After almost another month of concerts, the tour was finally getting to an end. We only had to play in Seattle and we’d have a few days off to wait for Rock Am Ring organization to confirm our place in the lineup. I wasn’t so sure if that was gonna happen, we were feeling like trash, but if they call us in, we’ll have to fly straight to Germany as our last gig of the year.

Speaking about trash… That’s the perfect definition of how Rev and Emily were looking like. I can’t remember a single time I’ve seen one of them sober these past weeks. In fact, I can’t remember seeing them at all. When we were gathering to have dinner, press interviews or sound checks, Jimmy just wouldn’t show up. Guess he was too busy losing himself on her body or on drugs or… on both. I was starting to think they weren’t even getting out of the hotel room to eat and their absence was always making everybody concerned now, not just me.

We’d only see them minutes before the concerts and they were disrespecting every single rule Matt made; drinking before, after and during them. Zack was doing that either, but he cared enough to hide it from all of us (but he just couldn’t really hide the pain in his eyes, no matter how shots he had taken). I was feeling really bad for him, Jess didn’t call him once after she left and that was tearing him apart. He was truly convinced she didn’t love him anymore.

If Matt would reprimand the couple, they’d tell him to piss off and would drink in front of him just to provoke him. No one could even say a word to them, they pretended the world didn’t exist. And what hurts the most was that she was pretending I didn’t exist either, exactly like she said she would.

It hurt like hell to see her acting like that. She didn’t look happy at all, only stoned. Every time I’d get to her, she would flip me off. And even if I wanted his girlfriend to myself and was still angry at him, I couldn’t help but feel heavy hearted every time I see my friend getting wasted with no sense of control whatsoever. And the worst of all is that we didn’t even know what they were actually using behind closed doors, they knew how to hide it very well. But just by the way their skin was paler and how skinny Emily was becoming, I could tell they were playing with fire there.

Emily and Jimmy were killing themselves, and this time, I felt like there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to separate them, I really tried. But she was perfectly clear to me when she said she had chosen him. And I should probably start thinking about my life again, or I’d lose it too. Not that I want to go back to my old life but… I feel like I need to forget her somehow.

There was this promoter working for us that I knew that had her eyes on me for a while now. She was hot, good looking, my type. That was probably my opportunity to free my mind from Emily a little bit. For one night at least.

She was heading towards her hotel room and instead of walking inside mine, I followed her. Wouldn’t hurt just ask her on a date, right?

“Hey…” I approached her and when she turned to me, I looked at her name on her pass and gave away my best smirk. She had beautiful and penetrating blue eyes. “…Laura! I don’t always see you around on tours. Are you new?”

“Oh… yeah, I just… started out.” her cheeks turned into cherries instantly. Well, I still had my magic going on, thank you, universe. “I love your band by the way.” she giggled. Cute.

“Oh so you’re new. Where are you from?” I bend my hand on the door and her hand fell off the doorknob.

“I got the job at Oregon but they said they still needed staff so… I came along to Seattle.”

“Oh, so I bet you don’t know Seattle as I do. We always stop by on tours, I know really good places around here. Tell me…”

She licked her lips and I had to pause my talking for a while. Man, she was hot.

“…tell me if you’re interested in… I don’t know… chill out and have some fun around here… with me. Are you?” One of my eyebrows raised and when it was time for her to show her smirk, I knew I had her right on.

“Oh… I see.” Her smirked got transformed in a naughty smile too quickly. At least I didn’t have to say what I wanted from her, she knew it already. I just needed her acceptance. “I’m off after seven.” And there it was. I smiled.

“Eight it is. We meet at the lobby.” I winked and walked back still facing her. She nodded wearing that saucy expression and I waited for her to get inside her room before I could do the same.

That’s what I need now. A nice distraction to get my thoughts out of her.

---

Next day, soundcheck.

“Oh, look at who decided to show up!” Brian called out when I walked in the backstage room after my band soundcheck. I was doing really well without having to see him every time but today I had to come or the guys would piss me off like all the times I didn’t show up before. I wasn’t even talking to them after I found out about Brad’s dirty deal with Jimmy, why the hell they wanted me here I didn’t know.

