Just Before You Go

We walked for a while, heading out into the main streets and away from the isolated tour world established and maintained in parking lots. I wasn’t sure how to feel, so I kept my focus on the ground as we walked and tried to keep my spirits uplifted. He’d asked how I was and had mentioned how tired he’d become of driving. But then the conversation had fell apart.
“Here,” Jimmy said, nearly startling me as he broke the silence.
He pulled open the door to a coffee shop and waited for me to enter, following on my heels. I was instructed to order whatever I wanted, so I kept it simple with a black coffee. Once we had our cups, Jimmy led me to a table in the back corner. The whole thing felt far too comfortable; he was acting like nothing had happened.
“How’s the coffee?” he asked as I took my first sip.
I eyed him suspiciously, taking me time to answer as I set the cup down onto the table, “Awkward.”
He almost smiled, nodding knowingly but reluctantly.
“What are we doing here, Jimmy?” I asked impatiently.
“You said we should talk when I wasn’t high,” he said matter-of-factly. “So…Here I am.”
“I believe you said you wanted to talk,” I retorted, trying to project a certain confidence.
It was all a lie though. There was no confidence happening there—I was shaking in my shoes.
“Right…” he trailed off, adjusting the rims of his glasses. “It’s just that the whole thing is super…weird.”
My heart leapt a little. The nerves started rattling their chains.
“The whole thing,” I repeated slowly.
He nodded, spinning his cup in slow and small circles absent-mindedly, “Yeah…We’re broken up but you’re still around…Hanging with my friends and shit…It’s weird.”
Oh, I see. He brought me there and bought me coffee as a gentle way of telling me to hit the road. How sweet of him.
Where was the Jimmy I once knew?
“You’re saying I should leave?” I asked flatly.
His eyes widened, “No, no. That’s not what I’m getting at.”
“What are you getting at?”
He sighed, closing his eyes tightly and leaving that way for an exaggerated minute. When he reopened them, they were bluer than ever. I swear. I tried not to swoon.
“I think that we should be friends,” he said finally.
Friends? I think that was a worse blow than the initial breakup. It was the equivalent of being broken up with twice. It sure felt the same, anyway…I refused to work myself up though. I’d save that for later, in private.
“Friends,” I repeated blankly.
He half-smiled, “Look…I’m not going to pretend like I don’t miss you. Because of course I do…but…we have some real fucking problems. I don’t think we can fix them if we’re focused on just staying together.”
“Okay,” was all I could think to say.
“So, I just thought that maybe it would be better for everyone if we were friends.”
That word kept tangling me. Friends. I couldn’t quite wrap my head around it. How was it possible to be friends with someone you were still desperately in love with? How exactly was that supposed to work?
“So,” I started, working it out as I spoke, “that’s just it then? For us? We’re going to resolve to be friends and nothing more?”
He shrugged lazily, “I really don’t know. I just want you in my life…It’s dull without you. And, I mean…we have a better chance of working out our shit if we’re actually speaking.”
“You’re probably right,” I offered lamely.
Friends.
He reached across the table and placed his hands atop of mine, the touch sent tingles up my arms and down my spine. I loathed the way his touch made me feel, despite all of the things he’d done. He was my weakness.
“I do still love you,” he said lowly. “I can’t keep pretending like you don’t exist.”
My lip quivered.
“So…You’re either going to have to start existing or you need to disappear.”
Was he giving me an ultimatum? I’d never done well with ultimatums.
“It’s worth a try,” I finally agreed, pulling my hands back slowly.
“Good,” he declared. “So, we’ll be friends then.”
I nodded, unable to find the words to confirm it the way he just had. I wasn’t overly thrilled with the idea…but it was the lesser of two evils. The reality was that I wasn’t ready to abandon hope of mine and Jimmy’s reconciliation. And he had a point; we couldn’t work through our damage if we were constantly avoiding one another.
It would be nice to skip some drama for a while, too.
“We had a guest last night,” Jimmy told me with a grin, his tone immediately shifting.
His swing gave me whiplash. I guess he was committed to being friends and he was wasting no time getting into it.
“I heard,” I said quietly, trying to find my bearings.
He smiled, “I thought you’d be pleased.”
“Did they actually hook up?” I asked him because I thought he might know. “Or did she pass out in his bunk or something lame like that?”
“Oh, no, no,” he cackled. “I can assure you that they loudly got together. I guess hate fucking is passionate as fuck.”
I tried to hide my smile. I loved the way his lisp would cling onto certain words harder than others. It was adorable…I’d really missed it.
“Blair wouldn’t give me the details,” I told him.
Jimmy smirked, “She was wasted. I guess you’d have to be to sleep with Syn.”
I laughed quietly, still mindful of my openness with the man that had broken my heart. I couldn’t allow him to think I’d totally moved passed the heartbreak yet. It was still far too soon for that…After all, it still hurt to look at him.
“When they came crashing into the bus, I wanted to text you so bad,” Jimmy told me excited. “Could have made popcorn and shit.”
“What’re they going to do when Claire gets here?” I thought aloud.
Jimmy shrugged, “Brian’s problem. Probably shouldn’t have two women on the go if you don’t want to deal with that shit.”
