Life After Death

I was preparing dinner when my phone lit up with a call. I looked at the clock. 7pm already. I answered the call, putting it on speaker so I could continue with the vegetables.
“So, we’re allowed to walk around the grounds when you next visit,” Aubrey’s excited voice came into the kitchen in a rush before I'd even said hello. “I have to be supervised though - sorry about that. They keep calling me a ‘risk’. I mean come on, look at me! I’m a weed, like I could outrun security and just casually hop over the fence to escape. That’s so crazy that they think that, don't you think? So anyway, Lily was kicking off again today. She was trying to tell everyone about some genocide and the nurses kept telling her to be quiet. Eventually she just went ape shit, started screaming about brutality and then had to be restrained after she slapped Kath. Isn’t that funny? I don't even know what she was talking about. I never do because she's absolutely off her trolley. Hey, can you believe I’ve been here a month already?”
“Aubrey, slow down,” I cut into her verbal diarrhoea, rubbing my temples with a wince. “You’re flying high today, huh?” I asked, painstakingly cutting up some carrot.
“Oh, I’m just never good enough for you, am I?” she hissed, instantly launching into attack mode. “Too sad, too angry, too psycho and now I’m too fucking happy.”
“That’s not what I meant,” I replied, wearily. Not much had changed in a month, despite Aubrey being ‘force fed’ – as she put it – medication and therapy. I’d been visiting her as often as I could and talking to her every night on the phone. She tended to be either up high and I couldn’t get a word in edgeways; or completely blue and reluctant to speak to me. Either way, it wasn’t difficult to send her into a tirade of abuse. We were both quiet for a minute. I carried on chopping as I waited for her to come back around. It didn’t take too long.
“So, did you want to go out for a walk?” Her voice was sweet as anything, as though she hadn’t just bitten my head off a few minutes ago.
I smiled, “A walk sounds nice.”
“Maybe you could bring Jimmy?” she asked, her voice drenched in hope. I sighed, putting down the knife and looking over to our son who was batting at the toys on his mobile.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Aub,” I said eventually, guilt flushing my cheeks. I didn’t want to keep him away from her, but she was hardly a picture of stability yet. She went very quiet, though she refrained from hanging up as she usually did when I refused to bring him to her. Jimmy let out a loud coo from his play gym.
“Is that him?” she asked, softly.
I nodded, though she couldn’t see me, “Yep.”
“God, I’m missing him so much, Brian.”
“I know you are, babe,” I replied, my voice wobbling with emotion.
Aubrey groaned, “My turn’s up, I have to go.”
“I’ll see you on Wednesday and we’ll walk,” I promised, “I love you.”
She hummed in response and then hung up without saying goodbye – another common occurrence these days. I looked over to Jimmy. I couldn’t keep him away forever, and I didn’t want to damage Aubrey’s bond with him either.
“You wanna see your mommy on Wednesday?” I asked, watching him grab at the soft mirror with his pudgy little fingers. He gurgled away, entertaining himself.

“Damn, that smells good, my man,” Johnny appraised, as he entered the kitchen.
“It’s only a stew,” I shrugged, stirring the mixture in the pot.
“How was Aubrey today?” he asked, grabbing cutlery to set 4 places at the table. The boys were always here these days, not that I minded. I liked having the company, and they were all so hands on with Jimmy too. They’d gotten into a routine of cooking, cleaning and babysitting while I visited Aubrey.
“Same old,” I replied. “She was buzzing today. Could hardly get a word in.”
“Well, better that than not speaking at all, right?” Johnny smiled sympathetically as he located the bowls in the cupboard.
I shrugged again, “I guess.”
Zach and Matt strolled into the kitchen, animatedly discussing whatever video game they’d just been battling each other on. The chatter filled the kitchen in the warmest way, temporarily pushing all my self-doubt and worrying out of the door. I was incredibly grateful for the distraction they all blessed me with. Lifting the pot from the stove, I let their bantering wash over me as I carried it over and set it down on the table.
“I kicked Matt’s ass,” Zach informed me proudly, with a smug smile.
“Yeah, yeah,” Matt drawled, rolling his eyes at me. He made sure Zacky wasn’t looking and then mouthed ‘I let him win’ at me. I snorted, covering it up with a cough as Zacky looked up, inquisitively.
“Dinner is served,” I announced with a bow, distracting him from the secret that Shads had just let me in on.

