Syn's Deep in My Blood
She Looks To Me
‘Looks to me like heaven sent
No lullaby kid, no 5 percent
Anyway you want to cut that cake
She's dyin' from the likes of abandonment’
Warmness. Light crossing my eyelids as I still hadn’t opened them. Only sounds of birds singing around. I was moving but not really walking. Warmness...
Is this heaven? Cause it truly felt like it despite of the awful pain in my head.
First I refused to open my eyes, maybe I should just enjoy that peaceful moment of being taken away on the arms of an angel. But when I inhaled the air profoundly, that particular scent penetrating my nostrils made my eyes open up slowly.
Oh good lord, it wasn’t an angel but he sure looked like one and smelled like one. That perfect thin jaw line. Those warm hands and arms rubbing on my skin. That breath blowing heavily on my face. His heart pounding fast on me.
Then I remembered I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t push the damn plunger. I was still alive. But now it didn’t matter too much anyway, those arms wrapped on me were the strongest shield that I knew against my own suicidal thoughts. If I was alive, I couldn’t be in a better place.
“How’d you… find me?” I could only drawl, my lips felt numb and my mouth was dry as a desert.
“God, you’re awake… You scared the hell out of me.” he gazed down at my face and sighed heavily. I let my eyes close again and my head fall on his shoulder. My nose found a perfect place to brush in, on his neck. He never ceased his walking. “I have no idea how I found you. I just did.”
“Where are you taking me?” I moved my hand to his neck and started tugging at his longish hair softly.
“I’m just trying to find a damn cab so I can take you to a hospital. You had an OD. And you have blood on your head.”
“What? No, Brian, I didn’t OD! I just… overdid it a little.” he clearly didn’t know how an OD looks like.
“Overdose, overdid, is the same for me.” he sounded as serious as I never saw before.
“You can’t take me to the hospital, Brian. They’ll give me a lot of stuff I don’t need, will admit me to psychic ward and then… straight to rehab. I know the rules, I’ve been there before. They won’t help me.” I got desperate.
“Maybe that’s what you need…”
I had no strength but I rose up my head anyway. He got me pissed.
“You asshole, you cheated on me! How am I supposed to react?”
“I didn’t cheat on you!! We’re not together, remember that? You were perfectly clear to me when you said you chose him.” now it was his time to get unsettled.
Yeah, he was right. But there was some news I think he still didn’t know.
“He broke up with me…”
It was probably early in the morning, the streets were so quiet, and the killer silence between us was established after my sentence. I was hoping he’d have something to say but I was wrong.
"I can walk, Brian. I’m okay now. Just… put me on the ground, please.” his eyes checked on me for a while, mistrustful.
“You’re really light, no problem for me.”
“I’m fine. Really.”
He stopped and placed my legs down on the floor, close to a wall. When I thought I could walk steadily, my legs were rigid as a rock, I had to bend on the wall not to have my knees failing on me. I had no idea my body was still so heavy so I got really embarrassed. I wouldn’t ask him to carry me again.
“I can’t really feel my legs right now but… I’ll feel them eventually so, if you have somewhere to go, some appointment, don’t worry, I’ll be fine on my own.” I let my back slid on the wall slowly and sat on the floor. I never felt weaker in my life.
Brian didn’t say anything this time, he just crouched down and brought me back to his arms.
“So where you wanna go now?” he asked as I lay my head back on his chest, ashamed. He smelled so good and his heartbeat was soothing me.
“Take me to the closest hotel you can find. I gotta wear this thing off.”
“What? No way, I’m taking you to my room.”
“I don’t want my band or Jimmy to see me like this, please, Brian. I need a few hours. Or maybe a few days to detox.”
“You can’t detox from heroin on your own, are you crazy?”
“I did it before. The hardest thing I’ve ever done but it worked. Believe me, I can do this.” He stopped in front of some cheap motel and I nodded for him to go inside.
I hid my bruised head with my hair and pretended I was sleeping as he asked for a room and signed us in. He walked in and laid me on the bed, seating just beside me, puzzled glare in his eyes. I needed that old speech now, time to be honest with him.
