“What about now, Jay, are you ready to see him?” Emily finally asked me when we spent a lot of time talking about everything that happened on the tour while I was away.

I was still shocked with how much had happened after she told me she had broken up with Jimmy on her last phone message without any further explanations. And then she just got back at this subject out of a sudden, me and my lack of courage to face the man I missed so much. God, I don’t deserve him, why is he insisting on me…

“You wanna know why I did it? How I had the strength?” Emily was the only person I felt really comfortable to talk about my feelings so I’d just gonna spit it all out to her.

“Tell me.”

“You warned me not to go with you. Zack warned me about the road. None of you wanted me to quit my job cause you know it was important to me. And I just couldn’t listen, I felt like I hadn’t lived yet, I felt empty doing the same things every day, only playing and playing. I needed an adventure, something I could… tell my grandkids about, you know? You don’t have that kind of rush playing in an orchestra, I wanted the kind of rush you have on the road.”

“We all make bad decisions, Jess…”

“Yeah but… I don’t, Emily. I never did something like that, I never took risks, and once I did, I lost control of everything else. They have a new pianist and it killed me when I saw how happy she looked, wearing the exact same smile I was when I left. Now I can’t even sit close to a piano cause I’d start crying, thinking about what I lost and won’t have back. And… I couldn’t stay close to you or… him for the same motive. I disappointed you two, I was so hypocrite judging you and…”

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you can start again, with him, with me, with your parents… with yourself. See! You’re already talking to me and facing me, that’s a huge step. But I need you to take another step now, Jess. You need this, you need him. He’s not here to blame you for anything, he’s blaming himself all this time.”

“I hurt him. I don’t think I…” why people couldn’t understand how serious was the fact that I was responsible for a life inside of me and I… simply killed it. I’d never know the color of his eyes. I’d never know the color of her hair. And that is something I’ll carry with me forever, this guilt. Me, only.

“Yes, you can, you’re the strongest person I know, Jessica. I always mirrored myself on you, secretly of course.” Emily smirked and I answered with an invisible smile. “I always wanted to be like you, to be successful and virtuous like you are, to have full control of my life, you know?”

“And I always wanted to be like you… to be free of my own mind restrictions and don’t give a shit about anything that is not my music. And I’d appreciate to have your perfect pitched ears too, by the way…” I shrugged and we traded sweet smiles.

“If we could exchange brains, we would be so much happier, wouldn’t we?” Emily added and we both chuckled. “He’s waiting for too long outside, babe. He deserves to know you still care about him, you two suffered enough being apart. I’m gonna call him in, alright?”

“He’s probably gone already…” I wished he was gone. But I wished he was embracing me at the same time. What kind of… mixture of feelings is that?

“No, he’s not. He won’t leave until you see him. And I’m about to prove I’m right when I open this door. You gotta promise me you’ll see him. Are you ready?”

“No, I’m not.” She ignored my negative and opened the door. She stepped away from my sight and there he was, seating alone in one of those innumerous empty chairs, his head down on his both hands. Emily was right, he wouldn’t give up. “God, Ems, I can’t look at his hurt eyes knowing I’m the cause of it.” I whispered one last time but I knew it would be worthless.

“Zack, come here. She wants to see you now.” I saw him raising his head swiftly to look at Emily and then at me. Our eyes met causing my tears to flow down my face.

The hardest thing I had to do. Face him. Face my mistakes looking back at me through his eyes. Trying to leave this world wasn’t as half as hard.
When he rose up from his seat, I saw him grab something on the chair and walk slowly towards the door where Emily was ready to head off.

“I’m waiting outside, okay?” she said it to me, nodded to Zack one last time and left, closing the door when he was inside.

He was static in front of me, and now I could see what he had in hands. His guitar.
I didn’t know where to start. Neither did he, apparently.

“Don’t ever leave me again, Jay.” He sounded desperate and looked so tired, gasping the words as he walked closer hesitantly.

I gulped my sobs and closed my eyes to hide my fear. My heart was close from popping out of my chest, I was finally feeling alive, when I felt his hands landing in my cheeks and moving to my hair to bring me closer to his warmth.

It was incredible how I broke down on his arms like I never did before at the minute I smelled his scent. That’s why I was alive. That’s my answer. He’s my answer. He is that part of me that I thought that had died already.

“I screwed up, I screwed up babe, I’m so sorry, please, forgive me.” I kept mumbling on his ear until he took my lips to land on his and I felt those butterflies that I thought they were dead flying through my whole body. He had taken off his snakebites, his kiss was warmer now.

