Life After Death

“Are you eating yet?”
“Sometimes. When they force me,” I muttered, not making eye contact with him.
He pursed his lips, “You need to, Aubrey. Would you eat for me?”
“I can’t,” I replied. I looked around warily to make sure no one was listening and dropped my voice to a whisper. “The food is how they kill you off.”
“No one’s trying to kill you,” he answered, softly. Of course he'd say that.
“I’ve seen them put the poison in. And they put chemicals in the shower water, to make you more docile. Lily told me,” I whispered back. He gave me a weary look.
“Lily's not always right. You’ll feel much better if you eat, and take your meds,” he insisted, trying to make a point for his lame cause. I simply gave him a curt nod to indicate that I was done with the current topic. Ever the pleaser, he took my cue and steered the conversation in a different direction.
“How are you today?” he asked, shifting forwards in his seat and watching me intently, trying to encourage honesty with his gaze.
I shrugged, “Lonely.”
I didn’t have much else to say. He looked at me sympathetically.
“Hasn’t-”
“You know he hasn’t, nothing's changed since yesterday,” I cut him off, sharply. “But you have been visiting. You’ve been here nearly every day. Why?”
He leaned back in the armchair, turning his attention to the hairline cracks in the lilac ceiling. His hands were relaxed easily in his lap, even in a place like this. Of course, he wasn’t the one locked up here. It must be so easy to be here when you know you can leave any time you want to.
“Because I care about you,” he spoke softly, carefully, keeping his eyes fixed upwards. “It must be hard for you here, and maybe I can make that a little easier. You can always tell me not to come if you don’t want me here, I won't be offended.”
“That’s not what I meant,” I rushed, quickly, not wanting to drive him away. “I just… I don’t understand why I’m here - why you put me here. So, why are you here? You didn't care when they sent me here.”
“I’ll always care, Aubrey,” he replied, meeting my eyes with a sincere gaze. He fumbled with his hands for a moment before opening his mouth again, awkwardly. “The nurses said you’ve been trying to hurt yourself.”
“Of course they did," I muttered darkly, accompanied with a scowl as I pulled my hoodie sleeves down over the marks on my arms. "They took my jewellery away, and my bobby pins. They even took my pen from me.”
“Why are you doing it, Aubrey?” His face twisted, as though the very thought pained him. I ignored his question. I didn’t want to tell him how desperately I wanted out. How every waking moment in here was like a hell I’d never known. I’d never been clearer in my entire life about why I was on this earth, and yet everyone thought I was off my rocker - and now they were leaving me to rot somewhere that was worse than a prison, trying to medicate my enlightenment away. What consequences would I face if I didn't do what I was put here to do? I was terrified of that notion and more than happy to leave the world on my own terms instead.

“I haven't let Brian come yet," I confessed, trying to change the subject. "I don't know why but I keep telling him no. Why don't I want to see him?"
“I don’t know,” he shrugged, sadly. “From what I can tell though, Aubrey, Brian’s not been around very much from the start. Maybe you're just... done with it?"
I winced. His words hurt, but a familiarity rang out from them. Brian had missed a lot lately. He’d missed antenatal appointments, pretty much the entire pregnancy, almost missed the birth, and now he was AWOL again, leaving me locked up by myself. Surely, that didn't mean that I didn't love him anymore though?
“I just want to want to see him, you know?” I whispered, feeling salty pools welling up in my eyes.
“I know you do,” he sighed, reaching forward and placing a hand on mine. “But in the mean time, I’m happy to be here for as long as you want me to be. I know it’s not the same as him, but the feeling comes from the same place.”
His fingers gave me a feeling of security as they wrapped around mine and squeezed. I didn’t pull away from him, his touch was comforting and exactly what I needed in that moment. An emotionally charged gesture that enveloped me in a brief moment of normality. I thrust myself upon him, my arms desperately threading around his waist. He was taken aback at my sudden show of emotion, but quickly wrapped me into a tight embrace, providing me with a temporary haven from my situation. I clung to him, like he was a life ring keeping me from drowning. He stroked my hair as the tears fell from my eyes, giving me as long as I needed to spill my emotions out.

I wept into his chest for a long time. He remained perfectly still, apart from the hand that was caressing my back softly. So much had happened lately, and all I had felt for the last two weeks was utter misery. I was exhausted and away from my friends, my family and my baby. I had no one, I had nothing. I felt so incredibly insignificant, surrounded by crazy people and nurses that I didn’t trust, being forced to take medication that I didn’t want, never left alone – even at night. All I wanted to was to escape this place, and I didn’t care how at this point. They’d wasted no time in beginning to strip away everything that made me who I was, leaving me an empty shell of a human. A body with no soul, mindlessly going through the motions. I’d never felt so isolated in my life… But I wasn’t alone right now, and there was a much needed warmth coming from the man who was currently holding me tightly. He had never judged me, never hurt me, and never done wrong by me.

My tears had slowed, but I didn’t pick myself up. I stayed with my head against his chest, letting his heartbeat soothe my aching mind. The confusion that swirled around inside me became louder. Why was he here, and not Brian? It must mean something - the same person who’d always picked up the pieces, whose loyalty had never faltered. A vibration hummed through my ears as he spoke.
“Aubrey, I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you, whatever you need. If I can speak honestly, I felt a connection between us right from the first time we met and I’ll see it through until the end, whatever happens. So whether it’s just friendship or,” he pulled away from me to look me in the eye. “Or if it’s ever something more… I’ll just be whatever you need me to be.”
I knew what I needed. I needed affirmation, I needed love and I needed human connection, and I didn't care where it came from; so I closed the gap between us with very little hesitation, pressing my lips to his. He didn’t pull away, instead leaning in and kissing me back deeply. The electricity of it all touched a place deep within me, satisfyingly suffocating my loneliness and closing the void that Brian should have been filling. My hands snaked around his neck, pulling him closer, and his fingers wound into my hair. We gave in to the moment, just for a few seconds; then he broke away, instantly looking away guiltily.
“I’m sorry,” he began. “I-”
“Don’t say it,” I interrupted, not wanting the moment to melt away, but the disappointment started creeping in. I swallowed. “You shouldn't have done it - is that what you were going to say? Am I that fucked up that you don't want me?”
“Of course I want you,” he replied, quietly, facing me again. “I always have, but you have Brian."
"Brian isn't exactly fighting to be here," I retorted, completely pulling out from his grasp.
"Maybe you haven't given him the chance? I just think you should think about this, Aubrey. The timing is... maybe not the best," he stood and ran a hand through his hair, nervously. "I'd better go."
He left without even a goodbye. I stayed sat in the visitor's room, the moment leaving me reeling with confusion and guilt. I felt even more alone than I did before he'd visited. Perhaps he was right, perhaps it was time to let Brian in.

Notes

I'm sorry, please don't lynch me! It was nothing to do with me! Fuckin Adam, right guys? Right?

That picture in the background of the website - Brian's totally judging me right now lol.