Through All the Dust

“Look at these crystal blues,” I smiled, pinching the world’s tiniest cheeks affectionately. “I know you.”
Lauren grinned, sipping at her coffee, “Eerie, isn’t it?”
“No,” I breathed calmly. “It’s fucking wonderful. Like looking at my best friend again.”
Owen was the tiniest piece of heaven. He was a happy baby, loud like his father. He’d inherited Jimmy’s incredible eyes and peaked nose. I was absolutely smitten with him and it took everything I had not to steal him. I really, really wanted to.
They’d been home for exactly twelve hours before Lauren had called to invite me for coffee. She figured now that things were settling, we should kick the dust back up. I’d worked out everything I needed to say to her and had it all down to memory—but then I caught sight of Owen and my troubles all melted away. Lauren had an unfair advantage.
He nuzzled into my chest and yawned.
“Oh my god,” I gushed, looking at Lauren with awe in my eyes. “I can’t handle him.”
“I know,” she laughed softly. “Everything he does makes my heart skip a bit.”
I nodded with a sly grin, “Can confirm.”
Within a few seconds, baby Owen was asleep. I held him tighter, feeling the sudden responsibility that came with being the baby’s bed. He smelled so fucking good.
“I think it bodes well for you that I can’t yell,” I smirked at my friend. “Did you plan this?”
She shrugged, setting her mug onto the coffee table, “Happy accident.”
“I…I don’t know where to start,” I told her helplessly.
“Let me, then,” she insisted quietly, gathering up her thoughts. “I’m so sorry, Blair….I was so far out of line. I was acting like a crazy person…and I don’t even know why.”
“Because you’re insecure,” I offered lightly. “And alone.”
She nodded, lamely moving her head from side to side in thought, “I’ve had some time to think about the things I said…the things I accused you of…I’m so ashamed of myself.”
I wanted to bite her head off. I wanted to go back over the list of why what she’d done was heartbreaking. But she seemed to already know. She seemed to be burdened by the same grief I’d had bestowed onto my already heavy shoulders. So, I just let her be.
“I think,” she finally spoke again, her voice a little squeaky. “I needed a reason to detach myself from this life.”
I narrowed my eyes at her.
“I’ve been so terrified, Blair,” she confessed weakly. “I was afraid of having this baby, I was…am…afraid of being with Jimmy. I don’t know what that really looks like yet—it’s been like tunnel vision since he died. I still had a part of him inside of me, you know? And when I realized that would end…I panicked. I needed to push it away…”
“Lauren,” I sighed. “You know nothing ever happened with Jimmy and I, right?”
She hesitated, “I want to believe that…and in some ways, I do. But I think you’re maybe a little naïve about it, too.”
“Naïve?” I choked, my nerves rattling their chains.
“I think…You and Jimmy were so dead-set on pretending like there were absolutely no sparks between you,” she explained slowly, “that you missed out on the truth. I know you guys were never romantic…but I think there’s a reason why you’re so messed up about his death. Like you missed out on something.”
“I missed out on spending my life with my best friend,” I told her flatly.
She hummed to herself, “Mm…yeah…but…”
She stopped herself. I was having exactly none of that.
“But?”
“But you weren’t this bad when Tyler died,” she said bluntly. “You got your bearings together much more quickly when Tyler passed away…You’re still a total flight risk when it comes to Jimmy.”
Her words hit a glaring sore spot in my crust. My brain shut down—probably in some feeble attempt to protect Lauren. I was running her words over and over through my hazy mind. Here’s the thing. It bothered me because it was wildly inaccurate…but it also bothered me because it wasn’t a concept foreign to my guilty mind. The notion had occurred to me while I drifted in the sea current, contemplating taking my own life.
Things had gotten bad when Tyler had died. I’d gotten out of control. It had been like an avalanche of shit immediately following the loss…but I’d had Jimmy to lean on. And Brian. And Justin.
When Jimmy died, there was no one. Everyone was reeling from that loss, too. There was nothing left for me—I had to fend for myself, and it had been a nasty hunt.
“How fucking dare you,” I growled lowly.
Despite my own tainted mind conjuring up the ridicule, Lauren had absolutely no right to trudge into those waters. She wasn’t there. She didn’t know. I kept that darkened part of me from her intentionally. I’d pushed Tyler far down in order to keep a shred of sanity. And now, my coping mechanism was being used as some sort of example for why I obviously loved Jimmy in some inappropriate and unacceptable way? I was livid.
Lauren faltered, realizing only then just how far over the line she’d stepped.
