“…and what about him? Can you forgive your best friend?”

I breathed in and out and kept listening to Brian’s words to me. He described everything that happened to Emily, how he found her, how he was trying to keep her clean by locking her in a hotel room until the time Jason came with the solution to her almost death. Wow, it was a lot to handle.

“…and you can think I’m lying when I say this but… I’m in love with her, man. I have this urge inside of me to always see her happy. I know I screwed up, we hurt you playing those games, hiding from you. I thought she was just a fling for you at first. The last thing I wanted was to break your heart, Jim. But I couldn’t stay away this time. I’m so sorry, man.”

I was able to believe in each word he said, surprisingly, even after he lied to me so many times looking inside my eyes. Somehow, I still saw him as my friend and could finally believe he was really in love with the same woman I was. But it didn’t erase the fact I was damn angry at him.

“I don’t know. It’s so hard to put everything that happened behind. He cheated on me with my girl, he lied several times, he…”

“He was trying to move on when you sent Emily on the bus that day, right?”

“Yeah, I guess he was but…”

“You wanted to hurt her.”

I thought about it for a few seconds.

“Yeah, I hate the fact she was with me wanting to be with him.”

“They grew apart, she was only with you. And you still wanted to hurt her. Don’t you think you’ve made a few mistakes over your jealousy too?”

“Yeah, I did… But I’m still not sure if I wanna talk to Brian again. Our friendship was too worn-out to get it back the way it was once. I don’t know…”

“… I’m sorry for punching you and saying those things I… I hadn’t slept for two days, I had blown some, I was just… I know it doesn’t justify anything but… She wanted to talk to you and I thought it wasn’t the best idea for her to get near you when she was still on her recovery process. She wanted to convince you to get clean with her. And I let my jealousy speak for my fists and my words, I’m sorry, bro. Just… get your ass back here as soon as you can, alright? We fucking miss you…”

I felt him getting up and leaving the room. Now I was alone with my own blabbering mind again.

“She’s getting clean apparently. She’s fighting for herself now. Don’t you wanna be brave and follow the example?”

I snorted a laugh.

“Life is not a fucking bed of roses, you know? Most of the time you wanna get rid of your demons and there’s just one fucking thing that can do that. It’s called heroin.”

“But now that you are here, stuck on this bed and inside your mind, you don’t need it, do you? You are detoxing right now, and you’re not going through the nightmare Emily had to go through. It’s your chance to get rid of this now.”

“I don’t know, I can’t feel my body, this feeling is pretty awesome actually. But I know as soon as I wake up, I’m gonna have to get back to my habit. I can’t last a single tour without it. Don’t get me wrong, I love to play, I love to be onstage, but the price you gotta pay… You gotta pay with your life, man. You get lonely, you spent all the time in the road without your family, you don’t sleep well, you don’t eat well, it drains every bit of energy you have.”

“You are aware you don’t need to do this for the rest of your life, right?”

“I’m nothing without my drums. It’s all I have.”

“You don’t need to stop playing. You just... gotta give yourself some time away from all of this. Maybe you need a change.”

“I don’t see myself playing in another band with other people. I belong with them.”

“Well, you have all the time in the world to imagine new scenarios for you. Take this time and start picturing your life without everything that is not good for you. Think if it’s really worth trading your whole life ahead of you for momentarily euphoria. Is it?”

“I’m not sure if I can be truly happy without it. It’s probably not possible.”

“If there’s something I learned in life, is that everything you can achieve with drugs, you can achieve without it too. No doubt about it.”

“I don’t know what’s like to feel sober. I forgot the feeling. I'm scared I might not like it.”

“You’re gonna have the opportunity to remember if you wake up.”

I had nothing more to say. I felt so tired now. I need silence to process all of this. And I was so thankful my head finally decided to give it to me.

---

When everything was set up to transfer Jimmy to a hospital in California, Matt signed the papers and was chosen to go in the chopper with him as the responsible. He surely was in good hands.

I decided to take a later flight so I wouldn’t meet up with any of them again, I could feel they weren’t too pleased at the fact they had to see me around Jimmy. Especially Brian.
I know he regretted what happened that night, I regretted not going to talk to Jimmy before everything too, but we had to accept that there was no turning back, the damage was done. And I wouldn’t change my mind about not wanting to see Brian anymore. I wasn’t ready to forgive him for losing control like that so my plan was to avoid him the most I could. Until I could get him out of my system, if that was possible.

I mean… I could never forget what he did to help me, I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for him. I’ll be forever thankful. But what he did to Jimmy hurt me profoundly. And the fact that I was the one to blame for that hurt me more.

I had to focus all my attention on Jimmy now, even though I still had a few withdraw symptoms, but they were much less now. But before I could go check him at the hospital, I had to do one more thing. Find Jess.

I called her parents’ house while I was at the cab, not really expecting someone would answer it as the other times before. But for my surprise, this time, her mom picked up quickly. My whole body shivered when I heard her voice, so similar to Jess I thought it was her at first.

“Mrs. Lockhart… I know I’m not the…”

“Is she with you?” she interrupted with a worried voice and I frowned.

