The minutes on the waiting room felt like days of torture. While I covered my worried face with my left hand, a strong and warm grip on my other hand made my head snap at its owner.

“She lost a lot of blood, Brian.” my eyes refused to leave my only source of comfort now. And he didn’t back out either. So I had to plead. “Tell me she’s gonna be okay.”

“She will, Em… She will. We were here on time. We just gotta…”

Before he could finish his sentence, my gaze was forced to move to the door in face of Jimmy, Zacky, Johnny and Matt’s entrance. I pulled my hand out of Brian’s in a blink of an eye to run straight to Jimmy’s arms.

“Emily, how’s she? Where’s she?” Zack asked me, looking helpless, as Jimmy held me tight and caressed my back, which caused a few tears to flow down from my eyes.

“I don’t know, the doctor didn’t show up yet. I just hope she…”

“Are you family of miss Jessica Lockhart?” we all heard the doctor approaching us, and she went directly to Brian, who stood up quickly, letting Jess’ blood stained on his shirt to show. I saw Zack widening his eyes promptly in shock.

“Yes, we are. Is she okay?” I stepped closer to her and she turned to me.

“Hello, I’m doctor Lewis.” she showed her hand and I shook it. “She’s stable now, we are giving her a blood transfusion. But there’s something more I need to discuss with you. Who’s her next of kin here?”

I looked around, no one dared to say anything. Zack was so terrified he couldn’t even look at the doctor, he was trying to hide his watery eyes. There wasn’t any next of kin there but I had to make something up or she would never tell us anything.

“I’m... I’m her sister. You can talk to me.”

“Okay, come with me.” I gazed at Zack quickly and he nodded with his head, trusting me to go.

I followed her until she stopped in front of a room with closed curtains. Probably where Jess was.

“Your name is…?”

“I’m Emily. What is it, doc? You’re scaring me.” I tried to smile but it was far from that.

“Well, Emily, Jessica presented here with severe blood loss and a fever of 40ºC. We controlled her hemorrhage and we were able to identify the source. Unfortunately that was caused by a miscarriage. I’m sorry.”

I could only frown at that. I didn’t see that coming.

“Oh my god, she was… how could she…” I couldn’t form a sentence to say but my head was going wild on thoughts. She’s on the pill, she couldn’t be pregnant.

“We ran a few blood tests to understand what happened and they just got back from the lab. I can see here she was two months pregnant. Miscarriages are pretty common in the first trimester and she probably didn’t know. But we also found traces of MDMA on her bloodstream…” the doc pursed her lips, obviously judging.

“So you… you think that... it caused her…”

“Does she make regular use of ecstasy?”

I didn’t know what to answer, she just wasn’t talking to me about anything. How could I know if…

“Yeah, I think she does.” I kinda felt it.

“If that’s the case, it explains her high fever. Ecstasy usually increases the body temperature a lot so if she did it more than once, that’s probably the explanation for her abortion.”

I was silent for a little while, trying to digest all that unexpected information but I couldn’t really concentrate. Zack would be so devastated and Jess… I hope she’s still strong enough to face this. But deep inside I knew she wasn’t.

“Does she know already?”

“Yeah, she’s pretty shocked. We did the procedures to avoid infection with her consent and gave her all the instructions she needs to know. She’ll have some discomfort for a few days but it tends to disappear quickly. And… we have a post-abortion counselling program here, if there’s any interest, here’s a pamphlet. They are pretty good, I recommend it.”

She handed me the papers and I still had no words.

Why did I let it go that far? Why did I miss the signs? She was always the responsible one, the strongest one and I failed when I needed to be the wisest one.

“Okay, I… thank you so much for taking care of her. Can I… can I see her now?”

“I think she’s pretending she’s asleep but maybe she’ll talk to you.”

“Alright, I’m gonna try. Thank you again.” I shook her hand once more and entered the room without looking back. I needed to see her before I could talk to Zack.

