Almost Easy

We’d finished our set and retreated back to the buses. Maybe I’d temporarily forgiven Brian. Maybe he’d said what I wanted him to say. But that didn’t erase all of the shit he’d said to me. None of it took away from the horrible opinion of me that he obviously held. I didn’t want to have to fight for him to love me. I was seriously doubting his honesty.
I ducked out of the bus for a much needed cigarette break. It was heavy in my lungs and I was so glad.
“Hey,” Brian said as he came out from the bus.
I sighed, “Hey.”
“So…” he kicked at the ground before lighting his own smoke. “We should probably talk.”
I took a deep breath, “You…”
I stopped myself, shaking my head at him and turning to look away.
“I what?” he encouraged.
“You’re fucking me up,” I stated bluntly. “You’re hot. And then you’re cold. You fucking hate me and then you say you love me? I guess I don’t get it.”
“I have never hated you,” he said seriously.
I raised my brows, “You said a lot of horrible things to me today.”
He nodded, “I know.”
“And what?” I hissed. “I’m supposed to just let those things go because you fed me some more bullshit?”
“What bullshit?” he hissed back.
“You love me,” I snarled. “Yeah, right. I can tell you, for sure, that I don’t know a lot about love but I do know that how you treated me earlier…that isn’t love.”
“I’m fucking scared, Blair,” he told me angrily.
I looked to him then and his hands were shaking. He was looking at me with pure adoration. But he looked conflicted. He looked guilty.
“Scared of what?” I asked, trying to calm my tone.
“You,” he said without flinching.
“Oh, yes,” I groaned. “I can see how I’m scary.”
He half-laughed, “I don’t mean you. I mean…listen. Okay. I’m going to speak candidly and I just need you to shut up for a second, okay?”
I just nodded passively, I was not going to agree to that.
“I’ve had women come and go in my life,” he started, I was already ready to fight him. He raised a finger to me to tell me to wait. “I’ve had women tell me they loved me…Fuck, I’ve told women I loved them. But I’ve never meant it. It’s always been bullshit to get in their pants or to end a fight…pretty much anything other than actually feeling it.”
Was this supposed to be making me feel better?
“You really fucking freaked me out when you told me you loved me,” he continued, pausing to take a puff of his smoke. “It meant that this was real. Do you know what I mean?”
“No,” I said quickly.
“I don’t know what I’m doing, Blair,” he said, sounding completely at a loss.
For whatever reason, this new tone seemed to pull at my heartstrings. I relented just a touch; enough that I was actually willing to listen.
“I don’t know what you want me to tell you,” I offered.
He looked at me and then away, “You are the coolest chick I’ve ever met.”
I took a drag of my cigarette.
“You love my friends, my friends love you,” he continued; it seemed like he was mostly talking to himself, but I listened anyway. “You’re a fucking musician for fuck’s sakes. You’re sexy as hell…you’re funny…you can tolerate my shit…You’re really fucking scary to me.”
I squinted.
“You could be it,” he said and my heart flew. “It’s really obvious to me…or, it is now…that you’re the real deal, you know? This isn’t going to be some fling for me. I’m not…I’m not used to that. It’s far out of my comfort zone.”
“So, what?” I asked. “We should break up because you’re afraid you’ll fall in love with me?”
He smirked, “Seemed appropriate this morning.”
“That’s discouraging,” I said emotionlessly.
“Like I said,” he sighed. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Clearly,” I tried not to sound heartbroken.
I thought we were making headway…but it still felt a lot like Brian had one foot in and one foot out. What happened to his declaration on stage? Where’d that Brian go? Why was I being stuck with this uncertain version of him again? I didn’t like this version.
“Don’t get me wrong,” he rushed, sensing my frustration level rising again. “I don’t want to…I told you. I don’t want anyone else. I obviously fucking want you, Blair. I’m not a total idiot.”
“I don’t know about that,” I sort of teased.
“I do love you,” he said, his eyes beating into mine.
I bit at my lip, unsure what to say to him. Why didn’t that soothe me?
“I know that I’m not good at this,” he mused aloud, staring up at the sky. “I’m really fucking worried about fucking it up…You tell me you love me and I flip out…That’s probably a good indicator of what I’ll be like as a serious boyfriend.”
“It doesn’t have to be serious,” I finally contributed. “Brian…look, I wasn’t trying to push you into anything. I just…I don’t know. This isn’t how I thought my first experience would go.”
“First experience with what?” he asked, confused. “A boyfriend?”
“Love,” I shrugged. “I always thought it would be like in the movies…I guess that was stupid.”
Brian’s face faltered and it shifted. He was no longer looking broody; now he was looking rueful. Like he’d really done me wrong. I guess he had.
“That’s not stupid,” he sighed. “I’m so sorry, Blair. It should have been like something out of a movie…I should have told you last night. I should have…Fuck. I’m so sorry.”
“I’m confused,” I shrugged. “I don’t know where we stand.”
He took a step toward me, hesitating to gage my reaction.
