“What if… what if he just won’t discharge me? What if he wants to lock me here forever?” I asked Zack, dressed and ready to get the hell out of that hospital room as soon as possible, anxious just like the first time I met him.

“If you be honest with him and tell him you’re okay now he has no reason to keep you here. You just gotta tell him the truth, baby.” Zack sounded so calm and he wasn’t calming me at all like that.

Then a knock on the door made us both look there. It was probably him. The psychiatrist. Damn… My hands are soaked.

“I’ll be waiting outside.” He pecked my lips and I sat at the bed, keeping his taste in my mind. I wish he could stay. “Don’t worry, Jay. I love you.” He held my hand tight one last time, winked at me and went to the door, letting it show a tall young men with no white lab coat and no stethoscope, just a suit, like a business man.

“Hello, I’m here to evaluate miss Lockhart, I’m the psychiatrist.” he smiled to Zack and then at me. Wow, his eyes shone so bright.

What the hell are you thinking Jess? He’s your doctor, woman!

Zack didn’t smile back, I saw him frowning instead. “Call me if you need anything.” He went out still glancing with jealousy at the tall man that was about to be alone with me and closed the door.

“Hi, I’m doctor Barnett.” He walked closer to me and showed me his hand. I was still looking at his face so I took a little while to reach for it. Why was I so slow this morning? “You’ve been here for three days, right?”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“Did you think about committing suicide again?” My eyes opened wide to his question. Wow, so direct, I wasn’t expecting that yet.

“Well I… no not really. I just thought about the suicide I already tried to commit. That counts?” I snorted a chuckle but he kept his serious composure.

“You just tried to make a joke… that’s a good sign.” He smiled a little but then narrowed his eyes, like analyzing my soul. “Do you think you’re still a danger to yourself, miss Lockhart?”

“No, I just wanna get out of here and start my life again.” I hoped he would believe me.

“Are you sure? Cause my superiors wanted me to admit you into psychiatry ward after analyzing your case. But I hate to go against the patient’s will or their will. Should I take the risk with you? Are you gonna show up here with another OD or cut wrists later today?”

The coldness of his words and the soft tone he wore brought reality to me again. I wasn’t the same person I was before that day. But I had no idea if I would ever want to try that again or not. I was just living day by day, trying not to think about the future that much.
I gulped dry and moved my eyes from the floor back to his face.

“No, I’m not planning to show up here again. My boyfriend and my closest friend are back in town so… I’m good.” I didn’t know what else to say. He was just a stranger to me, I couldn’t say anything more personal than that.

He nodded and silence fell for a while as he kept gazing at me, deeply.

“Alright. I’m gonna discharge you but it’s my job to suggest you to search for therapy sessions for your own safety. Here’s the number from a psychologist I know. He’s very good. I advise you to see him as soon as possible.” He sounded like the caring type now while handing me the card. Weird and sudden change of mood. “Any questions?”

“Nope. Am I free to go now?” I was almost biting my nails out to hear his answer.
“I’m gonna send the discharge papers to the front desk and after a while someone will come here and will set you free, don’t worry.” He grinned charmingly and showed me his hand again. Then he just wrote something on the charge in his hands and opened the door to go out. “Bye miss Lockhart. Stay safe.” I just nodded.

Zack appeared at the door but the doctor closed it before he could get in again. My time to frown now. But yeah, I was kinda expecting he would want to talk to Zack before really buying my words. Well… I didn’t even buy my own words either…

I had a lot to think yet. My hurting wrists made sure I’d remember that.

All I had to do now was wait. Wait to see if that doctor would fulfill his promise. Cause I had a lot of promises to fulfill from now on…

---

“Babe…” we sat at his car and before he could turn on the engines I placed my hand on his thigh. “I don’t think I’m ready to go back to… you know. And I can’t stay at my parents either, I can’t stand them right now so…”

“You really think I’m not planning to take you to my place and never let you go away from my arms again?” my smile grew bigger at his words and he pecked my lips sweetly. “By the way, I have a surprise for you there. Are you interested?” he smirked with an eyebrow raised.

“Definitely.” My lips formed a small smile but inside I had anxiety butterflies moving in my stomach.

I didn’t know exactly what he was planning but… I wasn’t ready to see his friends right now, I hope he hadn’t called them over. I still had this feeling of shame surrounding my guts.

