Life After Death

A week had passed since Jimmy’s funeral and the Avenged boys had continued to stay at Brian’s house, clinging to each other as they weathered the emotional storm. As the days had passed though, it felt like the carousel that had been spinning so wildly out of control was starting to slow down. Jimmy’s name could be spoken without tears, home videos could be laughed at and Brian’s alcohol supply was disappearing at a less alarming rate. Any food I made was being more readily accepted, sometimes even welcomed. Even Brian’s mood was less volatile. He was joining in with the conversations and occasionally forgetting the pain long enough for a smile to ghost his face. Time is a healer, as they say. It was certainly healing me, I felt amazing. I didn’t dare show my elation to the boys, it might offend them to see how good I was feeling.

I was totally wired all the time and on top of everything. The house was pristine, there was always food on the table and Jimmy Jr. was flourishing. I was absolutely nailing motherhood and also keeping the boys afloat. I barely slept, but no matter whether I got 10 minutes or 10 seconds, I was always ready to tackle the next task. I tried to keep my energy under wraps, but it didn’t go unnoticed for long. I had my hands immersed into soapy water, scrubbing the morning dishes with vigour, thinking about how amazing baby Jimmy was when Matt’s voice came from the doorway.
“You alright?” he asked, a puzzled look on his face.
“Absolutely,” I replied breezily, plunging another dish into the sink.
“You look like you’ve dropped E or something,” he chuckled nervously, keeping his eyes on me. I slowed my scrubbing down as I took in what he was saying.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, flatly. My scrubbing came to a stop.
“Nothing, nothing. I just mean, don’t you want a rest? When did you last sleep?” he pressed. I felt like he was attacking me, trying to stop me from carrying out my duties. I turned slowly and looked him dead in the eyes, trying to assess his words. He looked uncomfortable as I stared him down.
“I mean, if you’re fine, carry on. I just came to see if you wanted help,” he garbled, backpedalling furiously.
“I don’t need any help,” I replied, my voice still flat. He nodded and edged slowly out of the kitchen. Thank God. I didn’t need him in here with me, judging me. Once the feeling had passed, I went back to washing the dishes. It didn’t take long before each plate was sparkling with a beautiful shine as it dried on the draining board. Baby Jimmy woke up just on time as I dried my hands, like we were connected. I smiled down at him as I reached to pick him up from his bouncer. He probably wanted his daddy. I carried him carefully down to the lounge where Brian was stretched out on one of the mattresses.

There were hushed tones as I approached and when I pushed the door open, the room fell quiet. All eyes were on me. It didn’t take much to figure out that I had been the subject of the conversation. They had clearly been discussing me. I swallowed, the paranoia dancing in the back of my mind. Perhaps they had noticed how little thought I’d been giving the Rev, or how easily I’d floated through the last week. Maybe they were jealous of how I’d been able to switch off the heartbreak... Maybe they were concerned that I’d been able to switch off. I looked between the four of them nervously.
“Everything ok, Aubrey?” Brian asked, holding his arms out to receive the baby. I held Jimmy against me tightly, not wanting to hand him over to someone who had so easily been talking about me behind my back. “Can I hold Jimmy?” he pressed when I didn’t immediately pass him over, his eyebrow raised. I still had four pairs of eyes on me and the pressure made me crack. I slowly stretched my arms towards Brian and let him take Jimmy from me.
“Is everything ok?” he asked again, eyeing me with an odd look.
“Yes,” I replied, quietly. The boys went back to chatting and I backed out of the room to re-immerse myself in the solitude of the kitchen. I breathed a sigh of relief upon closing the door, finally alone again. I let the peace and stillness of the room wash over me, as I closed my eyes. And that was when I heard him, just the faintest whisper…

Aubrey.

It was soft, like a breeze. I wasn’t sure if I’d actually heard it. I opened my eyes and looked around the room wildly but, of course, I was alone. He wasn’t here. I strained my ears, trying to hear his voice again, but nothing came. I opened the French doors wide and stepped out to the poolside. Again, I tried listening but his voice was long gone. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out. Jimmy had come back for a second and then vanished, leaving me feeling more alone than ever.

I stood by the pool, listening for Jimmy for what felt like an eternity.
“You look like you could use one of these,” Zacky announced from the doorway, startling me. I whipped around and saw him holding out his packet of cigarettes. Without saying anything, I reached for one and allowed him to light it for me. I’d not smoked since finding out I was pregnant. The harsh taste made me cough at first, but then the dizzying nicotine came rushing in and I welcomed it like it was an old friend. We stood in silence as we puffed on our cigarettes, until I had to voice the question that had been nagging me for the last 2 hours.
“Do you think ghosts are real?” I asked, staring into the pool as I flicked some ash from my cigarette. Zach was quiet for quite a while, so much so that I was about to repeat myself, when he suddenly spoke.
“If they are, Jimmy will be haunting our asses,” he made himself cackle, coughing as the smoke caught in his throat. I didn’t press any further. That gave me all the information I needed - Jimmy could be around us. We finished smoking, discarding our butts in the ashtray that was set on the table. Zack hung about awkwardly.
“Did you need something?” I asked, waiting for him to make a move.
He shrugged, “I don’t know. I just wanted you to know I’m here if you need me.”
“Thanks, but I’m fine,” I replied, eyeing him suspiciously. He gave me a small nod and disappeared back into the house. I turned back towards the view. The sun was setting, the ocean flashing blue and pink as it reflected the light. I found myself diving obsessively into thoughts of the supernatural, exploring the possibility of ghosts and life after death. Maybe I was meant to be right here, right at this moment. Maybe I was supposed to be a vessel for Jimmy to communicate through.

I heard baby Jimmy crying out from inside the house. I abandoned all my theories by the pool as I went to find him. Brian was holding him to his chest, bouncing him gently and shushing him.
“I think he’s hungry,” he smiled at me.
“Come here little JimJam,” I said softly, taking him from Brian. I excused myself from the boys and headed back to the kitchen to feed him. He certainly was hungry, latching on instantly and greedily sucking. A peaceful quiet fell across the room, interrupted only by the occasional soft suckling from Jimmy. I’d left the double doors open and a breeze was blowing lazily through the trees outside, rustling the leaves against each other.

Aubrey…

“Jimmy?” I called out, trying to work out where the sound had come from. He was gone again though. I stepped out onto Brian’s patio, wrapping a blanket around baby Jimmy as he fed. I searched the sky, looking for something. A sign, I guess. Something to show me that this was real. I was half expecting to see Jimmy somewhere; he’d sounded so close and so real. No one came though, no sign came, nothing. I knew I had to be patient, to wait for however long it may take. I settled myself on a sun lounger and tried to keep my eyes moving. I didn’t want to miss it when it came. I didn’t know what I was looking for, I just knew that something was coming and that I’d know when I saw it. The sun sunk lower in the sky and that was when it happened. A ray of light hit Jimmy, lighting him up in a golden haze. He looked like an angel. This was it, this was what I had been waiting for and now I could see it. It all made sense. God was showing me that I’d been so wrong, but now I understood.
I wasn’t the vessel. Jimmy was.

Notes

Huh, well how about that?

Perhaps I should have made this known at the start, but in case you hadn't guessed, we may be about to take a dark turn in this story.