Through All the Dust

“Holy,” Lauren gasped as we circled the parking lot for the fifth time. “You’d think the Pope was getting married or something. Jeez.”
I couldn’t help but scoff, “She may as well be. Stupid bitch.”
“Blair!” Lauren scolded quickly. “You can’t talk about a bride like that on her wedding day. It’s unbecoming.”
“Unbecoming of what?” I smirked. “I promise you, I do not give a shit about Victoria or her feelings…besides, last time I checked, she’s not psychic. And she doesn’t have Vulcan hearing. Which means I can call her a stupid cunt any time I want.”
“Can you stop with the nerd references?” she giggled. “You’re so lame.”
I reached over to mess up her perfectly curled hair. She swatted me away immediately, giggling and smiling all the while.
“Oh! Right! Go right!” I shouted, pointing at the only vacant spot in the entire place.
She excited veered right and pulled the car into park. We both sat there for a minute, reluctant as all hell to go and watch Matt throw the best years of his life away. I hoped no one felt this way about Brian and my impending matrimonial conquest.
“Okay,” Lauren smiled at me. “Let’s go get this over with.”
“Hey, wait,” I rushed, grabbing her arm to stop her from vacating the vehicle.
She eyed me weirdly.
“I have to tell you something,” I grumbled. “I was going to put it off…Which I know you hate…But I’m a little nervous someone might mention it today and I don’t think you should hear it from anyone else—”
She laughed, “You’re babbling, B.”
I stopped myself, feeling more and more uncomfortable with each waking moment.
“I, uh…” I hesitated once her pretty eyes were on me. “Fuck, I don’t even want to say it.”
Her brows fell, “You’re making me nervous…Is it bad?”
“No…Kind of…I don’t know,” I sighed. “Gabe called last night.”
She nodded, her face grim with anticipation.
“I’m…leaving,” I told her slowly, as gently as I could. “In September.”
She frowned, “The tour?”
“Yeah,” I breathed. “I’ll be gone for six months…give or take.”
Her eyes widened and her bottom lip began to quiver. I couldn’t tell if she was upset because she loved me or if those pesky pregnancy hormones were currently behind the wheel. Either way, it was enough to really pull at my hardened heart strings.
“Okay,” she pouted. “I…We knew you’d have to go eventually…You are a famous pop star, after all.”
I smirked, “Don’t call me that.”
She reached out to take my hand into hers and she gave it a reassuring squeeze, “I’ve been spoiled the last few years. I’ve had you mostly to myself…So…It’s only fair that I share you sometimes, I guess.”
I tried to smile.
“I’m really going to miss you though,” she added sadly.
I nodded, “Me too.”
“You’ll miss so much…” she croaked, her eyes welling up with salt.
“I know…”
She took in a deep breath, shaking away her emotions, “It’s good, though. It’ll be good for you to get away, I think. And when you come back, you’ll have a ton of baby snuggles to look forward to.”
My lips curved upward a little, “I’m so excited to meet that little guy…I hate that I’ll have to leave you both so soon…”
“What about Brian?” she asked me curiously. “Have they decided one way or another about touring?”
“Not so much…I mean, they’ve had a ton of offers as soon as word got out about them recording…but Brian is torn, you know? He feels like he’s betraying Jimmy or something by even entertaining the idea of a tour.”
Lauren, in typical wonderful form, laughed, “Betraying him? I think it would be worse if they quit! Jimmy would be…He would hate to be responsible for the guys not playing together anymore. Should I talk to them?”
“They’ll figure it out,” I assured her, giving her hand a tight squeeze before letting it go. “We should get in there, though…Wouldn’t want to suffer the wrath of Queen Victoria.”
Lauren rolled her eyes, “Yeah…Except she hates that I’m even here. What was it she said? That I had no business around the guys anymore because—shoot, what did she say?”
“Because your connection was severed,” I finished for her with a groan.
“What a bitch,” we laughed in unison.
With one dedicated and reluctant sigh, we gave each other pointed nods and headed out. Flocks of humans were rushing into the building, only to be led down a long corridor and back outdoors. The view was breathtaking, I couldn’t downplay that at all. There were rows and rows of white chairs lined up for our viewing pleasure, a white archway at the very end.
