Almost Easy

The Avenged boys caught a flight to meet us in New York. Given the extenuating circumstances, we’d booked a floor of hotel rooms. Their crew had met with us the day prior and had immediately started unloading equipment.
Their stock made us look like fucking amateurs. Like a solo artist with an acoustic backing band. I shit you not.
But Brian was so happy—which made me happy. It hadn’t occurred to me that he might be missing his work family. It must have been strange for him to integrate himself into our family; I was always forgetting. Maybe even taking it for granted. I was surely never giving him enough credit.
“Hey, Blair,” Matt smiled with his ultra-sexy dimples. “I hear this was your idea!”
“Fuck off,” I groaned playfully.
Jimmy bounded behind us, taking Matt into a firm headlock immediately, “It was. Don’t you let her tell you differently.”
“I see you’re excitable as ever,” Matt smirked, pulling Jimmy from his neck.
“Come on,” I smiled. “I’ll show you to your room.”
“We should wait for the short one,” Jimmy suggested.
“Who?” I asked dumbly.
Matt cackled, “Johnny. He went on a liquor run,” Matt lifted his left arm to show us a giant black bag, “This is his shit.”
I grinned, “How chivalrous of you.”
“Where’s Bri?” Matt asked we started our walk.
Jimmy smirked, “He’s getting ready for you. Showered, shaved, ready to woo you.”
Matt was silent. I looked at Matt and then to Jimmy—who was staring at Matt, expecting some form of reaction.
“Nothing?” Jimmy finally prodded.
Matt looked around anxiously before he laughed, “You meant me?”
“Yes, dingbat,” Jimmy groaned. “Why would Brian be prepping for Blair? That’s ridiculous.”
“You’re right, buddy,” Matt chuckled. “That’s my bad.”
We caught the elevator to the eleventh floor and Matt followed me to his door. I explained that he and Zacky would be bunking together, Jimmy and Johnny were in the room attached to theirs. Brian and I were on the other side of Matt—specifically to discourage Jimmy from breaking into our room in the dead of night.
Matt gave me a quick thanks, which seemed silly to me given the circumstances. But Jimmy had followed him which freed me up to return to my own room and relax before sound check.
I pushed my hotel room door closed and exhaled deeply. The whole Avenged-added-date was giving me horrible anxiety. I don’t know what it was but I wasn’t crazy about the feeling.
Brian was fast asleep on the bed. Poor guy hadn’t been sleeping since the whole Dave thing. He’d told me it had nothing to do with that but I just wasn’t convinced. He was constantly lingering around me, intently watching everyone who came into contact with me. He was like a Tyler 2.0 on drugs. It was nuts.
But I tried to just be grateful for it. I was definitely feeling safer in my skin with Brian on my heels. However, I figured it probably wasn’t good for our relationship in the long run. At some point, Brian was going to have to relieve himself of his self-appointed role as my caretaker. And I was going to need more freedom.
For the moment, it was what it was.
I sat myself next to Brian’s sleeping body, admiring how peaceful he looked while he was disconnected from the world. His face was relaxed and his hair was hanging down past his nose. With a gentle sweep, I pushed his hair back and tucked it behind his ear. He stirred slightly before creeping his eyelids apart.
“Hey,” he breathed quietly.
I smiled, “Hey. Tired?”
He nodded sleepily, “A little. I’ll get up.”
“No, no,” I rushed softly. “You sleep, I’ll find something else to do.”
“Okay,” he grumbled and was out again.
With a sigh, I removed myself from his side and from our room. I went to find Jimmy, who was always my Brian replacement. My guys had all gone out to lunch but I’d declined, I’d told them I wasn’t feeling well. The reality was that I’d been so on edge, I just wasn’t ready to sit in public and pretend to have a good time.
Jimmy swung his door open just as I was lifting my hand to knock.
“Well hello there,” Jimmy grinned down at me.
I squinted, “Brian’s sleeping.”
Jimmy nodded, “Come in, I was just going to get ice.”
“For what?”
The second I walked into his room, I knew what. Zack was sitting on the edge of the bed, holding his face—his lip was bleeding. He did not look pleased.
“What—”
“Here’s the thing,” Jimmy told me, lingering by the door. “Apparently I have a thick skull. I know, I know. But my skull and Zacky’s face belong together, Blair. They were meant to be together—I was just trying to encourage their budding relationship.”