“Brian, I appreciate what you’ve been doing but… I’m not asking you to stay here with me. You have no idea what’s like to go through withdraws and I’m having those for at least 72 hours. I don’t want you to see me like that.”
“Hell no, there’s no way I’m leaving you alone here. You need someone to keep you distant from going out there and buying.”
Shit, I knew it would be hard to convince him. So I had to share the nasty details as a last resort.
“Listen… I’m gonna get really sick, I’ll be aggressive, I’ll crave for a dose and I’ll beg for you and blackmail you until you give out. Are you sure you wanna be here when I turn into a monster?”
“Trust me, I can handle it. If you can do this, I can do this.” he had so much certainty on his voice.
He brushed my messed hair out of my face and caressed my forehead only stopping on my chin, where he brought my face to look up at him.
“I wanna be here for you, as a friend, Emily. I’m not gonna ask anything more than that from you. I just wanna help you get through this.”
A tear escaped from my eye and he wiped it away, staring intensely at me. I was crazy to kiss him after everything I just heard but I didn’t do it.
“Thank you, Brian. Thank you for… caring.” I entwined my fingers on his and suppressed the urge to kiss his lips by kissing his hand. He brought me to a tight embrace and we stayed like that for a few minutes.
‘Lost in the valley without my horses
She needs somebody to hold’
It felt like I was back home again. To where I belong.
Detox – Day One
“Hey Matt. I found her. She’s safe now but… if Jimmy is around you right now, step away for a second.” I heard Matt walking and waited on the phone line for him to speak up as I went to the parking lot of the motel.
“Ok, I’m out of his room. I spent the night here, checking on him. He went after her last night, we couldn’t make him to stay, but suddenly he sat on a curb and started crying helplessly. We took him back to the hotel and he was able to sleep after a few hours. But it made me so damn worried, man, I’ve never seen him like this before. She’s driving him crazy.”
“Yeah, he’s not the only one. I found her in a dark square with the needle still stuck on her arm. I thought she had an overdose but she woke up and made me bring her to some cheap road hotel to detox. I don’t know what to do, I can’t convince her to go to a hospital and get checked.”
“God, I gotta tell her band mates she’s safe, they were losing it too. Last night was a nightmare here.”
“Okay, but you gotta promise me you won’t tell any of this to Jimmy. You gotta make something up like, she doesn’t wanna see him or something, cause if he comes here, we won’t be able to control them. They need to stay apart for now at least.”
“Yeah, you’re right, they are damn toxic to each other. So you’re staying with her?”
“Yep, she can’t go through detox alone. Since we have a few days before that festival announcement, I’m staying here. And I won’t tell where we are so Jimmy can’t try to pluck that info out of you, alright?”
“Alright man, but… are you sure you’re good on your own?”
“I don’t know, I never did this before but… I gotta try, right? And you gotta try with Jimmy too, talk him out of this, maybe they can both wear it off.”
“We asked him about it but he just won’t answer anything. He won’t tell us where his stash is, he’s treating us like we’re his enemies. This is eating them alive and we took too long to notice it, Brian.”
“I know, now we gotta start making things right. Well, I need to go get something for her to eat now. Try to make him eat too, any news I’ll call you.”
“Yeah, anything you need man, I’m here.”
“Thanks, keep me posted, bye.”
I locked the room and walked to a grocery store on the corner. I got some bagels, coffee, water and stuff she might need to take a bath and wash herself, including gauze and hydrogen peroxide to clean her bruised head.
In the mean time I couldn’t stop wondering about what really happened to her last night. I didn’t dare to ask her yet but I was expecting her to tell me when she’s ready. Maybe she just fell on the street. But then her face would be more abraded. It’s just weird.
When I got back to the room, she was curled up on her arms and asleep. I tried not to make a lot of noises as I placed the stuff on the table and lied beside her on the bed, to check on her breathing. She was alright, I guess. Then I gazed down at her clothes, she looked uncomfortable, she needed fresh ones and I forgot that. I grabbed my phone and sent Matt a text so he could try to get her stuff and I could pick it up later.
She seemed cold so I covered her with the blanket and stood there, just watching her, wishing she would be okay. I ended up falling asleep as well, I was exhausted.
