As soon as I stepped out of the elevator, my soul froze and my feet glued on the floor. There it was, his room. Would he want to see me? Would I bring him angry feelings or… hate? And then he would never want to wake up again?

God, I should go home. Why am I insisting on this? Even his parents think I’m a threat without even trading a single word with me.

But my urge to see him was killing me. I still had to explain everything to him even though I think Brian already did it. Well, he needed to hear my side of things. If he was hearing at all.

I walked to his door with conviction and exactly when I was about to open the doorknob, my cellphone buzzed in my pocket, making me jump back in startle and close my eyes.

“Shit.” I picked it up and Brian’s name was on it. Nice timing.

“Hey Em, still awake? Can’t sleep. Miss you.”

I stared at his words and picture for several seconds before I took a deep breath and closed the message, turning off my phone right next with a heavy heart. I wouldn’t let Brian get in the way of my plans again and that was a definite statement.

This time I didn’t even think twice, I just entered Jimmy’s room and could finally breathe properly when I saw his figure. Then I remembered he couldn’t talk, he couldn’t move, he looked more pale than ever, his beard was growing. He looked older now, like I haven’t seen him in years. And I just felt that painful squeeze in my chest.

“Hey babe, it’s me.” I whispered as I walked closer and sat on a chair beside him, not before checking if everything was alright with him, if he was warm enough, if he was comfortable.

“Emily? God… I thought I’d never see you again. I… I thought you didn’t wanna see me. I…”

His hand was cold and I wouldn’t let his skin go before I could warm him.

“Wow… I was insane without seeing you. I’m so glad I found someone that was willing to help me in. I was forbidden to come here, you know.”

“What? What are you talking about? Forbidden?”

“Anyway… I’m here now. And I’ll be here every night from now on, until I can see those mesmerizing blue eyes I miss so much again. Please, Jim, I never pray, but I am praying everyday now. I need you back. I wanna make things right this time. I wanna make you happy. I wanna make you better…” Brian’s image, the one who helped me get back on my feet, came in a rush and I had to be strong to brush it away. “…just like I am now. I’m clean, I’m good. And I want to make you feel that way too, baby. It’s not that bad, you know. That’s all I want now. I’ll be here with my body and soul when you come back. Just… please, come back to me.”

I held my tears not to scare him and cried in silence after my speech, trying not to sob. I caressed his hand waiting to feel it moving, to have any signs he was listening to me, but nothing. Still nothing.

I felt drowsy as hell out of a sudden and let my head fall on his bed to go into a heavy sleep stage.

“I’m sorry. I need more time, love…”

---

The moon was shining beautifully through Zack’s bedroom window. I couldn’t stay away, it was poetic. On the horizon you could see some far mountains, a lighthouse and a few ocean waves dismantling in the shore. When I looked at his bed, where he was lying, I was hoping he would be sleeping already, but he was staring mindfully at me.

Yeah, well… I’ve been avoiding going to bed at the same time with him. Now I always waited for him to sleep before I could lie in his bed. Weird, right? Everything’s been weird in my head and in my life now.

The other night he woke up when I was getting under the covers and he embraced me. I couldn’t relax at all. I wanted to feel the heat of his skin warming mine so urgently but something was blocking me from feeling it, mentally I suppose. When he started to kiss my neck, I felt suffocated. When his hands roamed underneath my gown, I had to push him away.

He understood. He kissed me one more time and went back to sleep as nothing had happened. I didn’t understand. And I cried almost all night long.

“Why dont you come to bed, baby? It’s late.” His voice cut my unpleasant memories and I didn’t turn to face him. If I had done it, I’d have fallen apart right in front of him.

“Just go to sleep, I’ll go in a minute…” I tried as much as could not to show any emotions in my voice.

“No... I miss you Jess. Since you came live with me you didn’t lay with me, you always wait for me to go to sleep and always get up first, I... I need you. I won’t try to do anything you don’t want.”

