‘Where you gonna be tomorrow?
How you gonna face the sorrow?
Where you gonna be when you die?’

“Hey, another Jäger here.” I hit the counter and the guy served me another shot promptly as that song I used to avoid began to play. It always got stuck in my head somehow.
I was hoping those three shots would be enough for me to get rid of the annoying feelings I was about to have from heroin low but I knew I’d need more in a few hours.

On these past weeks we were using nonstop, we just couldn’t handle any more stress, we had to keep ourselves functional, so we doubled up our doses. And that probably got us hooked, cause we’d just stop shooting up when we had to go onstage. Then the run for our next fix would start all over again, all night long, all day long.

Being hooked wasn’t a problem as long as I could get my hands on more. That little amount I stole from Jimmy’s stash had ended too quickly and I only had 10 bucks in my pocket to buy those shots. I wasn’t really planning to go back to the hotel to get more after everything that happened, I couldn’t bear to face any of them, so I had to think of someway I could get money… or dope. Either way I’m good with.

'Cause nothing's gonna last forever
And things they change like the weather
They're gone in the blink of an eye’

I hated to go through this again. I just hated. But no matter what path I choose in life, it seems to come bite me in the ass every single time. Why keep living like that? Just tell me one good reason I should keep fighting this. I had literally lost everyone this time; I fucked up my friend’s life, I fucked up my relationship, I just fucked up my band, I even fucked up my affair. What’s left for me to fuck up? I found the last thing when I looked at my deplorable reflection in the mirror behind the bottles of liquor from the bar.

I drank my last shot in a single gulp wishing it could buy me a few more minutes before I’d start craving. And when I hit the empty glass on the counter, a known voice appeared on my left side. Shit, who is the fucker interrupting my thoughts now?

“Never thought I’d find you around here.” he had the smoothest voice, almost a british accent; it was fake indeed.

“Hey! Look who’s here! The last person I’d want to bump in on the entire universe!!” I turned to him slowly and forced a smile. “Scott!!!” I faked a happy tone.

“Nice to see you too.” he got his beer and sat by my side. Damn, if he was staying, I’d sure leave now. I left the dollar bills on the counter and stood up. “Enjoying the tour?” he was ironic as hell when I turned my back on him. Shit, I felt like I owed him an explanation.

“Not really.” I went back to my seat and looked at him. “Listen, I… I didn’t know about this whole thing of me replacing you, alright? One of them let it slip to me a few weeks ago and I’m not even…”

“Your boyfriend set it up, how can you not know? But it doesn’t matter anyway, you’ve got the job, I’m moving from town to town to search for one. Someone wins, someone loses, that’s life, right?” his victimized tone was bugging me. That sucker got my job in the first place.

“I really didn’t know and if you don’t wanna believe me, fine, I don’t give a shit. You stole my place first.” I turned my back again, decided to leave, but he kept blabbering.

"You know Kurt Cobain used to hang out here sometimes?” I rolled my eyes and stopped again but didn’t turn. Why, why was I giving away my time for this jerk?

“Really? Wasn’t he the most antisocial motherfucker the world has ever seen?”

“Only when he was sober.”

“Ha, useful information. Bye.” This time I gave a few steps towards the door.

“Hey, Emily, how long do you think you can take it?” his sudden question made my feet glue on the floor.

I turned to him with a frown. For one second I thought he was talking about addiction, but… he couldn’t know, could he? Well, even Brian noticed, I must be looking like hell.

“Take what?”

“This life, you know. He died at 27, Hendrix too. You know, the ‘27 club’. How old are you?” his penetrating eyes travelled me from head to toe.

“I’m 26. Some people are just not meant to be here. Where are you going with this?”

“Jeez, I’m just making small talk! You’re the only person I know around here. Why don’t you just stay a little more and… I don’t know, maybe I can give you what you want.” He drank his beer peacefully and I walked back to him, elbowing myself on the counter by his side.

“How can you possibly know what I want?” I was intrigued.

“I saw you talking to that dealer outside, a few minutes ago. I know those dark circles in your eyes. You need something to chill.” I was impressed and scared by the way he easily read me.

“You really think I’m gonna fall for that? Even after you treated me like crap since we met? Why the sudden interest in what I want?” I mumbled, ticking my fingers on the counter wood impatiently. I hated to be exposed.

“If you really wanna know my interest, I’m staying at that hotel across the street.” I watched his moves as he took the money from his wallet and placed on the counter.

Emily, calm down. He must be lying. But… what he’d win by lying to me?

“Room 14. I have enough for both of us but… if you rather go back to that dealer and beg him for a fix… You can do that too.” He stood up and walked to the exit, leaving me behind. “Good luck with that.”

God, I had no options left. I didn’t know if he was telling the truth but that was better than going back to the hotel to find Jimmy packing up my stuff and my band throwing me out for good. His offer was all I had now.

