“Where’d you go?” Matt just arrived at their floor, ready to get inside his room but Jimmy was there blocking his way with a blank expression on his face.

“I… I was…” Matt stuttered, he wasn’t expecting for that. He managed to get out with their bags without anyone seeing him. But somehow Jimmy knew he had left.

“Where’s her stuff? You… you waited for me to go take a shower, sneaked into my room and took her bags away. You’re the only one who has my key! Where’s she, Matt?” his tone was verging on madness towards his friend. “Where is she!!?” he whispered with clenched teeth.

“Look, Jimmy, I told you she doesn’t wanna see you. She didn’t tell me where she is, alright?”

“And tell me how did you take her stuff to her if you don’t know where she is, huh?” Jimmy stepped too close and Matt knew he couldn’t keep lying to him. “He’s with her, isn’t he? He’s fucking doing exactly what I said, he’s turning her against me!”

“Brian is helping her wear off all the dope you two had so I think he’ll be really busy with other things besides turning her against you. Shouldn’t you start thinking about quitting too?” Jimmy rolled his eyes to that.

“What are you talking about? I’m fine, we were fine until I… Look, we are not addicts, alright? There’s nothing wrong with trying to have some fun and relax while you’re on a fucking road playing gigs every single night. You all should know that better than anyone!” he was on defensive mode, first thing an addict does when confronted. Matt was able to notice that instantly.

“It doesn’t look like fun anymore. How long you’ve been into this, Jimmy?” he saddened his tone.

“What I do or do not is none of your damn business! I’m gonna find out where she is, you telling me or not, traitor!” he turned his back and walked to his room, slamming the door loudly.

This would be harder than Matt had thought.

---

We had to go from the bed to the toilet seat for too many times in the last hours so we just decided to hang around there, on the bathroom floor, making small talk to distract her while waiting for the next time she’d be sick again. It was about 3 am when she finally stopped feeling nauseated and the pain ceased for a while.

“Hey, do you feel like taking a bath now? It might help you with the fever.” I stood up from the floor and turn on the water tap from the bathtub when she nodded. Then I showed my hand to her. She looked up at me with sad puppy eyes and I smiled. I got what she meant by that, she needed more than just my hand to stand up.

I gave her my shoulder and she leaned on me as I helped her get up slowly. She had her arms around my neck and was making me stare deeply into her eyes. She didn’t have to say anything, I could read them very well.

“Do you want me to… help you get undressed?” she waited a few seconds and then nodded shyly. “Alright, you can lean on me as I unbutton your pants.”

"Brian…” she finally opened her mouth with an expression combined with a Brian I knew very well what it was when I crouched in front of her.

“C’mon, I’ve seen you naked before. Don’t be shy.” I smirked back up at her just to loosen up the tension but I knew it would be back in when she’d notice where my hand would be going first. At her back pockets.

I found three thin syringes, needles, a lighter and a last heroin dose. Showed them all to her, one by one, and she looked away embarrassed, like I was taking one of her vital organs away from her. I placed the stuff on the sink and now I could be peaceful while taking care of her. If it depended on me, she’d never see that stuff again in her life.

“Sorry…” she muttered.

“It’s okay.”

I let my fingers slid from her back to her front gradually not to make her jolt with my touch and helped the fabric slip down her legs. She stepped out and then I had to drag her panties down by gently brushing my fingertips all the way down her skin. Although she clenched her thighs for me not to peek at anything, it never occurred to me thinking about looking at her on inappropriate or sexual way this time. I respect her above all.

“Raise your arms for me.” I stood back up and raised her shirt then unlocked her bra carefully.
She covered her breasts right away from my sight and I noticed she started trembling again from cold so I checked the water temperature and I signed for her it was ready. She stepped inside slowly with my help and I tried hard not to focus on the very visible spine line her back was showing to me. My heart squeezed again in my chest when all I could see was bones popping out of her skin everywhere.

“The water is good for you?” she nodded and closed her eyes, finally relaxing on the tub.
I got the sponge and the soap and when I began to wash her arm and neck, I felt her eyes stuck on my face. “What?”

