The sun had risen already when we were driving back to Huntington. We stood there, recovering our energies, cuddled in the dry sand with lots of unspoken words, until we fell into a deep sleep. When we woke up again, the sun was shining on our faces and our clothes were all wrinkled and dirty but at least dried.

We stood quiet most of the way back and didn’t even turn on the radio this time. Guess we were too immersed in thoughts. The mood was definitely heavy and I was a bit anxious for some reason, even if my reminiscence of last night was only about that marvelous orgasm he gave me.

When he was driving through my street, he passed by my house but didn’t stop.

“Hey… you just… you forgot where I live?” I had to say something finally.

“No, I thought we should… drop by to my house first so you can take your pill.”

“Oh… about that…” I gulped and hesitated a little when he turned to me with his sunglasses on but I still could see his brows furrowing to me. Then he parked the car at some random person’s front door for us to talk. “Look… I… I think I’m ready to stop with them. If I was able to handle those 4 days getting rid of that amount of heroine I was using, this methadone thing won’t even tickle me. I’m ready for the last… symptoms of it, you know? To get rid of it permanently.”

I saw him swallowing thickly, licked his lips and stared at the horizon.

“Wow… are you really sure you’re ready for that?” he snapped back at me and I nodded with certainty. He was acting almost like he… didn’t want me to quit? “Do you want me to… stay around to keep you company? What if the symptoms are bad? You’ll need someone with you.”

“Don’t worry. It’s probably some tremors and maybe a flu feeling. Nothing I can’t handle on my own. But thanks, Bri. I mean it, for taking me out last night, for making me feel relaxed and loved, for everything.” I placed my hand on his thigh when I thought he had let his guard down but guess I was wrong. He simply took off his glasses and had an even bigger frown now.

“You’re… you’re actually dumping me, right? Like I was some kind of paid service you can always order when you feel like it…”

“Oh… God, Brian, I didn’t mean to sound like that I…” I took a deep breath and tried to organize my thoughts after what I just heard. “I thought we had talked this through last night. You agreed with me when I said what was for the best for all of us. I wanna be with you, of course I want! But it’s just not possible, we ruined all the possibilities we had way back, when you first came into my house and we spent that whole night cheating on Jimmy. Then we ruined more and more, and we just can’t stop ruining it. And we won’t be able to move on if we keep seeing each other every day. It’s very hard for me to say this but… You should look for someone new, you… should give Pauline a shot, she’s really nice. You deserve better, Brian. And if you move on, maybe it’s easier for me to do so.”

He shook his head at every word I said, his eyes were so disappointed. Fuck, this is harder than I thought.

“After… after last night you… you wanna move on? I thought I had proven my love to you, I thought I… I don’t wanna move on!”

“I don’t either. But it’s beyond you and me now. It’s beyond our love. It’s for Jimmy’s greater good. We owe it to him. I owe it to him. And it’s time to pay the price.”

“You can’t save everybody, Emily.” His voice was low and darker than ever.

“I can try.”

My rationality and I were winning again and this time, I noticed he didn’t have enough strength to fight back. Maybe he used all of it while making love to me in the most passionate way he could last night.

“So this is a goodbye?” his words were almost soundless.

“Yeah, this is the most wonderful goodbye I could wish for. Thank you so much for saving my life, for being there, for being who you are. I never thought I would love someone that much and be loved back. Thank you for giving me your heart and taking care of mine.”

He snorted a painful laugh, turned on the car engines again and used the reverse gear violently to get back to my front porch in a fast speed. Then, without looking at me and without saying a word more, he unlocked the doors. I took it as a wish for me to disappear from his sight for good.

As my body seemed to be frozen still in that seat and my heart was begging me to kiss him one last time, I had no option but to follow it. I stretched towards him and pressed my lips on his cheek, holding his face for a while on me. I drank his unique scent and before I could get bewilder and bewitched by him as it happened innumerous times before, I pulled away. In an unexpected move, he held my arm and pulled me back, placing his hand on the back of my neck and giving me another one of those heart-melting and breathtaking kisses of his. The only difference is that this one had sadness poured all over it.

Our noses kissed when our lips stopped moving and then we knew the next step was to just grow apart. To never grow together again. And I knew I was the one to take that extremely hard step.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, pecked his lips and got off the car as quickly as I could. I never looked back, cause if I had done it, I would’ve never left.
By my door, I begged mentally for him to just press the gas pedal e get out of my view, so I couldn’t go back there. But he took an eternity. With the corner of my eye I caught him punching the wheel, resting his head helplessly on his arm for a few seconds and then screeching away from my sight.

