Just Before You Go

I hid out in the bunk for the rest of the afternoon. I’d taken it upon myself to not do any self-reflection at all, but rather to simply sleep away my frustrations. While it would have been easier to assume all responsibility for the rocky place Jimmy and I had found ourselves in, I simply wasn’t ready to take on that much heat.
When I awoke to silence, I was sure that they were still at sound check.
3:45
It was awfully late to still be doing checks. I decided it didn’t matter. I was still far too anxious to face Jimmy—and way too embarrassed to see anyone else. After all, we were touring with his best friends. There was no way he hadn’t told everyone what was going on, whether it was simply to vent, or because he needed guidance. Maybe I’d just have to hide in the bunk forever.
A trade…Is that really what Jimmy viewed it as? Maybe my life didn’t seem like much to him, but what it was…was mine. It wasn’t dictated or controlled by anyone, for the first time ever. I’d broken free of people trying to tell me what to do—only to fall into the midst of a relationship that would always be pulling the strings. I was nothing but a puppet. I wasn’t sure if I could grow into the strings or not.
Jimmy seemed to forget all of the things he’d put me through. Hiding his drug afflictions, disappearing for days at a time, the constant lies and vague explanations, being hospitalized…But he’d never given me a reason not to trust him, right? Was he really that far into denial? Or had I really tipped the scales so far that he figured his mishaps no longer counted?
There was no denying that I loved him. That much was true…And I’d thought that by abandoning my foundations, I’d find that I’d inherited much more value than I’d ever had before. I guess it made sense that I was disappointed—after all, so far all I’d seen was the merch booth and Jimmy absolutely annihilated on cocaine. Oh, and his friendship with Blair blossoming into something that made me uneasy.
What had I gotten so far? A restless night, an uncomfortable job, and a friendship with someone that was not my boyfriend. But that was harmless, right? It was friendly and innocent. So, why then, could I not look at Blair and Jimmy in the same light? Was Jimmy right? Was I projecting something onto him that I hadn’t even realized I was feeling?
I buried my face into the pillow with a groan. This is why I hadn’t wanted to start delving into it. I was terrified that I might find myself to be a terrible person…and an even worse girlfriend.
Maybe I was just doomed to have failed relationships. Maybe that was my lot in life. Maybe I was meant to meet Jimmy, to follow him on this tour, if only to discover that it wasn’t what I wanted.
But wasn’t it? What was life back home without him?
It occurred to me that I’d never be able to work all of these things out on my own. It was too difficult to dig into the inner workings of my obviously messed up mind when all I had to rely on was a monologue.
So, I pushed myself out of Jimmy’s bunk and fixed myself quickly in the mirror. I stepped out of the bus to find everyone huddled around outside of Haven’s bus. I was beyond annoyed to find Blair Peterson sitting in my boyfriend’s lap. Just friends, huh?
Brian was leaned against Matt’s shoulder, a cigarette in his free hand. Tyler was massaging Blair’s shoulders—it all felt very grotesque to me. And I couldn’t help but notice just how on the outside I was…and how no one else had seemed to notice.
“Morning, sunshine,” Johnny smiled at me once I was beside him.
Jimmy looked at me with a bit of a growl behind those perfect blue eyes. Blair made a move to get up but Jimmy grabbed at her arm. She looked at me strangely, as if to console my suspicions without a word. I wasn’t in the mood. And apparently neither was Jimmy.
Part of me had expected him to lunge at me, like he always did. But instead, he dismissed my presence immediately, returning to his conversation without me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cause a scene and scream at him. But maybe I had to take responsibility. Maybe things were worse than I’d thought—and maybe I’d pushed Jimmy further away from me than I’d imagined.
I wasn’t sure what to do, so I decided it best to leave. Not like I knew where to go—or where I was, really. I gave Jimmy one last sad glance, but he only glared in response. With my heart broken into pieces, I left the group without a word.
I’d made it around the corner of the bus, so that no one could see me as I broke apart. Footsteps neared behind me, and I feared they belonged to Jimmy. I wasn’t mentally prepared for the questions and the concerns that had suddenly brewed.