When I opened my eyes later on, the first thing I found was hers. They were bloodshot but seemed to be admiring something.
“Hey, why didn’t you wake me up?” I whispered.
“You know how much I love to watch you in your sleep. If I had a guitar right now…” she smirked weakly and I rolled my eyes. Her skin was so transparent contrasting with the darkened color around her eyes that I almost couldn’t recognize her anymore. But I still felt shivers every time she looked at me that way.
“I’m glad I can inspire you somehow. But I’d be even gladder if you could eat something now.” I rolled out of the bed and brought her the bagels with a juice. The coffee was already old. “How are you feeling?”
“Not in my best days…” I sat by her side as I observed her handling the bread. She was looking too much at it and not eating at all. “I’m not really hungry right now.”
“Just be honest with me. When was the last time you had a proper meal?” damn, I sounded like her dad.
She played with the glass of juice, looking down at it, avoiding the answer.
“Emily?” I moved my head closer to hers and she shut off her eyes, sighing.
“I can’t remember. Heroin was replacing my meals for a couple of days now.”
“You need to eat or you won’t have enough strength to heal. You know that, right?” I started blaming myself for letting her get to this point.
“I know but… not right now. I wanna lay down again.” she gave me back the stuff and turned her back to me, lying on the mattress. “C’mon, staring at you makes me feel better, lay with me.”
“Alright.” I placed the stuff on her nightstand and did as she asked. I’d have to convince her to eat eventually.
We got lost in each other’s gaze for some time. She seemed like wanting to read my soul. Then she mumbled:
“Who was she?” I pursed my lips. I knew she would ask me that so I had a prompt answer.
“It doesn’t matter. I sent her away.”
“How long you’ve… been together?”
“We’re not together, I asked her on a date two days ago. We had a good time but nothing happened, not a sparkle. But then, when you saw us on the bus, that was me trying desperate measures to get over you. I was thinking about you all the time.”
She raised her eyebrows in surprise mixed with perplexity. I bet she didn’t believe a single word. And I just didn’t know how to make her to trust me.
“Can you tell me what happened to you now?” just by the look on her eye I could tell she didn’t wanna go there.
“Jimmy had just broken up with me. You had moved on. I felt like there was nothing left for me. So I could only see one way out of this…” she moved her head to face the ceiling but I saw the tears falling through the sides of her face.
I elbowed my head and frowned in a sad expression towards her.
“So you really tried to…”
“Yeah, that was my intention. But I couldn’t. Something is tying me here into this existence, into this body and I still don’t know what it is. I can’t seem to find it and I’m tired of searching. I’m so tired, Brian.” her voice faded away progressively until she only mouthed my name.
‘It looks to me like heaven
Sent this for your roughest night
She looks to me
She looks to me, all right’
She gave me a last weary look and turned her back to me. I could hear her sobs even when she was trying to make them soundless. I knew she wouldn’t believe if I said I loved her so I kept those words to myself like all the times I wanted to say it but something always got in my way.
‘Who's gonna take you home
And hold you when things aren't so bright
She looks to me
She looks to me, all right’
I placed my arm around her waist and joined my body on hers, trying to make her feel better with my closeness at least, since words weren’t really working anymore. This time I didn’t fall asleep, I was too scared of waking up and not finding her there. I observed her wishing she could just notice I could be that something she’s been looking for. I truly believe I’m that someone holding her here. I’m just right here, before her eyes, but she’s too damn blind to see it.
God, just… please, make her see it.
‘It's a long walk down those tracks
It's a dirty walk in
It's a dirty walk back
Gonna learn our way too much
Shootin' dope in the back
Of a cadillac jack’
I left her sleeping again and went to meet Matt with our stuff. I wouldn’t ask him to go there cause I knew I’d have Jimmy screaming and spanking the door before sunset. He could be damn persuasive.
When I got back, I was hoping to see her sleeping still, but she was sitting on the bed, curved up on her left arm and bending towards her legs, like she was holding her stomach in pain.
“Hey, are you okay?”
“It’s starting. The withdraws. I thought you… wouldn’t come back.” she gasped and I shook my head, placing the bags on the ground and then sitting beside her quickly.
