“Shut the fuck up,” he said, venom dripping from his teeth.
He was holding me so tightly that I could feel the bruises forming under my skin. I groaned from the pain.
He undid my belt and forced his hands down my pants, grabbing at me.
I tried not call for Brian but his hand was holding my voice inside my body. He looked at me again, “Shut the fuck up.”
I jolted awake, sweat beading along my hairline. My breathing was panicked, my chest beat to the rhythm of a breakdown. I tried to take deep breaths, focusing on the room to push my dream away.
Brian was still, his breathing quiet and slow. The room was enveloped in darkness, lit only by the moonlight.
“You’re okay,” I whispered to myself, still gripping my chest.
I tried to lay back down and close my eyes…but every time I did, Dave’s smug face would come to me. His hold on me…the struggle…I shuttered.
She begged me to fuck her.
I could feel the tears prickling at my eyes but I was determined not to fall apart. The second I let myself dive into the pain, I knew I wouldn’t come back. I had to stay above it. I couldn’t let it change me—I didn’t want him to change me.
Shut the fuck up.
Despite my best efforts, my body began to shake violently. I pursed my eyes tightly to hold it in. I had to hold it in.
But his hands were on my body, grabbing at me and forcing me. His breath was on my neck, his hand taking my air away.
“Brian,” I sobbed, reaching over and shaking him with one hand. “Brian.”
He jolted awake, snapping his body around to face me. I was curled into a ball now, at my wit’s end with all of the feelings I’d been keeping locked up tight.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked sadly, rubbing at my back.
He pulled me in closer to him, trying to comfort me quietly. I was inconsolable at this point; my mind replaying what had happened over and over again.
“I’m so fucked up,” I finally cried.
Brian planted soft kisses on my shoulder as I trembled. I tried so hard to pull myself out of that bathroom and back into this moment in reality. Back to Brian.
“How—” I stopped to sob again. “How do I make it stop?”
“Make what stop?” Brian asked carefully.
“I don’t want to remember,” I cried, losing feeling in my fingertips. “I need to stop.”
“Baby, it’s okay,” Brian shushed in my ear.
It wasn’t okay.
We stayed that way until I eventually exhausted myself so much that I passed the fuck out. Brian didn’t sleep at all.



“Hey,” I said to Jimmy as he let me into his room.
I was dawning my biggest pair of sunglasses in an attempt to cover up the black bags under my eyes. My eyes were bloodshot to hell. I looked like I’d just climbed out of a ditch.
“Hey,” he said to me. “You know we’re indoors, right?”
I nodded, pushing the glasses to the top of my head. Jimmy cringed at the sight of me.
“Are we alone?” I asked.
He nodded, looking at me suspiciously.
“Perfect,” I hurried. “I’m going to need a bump of something. Anything.”
Jimmy squinted, “Blair…”
“I don’t want to hear it,” I said firmly. “I need something to stop my brain. I need your help, Jimmy.”
I was a master at bending people to my will. Jimmy knew I was hurting, he knew that I was in trouble. He wanted to help so badly but, until that moment, hadn’t known how.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” he said quietly.
“Please,” I was nearly begging. “I can’t live with this for another second. Please.”
He sighed loudly before retreating to his bag and pulling a tiny bag out. It was nearly overflowing with white powder.
“I just got this shit,” he told me. “I haven’t even tried it for myself.”
“Well,” I stammered, “what are you waiting for?”
He looked really hesitant but didn’t argue with me anymore. He emptied a tiny bit of the contents onto the coffee table and broke it up further with his credit card. He slid a perfect line closer to me, looking at me expectantly.
I pushed my face nearly flat against the table and took the drugs back as far into my nasal cavity as they would go. Jimmy waited, like a gentleman, before taking up his own line.
“Are you okay, Blair?” he asked me as I collapsed my back into the wall.
I shook my head, “No, not at all.”
“What’s going on?” he asked, sounding more concerned than curious. “I’m happy to get fucked up with you any time…but it’s just weird…like this…”
“Can I ask you something?”
He looked so confused, “Sure.”
“If someone tried to rape you, what would you do?”
He just stared at me.
“Please, I need someone to give me an answer,” I groaned. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it.”
“Move past it, I guess,” Jimmy said quietly.
I snapped my eyes to look at him, “How do I do that?”
“You’re asking the wrong person,” he almost smiled, leaning forward to do another bump.
“Great,” I grumbled.
“Does Brian know you’re here?” he asked, holding one nostril closed with his head tipped back.
I shook my head, “He’s asleep.”
“How’s Brian?” he asked. “Still following you like a puppy dog, I’ve noticed.”
I bit at my lip, sinking into myself and further away from Jimmy. This had been happening more and more frequently. I was having serious trouble staying in tune with my body—instead, I was constantly ripped away. Sometimes it was to the night Tyler died. Sometimes it was the night that the only me that I’d ever known died.
It became painfully clear to me that I’d never be the same. Dave had taken that from me.
But I guess so had Tyler.
“More,” I growled at Jimmy.
He stared at me for a second, like he was considering giving me shit—but he didn’t. He couldn’t. He was never one to call the kettle black.
I pulled more cocaine into my body, feeling my heart finally beginning to kick start.
“Blair?” Jimmy asked, still watching me intently.
“Hmm?” I responded, starting to buzz with a high.
“Are…Are you going to kill yourself?”
His question caught me off guard. I forced my chin to raise so I could look at him, his face looked so worried. His eyes were trying to read deep into mine. I turned away to save him from the trouble.
“Honestly?”
He nodded, waiting for my answer.
“I don’t know,” I sighed. “I think about it…a lot.”
“Is that normal?” he asked carefully. “For you?”
“Nope,” I concluded. “Anyway, I should go get Brian. We have to leave soon…Thanks, Jimmy.”
I was just about to go when Jimmy grabbed my hand and pulled me back. Pulled me into him. He squeezed until I finally squeezed him back, and we stood that way for a minute.
“Please don’t do that to my best friend,” Jimmy whispered to me. “Please don’t do that to me.”
I could hear myself echoing in Jimmy’s words. I’d begged Tyler that way many, many times throughout my life. I felt like shit immediately.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“If it’s true, then I’m glad you did,” he said, still holding me. “I love you, Blair. You’re badass.”
“I love you too,” I breathed.
He let me go enough that he could hold me by the arms and give me a once over. He tried to smile.
“You’re going to be okay,” he said, his voice full of hope. “You’ll get a handle on this beast.”
“Maybe,” I said simply, pulling my arms away gently. “Thanks, Jimmy.”
Brian was awake when I’d returned. He jumped at the sound of the door shutting behind me. I laughed—and it felt great.
“Where’d you go?” he asked casually.
I started throwing my clothes into my bag, “To see Jimmy.”
“Feeling okay?” he asked slowly.
“Can we not do that?” I hissed. “Can we not psychoanalyze me every second of every day?”
Brian was stunned. I was on a fucking roll today.
“I’m sorry,” I groaned. “I’m out of control.”
“It’s okay,” he lied.
“Brian,” I said, dropping my clothes and quickly making my way across the room. I held his face, “I’m sorry.”
“Okay,” he almost smiled.
“I love you. I’m not going to be crazy forever. But while I am, I’m thankful for you sticking with me....”
He kissed me gently, and to my surprise, I didn’t flinch. I didn’t jump. It was like it had always been; I welcomed him happily.
I guess all I needed was drugs to do it.
Temporary solutions.

Notes

Buckle up.