When he stopped at the sidewalk, I left all my doubts behind and just ran to him. The cravings were doing all the thinking now.

---

When I saw that look on her eye before she unstrapped her guitar and left it behind to run away from the stage, I felt terrible with myself and wanted to go after her right away. I knew I was the cause of her deception but… then I looked at the crowd. Some of the people had noticed she was gone and wasn’t coming back, they would start hissing soon, so I had to do something.

What was comforting me was that Emily wouldn’t go too far like that, she was staggered and stumbling on her own feet as I’ve never seen her before, she was definitely altered. I just hoped she wouldn’t do anything stupid before I’d get to her. And somehow I knew I was the only one to stop her.

I went on the stage, picked up her guitar and played a few songs with the guys. We set up a few I knew and I made some ad libs to interact with the crowd, that was enough for them to forget what happened there. They ended their set earlier than usual and I ran to the backstage to change guitars and ear monitors quickly and get back onstage with my band. Without Emily helping us, we’d have to change our entire setlist back to the old one.

“What’s going on, man, why were you playing with them? Where’s Emily?” Matt found me and asked while setting his monitor.

“I’ll explain later, alright? I had to get on her place. I don’t see Rev around, where’s he?”

“He’s in the back still, we’ve been trying to convince him to come play but all he wants to do is drink and he’s not telling us anything, we don’t know what to do. Jason said she slapped him?”

I brushed my hair back and tried to figure out why she would fight with him if she was pissed at me. “Damn it, Matt, we can’t play without him.”

“I think he got here already high on something, his pupils are almost invisible, I don’t think he can play at all. I know you’re not in really good terms with him lately but do you even know what he might’ve taken?”

I stared deep inside his eyes and thought about million times before I’d say anything. We are always so scared about Jimmy’s heart condition, if I’d say he was loading his body with smack, they would freak out. But I had to tell Matt at least.

“I… I think it’s heroin, man. I saw track marks on Emily’s arm. I think they are pretty hooked now.”

“Fuck, I knew they were hiding some serious shit but not that serious. We gotta talk to him, but right now we have a concert to deliver. Maybe we can get Tony to replace him tonight?”

“No one is fucking replacing anyone here. Let’s get this shit over with.” Jimmy stormed in between us and was the first to hop on his drums, surprisingly. I looked at the guys, they were all set up to start so all we had to do now was follow the man.

During the concert he was hyped, setting up even faster tempos then usually, he was killing there in a good way and killing us in a bad way, we could barely keep up. If he was really high on dope, he could never sustain that pace. He surely took something else and I had a pretty good idea of what it was after I found that coke tube hidden on his bass drum. He had taken at least three different substances at once, I was damn scared about what could happen to him, as scared as I was for Emily. I just wished their bodies could take it until we could get them out of this. If we could.

Jimmy was the first to leave the stage in a hurry, and if I know him well, and I do, he was ready to run after her. But I wouldn’t let him this time.

“Hey, Rev, get back here!” I yelled already at the street, still following him. “Jimmy, c’mon, give her some time, man.”

“Who… who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?” he didn’t stop walking, as quickly as ever.

“I used to be your best friend since we were stupid kids if you don’t remember. So you better listen to me when I say you’re in no condition of going anywhere… HEY! LISTEN TO ME!” I ran in front of him and pushed his chest back just to stop him. He almost lost his balance back.

“What makes you think I wanna listen to you after all? Huh? Stay the hell away from me!” he tried to walk again but I held him back. When I saw Matt and the guys coming towards us, I was relieved. Now I knew if I couldn’t convince him to stay, they would have to hold him back there somehow.

“You can trust me, okay? You stay here with them and I’ll go search for her. I promise you I’ll bring her back.” I tried to look inside his eyes but he laughed so loud and evil it even startled me.

“TRUST YOU? YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME, RIGHT? YOU DID ENOUGH TO STEAL HER AWAY FROM ME! I’M GONNA GO AFTER HER AND NEITHER OF YOU CAN STOP ME! GET OUT OF MY WAY, MAN” he shoved me out of his front and I got a strong grip of his arm right after.

He was already skinny, now he was pure bones. Matt helped me and we both could hold him for a while, he was weak.

“Why you wanna go? Huh? So you can wipe her tears away, soothe her and then hump her until you find your next prey?” when he stopped resisting, we both let him go. “You gonna get tired of her, man, I know you. You don’t love her, you don’t love anyone but yourself!” his index finger pressed my chest. My blood was boiling fast.

“Jimmy, c’mon, you’re not okay. Let’s go back to the hotel and get you some coffee so you can clear your head, alright?” Matt tried. “Then we think about what we can do to find her.”

“I sent her there so she could see you had already found someone to replace her. You’re the last person she wants to see now.” Jimmy seemed to ignore Matt’s words and he only had his glassy eyes on me now.

