Life After Death

“And then she told me all about the complete works of Charles Dickens and why they were so important to her theory about electricity and cats,” Aubrey rambled excitedly as she fawned over Jimmy in his stroller. She’d been harping on about Lily, her new best friend, who was absolutely batshit, even to Aubrey’s standards. They had struck up a bizarre but balanced friendship. Aubrey needed noise as a distraction, and Lily provided it. Lily needed an outlet for her mind’s working, and Aubrey provided it. As I listened to her giggle over the electro-cat theory, I smiled to myself.
“You’re different,” I mused, as Aubrey flashed me a questioning look.
“How so?” she asked, stopping to look at me.
“You seem more like you,” I spoke the words carefully, trying not to offend her.
She waved me off, “I’ve always been me.”
She began walking again, offering my statement little thought. I didn’t press it, just enjoyed the moment. If you took away our surroundings, we almost looked like a typical family again. Aubrey pushed the stroller along with such pride, stopping occasionally to rearrange Jimmy’s silky blue blanket or stroke his dark hair. I ambled alongside, enjoying watching her interactions with him. It had been a long time since I’d seen her like this. Too long, for sure.
I put an arm around her shoulders, “So, how are you feeling?”
“I feel ok,” she said, awkwardly, glancing at the nurses who were a few metres behind us. “I’m still on watch, though, as you can see.”
I nodded, not needing an explanation. She was still… not quite right. After our visits, I usually checked in with the nurses and they spared me no details. Aubrey had, on more than one occasion, tried unsuccessfully to escape the ward in her first couple of weeks there. Though her escape attempts had stopped, from what I understood in my last liaison with them she still regularly spoke about suicide; something that she never mentioned to me during our visits. That one hurt the most. Failed escapes were almost comical, if I tried not to think about it too much, but mentions of suicidal thoughts were like a battering ram to the locked door of my Jimmy turmoil. They swirled up all the insecurities and self-doubt surrounding my memories of him. It felt like a knife in the wound that she never spoke to me about it, she didn't even hint at it. I would just have to trust that the nursing staff were looking after her for me. I gave Aubrey a weak smile.
“They just want to keep you safe,” I reassured her. She didn’t argue my answer, but didn’t look convinced either.

Our walk came to an end much too soon. I’d been enjoying seeing Aubrey at her most vibrant since she’d been admitted, and I didn’t want to leave. She had put to rest all my worries about how she would behave around Jimmy. She’d outdone herself in being the perfect mother and the sight was a bittersweet pill to swallow, as I knew we would have to go our separate ways again very soon. As we came back to the hospital entrance, she stretched out her hands towards the stroller, hesitating as she got close to the little bundle inside.
She looked at me, hopefully, “Can I?”
“Of course,” I smiled, watching her wrap her fingers around Jimmy. She picked him up so delicately, like she thought she might break him. As he nestled into the crook of her arm, she closed her eyes and let her lips curl upwards into a faint smile.
“I can almost pretend I’m home with him,” she murmured, softly, holding him close to her. A heaviness came over my chest as I watched her grip our baby to her like she never wanted to let go. Her tiny, pale wrists peeked out from her sleeves, reminding how far she had left to go before she would be ready to come home. I wrapped my arms around the two of them, determined to savour the moment before she would be gone again. I breathed in her scent, catching the familiar scent of old smoke on her hair. I decided not to berate her about it, it was an argument that we didn’t need to have right now.
“Time to go, Aubrey,” Dave called over, as gently as he could. They must have sensed how difficult it would be for her to leave us, especially Jimmy. I let my arms fall to my sides and watched Aubrey reluctantly lay Jimmy back down in his stroller. She leaned down to kiss his head and then turned to me, tears brimming.
“He’s so perfect,” she smiled, blinking away the pooling in her eyes.
“I know, he really is,” I agreed, trying not to let my own emotions well up.
She faltered for a second, before turning her face away, “Well, goodbye then.”
She began walking back towards the building before I could kiss her, or even hug her.
“I’ll see you soon. I love you,” I called to her retreating figure. She didn’t answer, but I put it down to her not wanting to prolong the pain of leaving us to go back to Ward 6. I knew that if I felt like shit about us parting ways, it would only be worse for her.