The room was darkened except for the lamp close to the bed. When I saw her again, shrunk in the side of the bed and covered with the hospital sheets, I couldn’t help but have a terrible déjà vu. She was exactly like that when I found her on the hotel room.

I almost couldn’t handle the loud and heavy pounding of my heart when I walked closer to the bed. I need right words, God, please, I need them now. I swallowed the lump in my throat and sighed soundlessly before mumbling:

“Jay?”

---

I didn’t have the slight force to turn my back and face Emily. I didn’t wanna talk. My shame was so big that it didn’t even fit in my chest. I knew if I turn my back I was gonna start crying and I didn’t wanna look weak right now so I stayed there, without moving a finger. Maybe she’d just go away if I keep pretending I’m sleeping.

“I know you are awake, you don’t breathe like that when you’re sleeping. Are you okay?”

Fuck. She won’t back out.

“No.”

“Yeah, of course, what a stupid question.” I felt her presence near me and she finally sat on the chair next to my bed. My eyes remained closed somehow. “Are you in pain?”

“Nothing I can’t handle.” I lied, I was having the worst cramp of my life. But that wasn’t really overcoming the pain in my heart.

“You scared the hell out of me, Jess.” she held my hand and I couldn’t move and hold it back.

“It wasn’t really my fault, was it?” of course it was my fault, but I didn’t want to let it show. The last thing I wanted was to be lectured right now. “I had no idea.”

I heard Emily sigh heavily and I snapped open my eyes cause I could hear her disappointment through the air.

“I just don’t understand how. You are still on pill, right?”

It was my time to sigh.

“I might’ve forgotten to take it a day or two. Our routines kept changing everyday and… you know, I got a little sloppy.” I closed my eyes again, afraid of what would come next.

“The Jess I used to know would never get sloppy about something so serious.” she wasn’t using that accusing tone, but I knew what she meant by that.

“People change.”

She snorted a laugh.

“In fact, people don’t change. Heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, that’s what changes us.”

We remained in a hurting silence for some seconds. If it was for me, our conversation was done. But I knew there was more to come from her.

“I found you so high you couldn’t even notice you were bleeding to death. You were completely unaware of your state. So, yeah, you gave a hell of a class about how to be sloppy.”

She raised her tone and I made a huge effort to hold my tears.

“I was in pain, I took a pill. I know I screwed up, alright? I don’t need you to point out my mistakes.”

Her silence told me she was regretting her words. At least that’s what I was hoping.

“I failed you, Jess. I should’ve sent you home before it got to this point. I’m so sorry you’ve got dragged into this. You didn’t deserve it.”

“I’m responsible for myself, Emily. You didn’t pushed me to anything, it was all me. Please, stop doing this, I can’t handle it right now.” my voice cracked so bad I couldn’t help but shed the tears into the pillow.

Silence again. Only filled by a few uncontrollable sobs I let out.

“Do you want me to bring him in?”

My heart raced to the thought of facing Zack.

“Please… no, Emily, I’m just… not ready to see him. I… I don’t think I’ll ever be.”

“He was worried about you before, he asked me to go talk to you when I found you. He’s probably feeling responsible too and…”

“You told him already?”

“No, you should tell him.”

“No, no, no, I can’t… I can’t look at him.” I sat on the bed in a jolt and I felt a little dizzy but it went away quickly. The blood transfusion was done. “Look, you gotta go pick up some clothes for me and… tell him I’m sleeping and… I gotta go home, Em. I can’t stay here anymore.”

I felt like suffocating and panicking just to think about having to explain him what happened. He’d hate me and that was something I couldn’t bear right now. That hurt look on his face when he’d know what I did would be too much.

“What? You must be out of your mind if you think I’m gonna let you go back to California alone and without talking to him.” as I got up from the bed and leaned myself on it, trying to think of a way I could escape from there, she got up too and stepped closer.

“I just killed our baby, Emily, what the fuck do you expect?” I shouted with the little strength I had and my legs weakened at the same moment. I fell on my knees as I cried hard on the mattress. All I could think was that I had the perfect life just in front of me and it slipped from my fingers just as easily. Being on my skin was killing me. “He’ll hate me so much… I can’t take this.”