“Aria,” Brian called sympathetically.
My feet stopped, waiting for Brian to catch up. He put a hand on my shoulder when he reached me, repeating my name with understanding.
I burst into tears, wiping at them frantically as if that would make them stop.
“What the fuck is going on?” Brian asked me desperately.
“Like you don’t know,” I retorted through my weeping.
He shook his head at me, lowering himself to eye level, “I don’t.”
“Jimmy hates me,” I sobbed. “He hates me, Brian. He hates me.”
“No he doesn’t,” Brian argued, taking hold of both of my shoulders now. “What are you talking about?”
I was trying to get myself together but was having little luck. All I could think of were Jimmy’s angry eyes and the sight of Blair Peterson atop his knee. I hated it. I hated the way it made me feel.
“Brian,” I finally spoke again, taking deep breaths. “Tell me the truth. Is he messing around with Blair?”
Brian looked genuinely stunned by my question. His eyes narrowed to focus on my jealousy before he shook his head.
“No.”
“She was in his god damn lap,” I trembled.
Brian sighed, moving his head from side to side, “Jimmy is…touchy. He’s always been that way.”
I didn’t really want to hear it. Something inside of me just needed to be told that I wasn’t crazy.
But maybe I was.
“Here’s the thing,” Brian tried to smile. “Jimmy loves you. That’s obvious. But…”
“But?”
He rubbed at my arm, “There’s a reason Jimmy doesn’t really…date.”
“And what’s that?” I pouted, rubbing at my weepy eyes.
He looked around nervously before smiling sympathetically, “Let’s get out of here, okay? We can go somewhere and talk.”
I agreed quickly, allowing Brian to usher me further and further away from the buses. We walked in silence until Brian finally led me into some greenery. I watched my feet as we walked, not daring to look up until Brian was practically shoving me onto a bench. There, we sat quietly. I wasn’t sure what to say…what to tell him. I wasn’t sure how much he already knew.
“What’s going on, Aria?” he finally asked, a cigarette dangling from his lips.
I just shrugged.
“No, fuck that,” Brian argued with me. “Jimmy’s been sulking all god damn day and you’re hiding behind our bus bawling your eyes out. That hardly warrants a shrugged response.”
“I’m not sure what to say.”
“Start at the beginning,” he instructed me, lighting his cigarette with his right hand. “I can only assume this has something to do with Blair.”
I sighed loudly, “Yes and no.”
“They’re not fucking,” he told me instinctively. “That much I know.”
“I know,” I nodded absently. “Or…I don’t know…but I should know that…”
Brian looked at me expectantly.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Brian,” I confessed sadly, watching as two children chased each other around with large sticks. “It’s all messed up.”
He frowned.
“It started before we left…back when we were in LA,” I told him, unnerved as the feeling in my hands slipped away. “We got into this big fight about our future…About what our life together would mean for my life independently.”
“Jim mentioned you were freaked out about never getting married,” Brian told me carefully.
“That’s definitely part of it…I’m just really, really confused. He says he doesn’t want to get married, but then he springs it on me before we leave that we should move in together.”
“What’d you say?” Brian asked curiously, breathing the smoke out through his nose.
I shrugged, “I didn’t really say anything…I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”
“Why not?” Brian was puzzled. “You guys love each other. If that isn’t the end goal, then what is?”
I hesitated, trying to get my thoughts in order.
I’d wanted a dialogue, but Brian wasn’t exactly the audience I’d have chosen to vent out my complications to. Though, I was surprisingly impressed by his ability to listen…This was the Brian I wanted to get to know. This was the Brian I could build a friendship with.
“We fight,” I said slowly, eying Brian for reaction. “…A lot.”
“I noticed,” Brian smirked cheekily. “But fighting isn’t all bad. It’s healthy.”
“Not when it’s constant,” I groaned. “And not when it’s about real problems.”
“You’re jealous,” he stated matter-of-factly.
“Yes…But it’s not even really about Blair.”
I was jealous of the control Jimmy had over his life. I was jealous of the way Jimmy depended on substances so carelessly—I’d never been able to trust anything the way Jimmy trusted his addiction. He was playing with fire and as much as I tried to hold him back from being burned, he loved them more than he loved me. It was the truth—the truth I’d been trying my best to avoid admitting. The truth he couldn’t hide from me.