“Yeah, for your information, I didn’t decide it, I was forced to be here. But guess you guys don’t have the same power of speech to bring Jimmy here than my band had with me, right?”

Brian didn’t answer and I was relieved I didn’t have to start a fight with him now. I just had one wish: go back to the hotel, get in Jimmy’s arms and block everything else with a good dose until we had to be onstage again. That’s what I call surviving through road hell.

“You just screwed up on that ad lib on Since I’ve Been Loving You. You never do that.” he grumbled, plopping his body on the couch as I got a bottle of water. I frowned before I could turn my back to him.

“I didn’t screw up! I… did something new, something different. Something you don’t dare to do on your songs.” If he was gonna start attacking me, I’d do it first.

“Don’t try to turn this around on me, Emily. You’re not playing as half as good as you were when I met you. He’s doing that to you. I bet you can’t even remember the notes you once wrote, you’re playing like a machine.”

“Have you gone to your ear doc lately? I think someone needs an ear washup. Me and my playing are going fine, thanks for the concern and the nice compliments, Brian, I appreciate that.” I was crossing the exit room when I felt his hand grabbing my arm and pulling me back. “WHAT??”

“Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re not the same person I met, Emily. Look at your eyes, look at this!” he showed my arm to me and I didn’t understand what he was talking about. I shrugged. “When I had you in my arms, you didn’t look like that, you didn’t feel like that. I can feel your bones in my hand!”

“Yeah, I lost weight, so what? There’s nothing I can do if you don’t like it, I’m not here to please you anymore. Now leave me alone.” I tried to pull my arm out of him but he didn’t let go. He came closer instead.

“What is he giving to you, huh? This is not just coke. You’re always using those sleeve shirts now, you’re hiding something. Tell me.” the uneasiness on his eyes begged for an answer, he was mumbling. “What is it?”

“It’s nothing, Brian. He’s not giving anything to me. I’m just sick of this, I can’t wait to go back home to be with my friend, alright? That’s all.” I avoided his eyes.

“Just tell me!” when I shook my head and tried to disentangle again, he rose up one of my shirt sleeves faster than I could prevent and there was his answer.

He could see the stupid track marks that never seemed to heal all over my arms. Then his fingers loosened on my arm but I didn’t run this time, I stayed, for a reason I still wasn’t sure.

“God, is this…” his brows furrowed and his fingertips brushed softly through the darkened bruises on my skin. I felt as exposed as I was naked.

“Yeah, it is, welcome to my sweet nightmare, Brian. Is that all you wanted to see?” I pulled my arm to hide it behind my back and he finally let go, still astonished.

“Did he…”

“No, Jimmy didn’t break me. I’ve broken myself way before I met him, don’t worry.” his eyes locked with mine and I could see he was having trouble to figure out what to say next. But I could see that pity glare I hated so much either.

“This will kill you both.” he said it slowly and quietly, as if he was telling me some new info I never heard before.

I wanted to laugh at his face but maybe it could traumatize him so I only snorted it. Before the silence would get embarrassing, I warned him:

“You better be on that stage when I play tonight. Cause I’m planning to rub on your face the best set of notes I’ve ever played in my life.” I drank a sip of my bottle of water quickly and moved away. “Just make sure you’ll be there.”

---

20 minutes before the opening act

“Have you seen Brian? Where is he? I told him to be here.” I asked Zack and he jumped back when I caught him with a bottle of something I didn’t even bother to check before he could hide from me.

“Last time I saw him he was at the merch stand outside. Flirting with some chick.”
“Hey, whatever you have there, give me a sip.” he sent me that killer corner of the eye look of his and handled me the bottle with reluctance. It tasted like the worst thing I’ve ever had. “Fuck, what is this, kerosene? Bad enough for me, thanks.” I handled it back and he had one of his brows raised, probably thinking I’m weak for drinking. Yeah, go dreaming my friend.

I left the backstage room and walked outside, finding Jimmy and Jason leaned on a secluded place, smoking. I approached him and without thinking if Jimmy would be jealous or not, I asked anyway. I guessed we were way passed that.