How quickly Wednesday rolled around. Aubrey had been particularly well behaved in our phone calls, not even prodding about me bringing Jimmy in. It really cemented my decision to try letting her see him, even though I was still nervous as anything about it. It had to happen sometime, and I’d much rather Jimmy be out in his stroller for a walk than sat in the hospital itself. I clipped him into his car seat, admiring his handsome, chubby little face. I know I’m biased, but he was as cute as a button. I hadn’t told Aubrey that I was bringing him, I’m not sure why. Maybe it was because I was still hesitant and second guessing whether it was really the right thing to do, even as I strapped him into the car.
“There we go, Jimjam,” I smiled as he blinked his deep blue eyes at me. I got into the driver’s seat, feeling increasingly uncomfortable about what was coming with each action. I clicked my seatbelt into place and tried to push the ‘what if’s out of my mind. Rubbing my hand across my stubble, I flicked the key and let the car awaken. More reservations flooded into my mind as the sound of the engine roared into the car. It was going to be a long drive.

I’d gotten used to the miserable reception that I usually got from the staff at White Oaks, so it caught me off guard today when the secretary of the main reception practically leapt out of her chair to inspect Jimmy. She swooned as she looked into the stroller.
“Oh my, what a darling little thing. Isn’t he so cute?” she simpered, pinching his cheek. Why do people insist on doing that? Jimmy pulled a little scowl at her violation of his space but she didn’t pay any attention as she continued cooing at him.
“He’s going to break hearts when he’s older,” she predicted, nodding to me. I forced a smile back, waiting for her to let us get on. After another minute, she released us from her clutches and we headed towards Ward 6. I rang the buzzer and one of the nurses appeared.
“Hi there, Mr. Haner. Aubrey didn’t say you were bringing Jimmy,” he smiled, peering into the stroller. “She’s just getting her coat on. She hasn’t stopped talking about this all day.”
“Oh, really?” I asked shakily, clearly feeling the complete opposite. I was a bag of nerves at the impending activity.
“Yep, she’s excited alright,” he chuckled. “Now, I’m afraid there will be two of us with you, but we’ll hang back and let you have some privacy.”
“Thanks, Dave,” I nodded. He disappeared back into the ward and I turned my attention to Jimmy. He was laying back, taking in the surroundings, occasionally babbling. I felt a knot of worry working itself up in my stomach. I had no idea how Aubrey was going to react to seeing Jimmy or how she'd act in front of him. I should have made sure this was okay in advance. I was just cursing myself when the door in front of me rattled once again. Wheeling Jimmy to the side, I stood back as one of the large doors opened outwards. Dave and a female nurse came out first, followed by Aubrey. She was looking surprisingly good today. She’d brushed her hair, there was colour to her cheeks and her eyes had a little sparkle to them. She almost looked… normal again.
“Brian,” she breathed happily, jamming a beanie down over her hair. “We get to go outside!”
“I know,” I grinned, her enthusiasm infecting me. I loved these moments so much, when it was almost as though nothing was wrong. If we’d have not been standing next to a psych ward, I could have been fooled into thinking this was the Aubrey that I knew and loved. There was a little burble from behind me, as though Jimmy wanted to signal his presence. Aubrey let out a little gasp at the noise and her eyes widened. She leaned to the side to peer around me. As soon as she saw the stroller, her hands flew to her mouth.
“Brian,” she said softly, her eyes flooding with tears. “You brought him? You brought Jimmy?”
“I did,” I whispered back, my heart soaring with elation and breaking with guilt all at the same time. Aubrey wrapped her arms around me in surprisingly tight hug and squeezed me as she murmured over and over again,
“Thank you.”

Notes

Aww, Aubrey finally gets to see her baby Jimmy <3