“All of those things I said to you,” he said lowly. “I was wrong to have said any of it. I didn’t mean it. I was just…I thought that what I needed was to distance myself from you. I thought that I wasn’t ready for this.”
“And now?” I asked, trying not to let my hope shine through.
He took another step toward me, “Now I know that if I push you away, I’m going to regret it for the rest of my forsaken life.”
“You were horrible,” I said, almost in a whisper.
He stepped closer once more, this time close enough to touch me. He wrapped his hands around my arms and pushed his forehead against me, closing his beautiful eyes as if it hurt to look at me.
“I never want to be that way with you again,” he said to me. “I never want to hurt you.”
I sighed, “Then don’t.”
“I love you, Blair,” he whispered. “I really do.”
This time it felt better to hear it. This time I could feel it. I could feel that same Brian that I’d grown to know and love. He was back. He’d vanquished his demons for the moment…but I was still reeling.
He kissed my forehead and pulled me into his arms. I just sort of stood there.
I was still so confused.
“I can’t do this hot and cold shit, Brian,” I told him, a pleading in my voice that I didn’t recognize. “You’re either in or you’re out. You can’t be both.”
“I know,” he said firmly, pulling away to look at me.
“I’m not interested in fighting to get you to love me,” I said, the hurt shaking my voice. “And to be clear, I didn’t tell you that I loved you because I’m still fucked up about my friend. For you to even insinuate that—”
He interrupted me, “Please stop.”
I pushed away from him.
“I can’t relive it,” he told me as my blood boiled again. “I seriously—I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I needed so badly for you to just not love me…I needed to believe it wasn’t true.”
“I’m sorry that this isn’t what you wanted it to be,” I shrugged. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“Fuck this isn’t coming out right,” Brian snarled.
“Yeah, I get it,” I rolled my eyes. “You love me but you really, really don’t want to. You thought we’d have a quick little fling and then you’d go back to your life. Don’t worry, we can do that. Consider this the fling ended. Sorry to have complicated your sex life for a bit. I promise I won’t do that anymore.”
I tried to push past him but he caught my arm and dragged me back in front of him. Sometimes I would forget how strong he was; and then he’d do something to remind me. I looked at him, even though I really didn’t want to. All I could picture was the last two months of my life. All of the laughs, all of the partying…all of the stolen glances and thieved attention. He was everything I wanted but now I couldn’t bear it.
I’d said it before and I’ll say it again, I held grudges.
“Don’t you dare leave me like this,” Brian said to me so low that it nearly escaped as a growl.
I challenged him, pulling my arm back, “Or what?”
He pushed his lips to mine but this time I didn’t let him. I shoved him with all of my might, causing him to stumble backward a few steps. He looked desperate.
“Don’t fucking do that,” I warned.
I had had enough of this conversation. I was about at my breaking point. So, I turned around and started to walk off toward the venue. I needed to be anywhere but with Brian. He’d been putting me through the ringer for the past twenty-four hours and I was fucking done.
That wasn’t love. That was nothing. I was nothing.
“Blair!” he shouted at me as I walked.
This time, he chased after me. He followed me all the way until I’d hit the building. At that point, I was so angry that I had to let it blow up.
“Fuck you!” I snarled at him as I whipped around to face him. “You’re a piece of fucking shit.”
He took a step back instinctively as I went off.
“Why do I even love you?” I growled. “One second you’re crazy about me and the next second you’re trying to instill doubts into my head. You come to fucking Massachusetts with me and have the god damn audacity to tell me it was for my benefit? Are you fucked? I distinctly recall telling you not to come. You fucking insisted. For what, because you thought I’d kill myself? Give me a little fucking credit, you asshole. I’m not a fucking damsel in distress and sure, you’ve been keeping me afloat but let me make one thing fucking crystal clear to you: I don’t fucking need you. I can promise you that if I’d never met you, I would have survived this Tyler ordeal just the same. Don’t you dare take that away from me.”
Brian’s jaw fell almost to the ground. It was then that I think he truly understood the impact his words had had on me. Now he understood how I’d become overcome with rage and why I was unwilling to accept his love. It was all bullshit designed to end a fight. Instead, it just made it worse.
“You’re right,” he said sadly. “I am a piece of shit. You are completely accurate in that evaluation.”
I rolled my eyes, attempting to resume my walk. But Brian’s voice stopped me again.
“I think so fucking highly of you, Blair,” he continued, desperation clinging to his every word. “You are magnificent. You’re resilient. You’re…I could not do what you are doing. You get up every fucking day and live your life. I would still be locked away…I honestly don’t know how you do it.”
“Don’t,” I warned.
He took a deep breath, “What I said was fucked up. To be honest though, I do worry about you. It’s my fucking job to worry about you.”
“It’s not your job.”
He nodded, “I fucking love you; of course it’s my job. It’s my job to make sure that you are o-fucking-kay. All I want for you is to have you be happy. I’m so fucked. I’m so sorry to have made you think otherwise…I needed to blow it up. I thought I needed…I’m stupid.”
I nodded back.
He approached me again. This time I was on edge.