“I hate that it’s beautiful,” Lauren whispered to me with a sly grin.
We took two seats nearest to the aisle, Lauren assisting me in tucking my crutches beneath our chairs and out of the way. She tossed her purse onto the seat beside her and my purse on the seat next to that. I looked at her questioningly.
“The Sullivans,” she told me. “They asked me to save them seats.”
I’d seen Joe and Barb exactly one time since Jimmy’s death. Brian had dragged me to dinner, because apparently I’d agreed to attend at some point. It was difficult to weather seeing them—Joe looked, and sounded, so much like Jimmy that it caused me physical pain to be near him. It was a loss, though. Before Jimmy died, we were at his parents’ house weekly for dinner. It was a nice tradition, and it was one that I always looked forward to.
But now it was different. Everything was so different.
We sat quietly as other guests piled in. Soon enough, one remarkably tall human stood at my side.
“Blair Peterson,” he smiled down at me. “As I live and breathe.”
I forced a smile, “Hey, Joe.”
He helped me to my feet so that he could wrap his long arms around me. I closed my eyes, taking the opportunity to imagine that Jimmy was holding me…like he’d always done. How I longed for one of his embraces—they had healing properties, I swear.
But it was a fantasy and it was one that couldn’t last forever. Soon Barb was grabbing at me, asking me questions about my leg and how I was doing with it all. I lied.
They grabbed the seats next to Lauren and promptly handed us back our bags. We made small talk about my album and then focused solely on Lauren’s big belly. Joe and Barb were absolutely enthused about the prospect of Lauren’s nearing due date.
“It’s like a piece of our son is coming back to us,” Barb smiled happily. “It’s wonderful.”
Lauren squirmed like a fish out of water. While I knew that she agreed, and part of that made her feel at ease, it also shook her. I took her hand into mine and laced my fingers with hers. She rested her head on my shoulder as the Sullivans continued talk about the baby.
But soon enough, all talk was cut short. The minister strolled up the aisle, planting his feet firmly in the soil beneath the archway. The music began and we all turned to watch as familiar faces made their way past us.
First was Johnny, followed closely by Zack. There was a stranger between them, whom I assumed belonged to the Sanders family but couldn’t be sure. And then my man rounded the corner. I watched as his eyes searched for me, his hands shaking a little as all attention fell on him. When he found me, a subconscious smile spread across his perfect face.
My heart fell into my shoes. God damn, he cleaned up well. Lauren squeezed my hand knowingly as I drooled over Mr. Gates. After all that time, I still just couldn’t get enough of him. Sometimes I’d see him as if for the first time—and he’d take my breath away. He winked at me as he passed me, and I fought the temptation to reach out and grab his tight ass. It was a seriously strong temptation. I should be commended for my restraint.
Matt joined them quickly, and they all looked nervous as they waited for the women’s arrival. As Johnny and Zack’s girlfriends ascended to the front, Lauren and I exchanged quick glances. When Brian told me that Victoria had asked them to be bridesmaids, I’d had to pretend not to be offended.
Don’t get me wrong. I was under no illusions that Victoria and I were close. She hated me just as much as I hated her, despite Matt’s constant pressure to bond us. We’d tried, and failed, more times than I could count. After a while, it became more trouble to get us together than it was worth and Matt had given up all together.
But she wasn’t exactly close with the other women, either. And, so, I couldn’t help but feel like it was some sort of dig at Lauren and I. I think she hated Lauren the most—which I couldn’t help but wonder if that meant she’d had a thing for Jimmy. She’d certainly desired his attention any time she could get it. Lauren had just laughed it off, firm in her understanding of her relationship and of Jimmy’s undying love for her.
I envied her surety. Even after years together, I’d still get insecure sometimes. Brian and I led wild lives, with other human beings constantly throwing themselves at us. Especially Brian. The girls sure loved him. He’d hardly given me reasons to doubt him, but I was human and thus, I was insecure.
“All rise.”
Lauren helped me to my feet, taking some of my weight as I struggled to stand on my broken leg. She was always supporting me without being asked.