“What are you talking about? I told you I’m not leaving this boat. I went to pick up our stuff. What are you feeling?”
“Pain. All over me. And chills.” I held her in my body and she was sweating cold and shivering. She was definitely having a fever. “I… I need to go to the bathroom.”
“Okay, do you want me to go with you?”
“No, it’s okay.” she faked a smile and walked slowly into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.
‘Lost in the valley without my horses
No one can tell me what my remorse is’
My palms began to sweat in panic. I wasn’t sure we were doing the right thing here. I heard about people dying from heroin withdraws and she’s too weak to handle it.
‘God made this lady
That stands before me
She needs somebody to hold’
I was there, lost in my worried thoughts, when I noticed she was taking too long to get out. I brushed my hair back and ran to the bathroom door while my heart skipped a beat. Seconds before I could open the door, it clicked me. How stupid I was! I didn’t check her pockets before, she must be using right now.
‘She shows the world up with a smile
And then she throws the fight
She looks to me, she looks to me
All right’
“Emily? Are you okay? What are you doing in there?” she didn’t answer and my heart squeezed. “I’m coming in.”
‘Down on the bathroom floor
She's searching for another lie
She looks to me, she looks to me
All right’
I was damn right. She was kneeled on the ground, holding a spoon and a needle, ready to inject what she had just cooked. I didn’t wait for her explanations, I just took everything out of her hand and tossed it on the toilet before she could even think of shooting it.
“BRIAN, NO, GIVE IT BACK!!” she tried to get a grip on my hand but I was already washing it all. “Why you did this, why?! I just… I just needed a little to… to feel better.”
She let herself spread on the floor and started crying hard and defenselessly like I’ve never seen before.
“You don’t need this anymore!!” I had to raise my voice as I kneeled with her and tried to make her stand up again, but she wasn’t cooperating this time. Her thinness made it easier to hold her up and seat her on the toilet. “I’m here to make sure of that.” my tone softened abruptly when I saw pure desperation stamped on her expression.
“I can’t do this, Bri, I can’t. It hurts so much.” she couldn’t even hold her own body up so her hands fell on my neck to give her support.
“Yes, you can, you can. Look at me, we can do this. You just gotta be strong, babe. Do it for me, alright?” I couldn’t make her to stop crying or look at me, she kept shaking her head in denial. If I thought I was desperate before, now I didn’t have a name for what I’ was really feeling seeing her like this.
“Don’t ever leave me again, please. I can’t do this without you.” I brought her against my chest tightly, trying to bring her the comfort and relief she was looking for, but I knew it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t erase her physical pain. And I hated the fact that damn drug could.
“I’m not going anywhere.” I murmured on her ear and kissed her neck until her weep decreased into only a few sobs.
‘It looks to me like heaven
Sent this for your roughest night
She looks to me
She looks to me, all right’
“God… Brian, I’m gonna be sick.” With that I moved her up swiftly and opened the toilet seat. I helped her get on her knees again and she bent there to vomit everything she didn’t have on her stomach.
“Shh. Everything is gonna be okay, babe. Don’t worry.” I repeated those words a few times as I held her hair and caressed her back until she was done.
I kept telling her not to worry but all I had inside me was uneasiness. I was terrified. But I had to pretend I was okay for her, she was relying her life on me. Yeah, that’s what I had to keep doing.
‘Who's going to take you home
And hold you when things aren't so bright
She looks to me
She looks to me’
It’ll be a really rough night.
No lullaby kid, no 5 percent
Anyway you want to cut that cake
She's dyin' from the likes of abandonment’
Warmness. Light crossing my eyelids as I still hadn’t opened them. Only sounds of birds singing around. I was moving but not really walking. Warmness...
Is this heaven? Cause it truly felt like it despite of the awful pain in my head.
First I refused to open my eyes, maybe I should just enjoy that peaceful moment of being taken away on the arms of an angel. But when I inhaled the air profoundly, that particular scent penetrating my nostrils made my eyes open up slowly.
Oh good lord, it wasn’t an angel but he sure looked like one and smelled like one. That perfect thin jaw line. Those warm hands and arms rubbing on my skin. That breath blowing heavily on my face. His heart pounding fast on me.