“Don’t do that,” I warned her. “Don’t you dare fucking do that.”
“I’m sorry,” she replied quickly. “That didn’t come out right.”
“You know,” I hissed, reminding myself that I was holding the baby and absolutely could not get loud. “I’ve tolerated a lot of shit from a lot of people. But I won’t tolerate this demeaning bullshit from you, Lauren. I just won’t. How fucked up are you that you can sit there and sputter off that level of bullshit? You want to draw parallels between Tyler and Jimmy? Who the fuck does that?”
She opened and closed her mouth several times. There was no backpedaling to be had.
“The reality, Lauren,” I continued angrily. “If you’d like to hear it—and not your abstract, made up version…is that Tyler died and I died, too. I leaned into other people to get through it, I’m sorry that your boyfriend was one of them…but even he wasn’t enough to keep my afloat. I used drugs—so, so, so many drugs to cope. That didn’t do it. I considered taking my life just so I could see my friend again. I overdosed trying to get rid of the endless amounts of grief that consumed me every fucking second of every single day. Don’t you dare try and tell me that I’m mourning one over the other. You can’t compare them. Why would you even want to? Why the fuck am I justifying myself to you?”
I wanted to storm out. Correction: I wanted to slap her in her face and then storm out. But Owen stirred in my arms, sleepily cracking his eyes open before letting them fall closed again. My heart tugged at its deadened strings.
I looked at Lauren with defeat.
“I’m sorry,” she said again. “You’re right. You’re so right. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know what’s going on inside my head…You’ve never been anything but good to me—and here I am, being a total bitch.”
“Don’t cuss,” I half-teased. “It’s unbecoming.”
“Blair,” she frowned with a heavy sigh. “I’m so sorry. I never should have said that…I never should have said any of it.”
“No shit,” I groaned.
Her eyes began to well up, “You are the only thing that’s kept me going these last seven months…You’ve been the best friend to me…Like a sister I never had. I don’t know why I’m getting myself all worked up. I don’t know why I’m attacking you. I don’t know why I thought I should go to Brian and not to you…I’m so sorry.”
She broke down into tears, weeping quietly into her palms. For a second, I did nothing. I didn’t look at her, I didn’t care. I figured it served her right for being such a cunt. But, unfortunately, I truly loved Lauren. I cared more about her than I did myself, not that that was saying a whole lot.
“Lauren, stop,” I exhaled. “This is why I’m here, right? To talk it out? After what happened, I don’t think we should have expected rainbows.”
She sniffled, daring to look up at me.
“Seriously stop,” I half-laughed. “You know crying makes me uncomfortable.”
“I feel like the world’s worst person,” she wept.
I shrugged, “I’m pretty sure I still have you beat for that. And if that doesn’t reassure you, we could talk about Victoria for a while.”
She smiled finally, “That’s true…”
“Look,” I said flatly, “I’m willing to overlook the insane bullshit you just threw at me, so long as you’re willing to stop obsessing over this Jimmy thing that never happened.”
She nodded, “It just…irked me, Blair…He called you the love of his life.”
“Maybe I was,” I shrugged. “But it just…Fuck. You’re looking at it all wrong.”
“Was he yours?” she asked carefully.
I considered this. It was no secret that I held Jimmy in high regard, often noting him to be my soul mate. The ying to my yang. The only person on this planet that had ever entirely understood me—he could read me just by listening to the way I breathed. It was the type of connection that only came around once in a lifetime. It could have been easily mistaken for love if you weren’t paying close attention.
“Yeah,” I finally said, slowly though. “But…”
“But?”
“But it…fuck…” I paused, trying my best to formulate a coherent thought that would help Lauren understand.
Maybe I should have just lied. It would have been easier that way.
“I say that only because I loved Jimmy like I’ve never loved anyone,” I told her. “It was totally unconditional. There was nothing in this world that he could do to make me lose trust in him, or respect. I never questioned him. I never…He was so important to me, you know? Through understanding him, I felt like I could understand myself. And he got me. He knew all of my secrets and all of my soft spots…And he protected them. He was never cold with me or uncaring…He was never threatened or jealous—and that’s only because he wasn’t in love with me. And I wasn’t in love with him.”
She was finally listening.
“Don’t get me wrong, Lo,” I continued more softly. “I can appreciate how easy it would be to misinterpret what Jimmy and I had…I do get it. But honestly? That isn’t even really why I’m pissed. I’m pissed that you went to Brian and not to me. I can’t help but feel like you were trying to destroy something…and I just don’t understand why.”