Victoria made her way down the aisle in a gaudy as all hell dress. It was beaded as if she’d let a child with a bedazzle machine go to town. It flared out at the bottom and was not at all flattering. Lauren laughed under her breath, earning a seriously threatening glare from the bride. Lo stifled her amusement immediately. I was not so nice. I very obviously made a face to show my entertainment, and my disgust. I hoped the photographer caught Victoria’s classic eye roll. She must have been so glad we were in attendance.
The ceremony was long and dull. They exchanged classic, unoriginal vows and Victoria kept her composure throughout. Brian’s eyes were fixated on me, and eventually mine were on him. It would be our turn next.
The couple was announced and they skipped passed us all happily. My man followed them out and disappeared.
“That was a nice ceremony,” Barb smiled.
Lauren and I nodded like we agreed.
“I need a smoke,” I mused. “Do you guys mind if we catch you inside?”
“No, no,” Barb waved. “You go ahead. We’ll catch up with you both later.”
Lauren dug my crutches out for me, handing them to me so we could make our escape. Not that she needed to escape her, for all intents and purposes, in-laws. But I did. And Lauren understood. She was the only person I’d talked to about it—I knew Brian wouldn’t understand. For Brian, they were home. For me, they were a reminder of the home that had burnt to ash.
“Can we leave yet?” I laughed once we were in the designated smoking area and I had a cigarette tucked between my lips.
Lauren shook her head, “I should think not. But…her dress.”
“Oh, I know,” I grinned deviously, lighting my cigarette.
“I’ll be in trouble for laughing,” Lauren frowned. “I really didn’t mean to.”
“Never pegged you for catty,” I teased. “But meow.”
“Oh, shush,” she giggled. “Did no one tell her that her dress was unflattering? I feel kind of bad for her, honestly.”
I pointed a finger at my best friend, “Quit it. You shut that shit down.”
Lauren smiled, shaking her head at me.
We hung around, bored out of our skulls, for “cocktail hour”. I indulged, Lauren could not. So, she drank her virgin drinks and pretended to be happy to be there. I was half-cut by time we were finally called in for dinner.
Let me tell you, trying to crutch around while you’re half in the bag is feat within itself. It was probably hilarious to watch, but it was a struggle to execute. All the while, I maintained a tiny shred of dignity.
They’d sat Lauren and I together, at a table with people we did not know. They were friendly enough, but unfortunately they were all Victoria’s friends. That meant that there would be no shit talking. A red-headed woman stared at me with wild eyes.
“Hi,” I said to her with serious discomfort, sipping at my drink to keep from saying something stupid.
“You’re Blair Peterson,” she said stupidly.
I just nodded.
“Can you sign my napkin?” she asked excitedly. “I just love your music.”
It was sort of satisfying that Victoria’s friend dug me. I bet that really ground Victoria’s gears. I signed the dumb napkin reluctantly, hoping that would be the end of the celebrity gushing.
It was not.
However, it was dulled for a few minutes as the wedding party made their entrance into the elaborately decorated hall. Once they were seated, dinner was served. It wasn’t particularly good, so I pushed it around on my plate instead of eating it. I helped myself to the basket of bread, though.
“The soup’s good,” Lauren told me. “You should eat it. Or something. Please eat something.”
I laughed, rolling my eyes at her. With reluctance, I shoveled the leak soup into my mouth. It was even more deplorable than it had looked.
The couple shared their first dance, to a song that I knew Matt hadn’t chosen. They looked happy enough…so I tried to be less judgmental. But I really fucking hated her.
Everyone was invited to the dance floor, and soon enough Brian was at my table.
“Did she eat?” he asked Lauren, noting my slightly drunken glazed eyes.
She shook her head gravely, “I tried, Brian. I did.”
He laughed, holding his hand out to me, “Should we dance off the liquor?”
I frowned at him, gesturing down to my leg, “I’m good…but I’m not that good.”
He frowned back at me.
“However,” I chimed. “I bet Lauren and your god son would love to dance with you.”
Brian glanced over at Lauren and smiled, moving his hand from me to her. She was giddy as she took it and followed him onto the dancefloor. I watched them fondly as they moved slowly to the music. My heart was happy, watching Lauren laugh at Brian’s charm.
I took that opportunity to excuse myself; I needed to both pee and to smoke. My steps were slow, for obvious reasons. I cursed myself for downing so many cocktails.