Then I remembered I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t push the damn plunger. I was still alive. But now it didn’t matter too much anyway, those arms wrapped on me were the strongest shield that I knew against my own suicidal thoughts. If I was alive, I couldn’t be in a better place.
“How’d you… find me?” I could only drawl, my lips felt numb and my mouth was dry as a desert.
“God, you’re awake… You scared the hell out of me.” he gazed down at my face and sighed heavily. I let my eyes close again and my head fall on his shoulder. My nose found a perfect place to brush in, on his neck. He never ceased his walking. “I have no idea how I found you. I just did.”
“Where are you taking me?” I moved my hand to his neck and started tugging at his longish hair softly.
“I’m just trying to find a damn cab so I can take you to a hospital. You had an OD. And you have blood on your head.”
“What? No, Brian, I didn’t OD! I just… overdid it a little.” he clearly didn’t know how an OD looks like.
“Overdose, overdid, is the same for me.” he sounded as serious as I never saw before.
“You can’t take me to the hospital, Brian. They’ll give me a lot of stuff I don’t need, will admit me to psychic ward and then… straight to rehab. I know the rules, I’ve been there before. They won’t help me.” I got desperate.
“Maybe that’s what you need…”
I had no strength but I rose up my head anyway. He got me pissed.
“You asshole, you cheated on me! How am I supposed to react?”
“I didn’t cheat on you!! We’re not together, remember that? You were perfectly clear to me when you said you chose him.” now it was his time to get unsettled.
Yeah, he was right. But there was some news I think he still didn’t know.
“He broke up with me…”
It was probably early in the morning, the streets were so quiet, and the killer silence between us was established after my sentence. I was hoping he’d have something to say but I was wrong.
"I can walk, Brian. I’m okay now. Just… put me on the ground, please.” his eyes checked on me for a while, mistrustful.
“You’re really light, no problem for me.”
“I’m fine. Really.”
He stopped and placed my legs down on the floor, close to a wall. When I thought I could walk steadily, my legs were rigid as a rock, I had to bend on the wall not to have my knees failing on me. I had no idea my body was still so heavy so I got really embarrassed. I wouldn’t ask him to carry me again.
“I can’t really feel my legs right now but… I’ll feel them eventually so, if you have somewhere to go, some appointment, don’t worry, I’ll be fine on my own.” I let my back slid on the wall slowly and sat on the floor. I never felt weaker in my life.
Brian didn’t say anything this time, he just crouched down and brought me back to his arms.
“So where you wanna go now?” he asked as I lay my head back on his chest, ashamed. He smelled so good and his heartbeat was soothing me.
“Take me to the closest hotel you can find. I gotta wear this thing off.”
“What? No way, I’m taking you to my room.”
“I don’t want my band or Jimmy to see me like this, please, Brian. I need a few hours. Or maybe a few days to detox.”
“You can’t detox from heroin on your own, are you crazy?”
“I did it before. The hardest thing I’ve ever done but it worked. Believe me, I can do this.” He stopped in front of some cheap motel and I nodded for him to go inside.
I hid my bruised head with my hair and pretended I was sleeping as he asked for a room and signed us in. He walked in and laid me on the bed, seating just beside me, puzzled glare in his eyes. I needed that old speech now, time to be honest with him.
“Brian, I appreciate what you’ve been doing but… I’m not asking you to stay here with me. You have no idea what’s like to go through withdraws and I’m having those for at least 72 hours. I don’t want you to see me like that.”
“Hell no, there’s no way I’m leaving you alone here. You need someone to keep you distant from going out there and buying.”
Shit, I knew it would be hard to convince him. So I had to share the nasty details as a last resort.
“Listen… I’m gonna get really sick, I’ll be aggressive, I’ll crave for a dose and I’ll beg for you and blackmail you until you give out. Are you sure you wanna be here when I turn into a monster?”
“Trust me, I can handle it. If you can do this, I can do this.” he had so much certainty on his voice.
He brushed my messed hair out of my face and caressed my forehead only stopping on my chin, where he brought my face to look up at him.
“I wanna be here for you, as a friend, Emily. I’m not gonna ask anything more than that from you. I just wanna help you get through this.”
