Through All the Dust

“Blair!” Marge was hollering at me from the bottom of the stairs. “For goodness sake, girl! Let’s go!”
I grumbled to myself cattily, hurriedly tossing things into a bag. With wild eyes, I glanced around the room for any last minute items I might be forgetting. My fingers found my necklaces and I sighed a bit of relief. I’d doubled down for the occasion, fearful I might forget one and live to regret it.
“Blair!” she screeched.
“I’m fucking coming!” I shouted back impatiently. “Give me a god damn minute!”
I could hear Marge laughing lightly with Lauren, who I’m sure I heard say ‘welcome to my life’. I’d beat her about it later. Deciding that I had everything I’d ever need (and then some), I slung the big bag over my shoulder and headed down the stairs.
“Finally,” Marge grumbled, reaching out to take my bag.
I fought her, guarding it with my shoulder, “Hey, no. You’re old. I got it.”
“Blair Peterson,” she warned with a threat hanging off her tongue. “If you call me old ever again, I swear I will beat you within an inch of your life.”
I smirked, “Yea, ma’am.”
“Good,” she nodded once. “Let’s go.”
“I see where you get it from,” Lauren giggled to me quietly.
“Girls!” Marge squealed from outside.
I stepped outside and pulled the front door firmly behind me. With a strange goodbye, I bid farewell to my home. The next time I saw it, I’d be a married woman. How wild was that.
My mind took me back to when we’d bought it…Everything was simpler then. Life was so fucking good back then. Jimmy was excited that it was fairly close to him. I was excited that it was gigantic. It made my tiny apartment look like a fucking shoebox. Brian was happy that it was big enough to throw a studio into. That had really come in handy over the past few years we’d lived there.
With a quick turn of the key, I was ready to head off to Malibu. I popped the trunk to the Camaro and slid my ridiculously heavy bag from my tired shoulder. The strap had dug into the bone and now I was paralyzed. I rubbed at it dramatically.
“You’re fine,” Lauren giggled knowingly.
I shook my head, “I’m going to lose my fucking arm.”
“Why are you so damn sweary today?” Marge asked me with a loud whine. “You’re supposed to be happy today!”
“I am,” I grinned. “I swear the most when I’m motherfucking happy, Marge.”
“Oh, Blair,” she laughed. “You’re going to put me into an early grave.”
While she didn’t technically need to wait for me, she’d insisted. Tom had carried on without her, taking it upon himself to drive Carolyn up to Malibu. Marge was adamant that she stay behind to make sure I got myself on the road in a timely fashion. She really was my mother.
Lauren had ditched Owen with Lily, who was probably already at the resort by now. I was notoriously slow in leaving for things—which almost always made me fashionably late. Fashionably…ridiculously…what the fuck ever.
“Okay,” Marge declared with a clap of her hands. “You girls will drive carefully. That means you, Blair.”
A smug grin spread across my face, “You get in one, little near-death accident and everyone freaks the fuck out until the end of time.”
“You have a mother in your car now,” she told me like it wasn’t obvious. “You have to be extra careful.”
I slung a protective arm around Lauren’s small shoulders, “Yeah, yeah.”
“Okay,” she said again, more definitely this time. “Let’s get on the road then.”
Marge climbed into her little rental car and with a quick wave, sped off. Lauren and I climbed into the Camaro—looking far more stylish than Marge’s Hyundai. We cranked the windows down, cranked Pinkly Smooth up, and pulled out from my driveway.
After about an hour of driving, officially marking our half-way point, I lit a cigarette. Lauren looked at me strangely and then asked me for one. I was so shocked we nearly swerved off the road. Not actually, but you know what I mean.
“You’re getting married in two days,” she told me matter-of-factly. “That calls for a cigarette. They’re your poison of choice, so hand one over! I’m in!”
I laughed, tossing her the pack carelessly, “You’re weird as fuck.”
“B,” she half-sighed, grabbing at my lighter. “Can I ask you a bad question?”
“A bad question?” I repeated strangely, giving her a curious glance. “Sure.”
She paused to choke on the cancer, “Jesus…”
My throat erupted with laughter. It was my favourite thing, to listen to non-smokers try and make it through their first few puffs. It was everlastingly satisfying.
“What’s your question?” I asked finally, calming my entertained chords.
“Are you happy?” she asked but quickly rebutted. “No, not happy. That isn’t what I mean…Are you…bummed?”
I tilted my head with a pesky smirk.
“I’m honestly just being curious,” she rushed. “So don’t answer if it’s going to upset you.”
“I don’t even know what you’re asking, Lo,” I grinned.
She huffed, “Are you sad…today…leading up to the wedding…because…”
“Because Ty and Jimmy aren’t here?” I finished for her understandingly.
She nodded with a grave curiosity.
Of course I was. Maybe sad was too heavy of a word. I’d surprised myself when I awoke in the morning feeling mostly fine. But they dangled at the ends of my heartstrings, as always, swaying like the pendulum of a clock. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t trying to callous my heart in anticipation for a fall…but I was, truthfully, mostly alright.