“I know, Zack, it’s just… forget about it. It’s my problem, not yours.”

“Don’t.” I heard him standing up and coming towards me with a bit of angry steps. God, not fighting. Not now. “Don’t pull that speech on me. We’re in this together, remember?”

“There’s some things you have to fix on your own. It’s just how it is.” I gulped a sob and a tear escaped my eye accidentally. He came closer but my reflex told me to walk a step forward, running from him.

“So you don’t wanna be here with me, that’s the problem?” he didn’t try to come any closer, he just stopped behind me, I could feel his presence as I kept peering at the window and I couldn’t hold my sobs anymore. He was making me angry now.

“My love for you never changed, Zack. And never will. Please, don’t doubt that.”

“So… just come lay with me. I wanna sleep with the sound of your breathing in my ears. I need you, Jess.” This time his fingers held my both arms and his lips got as near as he could to my ear. I had to close my eyes in shivers.

“I... I can’t. I don’ want you to... see my scars. I don’t want you to touch them. They are everywhere, it’s not just in my wrists. They are everywhere in my mind, Zack, everywhere... I’m sorry.” I burst in a silenced crying and he held me strongly but yet so sweetly onto his body.

“It’s okay, Jess. We’re gonna fix this. I promise you.” One of his hands slipped to my belly and to my surprise, he started to rub my skin there. What… what did he mean by that? “Don’t think it’s only your pain to hold, baby. It’s not. I feel like a father since that day. And believe me, I know how much it hurts. But what makes me sane is the fact that we are made to be parents and what happened doesn’t really erase that.”

I wasn’t sure what was really bothering me until he opened my eyes and practically read me like an open book. He never was that thoughtful, that deep in his words. He made me feel something besides fear of not being a good mother and sorrow for killing our baby. He made me realize that hope for better days is what should really matter now. And our love should mean more than anything.

I held his hand tighter in my belly. And maybe the hurting scar there was vanishing little by little.

“How will she look like? Will she... have your eyes or mine?” he mumbled into my ear and I was caught totally unprepared by that question. I took a little while to answer, getting rid of my already old tears still soaking my face. He didn’t say would, he said will.

“I love your eyes.” For the first time I turned to him over my shoulder to stare at his glare lightened by the moon. “So you want a girl?” my smile was little but at least visible now.

“Yes, definitely. She’s gonna be the best pianist of her generation. She’ll learn with the best teacher.” He hugged me tightly and kissed my neck almost imperceptibly. “Then of course, Lauren needs a brother to piss her off. That’s Noah. Probably a killer shredding guitar player.”

“Wow, you even thought about their names... You’re really serious about this, aren’t you?”

“I’m damn serious about this. I wanna marry you.”

‘I got lost out there in this world
Looking for a brand new way to fall down
It's no surprise that things’ gotten worse
And I thank God you never let me drown’

My heart pumped fast while his words echoed through my ears and his fingers travelled up my arms. He held my neck tenderly and spread a trail of kisses there, pulling me out of the frightening thought about his last sentence.

“Just relax, babe… C’mon, let’s go to bed.” He whispered and I softened my body on his finally.

“Let’s stay here and make love by the moonlight. Please…”

‘But I didn't have to lie to myself for so long
I didn't have to let myself get so far gone
I didn't have to make the ones I love feel so alone
I didn't have to die to go to heaven, I just had to go home’

My fingertips brushed down her thighs to grab the hem of her gown and raise it throughout her body, as slowly as I could not to make her tense again. She breathed heavily when her gown was gone and the only thing that was covering the delicate skin of her breasts was my hands.

She didn’t turn to me, maybe she was still unsecured about showing her body so I didn’t question when she let her head fall back on my shoulder as I massaged every single part of her skin I missed so much.