“Hey, you guys, have you seen Brian around? I need to talk to him.”

Jimmy frowned bigly at me. Yeah, I was clearly wrong.

“What do you want with him?” he asked biting his bottom lip, suspicious.

“He complained about my playing today. I wanna prove him wrong. It’s nothing, Jim, don’t worry.”

Jimmy traded a quick glance with Jason than moved back to me. Seriously? After I spent an entire month without even saying hi to the man, he’s still suspecting? He’ll never stop with that paranoia now?

“Nothing?" he kept nodding weirdly. "Alright."

“Jimmy…” Jason called him shaking his head. What the hell is going on here?

Jim stopped him with his palm. “He’s in the bus.”

“Okay, thanks.” I winked at him and ran towards the parking lot.

I’d bring Brian to the stage even if I have to drag him by his ear. And then make his ear fall down when he hear me shredding his brain off. I loved to be challenged, especially by him. It brought fire back to my soul, my adrenaline was rushing already.

I arrived at the bus and saw the door opened. I didn’t call for him first, I just climbed up the stairs quickly.

“You’re not really thinking about blowing me off, are y…” at the exact same moment my eyes reached Brian’s the words vanished from me. Then I started processing everything; his pants were down on his feet, a woman I’ve never seen before was kneeled in between his legs, holding his dick close to her mouth and… I had to get out of there.

“Sorry...”

I heard him calling my name once but I ignored.

I turned my back on them as fast as possible and ran away trying not to trip into something with the water that was forming in my eyes. God, of course he would move on. Why are you so surprised? You really thought he’d be single, waiting for you forever or what? But why did it hurt like someone had shot me in the heart? Why? Why did I feel like I just lost something I didn’t even have?

My legs were trembling like jelly but somehow they led me back to where Jimmy was. I was exploding in rage by the time I stopped in front of him.

“YOU SON OF A BITCH, you knew it!” I couldn’t hold my impulse, my hand went up and next thing I know I was hitting him in the face with it. The face I kissed so many times, that I never thought I’d feel like slapping, it was red like the blood leaking out of my broken heart.
He didn’t say anything, his eyes remained closed and his face was turned to the side.

“I can’t believe you did this.”

I didn’t wait for any of his words, if he had any. I simply walked away but not to where I was supposed to go. I ran out of the venue and straight to the hotel. It was a 5 minute walk, I still had 15 to go onstage. I was craving more than never for a fix. I could never hop on a stage like this, I needed something to chill out urgently and erase at least a bit of what I saw together with the painful betrayed feeling I was having.

I knew Brian didn’t cheat on me but it hurt just as if he had. And then Jimmy does that. We were doing so good, why would he want to hurt me like that?

I stormed inside the room and eagerly searched everywhere for his stash, kicking everything out of my way. I didn’t care if it was his, I needed it now. The last place I looked was under the mattress and there I found dope for at least a month. He had a lot hidden from me, I couldn’t believe, I couldn’t trust him anymore. As I stored as much as I could into my pockets, the door suddenly opened wide and loud. Jimmy was fuming in fury towards me now.

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?” he came to me with all his height and I tried to divert. “YOU FUCKING HIT ME!” his face was still red with the mark of my fingers on his skin. I didn’t regret it a single moment.

“YOU SENT ME THERE CAUSE YOU KNEW I WOULD SEE HIM WITH ANOTHER WOMAN AND THAT WOULD DRIVE ME CRAZY, YOU KNEW THAT!! YOU DID IT JUST TO HURT ME, YOU ASSHOLE.”

I started crying all over again as I opened one envelope and spread the powder on the counter quickly. Snorting it wasn’t the same high but I didn’t have enough time to cook it now. Just as I was about to do it, Jimmy grabbed my arm violently and pushed my back against the wall. Then he held my neck still and made me look up at him forcefully. My heart froze when I thought he was gonna beat the crap out of me.

“It wouldn’t hurt you if you had forgotten him.” his voice was barely audible.

“I’m with you, I chose you, damn it! What more can I do to make you understand that!? I’m not even talking to him, for god's sake!”