God… How many times do I have to break his heart and mine along the road?

Well, now it’s a promise.

This was definitely the last time.

---

A few weeks later

It had been 2 months. I’m still sleeping here at his room every night, waiting for something I’m still not sure what it is, brushing his now long hair, shaving his beard, brushing his teeth. At days, I had been helping Jess bring all her stuff to Zack’s house and searching for meaningless jobs to allow me at least to pay my rent. And that’s my routine, I get here, play some guitar for him and talk about stuff to keep him posted. Well… what do I know… I might be here talking to the walls all this time. But I don’t really care, I still felt like I was doing something and that’s maybe what has been keeping me sane and sober for all this time.

After our last encounter, I hadn’t talked or seen Brian around. He knew I would only be here at night so I presumed he always came during the day. I missed him a lot but I tried as hard as I could not to think about it. Especially while I was here with Jimmy.

In the beginning I knew I was giving the impression that I still was his girlfriend. So I decided I would stop that. I started talking to him as a friend cause I still think he could be listening. But what if that was the wrong approach? He had stopped answering with his fingers and his heartbeats weren’t accelerating anymore. I felt more and more like he was escaping from our hands.

Tonight I chose a song that I knew that could bring memories to him. Memories from us. Yeah, I know, I just said I was trying not to give him hopes about us getting back together. But if bringing meaningful songs to him makes him a little bit closer of waking up or at least answering, I can’t just sit here and not try it.

I picked up my guitar, sat be his side and fingered the chords slowly and softly, feeling my heart pumping faster without an apparent reason. Then, for the first time in years, I had this urge to sing the lyrics. Even when I hated my voice.

‘Time, it needs time
To win back your love again
I will be there, I will be there’

“Something tells me you two have a thing for this one. She’s trying hard, don’t you think?”

I didn’t really wanna answer my mind questions now. I just wanted to listen to her. Singing. As I never thought I would have the chance. She always told me her voice was horrible and not worth listening. Now I knew how wrong she was.

‘Love, only love
Can bring back your love someday
I will be there, I will be there’

“Hey, you need a refill!” I grabbed the almost empty bottle of wine and poured it clumsy on Emily’s goblet, practically filling it for the tenth time that night.

“Geez, you do wanna get me drunk, don’t ya? Even when you’re already having full access to my pants for weeks now.” She chuckled with ease and didn’t refuse her cup, on the contrary, she drank a large sip and laughed more after.

Hell, I was drunk that night. Drunk of love just by hearing her laughter and watching her moves.

“Well… congratulations, I’m seeing double of you now. I’m damn ready for a threesome with twins!” she raised her eyebrows making us both share a good laughter and she could only stop me when her lips touched mine softly.

We traded inebriated glances for a while and before we could end up in bed early as all the other nights we promised we would use it to know each other better, I had to break our romantic silence to get back to our stupid question game.

“You still didn’t answer me.”

“Okay, mr. What is my bed song… Hmm, okay, there are so many. When I was young I used to think I’d never be able to fuck without music playing in the back, it was weird.” I laughed again at her remark. “But there’s this one… It’s the perfect fucking song to fuck, I’m telling you. It was made for that and anybody that thinks otherwise is just… an asexual motherfucker.”

“Just spill it!”

“Still Loving You.” She finally answered with a sexy low tone just as I was drinking my wine and I almost had to spill it myself. No… of all the options that’s out there, she couldn’t possibly have the same bed song as I had. Shit, she was way too perfect for my taste. “What? Why are you holding your laugh and giving me that look?”

I ran from her gaze and pursed my lips to the wall. I couldn’t tell her now, she wouldn’t believe me, she would think I was only saying that so I could get inside her pants faster.

“Nothing… it’s nothing.”

“Spill it!” she picked at my lips with her index finger and I rolled my eyes. “You think I’m cheesy, right? And you wanna break up with me now.”

“Not really.” I was far from wanting to break up. I wanna take her hard in every single corner of my house, that’s what I wanted. But we promised we would postpone it. Stupid promises. “Next question.”

“Your bed song! It’s gotta be cheesier than mine. Please… don’t tell me it’s one of those crazy symphonies of three hours from Dream Theater stuff. I wouldn’t be able to hold until the song was over.” I chuckled and shook my head instantly.

Okay, she wanted to know. I would give her. Maybe then we could be going to my beds way before we were both too drunk to stay awake.

“Dream Theater is my dropping acid music, but that wasn’t your question. Well… if I say that I’m definitely not one of those asexual motherfuckers out there and my bed song is pretty much the same as yours, would you believe me?”

