Just Before You Go

The morning had left me winded and absolutely diminished. Tyler had acted as a good distraction for a while. We’d watched some gang-related movie—they were all the same to me—to pass the time until the bus lurched into movement. Once we were on the move and I knew I was safe from another Jimmy ambush for a while, I receded to my bunk and forced myself to sleep.
When I woke, the bus was quiet. It wasn’t abnormal. Haven was such a far cry from Avenged. They mostly kept to themselves; there was no unbreakable bond to be found. Blair and Tyler were the exception, but they felt more like the Blair and Tyler show than members of a band.
I tip-toed to the front and was shocked to find Blair alone. She was cross-legged on the couch, scribbling into a journal with her eyes focused and determined. I felt bad disturbing her, so I tried my best to be quiet as I fetched a bottle of water from the mini fridge. The sound alerted her to an intruder.
“Oh, hey,” she said plainly, glancing at me quickly and then back down to her lap.
“Hey,” I replied, unsure if her greeting was an invitation or a formality.
I decided she looked busy, so I walked back to my bunk to grab my book and then I returned, silent in my movement as I slid into the table. Blair didn’t seem to notice my presence in the room at all. If only I had the conviction to focus on only my own business. I imagined it would make for a happier existence.
Not that Blair struck me as a particularly happy person.
She was similar to Brian in her resilience to outside judgement. Not only was it hard to pass a judgement of them, they simply didn’t care whether you were judging them or not. I cared entirely too much. All I thought of was the way things could twist into tragedy—and to add salt to the wound, it kept me from keeping solace and security. My brain was the worst.
I couldn’t help but to continuously take note of her. A brush of her hair, a cringe or a scowl…she was so damn intriguing. But then I felt a bit more like a stalker than a roomie, so I consciously tried to force myself to read. And then Jimmy’s face popped into my mind…the feel of his lips still burned into my own. It was a feeling I hoped to never wash away, not even with time.
Accidentally, I sighed. And it was loud.
Blair very slowly tilted her gaze upward to look at me, as if to ask, ‘what the fuck’. I smiled back at her, hoping she’d write it off as nothing. But apparently, I’d distracted her enough that she forfeited her activity. She groaned a little, running her hand through her black hair.
“What’re you working on?” I asked curiously.
She studied me for a second, like she couldn’t believe that I’d not only interrupted her but was now trying to make casual conversation about it. She moved on quickly enough.
“Lyrics,” she said simply.
“Oh! You’re writing a song?”
I know it was lame but I was thrilled. I’d never actually seen anyone create anything. Sure, I’d seen the aftermath of musical notes scribbled onto a page—but I’d never played witness to the process that went into creativity. Blair made it look almost effortless.
“Oh, who knows,” she mumbled, abruptly slamming the book closed.
“Is it not going well?” I asked slowly. “Or did I totally ruin it…”
She shrugged, tossing it to the side, “Both.”
Her mood has substantially decreased since the morning. She was unpredictable that way, and it probably had a lot to do with her complete and total refusal to communicate any of her thoughts with the living world. Tyler was the only one with the key to Blair’s skeleton, the rest of us were offered only the shell she wished for you to see.
I wasn’t sure what to say…I felt bad.
“I’m going to nap,” she told me. “I feel like I’m going to fucking die at any second.”
I just nodded, watching her closely as she abandoned our shared space and disappeared behind the black curtain of her bunk. But she’d forgotten her notebook. Oh, the curiosity…
But I knew I shouldn’t.
So, I read another chapter—pausing only to glance up every now and again to ensure that Blair’s brain was still sitting on the side table. Once I was sure she wasn’t coming back, and was likely in a deep pit of hung over slumber, I snuck over to the book and snatched it up. I brought it back to the table with me, running my fingers over the cover hesitantly.
I knew I shouldn’t…
It was the girl crush that made me do it. I swear. I was possessed by a crazy person. Maybe Jimmy was right. Maybe he’d actually dodged a bullet by ripping my still beating heart from my chest.
Most of the pages only had a couple of words jotted down onto them, and a ton of scribbles. A few doodles. I don’t know why it satisfied me so seriously to see that someone as intelligent and collected as Blair Peterson still could succumb to the pull of a good doodle. She was a terrible artist.
I let the seasons change my mind.
I ran my fingers across her messy cursive, permanently blotted in black ink. It ran a little, smudged at the end of her sentence.
I flipped the page.
In my darkest hours, I stumble on a secret power. I’ll find a way to be without you.
This one got me. It got me deep. I wasn’t sure who it was about, but it filled me with an understanding sorrow. I could only assume it was written about Tyler. She’d never really talked about her feelings about Tyler’s demons…But I knew it had to weigh on her. She was so protective of him—jumping at his every beck and call.
I couldn’t imagine what it must have been like to be constantly on the edge of losing your best friend to the crashing waves below. She was a saint, that Blair Peterson.