“You’re not happy with me. I can see it in your eyes, I can feel it.” his fingers ran on my hair softly as he mumbled intensely. Now I knew he was incapable of hurting me physically, but I couldn’t say the same about emotionally.

Yeah, I wasn’t happy, something was always missing despite of his perfect way of treating me. I made the biggest effort to hide it from him but he damn knew how to read my deepest secrets.

“There’s no justification for what you did, James. Let me go.”

“You still love him, Emily. In spite of everything I do, all my love I try to make you feel, you still want him…” he cried with defeat, his body pressed me tightly against the wall and his mouth leaned on my left ear. He reached his limit, so did I. “It’s driving me insane, babe. You drive me insane. I need you back.”

He started kissing my cheeks and I felt his tears soaking them along with mine. I only wanted one thing, to get away from him. Nothing could change what he’d done, not even his apologizing lips.

“JIMMY, GET OFF OF ME. NOW!” I shoved his chest with no strength at all. I had any.

“Tell me you don’t love him, that I’m wrong. Just say it. Please, babe. I need to hear you say that.”

“JAMES!” I screamed louder this time and tried to move my head away from his hand. It only made him hold me firmer. I was suffocating on that blue undertow of his eyes. “LET ME GO!!”

He let his forehead bend on mine with closed eyes and punched the wall next to me so hard my whole body jolted. He was out of control.

“You can't say it, can you?” he asked holding my head really close to his. That’s it, I can’t keep lying to him neither to myself. This whole month was just a facade.

"NO I CAN'T, JAMES, I CAN'T! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?” he shook his head several times with a disappointed smile and backed off finally, giving me space to go after the only thing I needed.

I snorted the row as quickly as I could and I had to bend on the table to resist the most hateful rapture I was having. For one second everything was black and my mind was in peace, at the next second I was back to the hell I was living in.

“Jimmy… let’s just… talk later… I need to… I need to go back now.” I moved my numb legs towards the door and started walking away slowly with almost no balance. I’d be a little late but I’d get there even if I had to crawl. Yes I would.

“We can’t keep doing this. I’m done, Emily. I’m done with you.” he muttered before I could cross the door.

I was torpid enough not to look back. This time, my tears had dried along with my love for him.

---

I was barely hearing my band mates screaming at me when I got back ten minutes late, I could barely stand up. I strapped my guitar and hit the stage before anyone else, I just wanted to get that over with so I could find a place to get a proper fix alone. Away from Jimmy, from Brian, from everybody.

When we started, that stage felt so claustrophobic even though it was huge. That crowd shouting unstoppably, calling for Shadows, for Syn, not even caring about the people playing for them. Then I looked at my band mates, I could read their minds when I was high, they didn’t even notice my existence there, they clearly rather have that other guy playing with them. I stole his place. I shouldn’t be there…

The entire place began to spin around me when I caught a glimpse of a known figure on the side of the stage. Brian was there just to witness me making a fool of myself, owning a place I didn’t deserve. He was right all the time, my fingers just didn’t respond to me like they used to. I was making a lot of mistakes at each phrase, my hand felt tensed and numb at the same time. I had no agility, I had no emotions, I was just a carcass waiting for a vulture to come get me. Far from what I had promised him.

“Emily what the fuck are you doing!?” Ryan, the rhythm guitarist, yelled at my ear. I even lost my balance when he pulled me out of my trance.

The walls kept closing on me. The crowd seemed like a big ocean of evil creatures with those spotlights beaming frenetically on them. When I looked to the side of the stage again, I lost ground and my fingers froze. I bet he was having fun with my misery.

The only thing I could think about doing next was to get the hell out of that stage and never come back again. At least for that my legs were functioning so I just unstrapped my Gibson and left it on the ground. I couldn’t care less if I was leaving in the middle of the song, if they were booing me, I was completely deaf to that. I could just hear a wish from my broken heart as I ran away with no particular destination. I didn’t want anyone to come after me this time.

You’re better off dead…

Notes

haaa earlier chaaap =p
the two angels turned into devils at once, huh?

tell me girls... can it get worse?

you know the answer ;)