She frowned at me first, probably doubting my sentence. Then her lips started to build a naughty form when I didn’t move my eyes from hers. One of her brows raised and I was dying to know what was going through that mind of hers. Probably the same as mine.

“Wow… I didn’t see that coming. Really?” she was quite surprised but quite seductive at the same time.

“Yeah… but… I don’t try that one since… I don’t know, since high school? I’m not sure if it still works.” I shrugged, trying the seduction game too.

“I don’t use it in a while too so… don't you think it’s time to test it again?” she bit her bottom lip and as I agreed with my head, hypnotized, she stood up slowly and walked towards my record collection to start searching for that Scorpions disc.

Well… if I was telling the truth, of course I had that album. She was wise to see that.

I just observed how she bent over with that tight skirt, stretched up, trying to find it around my giant collection. She was sincerely turning me on. So I decided to end her endless search and went straight to the place where I knew that album was, pulling her waist with me along the way. As we kissed lingeringly, with one hand, I placed the vinyl record on my player and finally made it happen.

Yeah, it didn’t really lose the magic after all those years. And I think we heard that song hundred times in a row while making love that night.

‘I'm still loving you’

“Yeah, so… she is trying hard, John. This is our song. She wouldn’t play that one if it didn’t mean anything to her anymore, she wouldn’t sing it. Do you think she… she’s trying to say something with this? What if…”

“You should ask her not me…”

“You know I can’t! You know I just can’t do anything to get me out of this fucking prison, I’m cuffed to this bed forever.” Now the cuffs tattooed on my neck made more sense than ever. I was more stuck on my own body than I ever was before and there was nothing I could do about it.

‘Fight, baby, I'll fight
To win back your love again
I will be there, I will be there
Love, only love
Can break down the walls someday
I will be there, I will be there’

As I was trying to contain the despair that was rising in my chest, I had a warm feeling going up all my body, starting on my toes. I felt ice cold so far. What the heck is this now!?

“Do you think she’s playing that song cause… she still loves me?”

“Well I think a person never really stops loving someone. If you believe she loved you before, what makes you think she doesn’t now?”

“God, instead of helping me you’re making me more confused! I can’t take this indecision anymore! I need to go for good or get back to the living world. What I cannot do is stay here watching the days go by, torturing myself with all the persons that come here to cry for my health. Can you please do something?” I was barely screaming inside my head as the notes of her voice were echoing louder in my ears. It seemed like I had turned up some kind of volume button in my head.

‘If we'd go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Your pride has built a wall, so strong
That I can't get through
Is there really no chance
To start once again?’

“I’m just a part of your mind that you created to keep you distracted, Jimmy. I can’t control anything. You have that power. Are you willing to have a second chance, no matter what coasts you?”

I thought about it. The song lyrics pumping in my head and not letting me concentrate have gotta be a sign. Does she wanna start again? Do I want to start again?

“I don’t wanna get hurt anymore.”

“Isn’t it a risk everyone has to take?”

“I don’t know… I. DON’T. FUCKING. KNOW!”

“Isn’t it part of living experience?”

The warm feeling was now reaching my heart and my lungs, making my heart beat stronger and faster, and the air filling my lungs as if I was able to take a long deep breath. Could I?

I tried once and I felt alive again. Oh shit… Am I getting back?

I couldn’t move any parts of my body cause my muscles were weak. But I could feel them again, like there was electricity passing through my veins. Then I felt an extremely bad pressure on my… on my dick?

Oh my god, I’m not going back, I’m dying apparently. A pain on your dick is not a good sign.

“John? Are you still there? Hey man, talk to me! What the fuck is happening to me?”

“Do you still love… your life?” his voice was getting distant and failing. I almost couldn’t understand it.

“I don’t know, man… All I know is that I love her. And maybe that’s enough for me to go back. Maybe she can show me how to love myself again.”

Now the pressure I felt in my lower parts spread to all my stomach and got transformed in some kind of pain. As if I was… damn starving?

God, I need to eat.

‘I'm still loving you
I'm still loving you’

Her voice hit me so intensely this time that made my eyes tremble. They were still closed but now I think I could open them. So I took a shot, slowly, I made my eyelids move up with a lot of difficulty, cause even my eye muscle hurt as hell. And when I could finally get a glimpse of light, I saw everything around me again, so blurred, but saw it. And I saw the light of her red hair shinning bright on me again as if it was the first time. Just as if I was being reborn.

“Oh my god, Jimmy??? Are you awake?? Can you… can you see me???”

Notes

uhhhhh Jimmy is back finally??? :O :O :O

God, Im so excited about this chapter, c'mon, i need to know what you think!!!!

<3 <3 <3