“Shut the fuck up, Jim,” Zack warned.
He cringed and then scurried around the door and out into the hallway. It was immediately awkward; Zack was the one guy I’d spent the least amount of time with. We had never been alone together. I reminded myself that he was Brian’s friend and that it was alright.
He’s not going to hurt you.
“So what did he do?” I asked to bridge the silence.
He shook his head, “He doesn’t understand personal space.”
I nodded uncomfortably.
Zack looked up at me and smiled, “Does it look bad?”
“Looks fine,” I shrugged. “Makes you look tough.”
“I thought he’d ripped out my lip ring,” Zack groaned.
I grimaced at the thought.
“How’s the tour going?” he asked me, still holding his face.
I shrugged again, “Fine, I guess…”
“Crazy about Still Borne,” he said absent-mindedly. “Did you want to talk about it?”
“Not really,” I replied as casually as I could.
Everyone had wanted me to talk about it. Every day, someone would ask if I was alright, if I was still hung up about it…what had happened. Brian was the only one that had specific details and it had taken nearly an hour of hysterics to get the details out of me. The second they’d left my mouth, I’d shut them tightly in the darkest recess of my mind.
There they stayed.
“Fair enough,” he replied simply. “Tell me, though, did Brian beat the shit out of him or what?”
I nodded slowly, “Mhm.”
“Good,” he decided. “Surprised he didn’t murder him.”
“It wasn’t for a lack of interest,” I tried to smile. “How’s home? Is it everything I remember?”
He looked at me weirdly but answered, “Yep. Just as you left it.”
“Good…”
Jimmy was back, thank the lord. He gave Zack a bucket of ice, which elicited some hostility.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” Zack snapped.
Jimmy cackled, “I don’t know. Put your face in it.”
I giggled, retreating to the bathroom to solve their problem for them. I returned with a small white cloth, plopped a couple ice cubes into it and handed it to Zacky. He smiled as thanks.
Then someone was knocking on the door.
“It’s bruising,” I told Zack as Jimmy headed for the door.
He whined loudly, “God dammit, Jimmy!”
“Hey, is Blair in here?” I heard Brian’s voice, a slight vein of panic rippling through.
Jimmy let him in and Brian heaved a sigh of relief.
“Thought I might find you in here,” he said casually, probably pretending like he wasn’t following me like a guard dog.
I nodded sheepishly, “I thought you were sleeping.”
“I was,” he shrugged, sitting himself next to Zacky. “What’s with your face?”
Zack pointed at Jimmy, “That fucking idiot.”
“Nobody wins with a head-butt, Rev,” Brian smirked at his friend.
Jimmy laughed, “I think I did, actually.”
We sat around until we were called for sound check. I wondered if my group had made it back from lunch yet but when I caught sight of them in the lobby, I pretty much worked it out for myself.
“Lunch was awful,” Justin told me. “We’re all going to get food poisoning; I’m calling it now.”
“Glad I bowed out then,” I giggled.
They promptly began the male ritual of greeting other men with handshakes. There were a couple ‘thanks for coming’s and replies of ‘happy to do it’. To my relief, Brian had taken up company with his own respective family. It was the first time I’d left our hotel floor without his accompaniment.
It felt nice to be on my own for a minute.
Our bus shuttled us to the venue, everyone crammed aboard like sardines in a can. My nerves were starting to build up and were revealing themselves and eternally finger drumming on my knees. Eventually the sound caused Justin’s brain to snap.
“Blair!” he shouted at me. “Fucking stop that!”
“Sorry,” I half-laughed, trying to flatten my hands against my legs to stop the motion.
It didn’t last long. I was drumming my fingernails on the table within minutes. He reached across the table abruptly and grabbed my hands to force me to stop. I flinched.
I flinched so hard that I was embarrassed by it. My reaction had also caused Brian to react—it was a whole issue.
“Don’t fucking do that,” I hissed at Justin defensively.
His eyes widened as he pulled his hands back, “Fuck. Sorry, B. I didn’t even think—”
“It’s okay,” I sighed, which seemed to calm Brian as well. “I didn’t mean to snap at you..”
He smirked, “It’s cool.”
I was disappointed to discover that I wasn’t as recovered from the incident as I’d thought I was. It created a thick tension in the air…and it was my fault.