“Because I’m insecure,” she said confidently. “Because I didn’t know what to do with what I was feeling…But, Blair, I swear I didn’t go to Brian, like, trying to rat you out. It wasn’t like that at all, I promise.”
“Then what was it like?” I asked, adjusting my numb arm the Owen was now drooling all over.
“I wanted the truth,” she told me. “And I didn’t think I could believe you, even if you were being honest. If Brian had these same insecurities, I thought maybe I could find some sort of proof, I guess…It’s not right, I know that.”
I shrugged, “And what did Brian have to say?”
“Basically what you just said,” she half-smiled. “That you two were grossly infatuated with each other. That you were always touching and grabbing at each other…but that he never felt threatened. He said that he thought your love for each other came from a place of mutual understanding, like a calming thing…to be with someone that just loved you and didn’t ever judge you or question you.”
My man. I was always falling short of giving Brian enough credit. He, too, understood me pretty thoroughly. Though, that understanding had to be worked at over years and years. Jimmy and I clicked immediately—like two lost halves coming together. I was so fucking relieved to hear that Brian hadn’t sold me out or claimed temporary insanity like Lauren had.
“Right,” was all I could say.
“I guess I’m jealous,” she sighed. “And I always have been. You guys were so much more connected than he and I ever were…or ever will be.”
“Lauren,” I stifled a laugh. “You guys share a fucking kid.”
She noted, “Accident.”
“Maybe so,” I nodded once. “But he was over the fucking moon about it. He was so fucking happy…He wanted you to be his wife, Lauren. He wanted to marry you.”
Her eyes began to mist again. She rose to her feet and carried herself away, returning a moment later with the tiny box I’d whipped at her a few days before. The guilt returned at the sight of it. She set it down on my knee, resuming her place on the couch in silence.
“I never should have thrown this at you,” I said knowingly. “I’m really sorry for that…It wasn’t my classiest move.”
She pursed her lips, “Mine either…I had it coming.”
“You did,” I laughed.
“You weren’t really clear,” she said quietly. “You said this was supposed to be my late Christmas gift…You meant from Jimmy, right?”
I nodded.
“How long have you had this?”
I didn’t want to tell her the truth. But we’d done enough lying to one another for one lifetime. Besides, if we were going to get through all of our troubles, this was one that would need to be addressed.
“A while,” I replied. “He asked us to keep it at our house…He was going to propose after new year’s.”
She looked so fucking sad.
“That’s the face I was trying to avoid,” I frowned.
She nodded absently, dabbing at her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt.
“I would have said yes, you know,” she said weepily. “I could have been a Sullivan.”
“You are a Sullivan,” I informed her seriously.
I got up and walked baby Owen to his bassinet, laying him down as seamlessly as I could. He stirred but only for a second. He was the world’s best baby, no question about it.
I picked up the box, flipping it open to peer at the giant black stone inside. Jimmy had told me that while Lauren was a classic, she deserved a ring that was not. He wanted something unique, like the love they shared. He said she was the only one in the world that had ever loved him as patiently as she could. And for that, he assumed her heart had blacked itself out. It was a little funny, but mostly adorable.
The ring was stunning.
“He had nice taste,” I thought aloud.
She sighed, “I haven’t looked at it…Couldn’t bring myself to open the box.”
I frowned at her, “I’m sorry, Lo.”
“Is it wrong to take it?” she asked me oddly. “It wasn’t really ever given to me…”
I smiled at her, walking slowly across the room and seating myself next to her. With a bit of a tremble, I extended the box to her.
“I’m giving it to you,” I told her gently. “I may not be Jimmy but—”
“You’re the next best thing,” she smiled, slowly reaching out to take the box from me.
Her chest sunk at the sight of the stone. Her eyes were all weepy again.
“It’s beautiful,” she choked, holding a hand over her mouth.
I explained where it had come from and the story behind it’s look. She had smiled and laughed and rolled her eyes a little. Maybe this was all she ever needed—to know that what they’d had was real. That it was substantial. That is was in a different universe entirely from the love Jimmy and I shared.
And this ring was just that.
“Thank you,” she whispered, pulling the ring from the box and slipping it onto her finger.
I just shrugged at her.
“Are we going to be okay, Blair?” she asked me sadly. “I know that I’ve said—”
I raised a hand to stop her, “I don’t even want to get into it anymore. As long as you know the truth, I can move on from whatever was and wasn’t said.”
She nodded.
“Good,” I declared with a clap on my knees. “I’m starving.”
She laughed, wiping at her eyes quickly before climbing to her feet, “Let’s feed you.”

Notes

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