And I was jealous of his conviction.
“He lies to me,” I said oddly. “And he knows that it hurts me…but he does it anyway.”
Brian knew what I meant without acknowledging me at all.
“We want different things,” I continued. “I want a stable life…I want to be my own person. I don’t think I want to have my life revolve around someone else.”
“Who says that’s what you’re doing?” Brian asked suspiciously. “You girls are all the same.”
I stared at him.
He laughed, “Claire and I had the same fight. When I asked her to come on the tour, she flat out refused. She told me that it was my life, not hers.”
“Exactly!”
“I just don’t see it that way,” Brian shrugged, flicking the ash from his cigarette. “It’s an opportunity, despite the intentions behind it. You’re going to spend the next several months travelling. How many people get to do that? Seriously. You can make connections and experience a world that others could only dream about. When I asked Claire to come, it wasn’t because I thought her life was so disposable that it was worth leaving…I just thought she might want a chance to do something new. And I know, for a fact, that Jimmy had the same thought process.”
Brian sounded just like Blair Peterson. And just like Jimmy. So why did it take Jimmy’s best friend saying it for it to have any sort of effect on me? Was I really just that stubborn?
“Is that why she agreed to come out for some of it?” I asked Brian curiously.
He laughed with a scoff, “Nope.”
I looked at him curiously.
He smirked at me, “She’s a jealous girl, too.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well,” Brian snickered, “she didn’t agree to come until the night she met Blair.”
Fucking Blair Peterson. Obviously I wasn’t the only one enthralled by her—and entirely put off by her simultaneously.
“I pretended not to notice the timing,” he grinned. “But you women are all the same.”
I pretended not to be offended.
“Can I tell you something?” Brian asked weirdly, crushing his cigarette under his foot.
I shrugged.
“Blair isn’t out to steal Jimmy away from you,” he told me seriously. “I’ve been around them when you’re not there and it’s…It’s no different than when he hangs out with me. You don’t have anything to worry about.”
“And what about Claire?” I asked deviously. “Does she have anything to worry about?”
Brian just laughed.
“Oh, come on,” I insisted. “I’m being honest with you. You can’t be honest with me?”
He met my gaze reluctantly.
“Does she have anything to worry about?” I repeated.
Brian shrugged lazily, a glint of mischief in his brown eyes, “We’ll see.”
His response amused me, but it didn’t lighten the load on my shoulders by any means. I figured I could trust Brian as far as Jimmy went—but it didn’t change the facts. I’d been acting like a psycho, and Jimmy had been acting like an addict. We’d pissed each other off and now…Now things were bad.
“I don’t know how to fix this,” I told Brian solemnly.
He nodded, “You can start by talking it out. I know Jim can be really fucking stubborn…but…well, you know. He’s the warmest fucking guy around.”
“I know.”
“But,” he paused, looking away from me. “At the same time…If you guys don’t want the same things…That’s important too. There’s no sense having the same fight over and over again if it’s always going to be the same result.”
I didn’t want to hear that. It was the same inner turmoil that had been screeching in my ear since I’d met Jimmy. We would always have the same fights—I would never fully trust him.
And that was it. That was the moment I had my epiphany.
Jimmy was right. I didn’t trust him. I didn’t trust him at all.
I’d been so hell bent on excusing his behavior in the past, that I’d never actually processed it at all. I’d never had the fight with him that I should have had. So, instead, we’d been fighting about all the wrong things; all of the things that were birthed from my distrust.
“Brian?” I managed from deep within my own form of hell.
He looked over to me, “Yeah?”
“Is Jimmy still using drugs?” I asked slowly. “Like…Using drugs?”
He didn’t want to answer, that was clear. He shifted uncomfortably as his mind mulled over the million excuses and cover-ups that he’d concocted in the past. That was friendship, just not mine.
“That’s my answer,” I seethed when Brian still hadn’t given me anything to work with.
And that, I knew, was where I’d have to start.

Notes

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