I’d never felt a greater joy than pulling up to the venue and being able to escape from worried eyes. I walked ahead of everyone, keeping my focal point strong and I was determined to reach it without anyone saying a word to me about what had happened.
But an arm snaked around mine and pulled me back.
I flinched again.
Get it together.
“Sorry,” Brian pouted. “Can I borrow you for a quick second?”
I sighed, watching as everyone piled into the building without me, “What’s up?”
“Are you okay?” he asked me, moving his face in front of mine so that I’d have to look at him. “I don’t mean right this second, so don’t lie to me.”
“If not now, then what?” I asked confusedly.
I was impatient to get inside and start warming my vocals.
“Blair,” Brian sighed. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know,” I said seriously, snapping my attention back to Brian’s pleading eyes. “I honestly do not know.”
Brian didn’t know what to say.
I groaned, “Look, I thought I was okay…but then Justin grabbing my arm…I mean, I obviously overreacted. But maybe that means I’m not okay. I don’t know, Bri. Can we go in now?”
He reached out to rub my arm and I jumped again. My face beat red.
“I guess I’m not okay,” I tried to laugh.
He looked so burdened then. His eyes were full of sorrow and I’d hardly seen him smile at all since it happened…I broke him, I figured. He was jilted and it was my fault. It was all my fault.
My version of events changed rapidly as time went on. At first, I was sure that I hadn’t done anything wrong. I’d never invited Dave into my life, let alone into the bathroom…but as time wore on, my brain began to change things. Suddenly my limited conversations with Dave seemed full of innuendos and invitations from my camp. Maybe I’d lured him into the bathroom that night. Maybe I’d let him kiss me.
I wasn’t sure what was the truth anymore. It was really fucking me up.
But looking at Brian, I knew that I couldn’t have asked for anyone else. There was no way, regardless of how many drugs I was on or how high I was, that I would ever be comfortable kissing someone else.
Then I remembered Dave’s hand on my mouth, warning me to be quiet. I remembered the panic that had set in. The feeling that I was in danger and I wasn’t going to be able to escape from it. I was going to have to block it out and hope that it ended quickly.
The banging on the door.
“Blair?” Brian asked.
I stared blankly at him for a second, trying to regain my reality. I’d lost track of where I was.
“Where’d you go?” he asked affectionately.
It took everything in me not to cry. Instead, I took a deep breath.
“I’m not okay,” I told him. “I’m…I’m confused…”
“About what?” he asked carefully. “Can I help?”
I looked at the ground, “Did I ask him, Brian? Did I ask him to fuck me? You were so jealous…There had to be a reason, you know? Was it me?”
He stared at me. I watched as the gears in his brain turned at rapid speeds trying to make sense of what I was saying. The bewilderment on his face told me that it wasn’t my fault. The look told me that he was real worried for my sanity.
“Blair, no,” he finally said, taking my hands into his. “Absolutely fucking not.”
“So you aren’t mad?” I asked, my eyes glued to the concrete again.
He sighed sadly, “At you? Never.”
“But you are mad,” I said flatly.
“At that piece of shit,” Brian snarled. “Look at what he did to you.”
“What?” I sort of lashed out, snapping my neck up to look at him.
Brian looked depleted, “I can’t even hold your hand without you flinching away from me. Anyone that touches you…”
I was blinking quickly.
“I am not criticizing you,” Brian told me. “Not even close.”
“Feels a lot like criticism,” I mumbled.
He reached out to tip my chin upward, holding my face firmly in place so that I couldn’t look away.
“I’m not going to let you rip yourself apart about this,” Brian said quietly. “We’ll get you back to your normal self. It’s just going to take time.”
“Mhm,” I hummed.
“Let me help you,” he pleaded. “You just need to tell me what’s going on. No secrets.”
“I don’t like to talk about it.”
He nodded, “I know.”
“We should go in,” I said seriously.
The man knew when to throw in the towel, so he let me go. I led him toward the building, desperate to finish talking about Dave and the shit he’d put me through. It was clear I’d have to open up about it…I just really didn’t want to.
But it was obvious that what I was doing wasn’t working.
So, I repeated in my head over and over again, it wasn’t your fault. You’re okay.
You’re okay.

You’re okay…

Notes

xx