When I finally made it to the bathroom, I collapsed onto the toilet. Even though I’d finished relieving my bladder, I couldn’t find the motivation to get back up. So, I sat for a minute.
And then the bathroom door flew open and the stall door next to me crashed shut.
“I can’t do this right now,” a voice snapped lowly.
My interest peaked. It had been a while since I’d seen some drama—you know, that didn’t involve myself. So, I made myself small and listened like the nosy bitch I truly was.
“I told you,” she hissed. “No, I can’t meet you. It’s my wedding, Greg.”
I looked around, as if I could magically make someone else appear to revel in this with me. I was confused and I was intrigued. But I was drunk, so I couldn’t throw down yet. Maybe I was mishearing, or misunderstanding something.
“I know,” she sighed. “I know…Please don’t say that to me right now. Not today.”
I leaned my body down to peer beneath the stall wall, to find as I suspected: a bunched up wedding dress and sparkly white shoes. My heart beat wildly in my chest.
“What do you mean you’re here?” she gasped. “Okay…Yeah, okay. Give me two minutes.”
There was a silence before she flew out from the bathroom. I was sure she didn’t know I was in there—which seemed a ridiculous oversight on her part. But maybe she did. Maybe that phone call was far more innocent than I thought.
The curiosity was enough of a motivator to get me off my ass and back onto my crutches. I moved outside and lit a smoke, no sight of Victoria anywhere. I dismissed it, moving myself further toward the side of the building and further from the door, cigarette dangling between my teeth.
But then I spotted her. In her stupidly fluffy dress, she was hard to miss under the best of circumstances. She had stuffed herself in a car, parked just up ahead. And boy was she friendly with the driver. Whoever it was, it sure as shit wasn’t Matt.
I strained my eyes to look closer, scolding myself for not making an eye appointment by then. It was clear to me then that I definitely needed glasses.
It lasted only a few minutes, and then she was ducking out from the vehicle, fixing her hair as she did. I stepped back, trying to hide myself in the bricks of the building. She stormed back inside, seemingly taking no notice of my presence. The car lingered.
So, naturally, I started to make my way over to it. I just hoped it didn’t drive away before I could get there.
It didn’t.
Once I was close enough, I tapped at the window. The man was startled and whipped around to face me. I waved awkwardly. There was an instant recognition on his face as he rolled down his window.
“Hi,” I said to him. “The parking lot’s full.”
He furrowed his brows at me, “Uh…yeah…Yeah, I know.”
I nodded oddly, glancing around, “Are you a friend of the bride?”
He looked confused. Which I guess made sense. It probably wasn’t common for him to have a famous stranger approach his window and make small talk about a wedding. One which I was sure he hadn’t been invited to.
He hesitated, “She, uh, yeah. She’s my…cousin.”
“Your cousin?” I asked curiously with my eyebrows raised. “That’s interesting.”
“I was running late,” he lied to me.
“Interesting,” I said again. “Do you kiss all of your cousins like that?”
He was stunned. If he recognized me, then surely he knew who I was. And if he knew who I was, then he knew who my boyfriend was. The game of relations could only continue from there. He panicked.
“I’m…I’m sorry,” he muttered before speeding off, nearly taking my foot with him.
That about confirmed it for me. My blood ran hot with rage as I made my way back inside, on a mission this time. I moved as quickly as my arms would take me, desperately wishing that I could use both my legs. This would have been the perfect opportunity for bipedalism.
But soon I was inside, Lauren and Brian were still on the dancefloor. Victoria was dragging Matt back out, the back of her head still a mess. As they started to move together, I stormed onto the floor, my eyes fixated on the cheating hooker that Matt had just promised his life to.
“Blair,” Lauren smiled at me. “Want to—”
I moved passed her, not daring to even look at her in case she’d break my focused rage. Once I was planted just behind Victoria, with Matt smiling at me, I gave her three taps on her shoulder.
She turned around curiously, but before she could even process who it was that called for her attention, I pushed my fist into her face as hard as I possibly could.
To my satisfaction, she went down. And she went down hard.
“Blair, what the fuck?” Matt gasped, staring at me with wild anger.
When she tried to get up, I hit her again. Harder, this time.
“Stay the fuck down,” I warned her with my angriest voice.