There were some other lines and words jostled around the page, but they were completely illegible. It was frustration if ever I’d seen it.
Says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm. Says it was poison.
Intriguing.
They’re going to watch me disappear into the Sun.
This experience had only made me sad for her. I wasn’t sure what I’d expected to find, but it wasn’t a soul. I was pleasantly surprised.
And then I came to the last page, the others below still unmarked and unscathed.
Watch me fall for you, my lonesome doom. Hide my heart where all dreams are entombed… All dreams are of you.
Oh, my fluttering heart.
Don’t lose yourself in this suffering…yet.
This page was full, top to bottom, of Blair’s deepest thoughts. I could only speculate where they’d originated from but I was hanging off each letter of each word. This was the good stuff. And damn, girl. What a dark mind.
I unlit the light to embrace the dark. To be near but not to turn into you, my darling. Forever we’re lost in our souls’ storm, reflections of each other’s faults.
I re-read the words over and over until I was sure that they were memorized. A loud thump nearly made my heart jump from my body. I froze in the silence, terrified I’d be discovered at any second. When nothing followed up the break in silence, I went back to the darkness.
Love keeps talking to despair and goes on. Sleepwalking past hope. All is lost in this war and all we can do is to wail and weep to the saddest song…
Sleepwalking past hope.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Blair’s voice sounded loudly just behind my left ear.
I died.
She snatched the book from my dead hands, looking both horrified and enraged by what I’d done. I felt immediately foolish. I’d way overstepped my bounds.
“Blair,” I tried feebly.
She was shaking, gripping the notebook to her chest with one hand, the other clenched into a fest. I was pretty sure she was getting ready to knock me out. I guess I would have deserved it.
“Did your parents never teach you fucking boundaries?” she hissed, her angry eyes boring into the cracks in my character.
“I’m so sorry,” I rushed, my hands up in defence.
She was seething, “If you touch my shit ever again, Aria, I swear to god I will break your fucking fingers off of your hands.”
“Okay,” I agreed pathetically. “I’m so, so sorry.”
With a shake of her head, she disappeared once more. In her place came a concerned and confused Tyler. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him what grossly juvenile thing I’d done. I was basically like a brother reading his sister’s diary…and I’d been busted. Here comes Mom to ground me.
He pointed in the direction Blair had stormed off in, “Did I just hear Blair threaten to break your fingers?”
I nodded in humiliation.
“Why?” he asked slowly, half-amused.
I didn’t want to tell him.
“What did you do?”
“I read her notebook,” I told him with a red face and a guilty heart. “Her songbook…whatever.”
“No,” Tyler gasped. “And she caught you?”
I nodded again.
“Rookie mistake,” Tyler said quietly with a grin.
“It isn’t funny,” I frowned. “She’s really mad.”
He waved me off, “She’ll get over it. She’s probably just embarrassed—she’s a private person in case you hadn’t noticed.”
Of course I’d noticed.
“Why would you read it?” he asked me curiously, sinking into the seat across from me. “I read it to poach lyrics when I get stuck. But you…What’s the motive?”
I shrugged a little, “Curiosity.”
“There’s nothing interesting in there,” he laughed.
“Yes there is!” I argued excitedly. “Her mind is fascinating. She’s even more incredible than I’d thought.”
He smirked slyly, “You have a little crush, huh?”
I finally let out a laugh, easing the tension in my neck ever so slightly, “Yes.”
“She’s not worth it,” he chuckled. “She’s a piece of work, my Blair. She’d only break your heart.”
“I think it’s too late for that,” I replied glumly.
Tyler frowned sympathetically. A silence fell over us.
“Word to the wise,” he finally spoke. “Stay out of her way for a while. She’ll forget about it in a bit…but…you know, don’t draw attention to yourself.”
I stifled an embarrassed laugh, “No problem there. I’ll be avoiding her until the end of time now…I can’t believe I did that.”
“Well, you did,” he snickered. “And since you did…Tell me what you found. I’m in the market for some new lyrics.”
“I can’t,” I objected. “She’s already really mad—I don’t want to make it worse.”
Tyler smiled widely, “Good answer.”
Did I just pass a test I didn’t know I was taking? Like I said, the Blair and Tyler show.
“I’m going to go back to bed,” I thought aloud, feeling somehow betrayed.
I know it was ridiculous given that I’d just blatantly betrayed Blair’s right to privacy. And her trust. That was a ghoul I’d have to work through for the next while…What was wrong with me? Seriously.
Tyler nodded, saying nothing and making no effort to stop me.
I didn’t actually sleep, but I stayed tucked in that bunk for the next six hours until the bus finally stopped. Even then, I waited until I was sure Blair had departed.
I wasn’t sure how I’d ever face her again. I’d successfully chased off two people I admired in less than a month. Good going, Aria. It was then that I was sure Jimmy was right. I was a crazy person.
If it was the last thing I did, I was going to reign in that sanity. And I was going to stay the fuck out of Blair Peterson’s way.
I should have just gone home.

Notes

God dammit, Aria.

xx