Emily brought me back up and embraced me softly. I couldn’t breathe.

“He loves you, he’ll be there for you and he’ll know what to say to make you feel better. You both can turn this around. Please, don’t hurt him like this. Let him see you. He’s close to have a heart attack outside, I’m telling you.”

“I’m not ready… I’m just… I can’t.” I just kept crying in a way I never thought I could.

“Okay, alright, calm down baby, go back to bed and I can tell him what happened if you want. And then I’ll buy you a few more minutes. But he’ll be here to see you eventually. And you’ll find out how comprehensive he can be. Trust me, I know how much that man loves you. You can make a lot of babies later when you are both ready. It wasn’t meant to be, Jess.” Emily cleaned a few tears from my cheeks and fixed my hair with pity eyes.

I stepped away from her embrace and showed a painful smile. None of this was meant to be. I shouldn’t have come. I shouldn’t even have met him. Those last months were just a lucid and bittersweet dream that had ended tonight.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Rest a little more and I’ll ask the doc when you’ll be discharged, okay? I’m gonna go talk to them outside.”

“Emily just… tell him I’m sleeping, okay? At least for now.” I had finally calmed down my tears and got back to my initial position on the bed.

“Yeah, anything you want.”

“Thank you…”

Emily nodded and walked out finally. Now I only had one thought in mind: how to get the hell out of there before they come back. I’m doing what I should’ve done a long time ago.

---

Emily called Zack in private and explained him everything the doc said to her. At each sentence, she could see his eyes gradually fading to big holes of sorrow reflecting his soul. Until the point he couldn’t hold his head up, he had to lean his forehead in his hand and his elbow on his leg.

She placed her right arm on his back, stroking his back in comfort when she glanced quickly at the guys. They were watching from distance and were still clueless. Jimmy even stood up and opened his arms, questioning all that suspense. Emily just thought it would be better to tell him first and then to everybody. Or at least ask him if he wanted to keep this only between the three of them, they didn’t have to know all of it.

“Do you think she wanna see me now?”

“I think she doesn’t wanna see anyone right now. But you have to go there, Zack. She needs you more than she’s aware of.”

He gulped hard and stood up, already rehearsing his words inside his mind.

“Zack… before you go… She’s thinking you’re gonna hate her for what happened. Just go slow, alright? Don’t push it, just say you love her and you are there for her, okay?”

“How can I… God, I’m still trying to process everything in my mind but I could never hate her.”

“Yeah, I know that. Go ahead and I’m gonna go there talk to the guys, they are looking really uneasy.”

Emily took him to her door and nodded when he gazed at her looking for incentive. He breathed loudly and opened it. When Emily was ready to walk back to the reception area, she heard Zack shout.

“Jess? Jess???” she stopped her steps abruptly and walked back with eyes ready to close. She knew it. “Emily, she’s not here! She’s gone!” his red eyes widened at her.

“Damn it!!” she mumbled.

She imagined her friend was probably in the way of the airport now.

“I might know where she went.”

---

After they searched everywhere for Jessica, they went back to the hotel, in a last resort of hope that she could be there but not only she wasn’t but her stuff was gone too. The guys agreed to stay there in case she’d decide to come back and Emily and Zack took the way to the Portland Airport, following the strong instincts Emily had about Jess’ will to go back home.

“Can you go faster, please? It’s an emergency.” Zack tapped on the cab driver’s shoulder and the guy surprisingly obeyed. It was just before six am, the streets were almost clear. “Thanks.”

Emily then realized Zack’s hands were so red and a little bruised from his self-inflicted act of rubbing his fingers unstoppably in anxiety. He was even more worried than she was.

“Calm down. We’re gonna find her.”

“Yeah, I know, there’s no way her plane could leave so soon. Right?” he faced her and she saw how unsure of his words he was.

“Right.” she was unsure of her words either.