“Obviously I wish they were,” I finally spoke. “But…I’ve made the decision to just enjoy the next few days instead of getting worked up about who’s missing.”
She looked surprised, “Wow…That’s great, Blair.”
“Don’t commend me yet,” I laughed, flicking the ash from my cigarette out the window. “There’s nothing saying I won’t change my mind in an hour and collapse into a heap on the floor.”
“I’ll keep an eye out for that,” she smiled.
“Everything set for our genius plan?” I asked, keen to move onto a slightly less disheartening topic.
Lauren beamed from ear to ear, “Yep!”
“Good.”
“And my mom’s going to watch Owen after dinner,” Lauren thought aloud. “I’m going to get so drunk at your reception, B. It’s going to be a disaster.”
I smirked, “Just don’t get sloppy drunk. I don’t want sloppy, mournful drunks at my wedding. Unless it’s me…Then it’s fine.”
She giggled, “I will not get sloppy. It’ll be so nice to have a day off…It’s only been a month since he was born and I’m already exhausted.”
It had been exactly a month since my favourite little human made his way into the world. With each passing second, he looked more and more like his father. Lauren said it was haunting, but I thought it was perfect. Owen had sparked a conversation between Brian and I about whether or not we wanted children for ourselves. We’d decided that, in time, we would be parents—but for now, Owen was far more than enough to keep our hearts preoccupied. But still, the sentiment made me feel officially grown up.
I was a baby when I met Brian. The woman I was now, was….different. She was stronger. She was better, I thought. Maybe the endless grief had been good for my soul—like chicken soup but, you know, traumatic. Brian had certainly played a large role in my growth. He made me want to be better.
And Jimmy showed me how.
“If you need help, Lo,” I reminded her. “You just need to call. I’ll be there in a second.”
She smiled at me, “You’re already over every single day.”
“Pft,” I laughed, shrugging at her. “You need me to move in? I could move in. I’m sure Brian wouldn’t even notice.”
“No, no,” she waved at me. “You guys have been too good to me already. Without you guys and Matt, I don’t think I would have made it through this last month. I know that sounds over the top but I’m deadly serious.”
She used her stern voice as she tripped over the last few words of her confession. I just smiled.
“He’s been a godsend,” she told me with a wistful sigh.
“Matt’s a saint,” I nodded happily. “And I’d stab him if he didn’t come around at your beck and call.”
“It isn’t his responsibility,” she said strangely. “But it is appreciated.”
“We love Owen,” I informed her. “And we love you. It’s absolutely our responsibility.”
Her light eyes grew misty as she began to frantically fan her face with her hands. I rolled my eyes playfully at her outburst. She hadn’t quite outgrown the hormones yet and was still working herself up over the silliest things.
She had been hysterical a few days before because of a commercial. A fucking commercial. You know the ones about the animals that need rescue? Yeah. She caught one glance of a saddened golden retriever and she was inconsolable for an hour. No exaggeration required.
I fucking loved my best friend.
She moved herself off of the Owen topic.
“I can’t believe you’re getting married in two days,” she gushed dreamily, sinking into her seat a little. “It feels like yesterday that I was introduced to you and Bri. Now here we are…heading to your wedding.”
“At their release party,” I reminisced. “Right?”
She nodded happily, “Yeah! Jimmy and I weren’t even actually dating then…Isn’t that so weird?”
“So weird,” I mimicked playfully, really hamming up my valley girl accent for the occasion.
“It is weird,” she insisted, giving me a stern stare. “Everything is so different now. It isn’t all bad…but it’s super weird.”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “Time really fucking flies, huh?”
She nodded with her eyes wide, “I can’t keep up.”
It felt like only yesterday that this bright-eyed, light-haired beauty was introduced to me as Jimmy’s “friend, Lauren”. She’d told me she was a teacher and I’d basically decided then and there that I probably wouldn’t have to get to know her. I’d assumed Jimmy would get bored of her sweet nature and kick her to the curb before the month was out.
But he hadn’t.
And I was glad because if he had…I couldn’t even think of where my life would have gone. I would have been without her—which meant that when Jimmy inevitably passed away…
I would have been alone.
“Hey, Lo,” I said but it came out more like a troubled question.
“Yeah?” she hummed cheerfully.
I looked at her with nothing but adoration, completely and absolutely absolving her of all of her short comings and all of her faults. She was so beautiful and so wonderful, how could I not?
“I really love you,” I told her because I meant it.
She giggled at me, eying me up strangely, like she suspected I might be high or something. But I gave her nothing. Nothing but honesty—clarity. I needed her…and I needed her to know.
Finally, if not nervously, she smiled, “I really love you back.”
I found myself silently praying she wouldn’t succumb to the same fate that was unfortunately bestowed upon all of my best friends. She would just have to be the break in the link. Break the paradigm to save my heart from breaking.
I knew it in my very core, that girl was untouchable.

Notes

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