“It doesn’t matter, I’m gonna find her and bring her safe, something you are far from doing! And if you think I’m gonna let you keep dragging her along to your grave, you’re fully mistaken. THIS MADNESS GOTTA STOP!!” I had enough with his accusations.

“Oh yeah? So let’s see who’s finding her first. You don’t know her like I do.”

I shook my head and pursed my lips angrily, stepping away from them. So that’s what this is gonna be now? A childish competition?

“FINE, JIMMY! Just let him go after her! He won’t go far with all that crazy amount of coke, dope and alcohol he had. Just follow him and make sure he won’t faint on the street.” I said those last words when I was turning the corner. I didn’t know if he was going or not, I wanted him to go to hell in fact. I needed to find her first. I just hoped I could get to her before it was too late.

---

He opened the door to his room and the first thing I saw was the dope spread all over the table. My mouth watered and my breathing accelerated with that golden sight. I needed to feel that powerful sensation taking over my mind, my body and my soul again. I didn’t own myself anymore, it owned me entirely and I had no more strength to fight it away.

“Get in, get comfortable while I prepare the stuff.” Scott said gently and I sat on the bed as I watched him move around.

For a moment, it remembered me of Jimmy. The good memories, not the last ones. How he loved to watch me getting high. How we love to be the person to provide that kind of ecstasy to each other. How I got lost in those blue oceans of his eyes while I felt the waves of bliss filling every inch of my cells with butterflies. But he wasn’t here now, was he? It was all over.

I whisked those thoughts aside when Scott showed me the syringe with a smirk. I even felt my womb twitching in anticipated pleasure when I had it in hands. I rose my sleeves and all I could find was bruises and tats in my way, no vein in sight. If there was no Jimmy to find it for me this time, I had to think of somewhere else to shoot it. I could only think about my ankles so I raised my pants and found one easily.

I placed the tourniquet just above and waited for the vein to pop out to let the needle sting in slowly. As I pushed the plunger, my eyes rolled and a relieved grin crept up in my lips. Yes, I had done everything in this life and I was sure there wasn’t even comparison to how good this was. It was temporary, but it was the best feeling on earth.

When my vision was good enough to understand things around me again, I knew I had to get more, that was too little and didn’t last long. I stood up unsteadily and gave a few steps towards the table. That was when Scott appeared in front of me. I had even forgotten he was there.

“Hey, what you doing?”

“I need one more round, please. It’s not enough.” I drawled. I felt really warm and euphoric but I was searching for that initial kick, the most intense of all. And they were lasting lesser and lesser lately.

“I agreed you could have what you want but… what about what I want now?” as he spoke, one of his hands slipped inside my shirt and the other was caressing my neck and pulling me towards him. “Nothing is for free in this life, babe.” Jimmy had said that once to me and I should've remembered it before I came here.

I tried to move away but he was pushing me roughly to the bed. He was way stronger than me now, my arms and legs were numb, but I had to get away from there. Fuck, I knew this was too easy. I should’ve known better.

“Let me go…” I jumped away from him and my body ended up staggered closed to the door. That was my chance. But when I peeked at all that magic powder on the table again, my hands had their own way towards it to pick up some more.

I lost too much time and before I could get my hands on the doorknob to get away, he came to me and tugged my hair madly, forcing me closer to him again.

“Where do you think you are going, bitch?” he whispered in my ear forcefully as I tried to escape again, holding the doorknob as strongly as I could but, again, I couldn’t compete with his strength. He just pulled my hair back again and this time, I felt a slight ounce of an acute pain hitting my forehead. “You owe me now. You’re not going anywhere.”

That was him smashing my head in the corner of the table. I felt dizzier than ever when I fell on my knees and saw blood dripping on the ground. Lord, where have I gotten into? Luckily the opiate effect was diminishing my pain and the panic I could be experiencing, though I couldn’t really scream for help cause my chords were torpid.

While I was trying to get up, I heard noises of his belt opening. Then another strong yank on my head made me fall again but this time in front of him while his pants and boxers were down on his feet.

“Please… don’t.” I begged as he held my face in front of his hard dick. He got horny while watching me bleed? Nice, you psycho!

“Do it, now!” he forced me against him and all I had left was to open my mouth and intake him.
He began to bob me back and forth on his length and I felt like vomiting. He was gasping loud and cursing me while I had a gag reflex every time he hit my throat. And then I felt blood seeping on my face and ending up inside my mouth, where I started tasting it along with the friction of his skin; that whole combination tasted like death. God, of all the things I should be thinking now, I had that song still stuck in my mind.

‘Just look at yourself, can you see where you are?
Look at yourself, now you can't hide the scars
Just look at yourself cause there's nowhere to go
And you know’

I tried to shut down my tears by thinking about Jimmy and Brian. But all that came to my mind was their disappointment looks at me, like rubbing on my face I had finally hit rock bottom. I screamed for them inside my head and none of them would be here to save me this time. If that wasn’t a good reason for death wishes, I didn’t know what else was.