“You’re bathing me.” she seemed surprised.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” I kept rubbing all the extension of her arm softly, going through all her bruises and marks, until I reached her fingers and washed one by one. She watched as a tiny smile grew on her lips.

"Nothing, I just… I like it.” she relaxed her head back on the tub but didn’t close her eyes this time, she followed my every move as I went to the other arm and did the same ritual.

I went down her legs, moving them upwards to my reach and cleaning from her thighs down to her feet where I stopped for a while to massage them. I could tell she was enjoying because she started to let out a few quiet moans.

“Hmm, you’re pretty good at this.” I looked up and she finally let her eyes shut off.

“You’re my very first client.” I said seductively and she giggled quietly. I was glad I could make her forget about her pain and all the symptoms for a while.

When I was done there, I sat back close to her and asked her to bend forward so I could clean her back. The relaxed atmosphere just got washed down the drain when I saw her spine bones again. I tried not to hurt her as I moved my fingers along with the sponge and washed all her skin.

At the moment she leaned back again, I caught a glimpse of her bruised forehead. Almost at the same place she had hit on that car accident.

“I’m gonna go get something to clean your forehead, be right back.” I ran quickly to the bedroom and got the stuff. “You don’t wanna get an infection. C’mon, let me see it.”

She dragged her head closer and I started cleaning the coagulated blood away from her skin with gauze, brushing it as softly as I could not to give her any more pain. I begged inside my mind she’d start talking but the insistent silence was killing me.

“You’re probably wondering where I got that, right?” she finally broke into it.

“Yeah, do you wanna tell me now?”

“No I don’t, but I feel like I need to.” I heard her swallow thick as her eyes turned into sad ones again to me. “I had no money left with me and I needed to buy more, but I wasn’t willing to get back to the hotel and face everybody. So I just sat on a bar and finished my last bucks in booze. That’s when he appeared…”

“Who?” I frowned.

She hesitated to give me an answer at first, and only after a deep breathe, she let out. “Your friend… Scott.”

I finished cleaning her head and licked my lips, frown bigger than before. What the fuck was he doing there?

“He said he had enough for us both on his hotel room and if I wanted it I’d have to go with him.”

“And you… went?”

“Yeah… If I didn’t take a shot, I’d start shaking and withdrawing in a few hours. So it made me ignore the fact that he’d definitely want something in repay. Well, I think he just wanted to… to get his revenge for me taking his place on the band, you know.” she shrugged with teary eyes and I knew right away where this conversation was going now. And it was seething me with anger

“He did this to you.” I didn’t ask, I stated.

“He was forcing himself on me and I was pretty sedated when I tried to escape. He was able to hold me and… crashed my head on the table to stop me.” her eyes moved away from mine.

My fists clenched more at each word and I felt like going after the fucker right then but I sensed there was more to come.

“I got dizzy and couldn’t do anything else to run so he just took off his pants, grabbed my hair and… made me…” her disgusted expression told me what words did not.

We stood in silence as she washed her face, trying to get rid of her tears and of those memories.

“That son of a bitch!! You should’ve told me this before, I would’ve taken you to the police, I... I would’ve smashed his head into the ground several times myself! Just… just tell me where he’s staying!” My fury was overflowing through my pores when she caressed my hand, her tears running down her cheeks.

“Brian, forget about him. I think he had what he deserved. When I got my senses back, I ended up biting him and stole his dope before I could run away.”

“You… you did what? You… bit him?” I couldn’t hide my amusement although I knew it wasn’t enough to punish the motherfucker.

“Yeah…”

“Way to go!” she stared at my widened eyes for a few seconds and for one second I thought I had upset her. When I was about to retreat myself from my lack of sensitivity, she gave out to her sense of humor and grinned along, rolling her eyes.

It reminded me I should never get that woman pissed off with my pants down my feet. Stupid thought, I know.

I only hoped she wouldn’t think I’d forget about this. I wanted her to forget it but no, I wouldn’t. The scumbag better pray not to bump with me ever again. But I knew I’d find him eventually.

