“Can you please do something right for the first time in your life and tell him to go? He did enough for us.” Jess’ father yelled at me, her mom still in his arms in shock, ignoring Zack`s presence among us in the emergency waiting room.

God, it was just so hard to believe she did it...

They had just taken Jess, still alive, to make a stomach wash and try to take the pills out of her system when they had already controlled the bleeding during the ambulance ride. And I just couldn´t stop thinking why the hell I wasn`t there earlier to prevent it. If only I had taken the earlier flight with them… I could’ve convinced her not to…

“Why don’t you talk directly to me sir? Huh?” Zacky was losing his self-control and I had to intervene, separating his body from her dad that had stood up to face him. “I’m not leaving her, whether you like it or not!”

“Can’t you see this is all your fault? You destroyed our daughter, she gave up her brilliant career because of you, you knocked her up, drugged and abandoned her, what more do you want from her?”

“Zack, leave it. Let’s go outside, c’mon. You need some fresh air.” He was as red as pepper, gasping his enraged breathe on me as I try to hold him back.

“At least I didn’t leave her behind like you did, I came back to take care of her, something I know you two aren’t capable of!” Zack shouted one last time and I got him to turn his back to finally leave the room.

“Zack, she’s gonna be okay, she’s alive, that’s what matters now.” I tried to calm him down in an empty corridor but he looked helpless and hectic.

“Did you see how much blood she lost? And… and her mother’s pills, god, how many did she take? I called her and left messages every single day we were apart but she never picked up, I thought she… she had moved on, you know? I thought she was happy with someone else, I thought…” I placed my hands on his shoulders, trying to make him stop moving his head around in such chaotic movement.

“Zack, just breathe. Stop thinking for a while. Don’t let them get to you.” He just hid his red eyes with his left hand and I brought him into a hug. “I left her messages everyday too, sometimes just to hear her voice on the recording, telling her how much I needed her there with me and how you missed her. Do you think she heard them?”

“I don’t know, Emily… Maybe our messages stopped her from moving on with her life? They are right, this is all our fault.” He gasped those words really close to my ear while his head was resting on my shoulder.

“Zack, she loves you, you know that. She would never move on without you. You’re good to her, don’t listen to them, no one is to blame for what happened. She needs us both now.” I kept moving my hands on his back to comfort him and felt him breathing heavily and shakily as somebody else’s approached us.

Zack pulled away from our hug and Brian was standing in front of us with frowned worried eyes. Oh damn it, could this day get any worse?

“How’s she?” he asked and came to give a big bro hug on Zack, who looked miserable from miles away.

“We don’t know yet… She’s bad, man.” Brian kept staring at his friend with worry and then glanced towards me, a different kind of look, but still worried.

He didn’t move a feet to come closer to me or hug me and I appreciated for that. The last thing I wanted was to remember his warmth and his power over me so it was best for us to stay away from each other.

“How’s Jimmy? Did they land safely?” I asked in a cold tone.

“Yeah, Matt and Johnny are still taking care of things at the hospital he’s staying and explaining everything to his family so I told them I would come here to check on Jess and you two. Do you guys need anything?”

Zack shook his head, distracted with the ground. Then he looked at me again, glaring deep inside my soul with those dark eyes and I felt like tearing down on his arms to cry for hours. That was the only place I could feel relieved and safe lately. And when I shook my head like Zack, I remembered the pills in my pocket.

I knew that thing was strong. I haven’t had cravings anymore but now, after a day like this, when the image of my best friend lying on the cold floor surrounded by blood wasn’t leaving my mind at any costs, all I wished was to erase every bit of my conscious. And I was definitely aware that those pills in my pocket could do the trick if taken in higher doses.

Fuck, Emily! Stop thinking about it…

“I… I need to… go to the restroom, I’ll be right back.” I faced Brian one last time before turning my back and quickening my pace towards any bathroom I could find.

Terrible time to have that desperate need, huh?

I entered and checked if anyone was around. It was empty. Then I began to pace around the room, in front of the sinks and the big mirror, almost losing it to the choking feeling I had in my throat.

I couldn’t look myself in the mirror again after that day. I was eating again, checking my weight daily and I knew I was getting my body back but I just… wasn’t ready to face myself yet.

“Just… calm down Emily, you don’t need it. You’re okay now, you don’t wanna go back to that, right? That’s the last thing Jess would want you to do. She needs you now, damn it! Get it together!”

