It was settled. After Brian and I discussed and researched about where would be a good place to take Jimmy for a detox clinic, I bought the flight tickets with my last savings and we would be going in two weeks from now. That was the easy part, of course. What was coming next would probably be harder than quitting heroin myself.

Brian agreed with me he shouldn’t go to Jimmy’s house with me. Jimmy would start assuming things and that was the last thing we needed now, to make him think we were having an affair again. I would never gain his trust back.

So I walked back there alone, anxiety smashing my throat all the way through. Afraid I wouldn’t know what to say, that I wouldn’t know how to convince him to quit. Cause I knew exactly how hard it was to see through the addiction curtain and how hard was to give up the only thing that makes you blind enough to believe it’s the solution of all your problems.

I arrived to his door with my heart wanting to pop out. Took a deep breath and rang the bell as I imagined the possible scenarios I could find next inside his house: his body lying in the ground full of heroine, or maybe his corpse… God, I could almost throw up at each second he took to answer the door. I would never forgive myself if…

Hey, wait, I have his keys.

I unlocked the door, turned the doorknob with a knot in my stomach and got inside slowly. Walked by his living room and found him sleeping in the couch. Yeah, his chest was moving up and down steadily and that was the most beautiful sight to me. But then I saw the bottle of vodka in the ground and his arm stretched closer to it as if he had passed out.

I shook my head in sadness. Well, at least there wasn’t a needle stuck on his arm this time. And there was no signs of powders spread on the table or anything like it. I thanked god for that.

As I thought about what to do next, I paced around and caught a glimpse of a hole in one of the walls. It looked like a punch. No… It looked like several punches.

“God… Jimmy…” I let out to myself in a gasp. I regretted leaving him like that last night right away. He could’ve done something even more stupid.

It made me decide once and for all. I couldn’t just stay there waiting for him to wake up, I had to talk to him now. The sooner the better.

I walked to the couch and sat in the table in front of him. I stretched my arm to move a lock of hair out of his face and he twitched his eyes a little, showing he was waking up. Then he moved his arm back to his chest and opened his eyes slightly with a grimace. He was probably more than hangovered.

“Ems…?” he mumbled as he raised his body and sat on the couch, his fingers brushing his eyes to protect them from clarity.

“Hey…” my eyes never left him.

“I thought you… I thought you wouldn’t come back.” His voice was hoarse. He placed his elbows on his legs and kept massaging his face, like he was just too ashamed to face me.

“How can you think I would just leave you?”

He shrugged and shook his head without saying anything.

“Are you having a headache? Do you need an aspirin?”

He nodded.

“And what about your hand? Does it hurt?”

He frowned at me and then raised his left hand up to his sight, to see his knuckles very swollen in a dark purple mixed with red color all over his skin. I watched his reaction as he moved his fingers and it wasn’t good at all; he opened his mouth wide to the pain he was having. Maybe it was even broken.

I stood up and before I went to grab the aspirin and water in the kitchen, I saw the bottle of vodka again. I didn’t think twice before grabbing it and taking it along to pour it all down in the sink. And I noticed he was following my moves with his eyes after I grabbed the bottle.

“What are you doing?” he grumbled and I answered from the kitchen.

“Something you should be doing. Throwing this away.”

I brought the pill to him and as he swallowed, I sat back in front of him. When he finished his water, that was when he raised his eyes to me. Those hurt blue eyes could say more than his words would and they were breaking my heart torturously. They were begging for my help.

‘Don't give up, it takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it's alright
You're not alone
If you don't love this anymore’

“Why did you… come back anyway?”

“I wanna help you.”

‘I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here cause I know you'll need a friend’

“I don’t need help, Emily. What can I do to make you understand that?”

“I know in the world we live in it looks like something normal. But it’s not, Jimmy. We have to be sane to confront our problems. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ll run away from them, they will always come back to get you, Jim. Please, believe me, this is not the way out.”

“I just… I just need to be good enough to finish the album, alright? I’m not asking for anything more than that. And I can only do that if…”

“No… I know how it works. You’ll always have a reason to do it again if you don’t stop now. Everything you can do high, you can still do sober.”

He snorted a sarcastic laugh and stood up, pacing around the living room impatiently, brushing his hair, probably thinking about the next excuse. It’s incredible how this disease can control you like a puppet. And after I felt it in my own skin, I’m seeing it in front of my eyes like a mirror. I’m seeing myself on him.

“You… you can’t possibly know what’s like, Emily! You weren’t stuck in a bed for two fucking months! You don’t have to deal with pain all over your muscles everyday. You don’t have to spend five hours practicing a line you could play with eyes closed before. So don’t come here as mrs. Know-It-All to tell me what’s like. CAUSE YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW!”

‘And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away’

“Yeah, you’re right, I don’t know how it’s like to be in coma. I don’t. But I know exactly when someone is hiding behind an excuse. I did it plenty of times before and it didn’t lead me anywhere but to my own destruction. It’s the addiction talking and thinking for you, James. Don’t let it win!”

He kept shaking his head to every word I said.

“You can still play guitar. You can still do everything you did before. What about me? I… I can’t be the same anymore. You have no idea what that feels like!”
I stood up this time, tired of taking this slow and easy.

“I work in a studio, Jimmy. Don’t you think I’m not dying to go back to play when I see all those great musicians coming and going and I have to fix the room for them or just greet them when they arrive?”

I really thought he knew this battle wasn’t just for the days you are going through hell detoxing. It’s a battle you’ll have to fight for the rest of your life.

“You can! You can play with anyone whenever you want. You’re still an incredible guitar player.”

