Just Before You Go

Brian and I had lingered alone for a while longer. He’d told me all about the way Jimmy grew up and the choices that his best friend had made. He explained how Jimmy had gotten himself into his mess in the first place…and his theories about why Jimmy hadn’t quite pulled himself out.
“He doesn’t consider himself a drug addict,” Brian had told me. “Doesn’t deny being an alcoholic, though.”
Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? So where would that leave my love then? Maybe he didn’t want to get better because he didn’t see himself as doing anything wrong.
After we’d realized what time it was, we’d hurried back to the venue. There was no one crowded around the Haven bus this time. Brian had jogged off to the building and I’d decided to change before reporting for duty inside. Maybe it would be a nice distraction to get behind the merchandise booth again.
But I was caught totally off guard when I boarded and found Jimmy rummaging through his bag. He looked over at me happily, his expression changing the second he realized it was me.
“Hey,” I said coolly.
He didn’t respond.
“I know that you have to get inside,” I rushed, trying not to sound as panicked as I felt. “But I think we need to talk—”
“No,” Jimmy said, his back still turned to me. “We don’t.”
“Jimmy, we can’t—”
“Aria,” he snapped, whipping around to face me. “Stop.”
I’d expected some ice from him but I hadn’t anticipated being totally frozen out. My heart shut down.
“I can’t do this right now,” he told me firmly. “I have a job to do and I don’t need you getting all in my head right before I go on.”
“I wasn’t trying to—”
He took a deep breath before cutting me off, “Did you have a good time with Brian?”
“What?”
“I had all day to chat with you,” he noted angrily. “But you spent that time with Brian.”
“And you spent your day with Blair,” I retorted smugly.
“I can’t do this,” he decided loudly, pushing himself passed me and out the door.
I stood there, frozen in confusion and in pain. Anxiety stapled my feet to the floor and I wasn’t sure what to do. Was I supposed to stroll inside and act like nothing was happening? Was I supposed to sell their clothing, unsure of whether or not I was still even connected to the band? Was I supposed to chase after Jimmy and demand he give me the time of day?
None of these questions had answers, and so…I just stood.
It must have taken twenty minutes before my brain reactivated itself. I set myself on autopilot as I changed into a clean shirt and ran a brush through my hair. As I made my way inside, I was sure to keep my head down and my thoughts quiet.
No one came to see me. No one came out to socialize like they had the night before. Instead, I was alone at the table with nothing but my worries.
When Avenged closed out their set and the crowd went wild, I began the task of boxing everything up. It was tedious and exhausting but it was my burden. I wondered how much longer I’d have this job. If Jimmy cut me loose, then what? Would I go home? I guess I would have had to…There would have been nowhere else to go. But then what? I wouldn’t see him for eight months? There would be no reconciling after eight long months apart.
It was now or never.
And despite all of our troubles and our problems, I just wasn’t ready to let him go. I couldn’t give up the fight so soon—even though it probably would have been easier to. I wanted to fight it out, I wanted to kick and scream. But I needed Jimmy to want to fight, too…and it seemed as though he’d tapped out.
By time I’d finished packing everything up, the venue was eerily silent. I took my time venturing out, unsure of what was waiting for me. The night air was chilly and was made only more uncomfortable by the line of buses with their lights on, rearing to get on the road.
The Berrys rushed by me, I assumed to continue collecting Avenged’s things from inside, including all of the merchandise I’d so meticulously packed away.
I took my time walking to the buses, privy and attentive to the groups of people staggered around them. I spotted Jimmy right away, it was easy considering he was at least a head taller than everyone else. But I was saddened to find him energetic and alive, prancing around his friends like his relationship wasn’t currently on the line. Maybe, to him, it wasn’t.
But he shut down once I’d integrated into the crowd. Johnny swung his arm around me, demanding to know how much money I’d made them. I couldn’t bring myself to speak—so I silently excused myself and headed onto the bus. I went straight for the bunks but Jimmy was hot on my tail.
“That was rude,” he told me.
I sighed, not daring to look back at him, “I’ll apologize later.”
“Where are you going?”
I looked at him only once I’d made it the bunk. It pained me to realize that I still adored him so much, even when he was burning holes in my soul with the world’s angriest gaze.
“To bed,” was all I could think to say.
“Not my bed, you’re not,” he informed me.
I could feel the tears building up like a waterfall behind a dam. The hostility in his voice was nearly enough to break me down completely.
“O…kay…” I managed weakly.
“I just think,” he started but stopped. “I don’t know.”
“What?” I pushed. “What do you think?”
He looked at me long and hard before speaking, “I think that this isn’t working.”
The words ripped me in two.
“Please don’t cry,” Jimmy frowned as I burst into tears.
“What would you rather I do, Jimmy?” I demanded.
He sighed, reaching out and taking my hand into his. I let him pull me into the back and I collapsed onto the couch as he pulled the pocket door closed. He was hesitant to sit with me at first, but eventually conceded.
“You wanted to talk,” he said flatly. “So, talk.”
It’s impossible to voice your inner thoughts when you’re put on the spot like that. Proven fact. Why would you want to start a conversation when the other side is so obviously detached before it’s even begun? But if I didn’t say something, that would be the end of it. I wasn’t sure what to do.
“I’m sorry if you’re angry I was with Brian,” I started, hiccupping over every second word.
He shook his head at me, “It isn’t about Brian.”
“I just…We were talking…I guess I was trying to understand you,” I pleaded.
“You will never understand me,” he told me. “You can’t. It isn’t your fault…It just is what it is.”
“Maybe not,” I replied, trying to find composure. “But I’m trying to understand myself.”