I went pacing back and forth several times and grabbed the bottle of pills in my hand. What if I just take two? It won’t affect me that bad, no one would notice. Maybe three?

“God, I can’t do this…” I was denying it but my eager fingers were opening the vial already. I could taste the magnificent numbness taking my body away from my senses.

Somebody stop me, please…

“Hey Em, are you okay?” Brian stepped into the room all of a sudden, causing a big jolt in my body.

“Oh, fuck, you scared me!” I quickly placed the pills back to my pocket and I hoped he didn’t notice anything.

“Sorry I… I didn’t like the look on your eyes when you left us. Are you still getting sick?” he checked if the place was clear for him to come in and came closer, really worried.

“Just… stay back, alright?” I gave a step back myself. “I’m okay I… just need to wash my face to cool down.”

His eyes squinted towards me as he stopped walking and I just remembered I couldn’t lie to him.

“You’re shaking, you look like panicking, you’re not okay, I think you need to lie down. I can take you to my place for a while and...”

“No, I’m fine, really I… just need you to take this again.” My hands wanted to stop me but I managed to take the pills out of my pocket again and deliver it to him swiftly. “I thought I… I could handle it on my own but… not right now, not anymore. Just keep it away from me, please.”

He took the vial away from my sight and sighed.

“Did you take more pills than you should?”

“No, I… actually, I was about to do that when you walked in.” I breathed several times in relief and gulped hard, bending my hands down on the sink.

“Are you craving?” he stepped closer again and when I felt his hand landing in my back, I moved away and ran from his touch in a jolt.

“Yeah… but it’s good now, I’m good. You were here in time…”

“Em, please, just… let me…” he insisted on approaching me and I had to interrupt.

“Brian, I need to be alone now. Please, stay away from me, I’m begging you.”

I closed my eyes, let the water run through the tap and washed my face and a few traces of Jess blood I still had in my fingers. Brian didn’t say anything else, he just rushed out in angry steps, leaving me behind like I asked, to cry hard until I could wash all the burden I was carrying away from my shoulders.

Turns out, I could never wash it all away now.

---

They waited all day long for Jess to wake up with their aching hearts hurting more at each minute that passed by. It was after midnight when Emily and Zack saw by distance her parents getting called inside the room. Her mom started crying as the doctor spoke to them and we held our breaths. As soon as they entered her room, Zack stood up promptly.

“Oh god, they won’t let us see her. Maybe you but… not me. And… maybe she won’t wanna see me anyway.” He shrugged.

“I’ll go in and I’m gonna talk to her, alright? You’re next. Not even if I have to lock her parents inside a room here. Don’t worry about it.”

Her parents stayed inside the room for a few minutes until her father left the room, passed by them without even looking and went out. He seemed really altered. Zacky and Emily traded frowns. When they finally saw her mother coming out, they both stood up and ran to her. She was desolated.

“She… she doesn’t wanna talk to us, she didn’t… she asked us to leave her alone for good. She said she did it cause… she doesn’t wanna see us ever again.” She cried harder and Emily gave her a hug while looking deeply at Zack’s eyes.

They were talking with their eyes again. Cause they knew they were the only ones to know how much damage Jess’ parents caused in her head in the first place. They were responsible too but it wasn’t their job to tell her mom that. Jess would have to face them eventually and Emily would make sure she’d set up her differences with her parents whenever she’s ready. But she would have to help her face Zack first.

“I’m gonna try to talk to her, okay mrs. Lockhart? We’ll take her out of this, I promise you.” She nodded and let go of me, heading away and wiping her tears.

“C’mon Z, let’s do this together.” Emily showed her hand, he breathed once and grabbed it strongly.

She opened the door slowly and careful not to make big noises as they walked in, hand in hand. Jess was lying in the bed with her back facing the door, just like Emily had found her in that hospital in Portland. But her hair was black now, and she had only noticed it now. Zack had noticed before, when she was unconscious on that floor, unfortunately.

“Jess? Can we come in? Zack is here with me.”

“Tell him to go.” Her husky voice hurt Zack deeply. He wished he could just pull her on his arms and tell her he would never let her go again. But he was just stuck in his feet glued to the ground, motionless. He never knew the right thing to say, never, and he hated himself for that.

“Jess, we’re worri…”

“I don’t wanna see him.” She interrupted, no emotions on her tone, only coldness. That ice that could make Zack turn his back immediately to move away from the room.