“No, I can’t… And you know why? Because just by thinking about hitting a stage again or thinking about the endless trips on tour and the anxiety, I wanna have a fix again. I get desperate for it. My palms sweat and my heart starts beating fast and I have that taste in my mouth again. The taste of death.” I gulped and breathed. His eyes wouldn’t leave mine. “I know I could never get out of it if I ever try it again, Jimmy. It would be the end for me. So… yeah, I can’t be the same anymore too. I can’t hold a guitar without thinking about getting high just for a second so I know exactly how it feels like.”

His brows moved downwards, like I was finally penetrating that thick wall he had built. But I know he wouldn’t surrender easily.

‘Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see’

He closed his eyes and turned his back to me. I saw his arm moving towards his eyes and by that move I was sure he was brushing his tears away.

“To stay away from what you love hurts, but I know that’s what I have to do for now, I know it’s the best for me. And I know it would be good for you too, to take some time away from here, from all the pressure you’re feeling with the band, with the new album. They’ll understand you need some more time. You need to heal, Jim, and I’m here to help you go through this. Please, tell me you’re willing to let me help you this time.” I stepped closer and touched his shoulder. “Please.” I begged one last time, in a whisper.

‘I know there's a price for this
But some things in life you must resist’

“I don’t know if I can do this, Ems…” his mumbled voice was trembling. Brick by brick, all that concrete was melting inside his heart.

And now I had to make him feel like he could trust his life on me. Exactly like Brian made me feel.

“If I was able to face this, you will be able too. I’m gonna help you remember every single thing that makes you happy here in this life and there will be a day you won’t have to think about heroin again. There will be a day we both won’t even remember it ever existed. You’ll be able to play again. You’ll be exactly like you were before, but even better, you’ll be free from this prison. We’ll fight this together until the end, Jim. You’ll never be alone in this. I promise you.”

‘And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.’

I let my hand slide on his arm to reach for his hand and hold it strongly. His fingers lingered on mine and when I heard him taking a shaky deep breath, I could tell he was holding back his tears. So I walked in front of him and caressed his neck, he still had his eyes closed and a few tears escaped his eyelids before I pulled him to my embrace.

“It’s okay, babe… You can cry…” he grabbed me so tightly and intensely my knees almost didn’t take our both weights.

The last bit of wall fell apart right there in my arms while he exploded in tears.

‘So don't give up
It takes a while’

---

When he was calmer, we both sat back at the couch and we trade a few meaningful stares. Both wanting to predict what was coming next or who would start talking first.
I took the flight tickets out of my pocket and held it in my hands as he observed.

“You didn’t think I would come here without a plan, right?” I tried to make him smile and he pursed his lips. “Well… these are two tickets for us to leave to Hawaii in two weeks from now. So we can spend our holidays here with everybody, I booked for a few days after Christmas. But if you wanna go before, we can too.”

“Hawaii? Why…?”

“There’s a very good clinic there. So we can do this the right way this time. You’ll have all the help you need there and I’ll always be around when possible. What do you think?”

He held his head on his elbows again and didn’t seem too convinced about my plan. He seemed scared.

“Why can’t we just stay here?”

“Cause you know everyone here. And it’s harder like that, believe me.”

“Why can’t you just… stay here with me and we go through whatever I have to go through here?”

“So you can just go meet your dealer when things are too rough to take?”

He breathed loud, tired.

“Okay… I see your point.”

“Good… There you’ll have incredible beaches, good weather and you will only know me. How’s that for a good relaxing trip?” I smiled and he nodded, still not very happy about it.

“If you don’t like there, we can always come back and find somewhere else to grow old on.” I entangled my fingers on his again, resting on his leg, and he finally grinned slightly.

“I like Hawaii…”

“Great, that’s a start! We can stay there for a few months. Or for how long you need.”

“Alright…”

“That’s a huge step, Jim, really. But the next one might be bumpy. We’re gonna have to talk to the guys, explain everything and ask them if they agree with it. And we should do it soon. Do you want me to call them to set up a meeting later today?”

He turned to me and his blue eyes shone.

“You’re really serious about this, aren’t you?”

“I’m as serious as never before, Jimmy. And… let me ask you something. I know it’s hard, it’s almost impossible but… do you think you can… stay away from it until we go?” my eyes examined his deeply, trying to read him to the core.

He gulped once, thought about it and turned to me again.

“I don’t know… I guess I can try.”

“So we have a deal. And if you ever feel like breaking it, just talk to me and we’ll figure something out, okay? But please, James… Don’t ever lie to me again.”

“Okay...” he nodded, his eyes still as sad and terrified as a little kid. “I’m… I’m so sorry I lied to you, Emily.”

“Don’t worry. Just trust me more next time. Just talk to me.” He nodded again and looked at his hurt hand. Oddly it was his left hand, not the right one. “We should go check that out, right? I guess you need an X-ray.”

“Yeah, okay, it fucking hurts a lot… Let’s eat something first and then we go to the hospital.”

He grabbed his car keys and we left to our usual dinner. In our way there, I had to ask.

“I get your anger last night. But… why did you punch the wall with your left hand anyway?”

He chuckled.

“Well… I guess the angry side of my brain is the right side…”

We traded looks and we both laughed loud at the same time at that stupid nerdy joke as I drove away. It even sounded like nothing had happened.
When we got there, I remembered I still had to do one thing. I picked up my phone and wrote a quick text:

He said yes, Bri. He’ll let us help him.

I tried to suppress my grin and we finally walked inside the dinner.

Notes

Pleaaaaaaaaase, try to read while listening to the song!!! It will work so much better =p

ohhh well... Jimmy is finally accepting his problem. That's a start right?
Will that plan work? How will the guys react to that?

Stay tuuuneed ;)

(Kim, I placed a little detail there from you in one of the dialogues... hope you are able to recognize it =p)

Song: Accidents Can Happen - Sixx:Am from The Heroin Diaries Soundtrack