“The water is getting cold. Can you grab a towel for me?” I nodded, brought her the towel and helped her get out of the tub.

She was on shy mode again when I began to dry her skin from her legs up to her belly and arms, and softening my rubbing when I reached her breasts. Her hands moved quickly from my shoulders to land on top of mine, making my fingers squeeze them a little. My breathing quickened when she caught me off guard like that.

For the first time, she was free, nothing could stop us, we didn’t have to hide our feelings anymore but at the same time she was sick, she was weak, I couldn’t take advantage of her now. So I just moved my hands away, wrapped the towel around her body and under the brightness of her eyes, I didn’t resist my impulse to kiss her tenderly this time. We both needed that, I guess.

She wanted to drag her kisses down my neck but I stopped her.

“C’mon, let’s take you back to bed now.” I grabbed her legs and back and there I was again carrying her to the bed. I was glad my back wasn’t giving any signs so far.

“You know you don’t need to keep carrying me around, right?” I picked up her white satin robe from her bag and handled it to her.

“I don’t mind.”

While she dressed herself, I remembered to go back to the bathroom, flush the rest of the dope down the toilet and toss the other stuff on the trash. I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

When I walked back, she had her legs curved on her arms again, lying on the bed. I could sense she wasn’t okay.

“Brian?”

“Yeah?” I sat on the other side of the bed to face her.

“Can you… do me a favor?”

“Of course, what do you need?”

“It’s starting to hurt again. Can you please bring me some Tylenol for the fever and… you’re gonna think this is so weird but… I need a bottle of Jager to be able to sleep.”

“I can get you some Tylenol but… are you sure about the alcohol?”

“Yeah, it’s the only thing that gives me a bit of the feeling of H. It won’t kill me and can stop the trembling for a while. Believe me, it’ll help.”

I thought about it for a while, I knew this was a bad idea. She was trading one drug for another. But if that could help her with the symptoms for now, I couldn’t see any other options left.

“Okay, but I’m bringing something to eat too. You can’t drink with empty stomach.”

“Alright, I can try.”

I didn’t have to go far to find a drugstore and a liquor store opened at 4 am. What really took a while to find was a place to buy food. Funny world this one we live in, right?

When I arrived at the hotel, Emily was shaking and crying again, begging me for letting her have a sip. I had to give the bottle to her and only after drinking a little more than I think she should, she was able to sleep again.

I ended up with the food all to myself. Again.

---

Day two

‘I think I walked to close to love and now I'm falling in
I felt so many things this weary soul can't take
Maybe you just caught me by surprise
The first time I looked into your eyes’

The last five hours I had of sleep was the best I had in months. I didn’t feel nauseated, the pain was mostly taking my stomach muscles only now and the trembling decreased. I knew this was just for a while, the symptoms would come and go in waves and I’d probably feel like dying in a few minutes again but I was good now, and I had to focus on that, on the present.

Brian was beautifully asleep by my side and as I analyzed him for a while, I had a strong urge to wake him up with kisses all over him as I could say thank you for taking care of me, bathing me and still being here with me infinite times. God, I’ve never been more scared in my life but just by staring at his kind eyes, it felt easier. I felt stronger.

As I stood up slowly not to wake him and went to the bathroom, my thoughts kept wandering. When I kissed him last night, I wanted more than just that, I needed more. But he kinda fought me off. And when he was undressing me and washing me I could see something different in his eyes. I wasn’t sure what it was yet but it wasn’t good, it wasn’t exactly love. It was more like fear. Maybe he… he’s just not attracted to me anymore cause I must be looking terrible.

I couldn’t remember the last time I checked myself on the mirror. I knew I had lost weight, I knew I was pale and had dark circles in my eyes but… what about the rest?
As I walked back to the room, I felt my heart accelerating a lot when I saw my reflection on a full body mirror. I stood there for a few seconds, trying to convince myself to open the robe and end this mystery once and for all. I had to know the reason why Brian was pushing me away from him.