“Jess? No, I… I just landed here in Cali, I was…”

“Yeah, I know, she told me you were about to come back. And… then I went to her room and she… she’s gone. She left her cellphone and everything behind, Emily, I… she’s not okay, she’s not eating, she wouldn’t get out of her room until now, my heart is telling me she’s doing something really stupid!” her yammering made my heart pump as fast as never before.

“Jess is the wisest person I know, she wouldn’t… Did you check on our house?”

“I’m about to go there… her father is searching on the neighborhood… I… I’m scared, Emily.”

“Just… just calm down. I’m heading to our house, we meet there, I have the keys. We’ll find her!”

We hung up and I asked the cab driver to go faster. I had a really bad feeling eating my guts now.

“Hey… Zack? Can you meet me at my house? You need to help me, I think… Jess is missing…”

---

As soon as I arrived at my house, I saw Jess’ parents waiting for me at the door. They looked as worried as I thought.

“It’s dark inside. I don’t think she’s in there.” Her father said, trying to peek through the window.

“We’re about to find out.” when I was ready to unlock the door, our attention drove back to the street. Zacky’s SUV parked just in front and he rushed out like a hurricane.

“Did you find her? Is she in there?” he approached, looking red and nervous.

“What are you doing here? Who called you?” her father came closer to Zack with his temper rising, to make him step back and his wife tried to hold him. “She doesn’t need you here!”

Damn it, I should know this would happen.

“John, we need to find her now, let it go.” said his wife, pushing him back.

“No! I don’t want him near my daughter anymore! This is all your fault, Emily, you brought those kind of people with you and ruined her life!” he looked at me and Zack begged me with his sad eyes to open the door and ignore that whole scene there.

“We need all the help we can get to find your daughter now, Mr. Lockhart. Can you put aside your differences with us for now at least?” I said it harshly as I opened the door and he didn’t protest.

The first thing I saw inside was her piano. Completely crushed into pieces spread around the living room. She loved that thing, it was the first thing she bought with her first payment. I closed my eyes for a second and felt a little of the pain she was probably feeling to do that. I felt a big stab in my heart and swallowed hard.

“Oh god… what happened here…” her mom gasped, covering her mouth with her hand as they walked inside.

The house was a mess. I could taste the hell she was living inside her head as I ran through the kitchen and the corridor that led on our rooms. Her door semi opened and I hesitated to walk in at first. The sting in my heart just got worse.

I took a deep breathe, gazed at Zack just behind me and whispered.

“Hold them back… I’m gonna check her room.”

“You think she…”

“I don’t know… just… hold them.” When the subject was Jess, Zack and I had the deepest conversations just by the look on our eyes. We knew her too well.

I walked in bravely and turn on the lights. When I passed through her wardrobe, I almost turned my back to run and cry at what my eyes caught. Her feet spread on the floor.

“STAY OUTSIDE!” I yelled when I heard Zack arguing with her parents and I approached her with my legs trembling on me. “Jess…”

When I turned again I saw her seating in the ground with her back bent on a wall. And blood everywhere. Again. Fuck.

She had a razor stuck in one of her wrists. And the other was wide open and jetting around her. I kneeled quickly, brushed my tears away and took off my belt to try to stop the bleeding on one of her arms at least.

“Jess… talk to me, babe. I’m so sorry. Wake up.” I whispered and got near her face, she was pale from the blood loss, just like that day I found her on the hotel. “Don’t leave me here, I need you, don’t go like that! CALL EMERGENCY, ZACK. I FOUND HER.”

Then I saw a bottle of pills spread on the toilet floor ahead of me. I grabbed it and saw her mom’s name printed on it, her prescript painkillers.

Ohh Jess… she fucking knew what she was doing.

I checked her pulse, it was still there and her skin was warm, she was still alive but probably hanging by a thread by the amount of blood she had lost and the pills she took. God, where are those paramedics??

“No, please… stay back, no!” I heard Zack’s voice coming inside the room and suddenly her both parents were standing behind me, shocked and frozen gaze at Jess’ state lying on the ground. Oh no…

“OH GOD!” her parents shouted it in unison and the terror on their voices would haunt me forever, I knew that.

Zacky couldn’t hold them much longer, I knew he wouldn’t be able to. Her mom fainted on her husband’s arms and Zack came quickly to help place her on the bed. Then he stood still, watching the woman he loved and missed so much losing her life before his disturbed and perplexed eyes.

“Where are they, Zack…” I cried, trying to handle my desperation. “Gimme your belt, I need to stop this bleeding.”

He opened up his lips but nothing came out, he just managed to move his hands to his belt and take it off in a swift move. Then I looked at her again, her breathing was slower now and moved my gaze to the ground close to her blood, finding a scrunched note being soaked by it. I grabbed before it happened and opened it.

‘My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied?
Christ, tourniquet
My suicide’

My tears took over my eyes when I finished reading and I heard the ambulance arriving, finally.

Notes

god, this one was so hard to write...

Song: Tourniquet - Evanescence