‘While I was having the time of my life
I think my soul died a little every day
I always called to say I'm sorry
You said it's okay
But you should be through it all
You never walked away’

I opened my eyes for a while as I enjoyed the warmness of his whole body embracing me like we were one. I stared at the beautiful moon, saw it sparkling on the moving ocean by the distant horizon and while I couldn’t really face Zack’s deep glare, I had that bright white light to remind me of his eyes.

Will I ever forgive myself? Will he ever forgive me?

‘But I didn't have to lie to myself for so long
I didn't have to let myself get so far gone
I didn't have to make the ones I love feel so alone
I didn't have to die to go to heaven, I just had to go home’

I felt her tensing in my arms a little when my fingers wandered around her thigh and moved towards her clit.

“Babe, we don’t need to do this if you are not ready…” I pulled my hand out and I felt her hands tugging at my hair and holding my neck strongly as I touched my lips on her cheek.

“No, please… just make me yours again.” She pleaded and I could only grant her wish, since it was my biggest wish too. To have her back.

I pulled out her panties and my boxers and she promptly wiggled her hips against me, moaning when she felt how hard I was and how much I longed for her.

‘Into the arms of my angel
Into the peace I left behind
All I had to do to save my own life
Was to look into your eyes’

I watched as he licked his fingers with enigmatic eyes and brought them in between my legs again. Looking into his eyes briefly made me forget about the doubts I still have. They emptied my mind just to fill it with love and desire at the moment he started to move leisurely on my skin.

When he accelerated the pace, my breath quickened and I knew what I wanted more than anything. I needed him to fill me. And when I spread my legs a little more, I felt him sliding his member softly just to tease me, until he finally set it inside of me.

God, if he only knew how much I missed that feeling.

‘But I didn't have to lie to myself for so long
I didn't have to let myself get so far gone
I didn't have to make the ones I love feel so alone
I didn't have to die to go to heaven, to find my angel’

I grabbed her waist with one hand and kept playing with her button with the other as I tried as hard as I could not to accelerate my thrusts on her. I craved to feel her again for so long that I was afraid I could come at any time now.

She wiggled her hips on me again to tear a loud groan from me. She went closer to the window to lean on it and when I noticed how fast I was, her body was being pushed against the cold glass. That’s when I saw how beautiful her skin looked by the moonlight.

“Oh Zack… how much I missed you, babe.” She gasped and pressed her back on my chest, pulling my hand up to get a hold to one of her breasts. I could sense she was coming and when I couldn’t take it anymore, her whole body stretched in my arms and I knew she was there.

‘But I didn't have to lie to myself for so long
I just had to go home
I just had to go home’

I kept moving and clenching my walls until I felt his heavy breath on me and his hot seed dripping down my thighs. I was in heaven again.

“I love you, Jess… so much…” he held my body as tight as he could and I kept moving my waist to enjoy the afterglow. His knees were trembling on him but he kept holding me as if he would never let go.

“I love you more, thank you, baby.”

‘I just had to go home’

“Can we go to bed now?” I smiled in her hair, still breathing fast and I heard her chuckle.

“Yeah, definitely.” I didn’t wait for her to reply, I just carried her to our mattress and we embraced each other again, trading glances inside our soul.

She fell asleep really quickly, as relaxed as I haven’t seen in ages. And I stayed awake for long minutes, thinking about the fact I had asked her to marry me and trying not to get upset when I didn’t have her answer. Well, it wasn’t even a question, was it? It was a statement. I shouldn’t have said it that way. Did I scare her?

And how in the hell could I ask her without even having a ring with me?

Damn it…

Notes

hmm did I scare you with the Heaven title? hahaha didnt mean to xD

and heeey, we had a marriage proposal out of a sudden... doesnt sound like I would write that, right? =p hahaha but as I promised, at least one couple should try their chances with happiness for a change ;)

and what about Emily's promises?? Is Jimmy really buying it now? Are you buying it? =p

hope u like it <3

Song: Heaven by 3 Doors Down