“So we should go to my house first, to pick up some things.”

“Don’t worry, I asked Emily to help me with that. She brought your stuff to my house so you didn’t have to go there now.”

“Oh…” he thought about everything, didn’t he? I felt really lucky I had Emily and him. “Thank you for doing this, babe.”

“It’s nothing… strawberry.” He winked at me with that smile and I have to chuckle with a frown.

“Strawberry?”

“You call me blueberry and I can’t call you strawberry?” he placed his hand on my hand and I nodded. He could call me by any fruits he wanted as long as he never changes his taste.

When we parked at his house, there weren’t any known cars parked around. So I breathed in relief and assumed we were alone.
We stepped out, walked to his front door and he touched the doorbell. I didn’t get why.

“Don’t you have the keys of your own house?”

“Nope.” He didn’t look at me, he just stared at the door as it was about to open anytime. I was definitely confused until I saw it opening and showing three people I never thought I would see there. My three best friends.

“They stole my keys.” Zack grinned.

“Surprise!!” Kim and Mei said it excitedly in unison and came to a triple hug on me when I stepped back involuntarily.

“Jess?” Emily asked worried.

I had no reaction after that. Emily, Mei and Kim were grinning at me, their eyes glittering and I still couldn’t say anything, I panicked. My shameful feelings came back to haunt me in a blink. My eyes moved away from them nervously from side to side, trying to find a way out and when I noticed, I had walked away and sat on one of the stairs that led to his front door.
I lay my head on my knees to blind my view but I could hear their steps coming after me promptly.

“What’s wrong, babe? Are you okay?” Zack kneeled in front of me and caressed my hair.

“No… why are they here, Zack? I didn’t ask you to call them. I’m fine, I…” god, why am I acting like this? It’s not who I am. I thought I was ready to get out.

My tears started to flow down my cheeks. I didn’t wanna bother them with my problems and I didn’t want them to see me like this, fragile and bruised. I couldn’t even hide my wrists.

“Jess, do you see that house over there? It was for sale when we came here the first time and… Mei and I discussed it a lot and we decided to move in. Zack is our neighbor now. How cool is that?” Kim sat by my side and I felt two arms landing in my back. Mei sat by my other side as I finally raised my head up to them and found Emily and Zack with worried eyes kneeled in front of me.

“You… you two are moving in?” I couldn’t speak, I had to mumble in surprise, glancing at them.

“Yeah, we needed a change. We like beaches more than snow so…” Mei smiled and I didn’t feel like crying or ashamed anymore, just like that. They weren’t here just about me after all. Were they?

“So… you didn’t come just because I…”

“No. But we did prepared some yummy stuff you might wanna have a taste. Let’s… get in? We have a lot to catch up.” Kim said and they all helped me stood up. How could I not smile at their attempt to cheer me up? I was finally surrounded by people I really loved and they just brought me the best news. Emily set up everything, Zack was by my side day and night.
I breathed one last time and regained my strengths to face them. The people I need right now.

They all brought me to a hug as soon as I stood up just like the last time they came here with an exception of a few tears still flowing down my cheeks. Then they finally took me inside.

---

“So… Cali huh?” Jess broke the silence as they were gathered at Zack’s living room eating all kinds of candies her friends knew well she loved. Including that Nutella Flower only Mei knew how to bake exactly as she liked.

“Yeah… there’s something about this place, you know. Last time we were here, we really enjoyed the manly landscape.” Kim winked at the girls, they got what she meant, but Zack was clearly clueless.

“So we figured… yeah, that’s really the right place for us, if you know what I mean.” Mei had a bite of Kim’s pie and she raised her both eyebrows, remembering the time they saw Brian and Matt coming out of the ocean towards them all wet and shirtless on the beach. Could that landscape get any better at any other place of the world? She didn’t think so.

“Oh, okay, I see, that’s my cue to go get a beer in the kitchen. Women talk now…” Zack stood up and walked through the room as the girls chuckled at his reaction.

“I don’t think Daniel would like to hear what you just said, Mei.” Jess teased and Mei pursed her lips, so as the other girls.

“Well, he doesn’t like to hear any of my words lately…” she shrugged, her smile fading away too quickly for Jess surprise. What was going on there? “We decided it was best to go separate ways.”