He rolled his eyes, “How progressive.”
“I’m still really mad at you,” I said like it mattered. “I’m still really…hurt…by everything you’ve done.”
“Aria, you said that—”
“I know what I said,” I interrupted angrily. “But I think it was premature to forgive you…Because I don’t.”
He blinked at me.
“You have hid a big part of your life from me since the day we met,” I explained sadly. “You’ve lied to me about it and you’ve nearly died because of it. I know that I said it was okay and that I was willing to let it go…But…”
“But?” Jimmy asked.
“But now I can’t trust you.”
He looked away from me.
“You said yesterday that you’d never given me a reason not to,” I told him with a shaky voice. “But that isn’t true and you know it. It isn’t fair to me that you brush what you’ve done under the rug but hang me for the things I’m doing…There is a difference, Jimmy. I’m not doing them on purpose. You made a choice—Hell, you’re continuing to make that choice.”
“It’s part of who I am, I guess,” he shrugged at me. “I like to party. I don’t want to give that up.”
“Then why would you tell me that you would?” I demanded weepily.
He looked suddenly very guilty. All of the anger that had been scrawled across his face was now absolved into the same pain riding my expression.
“I thought that I could be a better person for you,” he told me after a few minutes of tense silence. “But…I don’t want to change who I am. If I’m not enough for you, then I’m not enough.”
“I don’t want to change either,” I replied slowly. “I like who I am…Mostly, anyway. I like to have my own life, my own friends…I like stability.”
“I don’t need stability,” he shrugged. “I like to play it by ear.”
I nodded grimly, “I know.”
“Listen,” he sighed, tapping at his thigh lightly, “I know that we’re different, and in a way I think that’s what I really like about you…But…I don’t know how to love somebody that doesn’t trust me. To be honest, I don’t even know if you should trust me.”
I wasn’t sure if he meant with other women or if he just meant in general. What I was sure of, is that I wasn’t going to like what was coming.
“Maybe we rushed this shit,” he groaned. “Maybe you should have stayed behind.”
“Maybe,” I choked.
He was reading me again, like he was unsure whether or not I was in pain. We sat there quietly, studying each other for any signs of give.
“I do love you,” he said finally in a whisper.
I frowned, holding back the mental breakdown, “I love you too.”
“But maybe that just isn’t enough,” he added ruefully. “I don’t fucking know anymore.”
“You,” I stopped, trying not to stammer. “You don’t want to be with me anymore, do you?”
This sparked a reaction. His face became troubled and his hands began to shake.
“I…I don’t…” he groaned at himself. “I don’t know, Aria.”
“I understand,” I wept, rushing from my seated position and heading for the door.
He grabbed my arm before I could make it and whipped me around, immediately crashing his lips to mine. I melted into him, trying not to sob into his open mouth.
But he snatched himself away, distancing himself from me with hands up.
“We should talk,” he said slowly. “Before we do anything…we should talk.”
I was still catching my breath.
“I know,” I managed.
“But I can’t…I can’t do this right now,” he grimaced. “I’m too fucking high for this shit.”
Of course he was. I should have known he would be. And yet, I was shocked to hear it. I hated how naïve I was.
“You can have the bunk,” he told me. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“I don’t want it,” I hissed. “Thanks.”
This time, he let me go.
The problem was that I didn’t know where to go. I was outside before I’d figured it out, though it was dark enough now that at least no one would recognize my tear-streaked face right away. I blended myself with the shadows, reluctant to make conversation with anyone. But the problem still remained, where to go. What to do.
I found myself at Haven’s bus, Blair was smoking leaned up against it. She jolted when I greeted her. It was almost enough to make me smile.
“Jesus fuck,” she laughed, holding her chest. “You scared me.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled.
“What are you doing creeping around in the dark?” she smirked.
I shrugged, “I…”
“What’s wrong?” she asked knowingly.
I couldn’t help it, I burst back into tears.
“Oh fuck,” she gasped, abandoning her cigarette and forcing herself onto me.
In her arms, I fell apart. She rubbed at my back without saying a word. Why had I been so nervous of this woman? She obviously cared about me, even if just enough to console me when I was worked up. I hated myself even more.
“What happened?” she asked me once I’d settled to mere whimpers.
“I think…I think Jimmy and I are done,” I told her.
She couldn’t hide the surprise, “What? No.”
I nodded wildly, trying my best to reign in my tears, “He said…He said he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me anymore.”
“Fuck,” she grumbled, pulling me back into her, tighter this time.
“Blair!” Zach’s voice was calling from a distance. “Blair Peterson!”
“Blair!” Johnny’s voice joined him.
She pulled away from me, keeping her hands on my shoulders and looked me dead in the eye, “Let’s get you inside, yeah?”
I was hesitant.
“The guys are all out on a liquor run,” she told me. “We’ll hide out in the back and talk, okay? I can’t just leave you out here all crying and shit.”
I didn’t know where else to go.
“Okay,” I gave in.
She hollered back at the boys to fuck off as she ushered me onto the bus. She got me comfortable on the leather couch in the back. Their bus looked remarkably similar to the Avenged bus, but without Brian’s guitars laying around.
“I’m going to grab you a drink,” she told me. “Water?”
“Whiskey,” I replied seriously.
She smirked, “Sure thing.”
As she disappeared, I tried to hold it together. I knew I was in for a night with no sleep and very little relaxation…and I couldn’t help but think about what Jimmy would get himself up to. I was sure he was already into it.
Despite my objections, I thought I should let him know where I was. I assumed he didn’t care where I’d run off to, or if I ever came back…but on the off chance that he did, I wouldn’t want him to worry.
Not that he’d ever shown me that same courtesy.
To: James
Staying with Blair tonight. Thought you should know…I love you.
True to form, I never got a reply.

Notes

:(

xx