A tear escaped from my eye and he wiped it away, staring intensely at me. I was crazy to kiss him after everything I just heard but I didn’t do it.
“Thank you, Brian. Thank you for… caring.” I entwined my fingers on his and suppressed the urge to kiss his lips by kissing his hand. He brought me to a tight embrace and we stayed like that for a few minutes.
‘Lost in the valley without my horses
She needs somebody to hold’
It felt like I was back home again. To where I belong.
Detox – Day One
“Hey Matt. I found her. She’s safe now but… if Jimmy is around you right now, step away for a second.” I heard Matt walking and waited on the phone line for him to speak up as I went to the parking lot of the motel.
“Ok, I’m out of his room. I spent the night here, checking on him. He went after her last night, we couldn’t make him to stay, but suddenly he sat on a curb and started crying helplessly. We took him back to the hotel and he was able to sleep after a few hours. But it made me so damn worried, man, I’ve never seen him like this before. She’s driving him crazy.”
“Yeah, he’s not the only one. I found her in a dark square with the needle still stuck on her arm. I thought she had an overdose but she woke up and made me bring her to some cheap road hotel to detox. I don’t know what to do, I can’t convince her to go to a hospital and get checked.”
“God, I gotta tell her band mates she’s safe, they were losing it too. Last night was a nightmare here.”
“Okay, but you gotta promise me you won’t tell any of this to Jimmy. You gotta make something up like, she doesn’t wanna see him or something, cause if he comes here, we won’t be able to control them. They need to stay apart for now at least.”
“Yeah, you’re right, they are damn toxic to each other. So you’re staying with her?”
“Yep, she can’t go through detox alone. Since we have a few days before that festival announcement, I’m staying here. And I won’t tell where we are so Jimmy can’t try to pluck that info out of you, alright?”
“Alright man, but… are you sure you’re good on your own?”
“I don’t know, I never did this before but… I gotta try, right? And you gotta try with Jimmy too, talk him out of this, maybe they can both wear it off.”
“We asked him about it but he just won’t answer anything. He won’t tell us where his stash is, he’s treating us like we’re his enemies. This is eating them alive and we took too long to notice it, Brian.”
“I know, now we gotta start making things right. Well, I need to go get something for her to eat now. Try to make him eat too, any news I’ll call you.”
“Yeah, anything you need man, I’m here.”
“Thanks, keep me posted, bye.”
I locked the room and walked to a grocery store on the corner. I got some bagels, coffee, water and stuff she might need to take a bath and wash herself, including gauze and hydrogen peroxide to clean her bruised head.
In the mean time I couldn’t stop wondering about what really happened to her last night. I didn’t dare to ask her yet but I was expecting her to tell me when she’s ready. Maybe she just fell on the street. But then her face would be more abraded. It’s just weird.
When I got back to the room, she was curled up on her arms and asleep. I tried not to make a lot of noises as I placed the stuff on the table and lied beside her on the bed, to check on her breathing. She was alright, I guess. Then I gazed down at her clothes, she looked uncomfortable, she needed fresh ones and I forgot that. I grabbed my phone and sent Matt a text so he could try to get her stuff and I could pick it up later.
She seemed cold so I covered her with the blanket and stood there, just watching her, wishing she would be okay. I ended up falling asleep as well, I was exhausted.
When I opened my eyes later on, the first thing I found was hers. They were bloodshot but seemed to be admiring something.
“Hey, why didn’t you wake me up?” I whispered.
“You know how much I love to watch you in your sleep. If I had a guitar right now…” she smirked weakly and I rolled my eyes. Her skin was so transparent contrasting with the darkened color around her eyes that I almost couldn’t recognize her anymore. But I still felt shivers every time she looked at me that way.
“I’m glad I can inspire you somehow. But I’d be even gladder if you could eat something now.” I rolled out of the bed and brought her the bagels with a juice. The coffee was already old. “How are you feeling?”
“Not in my best days…” I sat by her side as I observed her handling the bread. She was looking too much at it and not eating at all. “I’m not really hungry right now.”
“Just be honest with me. When was the last time you had a proper meal?” damn, I sounded like her dad.
