now, more than ever.”

I nodded and ran from her gaze, trying not to denounce the biggest jealousy flaming all over me when hearing her protecting him like that. Hell, I know I was being the selfish bastard again but… I really wished she would finally realize how much I needed her too…

“Yes, you’re right, he needs you now. But he needs you healthy. Are you sure you can do this?”

“I am. I’m not relapsing. Not after the way he spoke to me last night and I managed to block the cravings. I’m good. I’ve never been better, Brian. Now you need to trust me in this, okay? I’ll bring him back safe. Cured. Just like you did with me.” Her eyes were searching for my assurance so I gave it to her. She proved to me she was good now.

“Okay, Emily, I believe you. If there’s someone who can help him heal it’s you. I know that. But if you need someone, I’ll be here to have your back. Always.”

She caught my hand again and this time she planted a kiss on it. It made me shiver thinking about her lips touching mine instead.

“Thank you, Bri. I know you’re always here for me. I appreciate it from the bottle of my heart.”
She smiled for the first time.

I kissed her hand to reply and before we could get too lovey dovey, I rolled out of bed, put a shirt on and asked her to have breakfast. Then we would just talk about our plan again, research a good detox clinic outside of Cali and arrange the flight tickets to wherever is a good place for him.

Cause that’s what matters now. Helping Jimmy.

Notes

hihi, u really thought she was just giving up on Jim??? You don't know me, do you? xD hahaha