Emily tried to hold his hand but he left anyway. She pursed her lips, breathed heavily and walked closer to her friend’s bed.

Instead of asking how she was feeling exactly like she had said on last time, she decided for a different approach. Ignore her suicide attempt for a while.

“You knew we were going back today?”

“Yeah, he told me in one of his messages.” Jess answered dryly, still not turning to face her friend. “He told me something happened to Jimmy but he didn’t say what.”

“Yep, Jimmy’s in coma.”

Jess didn’t reply instantly. She didn’t have anything to say though she cared a lot about Jimmy. She felt so petrified inside, like she had no feelings and her heart had died but she was still alive somehow. Why… I was alive? Why?

“Why am I still here?” Jess whispered and Emily could barely hear.

“Cause you deserve a second chance. Even I deserved…” Emily sat on the edge of her bed and watched her friend with eyes closed and bandaged wrists lying on the pillow.

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t wanna tell you this over those messages. I think you noticed I stopped calling you for a few days, right?”

“I thought you had given up.” Jess sniffed and gulped once, with eyes shut still, holding her tears back.

“No, I wouldn’t give up on you and I was hoping you knew that. I stopped calling you cause I was loading my body with heroin all the time and I was in the verge of killing myself. But I couldn’t, I wasn’t brave enough like you were.”

“Thanks…” she grumbled and Emily regretted her use of words at the same time.

“But then, something made me wanna live again, you know? Or better, it stopped me from taking my life. It wasn’t something actually, it was someone. I was blaming everyone around me for my own misery and then I started to blame only myself for everybody's misery. Desperation was burying me alive when… Brian pulled me out of it. And helped me all the way through my nightmare, stood beside me when I thought I would die without a fix and never left my side until I got clean. But only because I finally let him show his love for me. You need to let Zack show how much he missed you and how much he needs you, or you’ll never know and you’ll never allow yourself to be happy and want to live again. You need to let your guards down, he’s waiting for it all this time, just let him in, Jess. Let him go inside your heart and mend it back, he won’t let you down, believe me.”

Jess thought about Emily’s speech for a while and there was too much information to absorb. But somehow, her words, the way she said it, had affected her in a certain way. Of course she still loved Zack but something was stopping her from finally facing him and she couldn’t destroy that mental barrier, she spent this whole time trying. But all she could do was listen to their phone messages and cry all day long, blaming her parents, Emily, Zack, everyone, then, only herself. Exactly like Emily described what she felt.

When Jess finally decided to open her teary gray eyes to Emily, she had to contain her startle. She never saw her friend that thin, she imagined she must’ve been going through hell either.

“So… what happened, J?” Emily’s inviting tone awakened a urge to finally say what had been crushing her soul since she got back.

“I’m tired, Ems. I screwed up, I can’t get my life back, my job. I lost everything I had inside. I’m already dead, I just wanted to finish the job.” Her teardrops finally escaped her eyes and she closed them back, sinking her face on the pillow.

“No, you’re not. You’re talking to me, your heart is still beating, you’re still feeling. And as long as I’m here you won’t dare to leave me. I need you, Jess. And I know right now you need me and Zack by your side too. Cause we are not planning to let you go ever again.”

“I don’t know if I’m strong enough…” she shook her head and tried to hide on her pillow again, sinking deeper.

“I don’t know if I am either. But I’m willing to figure it out with you. We’re gonna help each other through this like always, alright? Are you with me?” Emily stood up in front of her and held one of her hands, making Jess’ eyes pop open again. “Are you?”

She nodded a lot of times for Emily’s relief and sat up to explode in tears on Emily’s embrace. Emily couldn’t help but cry hard on her shoulder too.

“Damn, you’re so skinny, woman.” Jess mumbled in between sobs.

“And damn, you’re brunette!?” Emily answered on her ear and she heard Jess chuckling. She felt so good by hearing that sound.

“Well, what can I say… You were wrong, people do change.”

“Yeah… you’re right, Jay. We’ve really changed.”

They kept sharing that long lasting hug until Jess was too weary to keep sitting in that position and they both ceased crying.

Notes

took too long, I know, but those chaps are kinda hard to write, u know? gotta think about it a lot to write it right.

I hope you enjoyed it and liked a little bit of Emily here, she's trying ;)

and what about Zack? Will Jess finally face him?