They drove for a few minutes more and the sun was rising when they finally got to the airport. Emily and Zacky ran like their lives depended on it throughout the endless corridors and after situating themselves about the flights to California, they reached the only place she could be. And they figured out they only had thirty minutes before the plane would take off.

“Emily, we’re too late, she’s probably inside the plane by now. We should go back.” when Zack’s sight didn’t find anyone waiting in the boarding area, he was defeated already. But not Emily.

“You gave up too soon. Look at there, she’s in that corner.”

Zack had to get closer to finally acknowledge who was seating in that chair with a black hoodie – his VU hoodie – covering her from head to waist as she leaned her chin on her hands, looking as helpless as he thought she would.

Zack hesitated for a second, he was so relieved of seeing her but now he had the difficult task of convincing her of his love so she could stay at least in time they could talk this through. Just the thought of failing on that was squeezing his guts and paralyzed him momentarily.

“Go! You’ll know what to say.” Emily assured him and he had no other choice but to walk there and face her.

When he was about to appear in front of her, she stood up, her bags in hand, ready to leave. She took a few steps and when she looked up, their gazes met abruptly. Neither of them knew how to start that conversation.

“What are you doing here? How… how did you know I was…” she found Emily waiting in the back before she could end her sentence and had her answer. “She brought you here.”

“Yeah or I would never know where you would be right now, right?” he knew attacking her wouldn’t be the best way to reach her but he couldn’t really say anything else back.

Jess looked away to the ground and tried to hide her shame. But she knew he didn’t have to look into her eyes to see it.

“What’s your plan? Go back to your house alone?”

“I called my mother before and… well, I still didn’t tell my parents anything but I’m planning to when I got there.” she was still looking at the floor.

He couldn’t believe her words. She rather be with them than with him? The persons who made her leave home in the first place?

“You’re going back to your… parents’ house?” he grimaced.

“Yeah, I have nowhere else to go.” the way she said it looking back at him cut his heart.

A single tear escaped from his right eye, his body wasn’t handling that big overflow of sadness, it was finally flooding through his pores. That broke the little pieces she still had as a beating heart. She had to look away not to cry either.

“Stay, please, and talk to me! Why are you doing this, why are you running away from me?” the tear he let escape dragged his guard down with it.

“I’m really tired, I need to go home, Zack. I’ll call you when I land and you can call me whenever you want. If you want.” He felt like she was treating him like a stranger.

“I don’t blame you for what happened, Jess, I blame myself. Please, don’t go without talking to me! I love you! We’re gonna get through this but I need you to be here with me, baby.” he said it all with an abnormal and desperate fast breathing and held her hand tighter, but she pulled away, turning her back to him, ready to cross the boarding area. Almost like she was heartless and couldn’t care less about his feelings.

Forgiveness was all she needed but she couldn’t accept it from him. She felt she deserved to be punished and to go through all her suffering by herself.

“I can’t keep doing this, Zack, I can’t. Bye.” Although it didn’t show, that was the hardest thing she ever had to do. Facing a stage with hundreds of people watching her wasn’t half as hard as leaving him that way was.

Zack just couldn’t let her go like that. She walked a few inches and he ran to her, standing in her way, shrugging and opening his arms in defeat. His stock of words to convince her had ceased. But he had to try once more, even when all he could do was mumbling cause his tears were flowing everywhere on his face.

“Stay.”

“Don’t make this any harder than already is.” she brushed away the water in her eyes and diverted from him. “I’ll call you. Bye.”

Without a goodbye hug. Without a touch of her lips. Without a single glance back, she disappeared from his blurred sight and there was not a single thing he could do to avoid that moment from happening. He never felt more useless and powerless.

“Jess!!!” Emily ran towards them when she saw her leaving but it was too late to bring her back.

She walked closer to Zack’s static figure and tried to get a hold of his hand but he pulled away violently and turned his back promptly to the giant glass window displaying her plane ready to leave.

Notes

Wow, writing this really got to me... I need chocolate and a friend. Does anyone have that? :P