Just look at yourself, Emily! You just gonna let him win like this? Is this gonna be the last memory of your life?
You know what to do. You still have your teeth, right? So use it.

I looked up at his face, he had his eyes closed. My senses were getting a little better when I decided I’d count to three and bite him. If I didn’t escape this time, I knew I would be dead, he’d make sure of that. But I didn’t want him to be the one to take my last breath away from me. I was supposed to do that.

I pressed my teeth hard on him and he screamed really loud, falling on the bed right after and letting my head go.

“YOU FUCKING WHORE!! Awwwhh.” I knew he wouldn’t be able to walk for a while so I just stood up as quickly as I could and ran to the door, but I didn’t get out before I got my hands on a few envelopes on the table.

I stumbled a few times but I managed to sprint out of that place. As soon as I saw I was free of him, I had to throw up in disgust. I was sick of myself to let him fool me like this. I didn’t notice how bad and blind I was before that. But it didn’t really matter now, I was determined to end my suffering tonight and what just happened only brought me certainty.

I paced aimlessly on those dark streets, trying to clean all that blood mess in my face with my own tears. And that song still running as a background to my worn-out brain.

‘Tomorrow
You're gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow
And everything you do, it's coming back for you
You'll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.’

I was coward, I couldn’t face everything that was coming back to me. I don’t wanna have to live with the things I did and with the bridges I burned. I just wanna get rid of it all and that was the perfect time to do it, a darkened square I just found.

‘And are you terrified by sadness
And have you given into madness
You're running out of places to hide’

I sat on a bench, grabbed the stuff I had in my pocket and cooked four times the amount I used to get. That thin syringe was completely filled this time and as I looked at it, I felt as brave as I never felt before. I finally was in control to end my misery.

Everyone would be better without me. Jimmy and Brian could move on, they could be friends again. Jess could be healed without my bad influence. My band could have a better guitarist. The world would be a better place. And that was it, I didn’t need anything else to convince me.

I exposed my left arm, I couldn’t see a damn thing in there, but I followed the path of track marks I had on one vein and made another one, the last one. I just had to push the plunger again and this time, when I reach the end of those precious mililiters, I’d be done.

My breathing accelerated out of the blue. I started trembling. My mouth felt dry but my eyes were soaked. I couldn’t press it for a long torturous moment.

My whole life passing through my mind.

God, please, forgive me…

‘Are you waiting for the reason to change?
Are you waiting for the end, has it came?
Nothing's gonna stand in your way’

What are you waiting for? No one is here to stop you. You took too long to realize this life isn’t worth it. Don’t waste anymore time. The last rapture of your damn existence.

Go ahead, push the plunger, Emily. – I pushed a quarter. – Just push it till the end. – I pushed half of it and it felt so warm. Like Brian. Like Jimmy. My best memories turning into ashes in front of my eyes. – Till the end.

Till it ends.

‘Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?’

---

I searched in alleys, in bars, asked in hotel rooms, everywhere. Those were the places I knew she could be. I couldn’t prevent my heart from racing anymore, I was damn scared of never seeing her again after what happened. I kept walking around, and started thinking that maybe he had found her first. Yeah, now I really hope he did, cause I still had so much to tell her.

I paced through some dark streets and saw a park and a square. There was no one there apparently, only tree noises. But when I looked again, I saw a shadow occupying one of the large benches. It was tiny and it had long hair.

My heart beat on my neck as I got closer.

“Emily? Is that you?”

Please, God, tell me it’s her, tell me.

And when I could finally identify her, I begged I had got there in time. I brushed her hair away from her face and saw blood spread on her forehead to my surprise. Shit, what… what the hell happened here?

“Emily?? Talk to me, fuck. Don’t do this to me.” I moved my fingers on her cheeks and no response.

She had eyes semi opened, I couldn’t say she was conscious or not. I tried to search for her pulse quickly on her neck, but if she had any, it was hardly palpable.

“God, Emily… don’t die before we can talk, please.” I took off my jacket and before I could land it on her freezing arms, I saw the needle still hanging on her arm.

God, please, help me out here.

My guts froze as I took it out of her and brought it closer to my vision. It was still half filled. I tossed it away somewhere, fixed my jacket around her and brought her unresponsive body to my arms so I could find somewhere I could take her as fast as I could.

Notes

Pure angst for you, my dears. Writing is kind of a therapy for me... =p

And tell me girls… who own this last POV?? Is it Jimmy? Is it Brian? =p

Is she alive?

(Song of inspiration for this chapter: Tomorrow - Sixx:Am, from the The Heroin Diaries Soundtrack. Their songs are pretty intense and really good :D)