She played with the glass of juice, looking down at it, avoiding the answer.
“Emily?” I moved my head closer to hers and she shut off her eyes, sighing.
“I can’t remember. Heroin was replacing my meals for a couple of days now.”
“You need to eat or you won’t have enough strength to heal. You know that, right?” I started blaming myself for letting her get to this point.
“I know but… not right now. I wanna lay down again.” she gave me back the stuff and turned her back to me, lying on the mattress. “C’mon, staring at you makes me feel better, lay with me.”
“Alright.” I placed the stuff on her nightstand and did as she asked. I’d have to convince her to eat eventually.
We got lost in each other’s gaze for some time. She seemed like wanting to read my soul. Then she mumbled:
“Who was she?” I pursed my lips. I knew she would ask me that so I had a prompt answer.
“It doesn’t matter. I sent her away.”
“How long you’ve… been together?”
“We’re not together, I asked her on a date two days ago. We had a good time but nothing happened, not a sparkle. But then, when you saw us on the bus, that was me trying desperate measures to get over you. I was thinking about you all the time.”
She raised her eyebrows in surprise mixed with perplexity. I bet she didn’t believe a single word. And I just didn’t know how to make her to trust me.
“Can you tell me what happened to you now?” just by the look on her eye I could tell she didn’t wanna go there.
“Jimmy had just broken up with me. You had moved on. I felt like there was nothing left for me. So I could only see one way out of this…” she moved her head to face the ceiling but I saw the tears falling through the sides of her face.
I elbowed my head and frowned in a sad expression towards her.
“So you really tried to…”
“Yeah, that was my intention. But I couldn’t. Something is tying me here into this existence, into this body and I still don’t know what it is. I can’t seem to find it and I’m tired of searching. I’m so tired, Brian.” her voice faded away progressively until she only mouthed my name.
‘It looks to me like heaven
Sent this for your roughest night
She looks to me
She looks to me, all right’
She gave me a last weary look and turned her back to me. I could hear her sobs even when she was trying to make them soundless. I knew she wouldn’t believe if I said I loved her so I kept those words to myself like all the times I wanted to say it but something always got in my way.
‘Who's gonna take you home
And hold you when things aren't so bright
She looks to me
She looks to me, all right’
I placed my arm around her waist and joined my body on hers, trying to make her feel better with my closeness at least, since words weren’t really working anymore. This time I didn’t fall asleep, I was too scared of waking up and not finding her there. I observed her wishing she could just notice I could be that something she’s been looking for. I truly believe I’m that someone holding her here. I’m just right here, before her eyes, but she’s too damn blind to see it.
God, just… please, make her see it.
‘It's a long walk down those tracks
It's a dirty walk in
It's a dirty walk back
Gonna learn our way too much
Shootin' dope in the back
Of a cadillac jack’
I left her sleeping again and went to meet Matt with our stuff. I wouldn’t ask him to go there cause I knew I’d have Jimmy screaming and spanking the door before sunset. He could be damn persuasive.
When I got back, I was hoping to see her sleeping still, but she was sitting on the bed, curved up on her left arm and bending towards her legs, like she was holding her stomach in pain.
“Hey, are you okay?”
“It’s starting. The withdraws. I thought you… wouldn’t come back.” she gasped and I shook my head, placing the bags on the ground and then sitting beside her quickly.
“What are you talking about? I told you I’m not leaving this boat. I went to pick up our stuff. What are you feeling?”
“Pain. All over me. And chills.” I held her in my body and she was sweating cold and shivering. She was definitely having a fever. “I… I need to go to the bathroom.”
“Okay, do you want me to go with you?”
“No, it’s okay.” she faked a smile and walked slowly into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.
‘Lost in the valley without my horses
No one can tell me what my remorse is’
My palms began to sweat in panic. I wasn’t sure we were doing the right thing here. I heard about people dying from heroin withdraws and she’s too weak to handle it.
‘God made this lady
That stands before me
She needs somebody to hold’
I was there, lost in my worried thoughts, when I noticed she was taking too long to get out. I brushed my hair back and ran to the bathroom door while my heart skipped a beat. Seconds before I could open the door, it clicked me. How stupid I was! I didn’t check her pockets before, she must be using right now.