I got home to Johnny, Zach and Matt all crowded into my lounge. I looked between each of them nervously. Johnny and Matt looked stormy, Zach looked guilty.
“I have to put Jimmy down for a nap, then you can all tell me what’s going on,” I ordered, though I didn’t really want to know what the stony-faced reception was all about.
I tucked a snoozing Jimmy in in his cot and grabbed the monitor as I reluctantly headed downstairs.
The three of them were still waiting in the lounge, not looking any happier.
“So, what’s going on?” I asked, looking at the crowd of sullen faces on my sofa. Matt raised an eyebrow at me.
“You didn’t think to mention that Jimmy wrote a song right before he died?” he clipped, making me grimace. I’d forgotten all about the demo that Zach had told me about.
“It’s not like we’ve listened to it,” I shrugged.
“What if we wanted to listen to it?” Johnny questioned pointedly, his arms folded across his chest.
I narrowed my eyes at them. Zach was looking increasingly uncomfortable between them. He’d obviously already been subjected to this tirade.
I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose, “I’d honestly forgotten about it. I’ve been kinda busy, you know?”
“Of course you’ve forgotten it,” Johnny retorted, “You’ve forgotten Jimmy.”
His words hit me like a blast from the shotgun.
“How dare you?” I snarled, a rage bubbling inside me. I don’t know where it had come from, only that it had instantly hit boiling point. “I think about him every fucking day.”
Matt stepped in, “Let’s cool it, guys.”
“No, let’s not,” Johnny snapped. “Brian and Zacky kept this demo under wraps, and then have you seen upstairs? Every single photo including Jimmy is turned down. If that’s not forgetting him, Matt, then I don’t know what is.”
“I wish I could forget him,” I hissed before I could stop myself. “I wish I’d never known him. I get that you’re all pissed about this, trust me, but I’m not the one who killed myself so you can all go fuck yourselves with that guilting bullshit.”
A shocked silence fell over the room at my words. Fuck, I even shocked myself. I didn’t mean that, did I? Zacky stood from the couch and cleared his throat.
“Maybe we should just listen to this thing?” he suggested meekly, not looking at any of us. I clenched my jaw tight.
“You’re welcome to, but I don’t want to hear it,” I spat before stalking outside for a cigarette.

I pulled a cloud of smoke deep into my lungs, quietly pleading with it to soothe some of my rage.
“I didn’t mean to mention it to them,” Zach’s apologetic tones came from the doorway. “I let slip about it and then they hounded me for details. They're right though. We should have told them ages ago, though.”
“I’ve been kinda busy,” I sang, sarkily. “I've been taking care of Aubrey, remember? My psychotic girlfriend who nearly drowned my child?”
Zacky stayed quiet, lighting a cigarette awkwardly.
“I don’t think I can face this demo, Zach,” I tried again, my voice softer this time. I blew out a cloud of smoke and stubbed my cigarette out in the ash tray. “I’m so angry about it all still, and the only way to move forward is to forget.”
“You can’t just forget though, Bri,” he protested, “You have to learn to live with it.”
“No Z, that’s you, not me. I don’t want to live with Jimmy’s ghost,” I shook my head, looking away from him.
“It’s not his ghost,” Zacky replied, quietly. “It’s his memory.”
I shrugged, “Same thing.”
“It’s not the same thing, Brian,” he shot back, frustrated now, “I don’t know how to get it through to you.”
“I don’t need you to ‘get it through’ to me. I need to focus on the living. I need to focus on my girlfriend and on my son,” I finished, sternly. I stood up, making to move inside. Zach flicked his half-smoked cigarette without hesitation and followed, still badgering me.
“Brian, just listen to the demo, please?” he begged, “Then you can forget him forever, if that’s what you really want.”
I stopped abruptly, causing him to crash into me clumsily.
I turned to face him, “If I listen to this, everyone gets off of my back.”
Zach nodded vigorously, “We’ll all listen together and then you can do whatever you want.”

As I entered the lounge, Johnny stood immediately.
“I’m sorry, bro,” he mumbled, offering his hand. I took it and we shook.
“Yeah, me too. Shit’s wild at the moment and it’s got us all saying stuff,” I muttered back.
With our awkward, gruff apology out of the way, I took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry that we didn’t mention this demo sooner. Z and I discussed it, the day Aubrey went into hospital. It just got swept to the side and forgotten with everything else happening,” I explained, lamely. Johnny and Matt stood quietly, our small spat weighing down on the atmosphere. Matt opened and closed his mouth a few times, clearly looking for words. Eventually, he stopped his goldfish impersonation and spoke, a pained look on his face.
“Bri, please don’t forget Jimmy,” he pleaded. “You were his best friend. Our love for him means nothing if yours fades away.”
I looked at the floor, pushing his words away. I was nowhere near ready to forgive Jimmy, let alone love his memory.
Ignoring Matt’s request, I pressed onward with the matter at hand.
“Let’s hear this demo, then.”

Notes

I wonder why Aubrey was off at the end of their visit? Maybe Brian's right, maybe things are just difficult for her. Or maybe something more sinister is going on...