Before

When I wake the next morning, I'm still wearing the dress and cardigan from the night before.
All too quickly, the horrid memories rush back to me. My head spins, as I get up from my bed. I feel like I'm going to get sick. Quickly, I pull the chair away from the door, unlock it and yank it open. I run down the hall to the bathroom, and spill my guts into the toilet. I feel like I can still taste the whiskey that was on Mike's mouth, as he kissed me.

I wipe my mouth with the back of my sleeve, and sink to the bathroom floor. My father, having heard the commotion, appears in the doorway. He's hungover, as always.

"What the Hell, Al?" He asks.

Hearing him call me that, makes me want to vomit all over again. Al. That is not my name. I don't want anyone to call me Al ever again, especially not after last night.

"Don't call me that." I spit.

"What's your problem? Are you sick?" He wouldn't give a shit if I was.

Do I tell him what happened? About Mike?

He wouldn't care, I convince myself.

"Nothing." I say, pulling myself off the floor. I get to my feet, and push past my father, making my way back to my bedroom. Once inside, I slam the door shut and lock it. I pull a duffel bag from my closet and quickly shove whatever I can into it, clothes, shoes, toiletries and a few pictures, pictures of me and Jason. Maybe someday I'll look back and think about how stupid I was, I'll want to remember him during the happy times of our relationship, I'll want to run back to him. Maybe I'll let myself. Again.

After

I wake up the next morning, to my phone ringing. I'm still in my car, parked in front of that stupid house.

I search my phone. When I find it, I hold it up to reveal Brian's name on the screen.

I answer it. "Hello?" I know it's Sunday, but what time is it?

"Hey, Allie. You alright?" He must've noticed my groggy tone. I turn the key, still in the ingnition, and my car comes to life. It's 10:00am. I can't believe I slept so late, in my car nonetheless. I'm sore from my uncomfortable upright sleeping position.

"Yeah, I'm good." I say, but I can't help yawning.

He laughs into the line. "Did I wake you up?"

"A little, but it's okay. I needed to get up."

"What do you have planned for today?" He asks.

"Not sure." I pair my phone to my car's bluetooth so I don't have to hold the phone to my ear while I'm driving. I do have speakerphone, but talking through the car speaker is much easier to hear.

"Why don't you come over to my place, friend." He suggests, his voice ringing through the speaker loud and clear, and I have to turn the volume down a few notches to keep from blowing out an ear drum.

"Is that what a friend would do?" I laugh.

"Yes, they would when they are having a friendly BBQ. Plus, I have a pool."

"You just want to see me half naked again." I tease him.

"Though that is one of the reasons I am inviting you over," He laughs, teasing me in return. "I am also inviting you over for great food. Everyone will be there."

"Everyone, huh?"

"All of the guys." He clarifies.

"Gotcha. I'll come, I guess." I say, trying to sound unconvinced and reluctant.

"You can bring your friend Lindsey, too, if you'd like. Matt seemed to take a liking to her at the restaurant yesterday."

"Ahh, I see."

"Yeah he wouldn't shut up about how pretty she was, when I saw him afterward."

"I'll see if she can make it." I say. "What time should we be there?"

"You can come by whenever. The guys will be here close to 11:30." He gives me his address and we hang up the phone.

I head home and quickly run inside to my bedroom. I throw on a bikini and pull some shorts on over the bottoms. I pull a white v-neck over the top and head back out to the living room, ready to grab my keys and leave, when I hear a knock at the door.

I open the door, without thinking to look through the peep hole first to see who it is.

Dave. What the fuck is he doing here, and how does he know where I live?

"Hey." He says simply, standing in my doorway.

"What are you doing here?" I can't keep the venom from my voice. "How did you know I lived here?"

"I live right across the street." He says, pointing to the apartment building across the street. Fuck! Just my luck, I guess.

"Oh."

"I promise I'm not stalking you, I just happened to be leaving my apartment, when I saw you walking into yours. I wanted to say I'm sorry for coming on so strongly, when I saw you at the club."

This is new. Dave has never been one to apologize that I know of.

"Oh." Is all I can say, yet again.

"I'm sorry, Allie. If you don't mind, sometime I really would like to take you out for a drink." He says. This is way too weird for me. Dave is intimidating, not gentle like he's being now. Could he really have changed after all these years? It seems highly unlikely to me. I haven't forgotten my past with him, nor forgiven him, though I'm to blame just as much for my mistakes.

I can't blame all of my drug problems on him, though he was my dealer. It's not his fault that I turned to drugs when I felt down. It's not his fault that I was leading him on to get what I wanted from him. He liked me, I knew that. I didn't like him. I still don't.

I felt so intimidated by him, being as he was a drug dealer and several years older than me. I was 16 and ridiculously stupid. I never had sex with Dave, he wasn't dumb enough to fuck a minor, anyway. I only ever lead him to believe that he would eventually. I did plenty of other things with him, things that make me sick just thinking about them.

I wasn't trying to cheat on Jason, so I only did these disgusting acts with Dave when Jason and I were broken up, though I know this doesn't make it right. I was trying to save myself for Jason, for the day when we decided to finally explore things further with each other. We never reached that point.

I'm not proud of who I was when I met Dave. I'm not truly proud of who I am now, but I'm learning to try to accept who I am.

Dave always brought out the worst in me. But he always helped me numb the pain, when I felt I couldn't handle it anymore. Little did I know that those times in my life weren't comparable to what I went through with Mike only a few months later. Nothing compared to the pain I felt that horrid night, having my virtue, that I was saving for my oh-so-kind-and-loving boyfriend, taken from me without my say.

I bring myself back from my thoughts and stare at Dave. "I am not going out with you for a drink." I say, not trying to play nice in the slightest. "We are not friends, Dave, nor will we ever be. Please leave me alone. I don't want to see you again." I say, closing the door in his face, not allowing him time to respond.

Notes

Poor Allie has dealt with so much from her past, but there's still more to come, as we get further into the book! Just a fair warning for everyone! Thanks for reading, as always! :)

- J