“Blair, please,” he pleaded. “You know that I didn’t mean those things. You fucking know.”
I was mad. I could feel the frustration forming itself into tears. I’d told Brian I couldn’t handle him fucking me around.
But I also thought of who he had been—prior to this morning. He had come with me to every event that I’d asked. He had paraded me around in front of his friends and endlessly invited me to join in on his fun. He came on fucking tour to bail my band out of trouble…
He came home with me and sat through an insufferable meeting with my aunt. And he didn’t once complain.
He’d saved Tyler’s letter for me….
I sobbed.
“Blair…” Brian tried.
I snapped, “Don’t touch me.”
I paced back and forth, trying to get my emotions in check. I’d never been so confused in my life. All I wanted was to let it go. I wanted to hear Brian tell me again that he loved me. I wanted to believe that he was full of shit earlier…he didn’t mean what he’d said.
But instead, my anxiety had taken hold and was screaming at me about how unlovable I was. How disposable I had become. Everyone was leaving me. No one was fighting to stay. I was being pushed away in too many directions and now I was completely vulnerable…and alone.
“Fuck you,” I said again to him, my lip quivering as I spoke. “Fuck you for making me feel like this.”
Brian didn’t hesitate this time. He didn’t weight his options. Who needs words when you’ve got action?
He pushed me up against the wall and forced his lips onto mine. My first instinct was to fight him—but the man had a way with me. Suddenly nothing he’d said mattered. Nothing he’d done mattered. All that mattered was this moment.
I kissed him back, using his kiss to suffice my anger. He slid his hands up and lifted me into his chest. I wrapped my legs around him as he pushed himself further into my body.
I broke our kiss, still a little weepy. He looked up at me curiously, but his eyes told me he knew that I still wasn’t okay.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, so softly that I thought he might shatter.
I sighed, “I believe you.”
He half-smiled, still holding my weight. I surveyed him for a second, trying to decide if he was actually a good guy or not. He’d sure put me through the ringer…I needed to believe he was the man I’d known all along; and not the man I met that day.
“I love you,” he said again and this time I heard it.
I decided to believe in him.
“I love you,” I echoed quietly.
“I really fucking do,” he grumbled as he pushed his lips to mine again.
He kissed me with hunger and in a way that told me he needed my forgiveness. I wasn’t ready to totally forgive but I was more than ready to let him in again. I dug my fingers into his hair, pulling his face closer to me.
I abandoned his neck with one hand to reach down and unfasten his belt. He broke our kiss to look at me strangely.
“Here?” he panted.
I smirked, “Here.”
He was in no position to argue. He pulled his jeans down just far enough that he could tease me under my skirt. It was as if I’d anticipated the need to wear something allowing easy access.
There was no time for foreplay. We were literally shielded only by the night’s darkness. We were in the middle of a parking lot, slammed up against an exterior wall. It only made me hotter.
Brian slid into me with ease, pushing my tiny black thong out of his way. I moaned as his shaft moved into me.
“Tell me again,” I breathed into Brian’s ear as he pounded in and out of me.
His hands tightened their grip as he pushed himself further inside of me.
He looked at me, “I fucking love you.”
“Mm,” I moaned, leaning into the wall as far as it would allow me.
I could feel the bricks tearing up my back as Brian forced my body to bounce. I dug my nails into his back to ease my own pain, trying to silence my pleasure.
He bit at my neck, slowing himself down a little to keep from losing it. With each pulse, my body trembled. He felt so fucking good. Maybe that was all I needed; a little hate sex.
I tilted my head back, moaning with pleasure as Brian slid his tongue up and down the side of my neck.
“I love you,” he whispered into my air, causing my spine to shiver.
This was the way to tell someone you loved them. Maybe it wasn’t something out of a family-friendly movie, but it could have been out of a particular type of movie…Either way, I was into it.
“Fuck me,” I begged. “Fuck me harder.”
He smirked before tightening his grip again and pushing himself harder into me. I bit at my lip to keep myself from screaming.
But then he let me down—this caused me to flinch. He turned me around and pushed my face to the wall, sliding into me once more without warning.
“Oh my god,” I groaned as he hit me in all the right places.
He pulled my hips out, crashing his shaft into me over and over again. Harder. Harder. I was struggling to keep it quiet. My lip was bleeding by then.
“Fuck,” Brian moaned as he dug his nails into the bones of my hips.
He pushed himself in and out, deeper and deeper until I cried out with a hint of pain. He moaned softly and reached his release. He stayed in me for a moment, moaning ever so subtly.
He turned me around as he slipped outside of me and pulled his pants up to cover what we’d done.
He kissed me then. This time it wasn’t hungry. It wasn’t apologetic. This time it was giving me all of the clarification that I needed. I’d been too hot-headed before. I knew that he cared for me. I’d always known.
“Tell me again,” I whispered into his lips.
He laughed quietly, “I fucking love you.”

Notes

Everything you could ever want wrapped up in one little chapter; drama, anger, love, smut. All the good shit.

xx