But she didn’t listen, and she started to climb back to her feet. Naturally, I attempted to hit her again. But no. The party was full of killjoys. Brian’s hands were wrapped around my arms, restraining me as he demanded to know what was wrong with me.
“How fucking coked out are you right now?” Matt snarled. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Fuck you!” Victoria screeched at me. “Have you lost your mind, Blair?”
I fought Brian to let me go, to no avail, as I snarled back, “Fuck you.”
“Blair!” Matt roared. “Jesus Christ!”
“Your friend is a psycho,” Victoria said to Matt, playing the role of victim before turning to me. “You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.”
“Do it, I dare you,” I scoffed. “I’ll crush you with my wallet, you insignificant cunt.”
“Brian,” Matt said, trying to be calm. “Get your girlfriend the fuck away from us.”
“Do you want to tell him? Or should I?” I asked Victoria pointedly as Brian was trying to pull me away.
Brian knew me better than to force it. If I was acting like a crazy person, it was for good reason. Though, I’m sure he was partly wondering if I’d reverted back to the cocaine life. But, like the good man he was, he loosened his grip on me.
“Tell who what?” Victoria asked me cockily. “Your boyfriend that you’re a psychopath? I’m sure he knows.”
“Tell your husband that you’re a cheating bitch,” I corrected her smugly.
Matt’s face fell and his eyes hardened. Victoria choked. She seized right up, unmoving and unspeaking. Matt’s attention turned to her in her silence.
“Toria?” he said slowly.
Her jaw was on the floor.
“She was literally just making out with someone in the parking lot,” I told Matt—and, effectively, everyone else around us.
“What?” Matt demanded. “Victoria?”
She swallowed hard, forcing herself to look at Matt, “It…It wasn’t what it looked like. It was a goodbye kiss! I swear, it will never happen again.”
Matt looked shattered. It’s a painful thing, to watch your friend’s heart break. I’d seen it with Lauren, and now I was witnessing it with Matt. My heart tore apart for him.
Brian let me go.
Victoria reached out to touch Matt, who slapped her hand away and took a step back.
“Get the fuck away from me,” he growled at her.
She was desperate, “Matt—”
“Get the fuck away from me!” he roared in her face. “I never want to see your fucking face again.”
He tore passed her, his steps quick and purposeful. She chased after him like an idiot. The rest of us stood there awkwardly as Maybe, I’m Amazed played through their demise. Lauren’s eyes were weepy, her hand over her chest.
“Fuck,” Brian grumbled, rubbing at his temples.
I sighed, “Sorry…”
“What are you sorry for?” he asked me seriously. “If I’d known…Fuck, I should have let you hit her a few more times.”
I laughed awkwardly, “So…Now what?”
Brian shrugged lazily, shaking his head, “I have no idea…Get people out of here, I guess.”
Lauren heard this and immediately snapped into action. She headed to the DJ and forcefully stole his microphone.
“Well…” she spoke into it hastily. “It’s probably safe to assume that this party’s over. So, friends of the bride, feel free to get the fuck out.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. It always thrilled me to hear Lauren cuss. It was such a rare occurrence that it always brought a little light to my otherwise deadened soul.
“Everyone clear out!” she called more sternly.
The crowds started to gather their things, their voices buzzing with confusion. The Avenged boys headed straight for Brian and I.
“What do we do?” they asked in a panic.
Brian shook his head, “I don’t fucking know.”
“You guys should go find him,” I told them. “Make sure he’s okay…Make sure he hasn’t murdered her.”
They nodded, immediately jogging off for the door.
Brian stared at me, at a total loss for words.
“I know,” I sighed.
“He can stay with us, right?” Brian asked lowly. “While he sorts this shit out?”
I nodded, “Of course he can. It’s not even a question.”
Brian nodded back, “I’m gonna go find him…Can you ride back with Lauren?”
“Yeah,” I assured him. “Go find our boy.”
Brian frowned once at me and then vanished from my sight. Lauren wrapped her hands around my arm, resting her chin on my shoulder.
“I don’t know how to feel right now,” she pouted.
I shook my head, “There’s nothing to say.”
“We should clean up,” she told me with a sigh. “Anything we can do, right?”
“Yeah,” I breathed, reliving the last five minutes over and over. “…Yeah.”

Notes

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