‘She shows the world up with a smile
And then she throws the fight
She looks to me, she looks to me
All right’
“Emily? Are you okay? What are you doing in there?” she didn’t answer and my heart squeezed. “I’m coming in.”
‘Down on the bathroom floor
She's searching for another lie
She looks to me, she looks to me
All right’
I was damn right. She was kneeled on the ground, holding a spoon and a needle, ready to inject what she had just cooked. I didn’t wait for her explanations, I just took everything out of her hand and tossed it on the toilet before she could even think of shooting it.
“BRIAN, NO, GIVE IT BACK!!” she tried to get a grip on my hand but I was already washing it all. “Why you did this, why?! I just… I just needed a little to… to feel better.”
She let herself spread on the floor and started crying hard and defenselessly like I’ve never seen before.
“You don’t need this anymore!!” I had to raise my voice as I kneeled with her and tried to make her stand up again, but she wasn’t cooperating this time. Her thinness made it easier to hold her up and seat her on the toilet. “I’m here to make sure of that.” my tone softened abruptly when I saw pure desperation stamped on her expression.
“I can’t do this, Bri, I can’t. It hurts so much.” she couldn’t even hold her own body up so her hands fell on my neck to give her support.
“Yes, you can, you can. Look at me, we can do this. You just gotta be strong, babe. Do it for me, alright?” I couldn’t make her to stop crying or look at me, she kept shaking her head in denial. If I thought I was desperate before, now I didn’t have a name for what I’ was really feeling seeing her like this.
“Don’t ever leave me again, please. I can’t do this without you.” I brought her against my chest tightly, trying to bring her the comfort and relief she was looking for, but I knew it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t erase her physical pain. And I hated the fact that damn drug could.
“I’m not going anywhere.” I murmured on her ear and kissed her neck until her weep decreased into only a few sobs.
‘It looks to me like heaven
Sent this for your roughest night
She looks to me
She looks to me, all right’
“God… Brian, I’m gonna be sick.” With that I moved her up swiftly and opened the toilet seat. I helped her get on her knees again and she bent there to vomit everything she didn’t have on her stomach.
“Shh. Everything is gonna be okay, babe. Don’t worry.” I repeated those words a few times as I held her hair and caressed her back until she was done.
I kept telling her not to worry but all I had inside me was uneasiness. I was terrified. But I had to pretend I was okay for her, she was relying her life on me. Yeah, that’s what I had to keep doing.
‘Who's going to take you home
And hold you when things aren't so bright
She looks to me
She looks to me’
It’ll be a really rough night.
Notes
Is Brian owning your hearts now? =pSong: She Looks To Me by Red Hot Chili Peppers (the guitar on this one is just... so simple and beautiful that makes angels weep :P)
Damn it! Where the fuck was I when you were writing this?? Just remembered I was rotting in hell(university!)
Anyways, I really wish I could have read it earlier because I'm sure nobody wants to miss out on a story like this one :)
It takes a lot of patience to continue doing something which is really beautiful and worth somebody's time. You have a lot of patience, girl! I wish I had some too:p
You should become a professional writer, this story has everything and every detail that any writer and I mean professional writer would put in her story. There's love, a lot of passion, music, pain and a tad lot of emotions (I'm running outta words, damn it!)
I honestly had no idea that Jimmy would leave in the end. I just kept on hoping that Emily might change him and my hopes were multiplied when Emily found out that she was pregnant. I really wish Jimmy could have met his little one :)
And Brian's unconditional love for Emily really, really touched my heart. It was really amazing how both of them held on to each other throughout the story. Some chapters brought tears to my eyes, some made me grin like a chesire cat and some particular chapters made me wanna smack Brian so badly!
The story of Jess and Zacky was really sweet. I loved the way Zacky helped her out. And then there's Matt and Kim. At one point, I thought they won't be together forever. But you surprised me! But I felt so, so bad for Mei. It just broke my heart to see her shatter when Jimmy left. But glad that she slowly moved on :)
This is beautifully written and every action done and every words said by the characters felt so real. Thank u sooooooo much for giving us something as special as this to read!!
8/3/16