“What? Oh my god, you were like my reference on how to make one marriage in a million to work out!! He didn’t wanna live here?”

“At first he said I’d changed when I came back from our vacation here. Somehow he thought I had cheated on him here and I’d never do that. His jealousy got obsessive, the fights increased and we just couldn’t trust at each other anymore. We couldn’t keep living like that so… it was over for both of us.” Everyone could feel a lot of resentment on her words, though she was always trying to hide it.

Silence built up heavily and it was only broken by someone eating a crispy toast.

“That’s why we need to find a hot steamy man for her ASAP. Life goes on, our hormones too.” They chuckled again at Kim’s remark and she took that as a clue to keep going on changing the heavy mood to a funny one again. “I heard Channing Tatum lives around here, Mei would love to get his address for a quick visit…”

“Kim! Shut up…” Mei hid her red face on her hair quickly and elbowed her friend.

“Who wouldn’t…” Kim mumbled one last time and the girls agreed with a smirk. She had a good point. “Well, there’s Brian… He’s still available isn’t he? That’s really a shame.”

“You and your mouth, huh?” Mei murmured discreetly to Kim. She just noticed she ruined the joke mood when she saw Jess and Emily trading intense glances.

Emily was clearly annoyed with that for a few seconds but then she remembered they didn’t know about the whole story yet so… why bother. It was just a silly comment. Wasn’t it?

“Yeah… he’s still available as I know of. He’s a great guy. He deserves someone that will make him happy.” As much as it bothered her to hand Brian on a silver platter to anyone, Emily knew she had to give up on him sooner or later and unleash him from her heart. But she felt that knot on her throat just by thinking of it.

She tried to smile at Mei, nodding at her but she got the message Emily was trying to hide. He wasn’t available. She was still holding those two men on her cuffs. And Brian was never Mei’s object of attention. Jimmy was.

“And how was the consult this morning, Jay?” Emily made a swift change of subject and now was Jess’s turn to gulp the lump on her throat. She couldn’t keep hiding from that matter forever and pretend everything was just a simple chat with her friends.

“Well, he basically sent me to therapy. But I don’t really believe on that shit so…”
Jess’s eye glare faded drastically and the girls noticed that but they knew they needed to push it a little more.

“Well we all have to believe in something. Science, religion, pick your poison.” Kim tried.

“I believe in music. And that’s it.” She shrugged. Her friends traded worried glances.

“You know what? I don’t believe in that shit either. But sometimes it’s your last resort and you just have to try it out, just for trying. That’s why I decided to search for a good NA meeting to work on my recovery process and I hope you can come with me, cause if you don’t, my mind won’t let me cross the front door.” Emily said her speech slowly and quietly, looking inside her friend’s eyes, both showing the exact same amount of fear through their gazes as a mirror reflecting their souls.

“You have no idea… how I wished I could hear that from you someday. And you’re finally saying it, Em. Of course I’m going with you.” Jess held Emily’s hand this time, as much as her wrist hurt.

“Great, cause I’m not planning to abandon you again. We can try therapy together and we can see if it’s really worth the shot. What do you say?”

Jess wanted to agree with Emily right away but the words just wouldn’t come out. It was too soon to think about that and she was scared she might never be ready to confront her demons. She just gotta learn how to live with them. Maybe she could do it by herself.

“I still have to think about it, Emily. I need more time.” Her smile was really weak. “But in the meantime, I have my best friends to bug me and spoil me with all those delicious food now, I couldn’t ask for more. Speaking of friends, where’s Rye?”

“She’s busy with her work as always. And when we called her to come live with us, she kind of told us she’s seeing someone now. So we don’t really think she was busy with work anymore…” Kim made them all chuckle again and Jess felt really glad about hearing good news from Rye. She deserved to be happy either, wherever she chose to stay.

“Good for her.”

“Hey gang, what did I miss? I know Tatum’s address if anyone is interested but I must warn you, he’s married.” Zack came back out of a sudden and plopped on the couch, encircling his arms around Jess, who was frowning at him.

“Heeey! So we have an eavesdropper here, my friends!!” Emily called out and he rolled his eyes.

“Baaabe! You were listening?”

“Of course I was. Do you really think I would let you talk about other man without my presence here?” Jess grimaced in a playful way at him and he answered with the same face, showing his tongue. “And you, behave! Or I’m gonna start giving Brian’s number at every club in town.” He pointed at Emily and she just flipped him off as they all laughed.