“Fair point,” I nodded. “And you could have, by the way…Texted me.”
“I know,” he sighed. “But…I wasn’t sure how much you hated me. Especially after last night…”
I shook my head, taking it upon myself to take his hands into mine this time, “I don’t hate you…I’m hurt…But I don’t hate you.”
“I am sorry,” he said seriously, his blues burning into my saddened gaze.
I nodded, pulling my hands back.
“So,” I breathed. “When does Claire get here?”
“They’re going to pick her up from the airport at ten,” he told me simply. “Then we are on zee road.”
“Great,” I groaned. “Another nine hours of Haven bliss.”
“They treating you okay over there?” he asked. “I ask Blair about you sometimes…but she doesn’t give much up.”
Good ol’ Blair. I liked that she didn’t just keep herself guarded, but the people she cared about as well. It was an admirable quality.
“They’re great,” I assured him. “Everyone is super nice…Mostly, anyway. Justin’s a bit of a dick.”
Jimmy laughed, “He is. That’s what I like about him. It’s awesome.”
I rolled my eyes playfully.
“I’m glad they’re nice to you,” he said casually. “Some more than others.”
I narrowed my eyes at the little afterthought he’d stupidly verbalized.
He caught it right away and smiled, “You and Tyler seem close, that’s all I meant.”
“You and Blair seem close,” I retaliated smugly.
Jimmy sighed, assessing our innate ability to get right back into the thick of it without seeing it coming. I retracted my claws.
“We should get back,” Jimmy said then. “Lest they leave without us and leave us stranded forever.”
I wouldn’t mind being stranded with him.
“Sure,” I agreed, deciding it would be weirder to object.
I downed as much as the hot coffee as my stomach would allow. And then I followed Jimmy back out into the street. The wind had picked up, or I was feeling more sensitive than before…either way, I was cold. I pulled my arms across my chest in an effort to control my body heat.
“Cold?” Jimmy asked coyly.
I nodded, “I’ll be fine.”
“No,” he argued weirdly, immediately unzipping his sweater and pulling it from his shoulders. He held it out to me, “Here.”
Maybe he did still care.
“Thanks,” I smiled, pulling the black cloth over my shivering arms.
It smelled so much like him that I thought I might drown. It would be a good way to go, that was for sure.
“So, we’re okay, right?” he asked me giddily. “Or better, anyway?”
“Better…ish,” I replied cutely.
“I’ll take it,” he cheered.
We rounded the corner and I could see the buses. I was a little relieved to be free of this awkward conversation—but a little afraid things would fall back into the way they’d been the last two weeks. I decided to trust that Jimmy was willing to mend the frayed threads.
I desperately wanted to learn to trust him.
As we neared the entrance to the concrete prison yard, he stopped me. I looked from him to the crowd collecting outside his bus and then back again.
“What’s wrong?” I asked casually.
He reached out quickly, cupping my face in his hands and he pulled himself into me before I could realize what was happening. I let him press his lips to mine and I let him slip his tongue between them. His grip on my face tightened as I sighed into him.
God fucking damn it I’d missed that.
But then he stepped away, looking sorry as ever.
I was going to ask him why…but I wasn’t prepared for an honest answer, so I resisted the temptation.
“I hope this works out,” he told me finally. “I want…I want it to be better.”
I was glad he didn’t apologize for kissing me. My heart couldn’t have taken his regret.
“We’ll give friendship a try,” I conceded. “It can’t be any worse than where we’re at now…”
He forced a smile, “Yeah.”
I stepped off once more but his arm caught my wrist. He pulled me back into him, crashing his lips to mine with a hunger I hadn’t felt since we’d met. I let my fingers lace themselves into his black hair, holding him close to me. His hands wandered to the small of my back, the touch of his fingers made me weak.
He pulled away from me slowly, sliding his hands up my arms until he had my hands in his. He held them against his chest and pushed his forehead to mine.
“You know,” he sighed quietly. “I love you so much sometimes that it hurts.”
Why did he have to play me like a fiddle? Nothing with Jimmy could ever be simple. I was emotionally spent.
“Why does it have to be so fucked?” he grumbled.
“We’ll fix it,” I assured him without any certainty. “In time, right?”
Wasn’t time the magic ingredient for everything? It was the magical and elusive cure that everyone was always raving about. I hadn’t sampled its effects yet.
“Maybe,” he breathed, splitting himself from me again.
We walked back in silence, careful not to disrupt whatever we’d concocted between us. There was a sliver of comfort in it.
Jimmy was about to take a slight left, which would take him through his friends and into his bus. My path was laid out before me, Blair Peterson and Tyler already outside, visible from where I was.
He looked over at me but had visibly decided against whatever it was he was going to say. So I spoke.
“Jimmy,” I said but it came out more desperate than I’d meant.
His blue eyes found mine curiously.
“I love you, too,” I told him in case I never had the chance again.
He smiled, nodded, and then left. I watched as his lanky ass melded into his family. Brian waved sheepishly as I passed. I waved back, suddenly less ashamed of my presence on this tour.
It wasn’t a reconciliation…but it was something. And for the first time in weeks, my stomach wasn’t in my throat. It was the little things.

Notes

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