My hands untied the knot slowly and I let the fabric drop to the floor at once. I let my fingers run through my hip bones, then going up along my ribs and brushed my collarbones for last. They felt like jumping out of my skin. I got terrified, I couldn’t recognize my own body anymore. I could clearly see why Brian had that look on his face cause it was the same I was having now.

God, I did this to myself! How could I not notice that before? How did I let that thing take over me like this? I could see my cheekbones, my entire skull, as if I was already dead and ready to start decomposing.

I didn’t know what to do then, I was motionless and vulnerable to anything else around but the man that just arrived behind me. I found his eyes through the mirror, he was as frightened as I was, and I felt his presence like a magnet target to feel safe and hide my own reflection away from me. I turned my back to the mirror quickly and threw myself on his chest as my hands covered my ashamed and teary eyes. Yes, I was ashamed of myself, of what I had become, but not from being in front of him. I felt ugly, awful at all the ways possible, but within his embrace, I could only feel truly loved. That kind of love that is way beyond physical attraction.

‘This life ain't the fairy tale we both thought it would be
I can see your smiling face as its staring back at me
I know we both see these changes now…
I know we both understand somehow…’

He crouched down, grabbed my robe and placed it around me as he held me on his arms for several minutes. Until he made it all go away inside my head, but his image.

“What happened, babe? Why are you crying? Are you in pain?” he took me slowly back to bed and we lay face to face there.

“No, I’m okay. I’m just… Now I see why you refused me last night. I get it.” I tried not to start crying again and he narrowed his eyes.

“What? I didn’t… I didn’t refuse you! I just didn’t think that was appropriate for me to…”

“Don’t lie. You can’t feel attracted to me anymore. I know Synyster Gates likes those perfect girls with perfect body around him. I’m not one of them.”

“Stop it…” he kept shaking his head, I knew I was making him angry, but I needed to push it till the truth comes out.

“I saw how ugly I am. I’m damaged. You don’t want a woman like this in your life! The big rockstar Synyster Gates deserves a lot more!” I tried not to be ironic but I couldn’t help.

“STOP FUCKING CALLING ME THAT!” he shouted and elbowed himself in a jolt. I had that same jolt. “I don’t feel like Gates when I’m around you. I feel like Brian, like myself. And I’m Brian when I say I love you and I wanna show you don’t need that damn drug to survive. I wanna show you can be yourself around me too, Emily. I wanna be with you.”

I couldn’t form a word after that speech. I wasn’t expecting to hear him saying all of that and especially the L word all of a sudden. But he still didn’t understand that I really was that person he knew. Full of habits, full of insecurities, troubled. That’s who I am.

“You wanna fix me, you mean.”

Now he had no patience left. But the meaning of his soft spoken words was as clear as crystal to me:

“I’m not here to fix you. I’m here to love you. I just need you to give me a chance to do that.”

There. He said it again. I’m here to love you. That’s gotta be the most heart-melting sentence I’ll ever hear towards me. It kept echoing in my ears, especially the L word again. Twice. Just his embrace says it a thousand times more. What’s there not to believe, Emily?
He took care of you as anyone ever did before. You wanted more than words, he’s showing it to you.

He was shooting his glare so intensely at me I had to close my eyes.

“I wanna give you all the chances in the world, Brian, it’s what I want the most, but I don’t have anything to offer to you right now. I’m shattered. And I don’t know when I’ll be whole again to love you like you deserve.”

“I told you I’m not asking anything from you. I’ve waited until now, I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

"You're always here. I know you will."

My eyes remained closed until I felt the soft brush of his fingertips throughout my hair. I opened my arms to him and he hesitated at first, but when I grinned, he lowered his head and chest towards my embrace slowly. We ended up sleeping on each other’s arms.

‘There's a life inside of me that I can feel again
It's the only thing that takes me where I've never been
I don't care if I lost everything that I have known
It don't matter where I lay my head tonight
Your arms feel like home’

You’re all I need, Brian. You’re all I need to feel whole again.

I should’ve said that…

‘They feel like home’

Notes

Ahhh... Brian, Brian... melting hearts since 6661 <3

Song: Your Arms Feel Like Home by 3 Doors Down (its a simple ballad and so beautiful :D)