“Hey Zack, how’s Jimmy doing?” Kim asked what Mei was trying to let out since she landed in Cali.

“At the same… We go visit him everyday, try to talk to him, tell crazy stories but… nothing happens, not even his cardiac monitor changes.” Sadness took over the room again. Especially for Emily and Mei.

“We should go visit him tomorrow.” Mei spoke and she felt sorry for how hurt Emily felt for not being able to see him.

“Zack will take us there, right babe?”

“Of course, anytime. I’m sure he would love to see you all again.”

Silence fell again and this time, it was only ended when Kim and Mei decided it was time to leave to their almost empty new house, cause they have beds in there already and thought as bad luck not to sleep in their own house at their first night there.

They said their goodbyes and Jess felt like she had her life back with all those people caring about her and making her feel like she deserved to be alive again.

Now all she wanted to do was to enjoy her time alone with her man. And sleep on the same bed he was.

Wait… sleeping on the same bed…

Damn it… am I ready for that?

---

As soon as I noticed how comfortable Jess was around her friends and Zack, I was sure I could escape for a few hours. And that’s how went on at the next nights, I just couldn’t sleep thinking about a way I could see Jimmy. So always at 2 am, there I was, in the hospital entrance, watching the hundreds of letters, posters, candles, drumsticks and alcohol bottles in a corner and it got bigger and bigger every night I went there. A memorial for Jimmy. It was a really nice gesture from the fans but… All the meaning I could see in this was it seemed he was already dead.

I sat beside it and started wondering if I should just go to his parents’ house and try to talk to them and just show them I mean no harm this time. I promised myself I would never hurt him again, not even if I have to give up on my own happiness to maintain that promise. If he wanted me out of his life or Brian’s life for good, I would do it in a blink of an eye as much as it would hurt me.

To disturb my thoughts for a second, someone sat beside me. I looked at her and I could recognize her from somewhere, she was wearing the hospital uniform. But I wasn’t sure from where I knew her.

“Don’t you get tired of… coming here every night?” suddenly she asked and I tried to smile.

“No, not really. Staying here calms me down actually. I can’t sleep at night.”

“I never thought I would hear that.” she chuckled.

“Yeah, I know… I never thought I’d say that.” I chuckled too. “Hey, aren’t you that receptionist? The one that told me I couldn’t visit him?”

“Yep, that’s me, I’m at the night shift now. And I see you keep insisting on coming here even though you never asked to come in anymore.” we shared a long and meaningful gaze. “You don’t look like you would harm anyone… He’s really important to you, isn’t he?” she motioned to the candles and pictures of Jimmy spread on the floor.

I could only nod with my head.

“I screwed up. Too many times. But I just can’t take him out of my mind, you know? I still have so much to say to him. I’m afraid I… won’t be able to tell him ever again. I’m afraid he’s… never coming back.”

“But if you keep coming here every night, something tells you he’s still here, right?”

“Yeah. But I wish I could do more to bring him back…” I looked down and tried to hold back my tears.

We went silent for a few seconds and the woman stood up, stopping in front of me, making me look at her.

“I’m here every night and… well, his family and friends only come here during the day. No one is staying at nights lately. So… here it is, your card. You can visit him as long as you don’t tell your name to anybody in there, not even the nurses. And when his family is here, you can’t come in, okay?”

I had no words, I couldn’t believe I was hearing that. She was helping me?

“No, no, I can’t. This can get you in trouble and…”

“No, it won’t. Nights are pretty calm lately, even the docs are sleeping. You can go in.”

I took the card from her hand and sighed in relief. I just wanted to hug that woman tight for doing that. I stood up and smiled in tears.

“Oh my god, you have no idea how…” I shook her hand several times in appreciation.

“Go, go ahead. My shift ends at 6…”

“Thank you so much!” I was already walking inside of the hospital when I stopped and turned to her again. “What’s your name again?”

“Pauline.”

“Thank you again, Pauline. I won’t forget that.” I waved one last time and with a big grin I left to the elevator.

To finally see him again.

Notes

tadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Finaaallyy huh?? Bottoms up my girls! =p

At least is a big chapter =p

hope u enjoy it <3
(and Pauline, I hope you liked your little participation here ;) ) thank you for helping Emily!)