Take a Look At Yourself

“She just asked you to leave, just like that?” Johnny asked, looking at me like I had grown horns.

I understood where he was coming from. I was probably more shocked than they were. This was a woman I was starting to feel very, very deeply about. My friends and I were about to go to great lengths to insure she would never be hurt again, at least not by Chad.

“What are we going to do?” Jimmy asked.

I stared at him. “Go through with the plan. You, Johnny, and Zacky head to California and deal with Chad. Brian and I will go to Dallas.”

“Don’t you want to hurt Chad?” the former drummer cocked an eyebrow at me. “I feel like you want to hurt him.”

“He’s dating my sister. I think Johnny wants to hurt him more. I want to get at the two sick fucks who hurt her the most. What her father and his jackass business partner did will never be okay, and no matter what I wind up doing, it will never make it better for her.”

I sighed and finished throwing some clothes into my backpack. “I have no idea why she forced me out of her life, but I fear it has something to do with her emotions surrounding what happened to her. She’s hurting in a way only survivors of her similar situation could possibly feel. This isn’t about Carmen, though. This plan never was. This is about me.”

Brian stared at me. Four pairs of eyes widened. I knew that their brains had immediately jumped to me being raped. I knew because that was exactly how I framed it.

“Matt…” Zach’s voice trailed off.

“No, I wasn’t raped. But my father was abusive. That’s why Mom really got divorced. It wasn’t about them having different lives; she was just tired of seeing me dive in front of fist after fist. I was protecting Amy and her. So, yes, this will be cathartic for me too. But Carmen needs to know that people care about her.”

“So why do this, Matt? Other than for you to feel like she knows someone cares about her?” Brian asked, folding his arms over his chest. “Do you really want to hurt someone like this? Because I have a better idea. The four of us go to Dallas. We’ll get evidence that will convict those sick FUCKERS… you, you go get Carmen to know how you feel.”

Turning to my best friend, I cocked an eyebrow at him. “And how do I feel about her?”

“Pretty fucking obvious, I would say,” Jimmy said with a laugh. “You’re in love with her. You want to hug her. You want to kiss her you. You want to love her.” His voice was sing-songy.

Blushing, I threw my backpack over my shoulder. “Keep me updated.”
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“I’m not leaving until you open the door or call the cops on me,” I said to the wooden door. Carmen had been ignoring me since I came back.

She was one of the most stubborn people I had ever encountered, and yet she always had me tied into knots. It was like she had this feisty, magnetic personality that just drew you in and made you want to be around her all the damn time. For some people, I’m sure a personality like that would grate on the nerves. She was loud and honest and mean and obnoxious and very much herself… and I think it scared people to see someone be so wholeheartedly themselves and confident about it.

The door creaked open and I took the moment. She was dressed in sweats, hair thrown in a lopsided bun. It was like seeing into her soul. This was who she was when no one saw her. This was the real Carmen, and it only made me love her more.

“Matt.” Her voice was cracking. “Why are you here?”

I took a deep breath. “Because I care about you. Because I don’t want you to be alone when you’re hurting, and it is so clear you’re hurting, babe. You are so strong and resilient and here you are. This isn’t the Carmen I met that first day. I miss her, and I want her back.”

She sniffed and looked at me with those deep blue eyes. “I’m trying. I just wish there was a way I could get out of my head. There is this… thing blocking me. It’s like every time I try to get past it, it attacks me in a different way.”

Carefully, I reached for her. “You already told me so much. Let me share something with you.”

Carmen leaned into my chest and looked up at me. It was a look that said she was open to listening, as long as she didn’t have to talk… she would be okay.

“I’ll never know what it’s like to be raped. I will never know the fear of walking alone at night. I will never understand what it’s like to be a woman, but I do know the terror of abuse.” My throat started to close at the idea of anyone other than my boys knowing this about me. “Everyone thinks I have this perfect life. I’m here on an academic scholarship and had the chance to walk onto the football team. It’s been a wonderful experience.

“But before that, my life in California wasn’t great. The father I always talk about is not my actual dad. He’s my step-father, and I sometimes wish he was bio dad. He treats my mom and sister the way they deserve to be treated. He’s a great guy, and I’m glad he’s in our lives. That being said, my real father is not good guy.

“He… he used to drink a lot.” I gulped, tilting my head up so those eyes weren’t directly looking at me. “The drinking got worse and worse. This was a man who used to care very deeply for his family. He would do anything for us, but after his heart attack, he changed. My dad wasn’t my dad anymore. This was a man that we had never seen.

“He would yell more and scream at Amy and me for little things. Mom would get yelled at for dinner being late or for me missing a football practice. Nothing was ever his fault, even when it very clearly was. And then it got worse.” Taking a deep breath, I calmed myself for this next part.

“He hit my mom, and I knew that that wasn’t my dad. The second time he went to hit her, I put myself between them. I wound up getting the fist meant for my mom. From the ages of thirteen to seventeen, I was my dad’s whipping post. I can’t stand shouting or belts. So, no, Carmen, I don’t know where you’re coming from, but I understand the fear.”

I felt some wet spots on my chest. Was she crying? Her body shook as I finally looked down at her.

“Thank you, Matt. I guess I just push people away because letting them see the real me can just be too much for them. I don’t need someone who can’t or won’t understand in my life anymore. I am still very much traumatized.” She sniffed and buried her head in my chest. “It must have taken a lot for you to share that with me.”

I nodded. “Yes, but worth it. You are worth it, Carmen. No matter what, don’t let any fuckboy tell you that you aren’t worth it. If they say you are too much or want you to change, they don’t deserve you. Now, change out of those nasty sweats and take a shower. We’re having a Disney marathon.”

Notes

Well, I am so sorry I left you all for so long. What can I say? It has been a series of events that I wish I could take back. The fact of the matter is, I have had a rough 2 months. It feels like ever since that mechanic sexually assaulted, my life has had lots of lows. Suffice to say, two ER visits later... I have kidney infection. Thank you all for staying with me and this story. I'll do my best to update more frequently. Love y'all.