“Shh, stop it. I missed you so much, the thought of losing you almost made me lose it. I… I don’t have the right words to say here, you know I never have, it’s my big weakness. But I couldn’t stop thinking about a song that was telling everything I wanted to say inside my head. You know I always keep my guitar in my trunk so… I wanna play it for you, should I?”

I could just nod as he fixed the acoustic guitar on his lap and started strumming those notes I knew very well. It made my heart ache again, but it was a good kind of pain. The pain that reminded me I was about to start over again. Not alone, but with him and with Emily by my side.

‘How can I just let you walk away?
Just let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me?
When all I can do is watch you leave?
Cause we shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all’

His eyes turned watery when our gazes met again and stayed connected permanently. He didn’t need to look at his fret board and I could notice his voice was shaky but still, so beautiful and echoing deep within my chest and ears.

‘So take a look at me now
Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Oh take a look at me now
Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've gotta face’

“Alright… yeah, I’ll wait for you at the airport, just tell me when you land, okay? Thanks for this, she… she really needs her friends now.”

Emily finished her phone call and walked closer to her room door, opening it a little. She leaned on the threshold and observed Zack playing that song so silently and lovingly for Jess. A big smile crept up on her lips and she had a great idea for the next time she’ll be visiting Jimmy. Zack had just shown her the way.

‘I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all
Now take a look at me now
Cause there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, it’s all I can do
And that's what I’ve gotta face
Take a good look at me now
Cause I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's a chance I’ve gotta take’

After those final words he sang, I had to wipe my face and hide it on my hands, I got really touched by that song and the way he meant those words. Suddenly, one of his hands left the guitar to raise my chin up to his eyes soflty. The hurt on his gaze that was haunting me was gone. Then he strummed the last notes without never letting my eyes run from him again.

‘Take a look at me now’

I would never run from him again.

“We can try again, babe, I wanna try again. I want it all with you.” He whispered looking right through me. I couldn’t stop my tears anymore.

“I lost our baby, Zack. I… I’m not worthy of your love.” I tried to escape from his hands, but he held my cheeks again to keep facing him, never hurting me.

“Shh… Don’t. Don’t say that. We can make as many babies as you want anytime you want. I wanna grow old with you, we’ll have plenty of time for that. I love you.”

“I’m so sorry.” I fell down on his arms when I heard him saying I love you. Oh god, how much I wanted to hear that again. I couldn’t control my heavy sobs as he held me tight on his chest and heard his soothing heart beat in my ear.

“It’s okay, baby, it’s okay... shhh. You’re gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay.”

---

“You know... I never spent one day without thinking about that girl. Aymee. It haunts me everytime I go to sleep and sometimes when I wake up. She’s there, saying exactly the same words she last spoke to me, that I would pay for what I’ve done and I should rot in hell. And she’s damn right, that’s what I deserve.”

“Well, it wasn’t your fault you couldn’t correspond to her love anymore. She was a troubled girl, Jimmy. She was walking towards her own destruction and there was nothing you could’ve done about it. She hated her life. Stop blaming yourself, you didn’t kill her.”

“I can’t stop this feeling I should be the one leaving in her place. Maybe it’s my time now, to pay this debt.”

“You shouldn’t carry a burden that is not yours to take. You couldn’t know she was sick, she never mentioned to you before, she was risking her own life and she knew the consequences, she was a smart person.”

“I... I wanna talk to her one last time. If I... just go, do you think I could talk to her again?”

“I can’t know, I’m just part of your mind. I don’t know what’s beyond. You can only find out if you... dare to go there.”

“I wanna see what’s beyond. I wanna see her again.”

“It means you’ll never see Emily again. Or your friends, your family, your band, your fans. It’s up to you. Is it really worth it to leave everybody that loves you behind just like that?”

When I was thinking about a good answer, I felt two hands grabbing mine, one person by each side. Then I heard my mom’s voice and my dad’s. They kept telling me to come back. My mom was crying, I could tell by her trembled voice.

I felt tears forming in my eyes that felt so dry before. I hated to disappoint them once again by not being the son they wanted me to be.

“God, is he... is he crying?” my mom asked and I felt her silky touch wiping the tear away from my cheek. “If you can hear us, please, son, just come back. We miss you.”

I wanted to say how much I missed them too, I wanted so bad. But I coulnd’t wake up, something was still holding me inside my mind. Was it this damn indecision?

I don’t know.

Do I really wanna die?

Notes

daaamn, jimmy is slipping through our fingeeeers =/